My brother is living with his girlfriend. How to solve issue?

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JustRebecca

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My brother just bought his first house and asked his girlfriend(not engaged) to live with him. I don’t know their exact living conditions, but I am going to guess that they sleep in the same bed. I really don’t know.

He doesn’t go the church anymore, he’d rather spend his Sunday morning hiking or taking his Jeep for drive.

My mom and I both do not approve of him living with his girlfriend. We have nothing wrong with his girlfriend, we all love her and will gladly accept her as one of the family, but he hasn’t proposed, and it doesn’t seem like something that will happen in the near future, because he hasn’t said anything to us.

My mom has tried to tell my brother that you aren’t supposed to live together until marriage. She’s emailed him articles about how living together is bad for relationships and it’s just bad overall, if you aren’t married. He is very stubborn about this whole thing, so even if she talks to him about it, he just ignores it all.

We need some way of telling him to either propose or don’t be with her anymore, if he isn’t going to marry her. We need some way of telling him this without him just completely ignoring us.

What ideas do you all have?
 
He’s an adult who is independent/successful enough to have just bought his own home.

It’s his decision. Leave him alone.
 
There is really nothing you can do about it. Your mother has already tried to convince him to no longer live with his girlfriend. Nobody over the internet can possibly give you any “ideas” as to how to make your brother listen when he does not want to. You and your mother actually know him, we do not. So if you were not successful, how could we be? All we can do and you can do is pray for him. If he does not care that he is living in sin, he does not care. Not even God makes us obey him if we do not want to. Everyone has free will. I have many friends and relatives who do the same thing and live in sin. I do make it known that I am against co-habitation (but only when it comes up, such as when friends have asked me to help them move) but I do not constantly lecture them about it. How would that help? Think about it.
 
JustRebecca said:
My brother just bought his first house and asked his girlfriend(not engaged) to live with him. I don’t know their exact living conditions, but I am going to guess that they sleep in the same bed. I really don’t know.

He doesn’t go the church anymore, he’d rather spend his Sunday morning hiking or taking his Jeep for drive.

My mom and I both do not approve of him living with his girlfriend. We have nothing wrong with his girlfriend, we all love her and will gladly accept her as one of the family, but he hasn’t proposed, and it doesn’t seem like something that will happen in the near future, because he hasn’t said anything to us.

My mom has tried to tell my brother that you aren’t supposed to live together until marriage. She’s emailed him articles about how living together is bad for relationships and it’s just bad overall, if you aren’t married. He is very stubborn about this whole thing, so even if she talks to him about it, he just ignores it all.

We need some way of telling him to either propose or don’t be with her anymore, if he isn’t going to marry her. We need some way of telling him this without him just completely ignoring us.

What ideas do you all have?
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While I agree they are adults and there’s not much anyone can do about their situation (other than pray:)) there is one thing I would say. My mother would tell my brother - and my husband and I tell our son - to think about the girls reputation. If things don’t work out everyone would know that the girl spent the night/moved in etc. and that would have negative consequences for her in the future.

Just some old-fashioned advice.
 
I’m sure your brother already knows how you feel and doesn’t care that you don’t agree with his choices. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. It’s really not your business.
 
If you are Catholic, you must believe in the power of prayer. And you must also be patient.

Tell him once what you believe and leave it at that. Love him, but do not preach to him.

Pray very much for him.

I was once not so very different from your brother. Only the Grace of God can change his heart about this and make him see it in the proper light.

God Bless.
 
I’m pretty sure he’s not going to be persuaded.
You might have more luck imploring the girl to not move in. If you love her, and she loves your family as well, she might listen to a couple of women looking out for her.
Beyond that? Prayer is your friend.
 
Apart from shooting the girlfriend, which I believe is illegal in several States; there is little to do but pray for your brother and be there for him if it all goes pear-shaped. I learnt a long time ago that I was only master of my own soul and I am struggling every day with that.
Advise him of the property rights of a co-habiting partner in your jurisdiction and suggest he see a lawyer to protect his rights. Girls are so nice nowadays. Prayer.
 
Petaro said:
Apart from shooting the girlfriend, which I believe is illegal in several States; there is little to do but pray for your brother and be there for him if it all goes pear-shaped. I learnt a long time ago that I was only master of my own soul and I am struggling every day with that.
Advise him of the property rights of a co-habiting partner in your jurisdiction and suggest he see a lawyer to protect his rights. Girls are so nice nowadays. Prayer.
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:eek:
 
JustRebecca said:
My brother just bought his first house and asked his girlfriend(not engaged) to live with him. I don’t know their exact living conditions, but I am going to guess that they sleep in the same bed. I really don’t know.

He doesn’t go the church anymore, he’d rather spend his Sunday morning hiking or taking his Jeep for drive.

My mom and I both do not approve of him living with his girlfriend. We have nothing wrong with his girlfriend, we all love her and will gladly accept her as one of the family, but he hasn’t proposed, and it doesn’t seem like something that will happen in the near future, because he hasn’t said anything to us.

My mom has tried to tell my brother that you aren’t supposed to live together until marriage. She’s emailed him articles about how living together is bad for relationships and it’s just bad overall, if you aren’t married. He is very stubborn about this whole thing, so even if she talks to him about it, he just ignores it all.

We need some way of telling him to either propose or don’t be with her anymore, if he isn’t going to marry her. We need some way of telling him this without him just completely ignoring us.

What ideas do you all have?
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Is this boot camp and you were appointed his drill sergeant?

Maybe change your tone from authority figure to a genuine concern for him.

Let me guess he is your younger brother?
 
You and your mother should recite the chaplet of the Divine Mercy everyday. He has his own free will and if he wants to abuse of it, it’s his affair. Prayer is important. Think of St. Monica.
 
If your family like the girlfriend, be happy that he has at least found someone to love. If your brother is not really practising his faith, he will not feel under any pressure to marry - they are only doing what millions of other people do by living together.

It would be better to reluctantly accept his choices, whilst praying that he will soon propose to his girlfriend and that he returns to the Church. It would be a bad idea to cause a rift in your family by making a major issue of this situation. As others have said, it is his decision and he’s an independent adult man.
 
Sorry for the situation with your brother. If he is asking her to move in, my guess is they are already sleeping together and probably have been for a while. As others have stated, if he has been told your mothers and your concerns, and still wants what he wants, nagging won’t change his mind. Prayer might.

With situations I face in which I am uncomfortable and have no power to change I often use the following prayer. The prayer is familiar, but changed up a bit.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the person I cannot change,
The Courage to change the one I can,
And the Wisdom to know that one is me.

Good luck in your situation.
 
QuasiCatholic said:
He’s an adult who is independent/successful enough to have just bought his own home.

It’s his decision. Leave him alone.
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And they brought a woman caught in immoral living to Jesus to see what he would say, “She was caught living in sin”

Jesus had been teaching his disciples so he stood up from where he was writing his lessons to them on the ground and said, “She’s an adult who is independent/successful enough to have just bought his own home. It’s her decision. Leave her alone.” And when all had left he said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Is there none?” She answered, “No, lord”. He then answered, “Neither do I find anything wrong with what you are doing, so go, and live with your decision”.

Hmmm… a different Jesus that ‘kind of protestants’ know.
 
JustRebecca said:
My brother just bought his first house and asked his girlfriend(not engaged) to live with him. I don’t know their exact living conditions, but I am going to guess that they sleep in the same bed. I really don’t know.

He doesn’t go the church anymore, he’d rather spend his Sunday morning hiking or taking his Jeep for drive.

My mom and I both do not approve of him living with his girlfriend. We have nothing wrong with his girlfriend, we all love her and will gladly accept her as one of the family, but he hasn’t proposed, and it doesn’t seem like something that will happen in the near future, because he hasn’t said anything to us.

My mom has tried to tell my brother that you aren’t supposed to live together until marriage. She’s emailed him articles about how living together is bad for relationships and it’s just bad overall, if you aren’t married. He is very stubborn about this whole thing, so even if she talks to him about it, he just ignores it all.

We need some way of telling him to either propose or don’t be with her anymore, if he isn’t going to marry her. We need some way of telling him this without him just completely ignoring us.

What ideas do you all have?
Click to expand...
You put “Texan” above “Catholic” in your signature, and so do your brother and his girlfriend put their “American” or “Texan” identity above “Catholic”, and therefore live what they understand their identity to be - They are “American” with its cultural licenses of morality and protest against Catholic obedience to a Pope or to a God.

The Kingdom of God is a treasure hidden in a field (the Catholic Church hidden within the United States and the other peoples of the world, and even hidden in Texas). The answer is in spotting the treasure, wanting it so much that you will let go of anything and everything that impedes having that treasure, full participation in that treasure. If the Catholic Church grants new identity as “Catholic” to replace former identity as “Texan” or “American”, he and his girlfriend have not seen this. Let him see you as Catholic living in Texas or in America, but not see you as American going to church in a catholic setting. Catholic is what and who you are.
 
Your mother has already expressed her disapproval to your brother and he has rejected her request. Has she also mentioned that he and his girlfriend are living in a state of mortal sin? He probably knows it and doesn’t believe it or care. That is his free will choice.
You have warned him and now the only thing you can do is pray that they get married soon. Be nice to the girlfriend despite this error in judgement.

Unfortunately this practice of living together is extremely common now, I have recently been invited to two weddings and in both situations the couples are already living together in their first homes and have been for years! I am grateful that they are getting married. Still it makes me sad that they have willfully rejected God’s law in the process.
 
mothers unfortunately are not very persuasive in these aspects especially when it comes to sons.

this is where your father should take a stance. of course, he can’t force them to live as they should live but he would certainly have a greater impact, provided he himself upholds the same high, moral standards.

If there’s no father, it takes years of prayers on behalf of the mother to make up for that absence (as we see with St. Monica and St. Augustine).
 
John_Martin said:
And they brought a woman caught in immoral living to Jesus to see what he would say, “She was caught living in sin”

Jesus had been teaching his disciples so he stood up from where he was writing his lessons to them on the ground and said, “She’s an adult who is independent/successful enough to have just bought his own home. It’s her decision. Leave her alone.” And when all had left he said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Is there none?” She answered, “No, lord”. He then answered, “Neither do I find anything wrong with what you are doing, so go, and live with your decision”.

Hmmm… a different Jesus that ‘kind of protestants’ know.
Click to expand...
So what’s YOUR proposal? Kidnap him and lock him in the basement?
 
Other people have summed it up well: you can’t force your brother to change, even though yes, he is not doing right by himself or by his girlfriend.

I do have to commend your mother, though, for reminding him that what he was doing was wrong. We are to admonish sinners, and even if it doesn’t go anywhere, he’ll remember what she said and maybe down the road it will affect him.

My husband and I lived together before marriage (though we were engaged and had set a wedding date). Nobody said anything to us about it being wrong. We probably wouldn’t have listened, maybe we would have even been a bit miffed, but it is kind of weird looking back knowing we were walking into a far from ideal situation and nobody who loved us felt like they should warn us. Of course, we didn’t really know very many people who would have thought it was wrong anyhow.
 
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