My brother just told me he's gay

[AssisiFollower]

I just found out that my little brother is gay. He is a non-denominational Protestant Christian, and is struggling in his faith. I have been trying to convert him to Catholicism (gently, can’t push it with him). When he told me, I just gave him my understanding of the Church’s line on this – not wrong to be gay, however you have to be chaste. He says he agrees but he feels this inner dichotomy between believing in Christian morality and believing in what the culture says about doing whatever ‘makes you happy.’ I tried to lecture him on this a little bit, but couldn’t keep his attention long enough to make the full argument against this culture’s hedonistic beliefs.

Has anyone else here had to deal with a similar situation? Did you tell your loved one anything that clicked with them? Please give advice. I feel so sad for him and overwhelmed.

 

[Trishie]

In the end your prayer for your brother, and your continuing love of him is your best gift.
He’s heard what you’ve said, and his appearance of not remaining attentive, may just be because it’s all overwhelming for him even though he understands. He still has the dilemma of the dichotomy of two difficult opposing realities, so the rest is up to prayer and trust in God.

You wish it is otherwise, that your brother didn’t find himself struggling with something that causes him confusion and offers two choices that each bring some kind of pain. We don’t wish that kind of conflict for the people we love.
My prayers for your brother and for you.

(And yes, a family member has this issue. I wish he didn’t and it was an adjustment as it has not been something our large family encountered previously. We talked, he knows the issues, and now I pray and trust in God. I,/we give him the love and respect that a family member has the right to expect.)

God bless you, your brother, and all your family.
Kindly, Trishie

 

[SMGS127]

OP,

Perhaps you could discuss something in your life, preferably supported by society, that you restrain from doing due to your love for God and Church so that it doesn’t seem like he’s the only person who has to hold back on temptation? Obviously it won’t be homosexuality-related, but if you can tie in another issue to make him feel like he isn’t being forced to do something alone, it might make him less willing to go along with society. I find a lot of times that gays feel isolated and picked on, that somehow the Church turns a blind eye to others’ sins but comes down harshly on homosexual conduct. Also, keep letting him know (as it seems you have been) that having same sex attractions does not mean he is a bad person, and his family will always love him. Either way, I’ll be praying for you & him!

 

[chris62]

Sad news for you indeed.

I always feel a homosexual, a drug addict, an alcoholic etc, are victims of today’s culture.
In another time and place they wouldn’t be addicted to drugs, they wouldn’t be addicted to alcohol and the same sex attractions wouldn’t have manifested itself to such an extent.
100 years ago your brother could have been happily married with five or six children.
But these are the tormented times that we live in today thanks to Hollywood etc…

 

[SpringWater]

Sad news for you indeed.

I always feel a homosexual, a drug addict, an alcoholic etc, are victims of today’s culture.
In another time and place they wouldn’t be addicted to drugs, they wouldn’t be addicted to alcohol and the same sex attractions wouldn’t have manifested itself to such an extent.
100 years ago your brother could have been happily married with five or six children.
But these are the tormented times that we live in today thanks to Hollywood etc…

AND you think being gay is a choice? Even if it is, it isn’t bad at all.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

100 years ago your brother could have been happily married with five or six children.

Hi there. I’m a man who has very strong same-sex attractions, and is happily married with five children.

OK, so I’m attracted to women too (though not as much). So are many people who call themselves gay. If I were not Christian, I would call myself gay, and pretty much ignore the attraction I have to women. So don’t count anything out, AssisiFollower – but definitely don’t act like your brother needs to change his attractions in some way.

But I think that we give the culture too much credit. The reason that homosexuality is such a scourge to individual Catholics is at least as much because of the Church as it is because of the culture. People are not open about these things. And so, men with SSA feel like they need to hide, like the very attraction is something shameful. But it’s not! It’s a temptation, big deal.

AssisiFollower,

I would say, encourage your brother to be open with trustworthy people in the Church about his attractions. Break the bonds of shame. Because if he’s forced between deciding to stay in a Church that (he feels) finds him shameful or join a culture that is largely shameless, he’s far too likely to join the latter.

Highly recommended reading: Washed and Waiting, by Wesley Hill. Wesley’s not Catholic, but he is very clear thinking and orthodox on this topic.

Keep on showing love to your brother! God bless you both!

 

[chris62]

AND you think being gay is a choice? Even if it is, it isn’t bad at all.

I think SSAs have spiralled as culture swamps such options on to the vulnerable, like people who are prone to drug addictions and alcohol addictions etc.
Their crosses get harder to bear.
And for Catholics, homosexual acts are mortal sins, which is bad.

 

[SMGS127]

AND you think being gay is a choice? Even if it is, it isn’t bad at all.

Being gay in and of itself is not a sin, anymore than being tempted to masturbate or drink is a sin. The sin is in acting on the behavior. So yes, it is a choice to act on your impulses, even if they are the only sexual impulses you have (e.g. you are fully homosexual and have no attraction to the opposite sex). The Catholic Church teaches against homosexual conduct, so it is bad for Catholics to act on same-sex desires.

 

[jmcrae]

OP,

Perhaps you could discuss something in your life, preferably supported by society, that you restrain from doing due to your love for God and Church so that it doesn’t seem like he’s the only person who has to hold back on temptation? Obviously it won’t be homosexuality-related, but if you can tie in another issue to make him feel like he isn’t being forced to do something alone, it might make him less willing to go along with society. I find a lot of times that gays feel isolated and picked on, that somehow the Church turns a blind eye to others’ sins but comes down harshly on homosexual conduct. Also, keep letting him know (as it seems you have been) that having same sex attractions does not mean he is a bad person, and his family will always love him. Either way, I’ll be praying for you & him!

I think this is a very good idea. Make sure he understands that temptation is a universal thing, and that while you don’t suffer from the same temptations that he does, you still have to battle your own demons, and that none of us gets a free pass to sin just because of the strength of the temptation, or society’s approval of it. (Perhaps discuss with him that even as a heterosexual, you have to keep pure from all kinds of things that society approves of, and even considers to be signs of masculinity.)

 

[AssisiFollower]

Thank you, everyone, for your advice and prayers on this. Normally when OP says ‘thanks,’ it seems the thread ends – I’d just like to say I appreciate the advice but please don’t think this thread is over, if you were going to contribute advice

 

[Booter]

couragerc.net/

 

[Blue_Horizon]

Hi there. I’m a man who has very strong same-sex attractions, and is happily married with five children.

OK, so I’m attracted to women too (though not as much). So are many people who call themselves gay. If I were not Christian, I would call myself gay, and pretty much ignore the attraction I have to women. So don’t count anything out, AssisiFollower – but definitely don’t act like your brother needs to change his attractions in some way.

But I think that we give the culture too much credit. The reason that homosexuality is such a scourge to individual Catholics is at least as much because of the Church as it is because of the culture. People are not open about these things. And so, men with SSA feel like they need to hide, like the very attraction is something shameful. But it’s not! It’s a temptation, big deal.

AssisiFollower,

I would say, encourage your brother to be open with trustworthy people in the Church about his attractions. Break the bonds of shame. Because if he’s forced between deciding to stay in a Church that (he feels) finds him shameful or join a culture that is largely shameless, he’s far too likely to join the latter.

Highly recommended reading: Washed and Waiting, by Wesley Hill. Wesley’s not Catholic, but he is very clear thinking and orthodox on this topic.

Keep on showing love to your brother! God bless you both!

Great wisdom here .

 

[Blue_Horizon]

AND you think being gay is a choice?

SW We do understand from your capital letters and mildly sarcastic tone that you yourself have experienced pain over this point in the past. Well I am sorry to hear that. No doubt some less mature contributors on this thread will continue in that vein and I am sorry for that in advance also. However do keep in mind that many on this thread do realise choice is lacking in varying degrees wrt this issue.

My observation, from your somewhat uncalled for criticism above, would be that despite your opininion to ther contrary (“it isn’t all that bad”) you are not wholly secure in whatever way you are presently dealing with being gay (or your mates if you are not in fact gay).

Even if it is, it isn’t bad at all.

And that is because…
(a) you aren’t a Christian and see no reason for restraint?
(b) you experience a low sex drive?
(c) you are a very well integrated person
(d) other?
(e) you aren’t Christian and see no reason for restraint?

 

[SMGS127]

.
Since when does “the culture” say someone should do whatever makes one happy? Which culture are you speaking of?
And…are you saying, you don’t want your brother to do what will make him happy?

.

I think she means that the culture says that you can and should do whatever you want to do, no matter what the personal cost, if you think it will make you happy, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else (and even sometimes when it does). You can’t deny we live in an excessively permissive environment, especially regarding sexuality.

And she wants her brother to be happy; she just doesn’t want him to seek temporary pleasure on Earth at the expense of his soul.

 

[AssisiFollower]

I think she means that the culture says that you can and should do whatever you want to do, no matter what the personal cost, if you think it will make you happy, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone else (and even sometimes when it does). You can’t deny we live in an excessively permissive environment, especially regarding sexuality.

And she wants her brother to be happy; she just doesn’t want him to seek temporary pleasure on Earth at the expense of his soul.

Thank you, this is exactly so.