My current relationship, your thoughts?

[berkley09]

Hello CAF-

I visit these forums often and signed up to seek advice and reply to posts

In short, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years. He’s from another English speaking country and moved to my country last year so I could finish University. I graduate in two years. After graduation, the plan is to go back to his country. I would like to live abroad but I don’t want to live in his country indefinitely. Also he does not want to live in my country indefinitely either.

What it has come down to is- should we break up? Are we living a lie and wasting time?

We both care about each other so much and have the same values. I want to be with him but maybe it’s not meant to be.

 

[1ke]

Well, you have to live one place or the other, and if this is non-negotiable for you then there really isn’t a future together. These are the sorts of things that should be discussed well before one has established an emotional attachment and spent two years in a relationship. Because now it will be very hard to do the thing you know you must do if you are at an impasse.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

If you loved each other- the answer is easy. Love makes the decision.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hello CAF-

I visit these forums often and signed up to seek advice and reply to posts

In short, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years. He’s from another English speaking country and moved to my country last year so I could finish University. I graduate in two years. After graduation, the plan is to go back to his country. I would like to live abroad but I don’t want to live in his country indefinitely. Also he does not want to live in my country indefinitely either.

What it has come down to is- should we break up? Are we living a lie and wasting time?

We both care about each other so much and have the same values. I want to be with him but maybe it’s not meant to be.

Let me see if I understand. You’ve been “dating” this boy for 2 years, but actually hadn’t truly met him until a year ago, since he wasn’t in your country. And now he is waiting for you to finish university so you can marry? I hope so, although you didn’t say that. After you marry, he plans to return to his country, where I assume he will have a job waiting? If the plan is not to marry before you leave your country, do not move to his country under any circumstances. Why would you do such a thing? And if you do marry him, you have already said you do not want to live in his country where his family is (I presume). Yet he does not want to live where your family is.

Yes, it’s a problem. During the year you were contacting each other through the internet, phone, etc. you should have decided that it’s not going to work out unless someone is unhappy with where the couple lives, and that’s not going to change.

Actually I am proud of you that you have not accepted moving to his country even though you will not be happy and do not want to stay there. Many young women would go ahead even though their hearts told them not to, and they would be miserable and stuck in a bad situation.

 

[berkley09]

I wish it were that easy. I love and would die for him, but I also do not want to live in his country indefinitely and move away from my immediate family. I’d like my possible future children to grow up in the area I did. Not half way around the world in a place I’m not comfortable in. I know I couldn’t afford to go “home” every year. Maybe if I was a millionaire and live in each place for 6 months out of the year.

If you loved each other- the answer is easy. Love makes the decision.

 

[berkley09]

Too true. Sometimes you know what you have to do but you have to hear it from other people because it doesn’t seem real! I do regret not sorting this out sooner but we care so much for each other. We thought if we kept praying we’d be granted a solution somehow.

Well, you have to live one place or the other, and if this is non-negotiable for you then there really isn’t a future together. These are the sorts of things that should be discussed well before one has established an emotional attachment and spent two years in a relationship. Because now it will be very hard to do the thing you know you must do if you are at an impasse.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Too true. Sometimes you know what you have to do but you have to hear it from other people because it doesn’t seem real! I do regret not sorting this out sooner but we care so much for each other. We thought if we kept praying we’d be granted a solution somehow.

The internet can be a great blessing, but as for meeting someone half a world away…It would be better to look closer to home.

 

[Catholic1954]

If you never intend to live with him in his country, and he feels the same about living here, you can either find a third location you can agree on or end this relationship and find someone willing to relocate.

 

[1ke]

The internet can be a great blessing, but as for meeting someone half a world away…It would be better to look closer to home.

That completely depends upon the two individuals.

My (American) sister met her now husband (who did not meet on the internet, but used the internet to facilitate their communication after they met) who is from Europe and they live in Europe. She has traveled extensively and did study-abroad, so she has had a lot of exposure to foreign culture and living in a foreign country. So has he.

She was totally game for moving to his country after they married, and did so. He also was supportive of her and is willing to move to the US if she is unhappy in Europe/too homesick at any point in the future.

In other cases, people are just not suited for living in a foreign country or very far from their families, etc. I think it’s about knowing your limits. If that is one, then certainly avoid such long distance situations. But, if it’s not, then I see no reason to avoid it.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t want to live in his country indefinitely. Also he does not want to live in my country indefinitely either.

What it has come down to is- should we break up? Are we living a lie and wasting time?

You both know that you don’t want to live in the other’s country. Sounds like a stalemate. I do think it is a lie to continue acting as if this relationship can go anywhere, when neither of you wants to go anywhere permanently.

Are you wasting time? Possibly. If you want to think of this only as a friendship, it is not waste of time to know someone, but to think of it as a potential spouse, it may be a waste of time. I am not a big fan of staying with someone just because there is no one else. Let go of this relationship and God may bring you someone better suited for both of you.

 

[dconklin]

Berkley-

You are young. Get through school - then live your life. Find out what you want to do for a living. Chances are your choice will change a few times.

 

[Gearoidin]

I’m sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation but you should have discussed this before he moved to your country to be with you. I presume he has a job in his home country that he can go back to?
That said, I understand what you are going through. I live in Japan, my husband is Japanese but I am from Ireland. All my family live in Ireland or the UK. His family live about 1 hour from us. Do I miss my family? Yes. Do I regret living here? No.
All marriages are about compromise and it looks like neither of you is willing to do this. Unless you marry someone from the same town, and you both have jobs in your local area, there is a chance that you may still have to move away from your family. Some people find themselves living at the opposite side of the country because of work or some other reason.
When you get married you leave your family and create a new one, with your husband and any children that God gives you. Unless you are ready for this, which may involve living away from your family, then you are not ready to get married.
Since you are still at university with 2 years before graduation, I imagine you are in your late teens or early 20s? You are still young and you will mature a lot in the next two years. Is he the same age? Are your original countries far apart? If you are talking about, for example, Ireland and the UK, then it is easy and cheap to travel between them and you would both be able to see your parents frequently. If they are very far apart, for example, the UK and Australia, this would be impossible. I imagine you are talking about 2 countries that are far apart?

 

[totustuuspapa]

This is a tough dilemma for sure! Even with Love there is no easy answer. I have some experience with it myself in that I moved cross-county to live near the man in my life in order to discern marriage. It has not been easy. On one side I moved closer to some of my family members, but on the other side I moved away from my older children. It is very clear that I want to have all of it in living close to my kids and having this relationship; but it is just impossible! This has been the compromise in that we will visit often and later on probably purchase a vac. home where my kids are.

This has been a progression of acceptance for me. I have almost left more than once! But it is working. It is a sacrifice that had to be made this way for a number of reasons. My feelings and lonesomeness are what I have to work through. I know that I know this is the right decision but it is not without sacrifice! But everything is not easy in life! I had to come to a point of total commitment and I have peace about it as a result.

The two of you could negotiate how to handle your future; make a basic plan of where to live for a period of time taking into consideration jobs, children, etc. You have to put it all on the table and negotiate together. If the relationship is worth it than you can work through this with respect, love, and sacrifice. Both of you need to support each other in the sacrifices that you choose to make and both of you need to contribute to the sacrifice. Write it down if you need to but come to an agreement and a plan that you both are able to commit to. And always have spiritual support in dealing with these sacrifices and God can move you to some great growth personally and in your relationship. This could turn out to be an incredible adventure for you and your future family.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Please also, as you are discerning the way forward, consider future children and what country they will be citizens of. I don’t believe that your children born in a foreign country are automatically US citizens, for example. That can be a factor in so many other decisions in life. I would call the Consulate for his country and find out how it would work, should you decide to go back to his country and have children.

Take your time, pray, talk to your priest. Pray some more, talk to your boyfriend in depth. Also ask him if he intends to support you once the children arrive. Or does he expect you to work after having the children? Everything should be out and on the table for discussion. How much time will you spend with his parents or other relatives? Will his parents have a say in your marriage and how you raise the children?