My child is badly behaved at mass :(

[martininthefiel]

Three is worse.

No particular advice outside of what others have said, but a funny story.

One Sunday, I was the subdeacon at a church in Maryland. In that parish, the subdeacon read the intercessions from the back of the nave.

I was standing in full vestments, prayerbook in hand, ready to begin, when running towards me at full tilt was my then 3 year-old daughter, shouting at the top of her lungs, “Dadd-ieee!”

It got a hardy chuckle, and applause from all in attendance including the priest!

 

[Befink]

I have this problem as my 2.5 yo doesn’t talk, can’t be disciplined, and wants to run around constantly.

I generally take the lead with him while my wife gets to sit for mass. Our son is most calm in cars, strollers etc. Therefore I pace the back of the church with him in the stroller to keep him moving. I also bring snacks and toys to try to occupy him. Needless to say, most church goers recognize me by now. When he’s too hyper, we end up in the vestibule for the remainder.

Probably the key is going to mass prepared to do our best but expecting to get nothing out of it. What we do get becomes a bonus. In reality, we get to about the creed before I have to take him out. I can always carry him back in for communion (note I don’t take it yet). My wife usually takes over after her communion and lets me pray in the pews for the last few minutes.

We have gone to separate masses too sometimes. It’s not ideal but then neither is what I just described. Clearly he’s not ready yet and there’s no reasoning with him yet. I figure it has to get easier eventually. (but then again it’s still getting harder every week )

Congrats on your new addition.

 

[SouthCatholic]

Three is worse.

No particular advice outside of what others have said, but a funny story.

One Sunday, I was the subdeacon at a church in Maryland. In that parish, the subdeacon read the intercessions from the back of the nave.

I was standing in full vestments, prayerbook in hand, ready to begin, when running towards me at full tilt was my then 3 year-old daughter, shouting at the top of her lungs, “Dadd-ieee!”

It got a hardy chuckle, and applause from all in attendance including the priest!

In our church it’s the Deacon’s granddaughter!

One of or former priests used to say of children who made noise–“they are just giving God the voice God gave them.” He’d get irritated when people took kids out of mass. Those masses were always PACKED! When he died (last year), there was a caravan of cars to the neighboring state for the funeral. When they printed his obituary in the newspaper, there were dozens of letters to the editor commenting on memories with him.

Our current priest has no relationship or rapport with the children. One woman used to bring her four children to mass (she is married but her husband is not Catholic). She had two older children (around 7 and 10) and two wee ones (around 1 and 3). They were mostly well-behaved but occasionally the two wee ones would get restless. This man actually stationed ushers at the back of the church and told them to ask her to leave as soon as one of the kids made a sound. She no longer comes to mass at our church and neither does her aunt (with 2 children) and her uncle (the aunt’s older brother). He actually told one man (single father)—in the middle of mass— to leave the church with his 1.5 y.o. son when the child got restless! When the archbishop came to say mass, we did not have 8 trained altar servers (the number the archdiocese requested) because the priest has such a nasty disposition that they all quit as soon as their parents allow them to quit.

Our current priest has driven people away. We now average 230 people across all three weekend masses. Before he came to our church we would average almost triple that at the 10am mass alone to the point that if you did not get to mass 15 minutes early you had to park in the neighboring nursing home’s parking lot and say your prayers that you would get a seat in the church and not be relegated to the chapel (or worse the cry room). Our masses were so packed that the altar servers, EMHC’s, and readers had to sit on the side of the altar because we needed the space in the pews to accommodate parishioners. On holidays like Christmas and Easter, you had to get there 30 minutes early or forget it! It hurts my heart to see how far our church attendance has declined. (And, no I am not some old woman reminiscing about the good old days; I am in my early 40’s). When you drive children away, you really drive families away and it can kill a parish. I wish more people would recognize this before they complain about a 2 year old doing what 2 year olds do!

 

[Nom_the_Wise]

I was thinking that when I was young and not a father I used to just take it for granted that kids at Mass were going to make noise. Now that I’m the father of a 5 year old, I’m horrified when he won’t sit still. I’ve had to embrace the fact that my wife and I could be better disciplinarians, as our son attends Catholic school as a kindergartner, and they don’t have problems with him at school Mass. It’s just us. I’ve considered asking his teacher come to our Mass to put him in line. Also, he’s been diagnosed as having asperger’s syndrome, though he is “high functioning.” Always remember that behaviors can have sources that you don’t know about yet.

 

[peaceplease]

You can not reason with a child under the age of three. And, it is not misbehavior at age 2 1/2. And, smacking a child of 2 is abuse to me. It is totally unnecessary to hit a child.

I would have a sitter and go to church without toddler.

Personally, I feel most children will not sit still until the age of 6 or 7.

 

[defenderoftruth]

I have a 22 month old that we take to Mass with us and a 7 year old. The 7 year old is obviously a lot better at sitting still… My daughter, the 22 month old, doesn’t want to sit still either.I don’t allow her to interupt the Mass though. We bring books and queit things for her to play with. We also bring clean snacks for her to eat and things like that. If she does start to scream or cry I give her a sec or two of “the look” and then immediately get up and take her outside. I pop her on the leg 2 times and make her sit down for a brief timeout while she resets. As soon as she’s calmed down I pick her up and go back into Mass. I do the exact same routine everytime she gets lound. Unfortunately that does result in me missing some portions (sometimes almost all of) Mass, but I personally think it will be worth it when she learns to behave. Me and my wife do alternate taking her out to make sure that we both get some time in Mass. We have noticed that she is much better than when we first started coming to Mass about 6 or 7 months ago, though she still has those times where is doesn’t matter what you do. We have also found that switching Mass times helped too, since she’s more tired, grumpy, and ready for a nap during the later Mass. I have also recently heard that some people have sucess by taking them back out to the vehicle and strapping them into the car seat if you can’t get them to sit in time-out properly. There are really a bunch of different way to attempt. I think it really depends on what you find works… That’s all I got, and I hope it helps. Good luck and God Bless

you sound like us!

 

[Sharen]

I hear you!!! My 2.5 yo daughter never stops moving except when she’s passed out asleep. Here is another vote for going to Mass alone! I go to the 5pm vigil on Saturday evenings. It is so quiet I can hear the Baptismal Font, After being home all week with the kids, it really helps me recharge. DH takes the older two boys, 6 and 9, to 10:30 Sun Mass. They help greet and behave reasonably well. They both have Asperger’s Syndrome, so there are rough patches if music gets too loud or the get in eachother’s personal space too much,

We have made the decision as parents not to allow food, snacks or toys during Mass.( but I did nurse DD when she was a baby For us, we have found that waiting until our children are 5 or so has worked best for us. We never had to break them of the habit of “distractors” durning the Mass and went over the readings before we go so there is some familiarity. She sounds like a typical active 2 year old! Good luck with the new baby and congratulations!

 

[cemiller]

You can not reason with a child under the age of three. And, it is not misbehavior at age 2 1/2. And, smacking a child of 2 is abuse to me. It is totally unnecessary to hit a child.

I would have a sitter and go to church without toddler.

Personally, I feel most children will not sit still until the age of 6 or 7.

You are free to feel that way if you wish. However I feel that it is one form of disipline that works best for children that can talk yet. They don’t understand reasoning yet so talking is completely useless. I used the same type of disipline for my 7 year old and he is exteremly well behaved… Saying that popping a child of 2 is abuse is exactly why parents are scared to correct their children these days. Everywhere you go, if you do anything but give in to their every wish, then you get a nasty look from some one who thinks you’re just mean. I use a variety of other methods too, the time out, the redirection with toys, etc… but popping my daughter is the one that has, for now, worked the best to correct her. I haven’t had to spank my son in over a year now, since other things work better with him now. It all depends on the child and what works with them, and calling a mode of disipline that has worked for 1000’s of years is absurd.

 

[ConstantineTG]

Bring your child to Mass. Its difficult, but in these challenges is when we see God and are closer to God than when we are having it our way.

 

[Joan_M]

You can not reason with a child under the age of three. And, it is not misbehavior at age 2 1/2. And, smacking a child of 2 is abuse to me. It is totally unnecessary to hit a child.

I would have a sitter and go to church without toddler.

Personally, I feel most children will not sit still until the age of 6 or 7.

Absolute rubbish! You think that 2 year old children cannot misbehave? Where are you from?? Planet X? Not earth, surely!

If a child of 2 does not obey parents most of the time, they will have a major problem on their hands. 2 year olds understand very well when they are misbehaving, and, if not disciplined will continue to behave worse and worse until they are disciplined, because they need to know their boundaries.

The problem with most children today is that they are in charge, not their parents. Too many parents today want to be friends with their children and, as a result, are creating problems for themselves.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

BREAKABLES IN A CRY ROOM???



What in the world??? I would try to get this changed. People who come late or whatever should not be in the CRY ROOM!!! That is why it’s called a CRY ROOM!!! Not a physically unable to sit room!!!

Take this up with the priest if he’s sympathetic. Tell him all breakables need to be immediately removed and this room needs to be dedicated to children! He needs to announce this. The people who come late should go into the narthex until such time as they can be seated, OR THEY CAN COME ON TIME for goodness’ sake!

Still shaking my head at having breakables in a CRY ROOM!!!

:nope:

Oh, and you also might find that your little spitfire may grow up a bit once the baby arrives. You will be talking to her about what a BIG GIRL she is and how she is so different from the BABY who really can’t do anything, and you might find that she is ready to teach the baby what a BIG GIRL can act like.

Congratulations on your upcoming 2nd child! :extrahappy::dancing:

 

[Tridentinum]

Take him to the Latin Mass!

 

[cemiller]

Absolute rubbish! You think that 2 year old children cannot misbehave? Where are you from?? Planet X? Not earth, surely!

If a child of 2 does not obey parents most of the time, they will have a major problem on their hands. 2 year olds understand very well when they are misbehaving, and, if not disciplined will continue to behave worse and worse until they are disciplined, because they need to know their boundaries.

The problem with most children today is that they are in charge, not their parents. Too many parents today want to be friends with their children and, as a result, are creating problems for themselves.

My 2 year old daughter can look at things and say “don’t touch” or “hot owy” She KNOWS there are certain things she can and can’t do. Just because they are 2 doesn’t mean they are stupid and don’t understand anything going on around them. They may not be able to break down complex sentences, but the idea that they cannot intentionally misbehave is just insane! I have 2 kids myself and seen it with my own two eyes, not to mention the other children that all of my friends have that I have also watched grow up. And you can absolutely tell which parents start disciplining their children young and which ones don’t bother because they feel it’s too early… Not to say bad behavior can’t be corrected later in life, but it’s definitely harder for child and parent to reverse a bad habit then it is to stop it before it becomes a bad habit.

 

[Serap]

Absolute rubbish! You think that 2 year old children cannot misbehave? Where are you from?? Planet X? Not earth, surely!

If a child of 2 does not obey parents most of the time, they will have a major problem on their hands. 2 year olds understand very well when they are misbehaving, and, if not disciplined will continue to behave worse and worse until they are disciplined, because they need to know their boundaries.

The problem with most children today is that they are in charge, not their parents. Too many parents today want to be friends with their children and, as a result, are creating problems for themselves.

I’ve been doing a lot of research b/c my son is so difficult and I think she’s right…children under 3 don’t misbehave…they are not able to correlate cause and effect. I am learning this myself.

That’s why they say remove and distract at age 2.

 

[cemiller]

I’ve been doing a lot of research b/c my son is so difficult and I think she’s right…children under 3 don’t misbehave…they are not able to correlate cause and effect. I am learning this myself.

That’s why they say remove and distract at age 2.

I’m sorry, but watching my kids, and other peoples kids that are in this age range I would completely disagree with that. Like I said earlier I have personally seen both of my kids purposefully look at me and do something they know they’re no supposed to do. My daughter will actually take off running because she knows she’s about to be in trouble. She has learned that in stores if she’s walking instead of riding in the cart and I tell her to stop and she doesn’t then she gets placed (usually while screaming) into the cart and buckled in for a time-out. Now she stops 95% of the time when I tell her to (though she is two and sometimes she just does it anyway…) If she knows she’ll be in time-out if she doens’t stop as asked, then obviously she has related the undesired time-out with not listening.

 

[themeginthemoon]

I’ve been doing a lot of research b/c my son is so difficult and I think she’s right…children under 3 don’t misbehave…they are not able to correlate cause and effect. I am learning this myself.

That’s why they say remove and distract at age 2.

LOL. I almost always agree with you, but my daughter definitely knows what she is doing She will be 3 in May, and she is definitely aware of what pushes mommy and daddy’s buttons.

That being said, I know that at her age, self control is a major stumbling block. At 2.5, she is guided by mostly raw emotion and impulse. We don’t “pop” her or do time-outs in mass because it just doesn’t seem like the place. I know we are asking a lot for her to be quiet and still. There are lots of tricks and means suggested that we can try, and I am looking forward to giving it a fresh shot after I have recovered from the C-section.

I know my child is a blessing, even though she drives us a little nuts sometimes! She is a precious gift, and we couldn’t love her more.

As far as people staring? I know that it’s their problem and not mine… and with so many other things, I can let it go. I guess it’s hardest at mass because it feels like more of a spotlight. In public, I just smile and say ‘yup, she’s a spirited one!’. At mass, I just stare straight forward and try not to blush.

I think leaving her at home for a while after the baby comes will be helpful as well, at least until baby can have a bottle at 4 weeks so that she can stay at home with my husband (I plan on breastfeeding). Then, I can try using mass as ‘special time’ with mommy

Thanks again for all of the advice!

 

[chepner3]

Along with all the above, I can assure you that even when your preschooler is PERFECT during mass, they are still a distraction. I did everything I could to continue to take her to mass (alone because like you my husband isn’t Catholic), but it was hard.

All I can say is, “This too shall pass.” Now my DD is an angel at mass even though she loves to cuddle up to me the whole time - which is a distraction when I’m deep in private prayer but what is more important? She is, obviously.

Take your child for a walk. Sometimes they pipe the mass into the lobby outside the church. If not, go ahead and walk around the back of the church. Point out the statues, the flowers. Sometimes take a seat way in the back of the church and set your child up on the floor beside you so she has toys to quietly play with. When the time came for the eucharist, I’d go, “Shhhh, you’re going to see a miracle happen.” DD’s eyes would grow wide and she’d watch the priest closely. She still loves that part of the mass.

As far as willfulness, with my 2-yr old I had to have what I call “a battle royale”. During the week, I’d clear my calendar and she’d have to obey every command immediately all day long. If she didn’t she had to sit in time out in a chair right across from me - one minute per year - so for 2 minutes. She had to be quiet during her time out or else it would start all over again. We spent several months doing ‘battle royales’ off and on until she figured out when I said “X”, I meant it and she really did have to do what I said. Now all I have to do is give her “the look” and she knows I mean business. If all else fails, I start counting 1-2-3 (slowly). I never get passed “1” anymore. She knows, “Don’t you dare let me get to 3” because if she does, she isn’t going to like the result (although she never quite knows what awful punishment I might come up with.)

Parenting takes time. I can assure you that there are many days the LAST thing I wanted to do was a Battle Royale. It was pretty boring and frustrating for me, too. But what am I going to do? I’m the parent and my job is important, so I took the time.

 

[cemiller]

LOL. I almost always agree with you, but my daughter definitely knows what she is doing She will be 3 in May, and she is definitely aware of what pushes mommy and daddy’s buttons.

That being said, I know that at her age, self control is a major stumbling block. At 2.5, she is guided by mostly raw emotion and impulse. We don’t “pop” her or do time-outs in mass because it just doesn’t seem like the place. I know we are asking a lot for her to be quiet and still. There are lots of tricks and means suggested that we can try, and I am looking forward to giving it a fresh shot after I have recovered from the C-section.

I know my child is a blessing, even though she drives us a little nuts sometimes! She is a precious gift, and we couldn’t love her more.

As far as people staring? I know that it’s their problem and not mine… and with so many other things, I can let it go. I guess it’s hardest at mass because it feels like more of a spotlight. In public, I just smile and say ‘yup, she’s a spirited one!’. At mass, I just stare straight forward and try not to blush.

I think leaving her at home for a while after the baby comes will be helpful as well, at least until baby can have a bottle at 4 weeks so that she can stay at home with my husband (I plan on breastfeeding). Then, I can try using mass as ‘special time’ with mommy

Thanks again for all of the advice!

I don’t think there’s a way in the world to get a 2-3 year old to sit perfectly still for an hour or more… At least if there is I haven’t found it yet or seen anyone who has… lol I use disipline in Mass as an absolute last resort. I’ve tried everything else. Picking her up, toys for her to play with, we usually let her move around in the pews between us and give her a little room to do so, we bring books so that she can “read” when we are, and we even bring clean snacks (so as to not dirty up the Church) to occupy her, but when that all fails and she start to pitch a fit, then we go to time-outs and such. It’s been slowly working for her, I certainly can’t claim an overwhelming and instant sucess, but I would be wary of anyone who did… It takes them time to learn what is acceptable and what is not, just a part of life, and again what works for one won’t work for all. Each child is different, and certain methods work better with one than the other, and even then it changes with time. For instance time-outs are starting to gain more ground with my daughter so I’ll start using them more, but redirection has NEVER worked for her… It did to an extent with my son, but I don’t know if she’s just got a better memory then him or what, but it seems that she just never forgets what it was she wanted to do… lol Anyways I’m sure you know your kids the best as far as disipline goes, but the other ideas may be a help at keeping her entertained (which will normally stop you from even needing to disipline in the first place)

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Eventually they all grow up…become teenagers…

argue about what they are allowed to wear to church…

who slouch into Mass…

who fall asleep during the homily…

who manage to project their attitude even during prayer…

Embarrassment of a different kind…

 

[EasterJoy]

My kids made it impossible to pay attention at Mass when they were two or three. It was just too long for them. We didn’t want to do the cry room thing, because the atmosphere in there was that church was a place to run around. Instead, we left them home until they were five, and then we went to the sit-in-front strategy. If they were good and could tell us something Father said in his homily, they got a treat. We also made sure that they had Sunday clothes that they were comfortable in and that they liked. They are now altar servers and often go to daily Mass by choice…no “treat” required.

I think it is good to go to Mass from the time you’re a babe in arms, but for some kids, it is better to choose your battles and wait until they settle down a bit. It comes down to what the parent thinks is within the child’s ability. If you ask them to do too much, they resent whatever it is that you’re insisting that they do.