My dad says no..

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I am 22 and will be getting married next summer 2006. I’m a University student and still live at home (free of charge!)

I have a cousin on my father’s side of the family who is a few years older than me, and whom I have never met.

She got married last year (her marriage only lasted 3 months, before they divorced…) and although she invited her aunt (my dad’s sister), she invited neither her own father (my dad’s brother) nor my own mother & father.

Because of this my dad is banning me from inviting her to my wedding.

My question is…do I have to not invite her, just because my dad says so…?

I personally have nothing against her and wouldn’t mind at least inviting her. I mean, she IS my cousin and I would like a friendship with her!
Plus, who knows, maybe one day I will need a kidney transplant or something!

The cost of the wedding is being split three ways between my parents, my fiance and my future in-laws.

Do you think it would be rude and disrespectful of me to disobey my dad, and invite her…or should I just accept that his grudge…?

Thanks for any words of advice/wisdom…
 
Do you know why your family wasn’t invited? Was there some previous tension? Perhaps on approval of the wedding? Or was it just a small wedding a lots of people weren’t invited?
 
This sounds like a really tricky situation. I got married just a little over a year ago (and am still very happily married!). I had trouble agreeing with my parents about whether I could invite a few friends from college to my wedding. It was quite a sticking point, because my mom insisted on inviting MANY relatives that I have never met or met only once, while they forbade me to invite my college friends because my brother (who went to the same college and was in the same program) had a falling-out with them. I am still sorry to this day that I couldn’t invite my friends, but I know that my parents had at least some reason… Although my parents and I split the cost of the wedding (since my in-laws were hosting a separate celebration in their end of the country), my parents were paying for the catering. I had covered the vast majority of other costs, including making my own gown from my own materials, supplying materials for the bridesmaids’ gowns (which my sisters made), buying and arranging my own flowers, and even supplying outfits for my younger siblings who served as ringbearers and flower girl. I had also paid for the invitations which were considerably more expensive because she chose different invitations than I wanted AND she added MANY people to the guest list!

As far as recommendations for you, I would suggest that you take this matter to a priest or someone who knows your situation and your family. It is a tough call to make, but after consultation with a priest I knew and trusted, I felt much better letting my college friends know that my parents had decided to cut back on the ever-growing guest list to allow for more family from out of town to attend. It wasn’t entirely the truth, but I felt I needed to give them some reason and an apology for not inviting them, especially since they had been planning to perform (as a classical string quartet) at the reception as a wedding gift.

Good luck with this and your other wedding planning! May God bless you!
 
Not to bash on your dad, but sometimes we just have to step up and be the bigger person. I come from a family of tit for tat and “they spent $10 so that’s all we are going to spend” and “they did this so we’ll do that”. What an awful way to go through life!

I try to use the Golden Rule in these situations. If someone hurts me, I try to show them love because I don’t want to be a hurtful person. Sometimes it’s really hard because I have a petty nature that I constantly fight.
 
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IlovemyChurch:
I am 22 and will be getting married next summer 2006. I’m a University student and still live at home (free of charge!)

I have a cousin on my father’s side of the family who is a few years older than me, and whom I have never met.

She got married last year (her marriage only lasted 3 months, before they divorced…) and although she invited her aunt (my dad’s sister), she invited neither her own father (my dad’s brother) nor my own mother & father.

Because of this my dad is banning me from inviting her to my wedding.

My question is…do I have to not invite her, just because my dad says so…?

I personally have nothing against her and wouldn’t mind at least inviting her. I mean, she IS my cousin and I would like a friendship with her!
Plus, who knows, maybe one day I will need a kidney transplant or something!

The cost of the wedding is being split three ways between my parents, my fiance and my future in-laws.

Do you think it would be rude and disrespectful of me to disobey my dad, and invite her…or should I just accept that his grudge…?

Thanks for any words of advice/wisdom…
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Now is a great time to learn this phrase “You may be right.” It will save you many hours of arguments, and I think every successful wife I know uses this phrase. It gives you time to really think things through. In this case your Dad is right and we have to honor our Parents. So, invite anyone your Dad wants you to, you will be glad you did.
 
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IlovemyChurch:
She got married last year (her marriage only lasted 3 months, before they divorced…) and although she invited her aunt (my dad’s sister), she invited neither her own father (my dad’s brother) nor my own mother & father.

Because of this my dad is banning me from inviting her to my wedding.

My question is…do I have to not invite her, just because my dad says so…?

…

The cost of the wedding is being split three ways between my parents, my fiance and my future in-laws.

Do you think it would be rude and disrespectful of me to disobey my dad, and invite her…?
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I would have to say YES, definitely.

It is clear that there is some sort of rift between her and your father that goes back before her wedding. Come on! Not only did she not invite your parents but she didn’t even invite her own father. Clearly something is going on and you might not have the details.

It is also clear that you are accepting his money to help finance your wedding. Are you seriously considering having him contribute financially to a wedding he won’t be able to enjoy because not only will this person be there but was invited by you over his objections??? This would be a tremendous slap in the face.

You are an adult and you will need to choose but here are a couple of options besides simply inviting her over his objections.

1: You can easily pursue a relationship with her after the wedding. There is no reason to force this event be the start of a relationship with someone you’ve never met.

2: You can approach your father and say that you really want to invite her and you accept it if, because of this, he chooses not to help finance your wedding. Be careful about this one, he may also choose not to even attend if she is there.
 
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theMutant:
I would have to say YES, definitely.

It is clear that there is some sort of rift between her and your father that goes back before her wedding. Come on! Not only did she not invite your parents but she didn’t even invite her own father. Clearly something is going on and you might not have the details.

It is also clear that you are accepting his money to help finance your wedding. Are you seriously considering having him contribute financially to a wedding he won’t be able to enjoy because not only will this person be there but was invited by you over his objections??? This would be a tremendous slap in the face.

You are an adult and you will need to choose but here are a couple of options besides simply inviting her over his objections.

1: You can easily pursue a relationship with her after the wedding. There is no reason to force this event be the start of a relationship with someone you’ve never met.

2: You can approach your father and say that you really want to invite her and you accept it if, because of this, he chooses not to help finance your wedding. Be careful about this one, he may also choose not to even attend if she is there.
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A third possibility is that you have a smaller ceremony that you can afford to pay for yourself. That way you have control over who you invite or not.

Like it or not, if your parents are footing the bill then they have a right to decide who to invite or not.
 
Why would you want to invite someone you’ve never met to your wedding, anyways? Is this your only cousin?

Listen to your father.
 
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IlovemyChurch:
I The cost of the wedding is being split three ways between my parents, my fiance and my future in-laws.

Do you think it would be rude and disrespectful of me to disobey my dad, and invite her…or should I just accept that his grudge…?

Thanks for any words of advice/wisdom…
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who is paying for the wedding expenses is immaterial, in etiquette, especially for a woman being married from her family home, it is her parents who are hosting the wedding and who do the inviting. The should in common courtesy consider those whom the groom’s family wishes to invite, and may consult the bride and groom about which of their personal friends to ask, but the final guest list is up to your parents.
 
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puzzleannie:
who is paying for the wedding expenses is immaterial, in etiquette, especially for a woman being married from her family home, it is her parents who are hosting the wedding and who do the inviting. The should in common courtesy consider those whom the groom’s family wishes to invite, and may consult the bride and groom about which of their personal friends to ask, but the final guest list is up to your parents.
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I don’t think that would fall under etiquette, but tradition. I also think that tradition is a little dated. My in-laws, like another poster, lived across the country. We invited (we paid, we invited) as many of their relatives as we could, but most of course couldn’t come. They did hold a small ceremony when we went out west for the honeymoon so more people could participate.

My point however is that this country is more mobile these days, and some of our traditions just don’t work, because we all don’t grow up in the same small town and stay there anymore. Of course, I can’t imagine any parents making an issue out of it anyway. But maybe I’m spoiled where all of my parents actually cared about what we wanted at our wedding.
 
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mvinca:
But maybe I’m spoiled where all of my parents actually cared about what we wanted at our wedding.
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I’d agree that’s a rarity these days. 🙂 Lucky you.
 
How important is it to you, and how important is it to your dad?

IMO, both of you need to come to a point when one says, “You know, I can understand where you’re coming from/how impt it is to you, so we’ll do it your way.”

That’s the only way to come a peaceful resolution. Don’t go behind his back to invite this cousin. Perhaps he has more reason than you know about…
 
Rebecca New:
Now is a great time to learn this phrase “You may be right.” It will save you many hours of arguments, and I think every successful wife I know uses this phrase. It gives you time to really think things through. In this case your Dad is right and we have to honor our Parents. So, invite anyone your Dad wants you to, you will be glad you did.
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What completely terrible and insulting advice.
 
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IlovemyChurch:
I have a cousin on my father’s side of the family who is a few years older than me, and whom I have never met.

Because of this my dad is banning me from inviting her to my wedding.

My question is…do I have to not invite her, just because my dad says so…?

The cost of the wedding is being split three ways between my parents, my fiance and my future in-laws.
Click to expand...
There are a couple of things going on here.

First, you have a cousin you’ve never even met, who did not invite you or your family to her wedding, but with whom now you have this sudden desire to build a friendship. Bad timing, and really quite odd. I think you’ve got wedding fever clouding your judgment. You do not have to invite everyone on the planet to your wedding. You should invite people you know and with whom you want to share a special day and have witness your Sacrament. Personally, I wouldn’t invite her on these grounds alone.

Second, you are experiencing growing pains with your father and are asking if you have to do something just because he tells you and also that he is ordering you to do things. This you should address separately from the context of the wedding. This is all about growing pains-- you growing up and Dad letting go. Dad has to learn a new dynamic with you. He will always be your father, but he must learn that you do not treat adult children the same way you do 7 year old children. Orders and ultimatums are not adult behavior.

I would discuss not the content but the way it was handled. His feuds are not necessarily your feuds, and his ideas are not necessarily your ideas. And, you need to settle this before you are married. He has to respect that adult children can have (name removed by moderator)ut, ideas, and decisions that are different from their parents and that this is OK. And, that he lacks authority to direct your behavior in all situations.

Certainly that he is paying has an impact, but it is not license to be an autocrat. You could always pay for the wedding yourself and invite whomever you want. But this will not do great things for your relationship with your dad-- nor will it change the dynamic between you and help it move to an adult-adult relationship.
 
He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Decide whether or not you want your Cousins at the wedding more than you want your parents financial contribution toward the cost of the wedding.

Then live with whatever you decide.
 
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BillP:
He who pays the piper calls the tune.

Decide whether or not you want your Cousins at the wedding more than you want your parents financial contribution toward the cost of the wedding.

Then live with whatever you decide.
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this is true… also try seeing this from his angle… maybe there is a reason why… good luck

Laura 😛
 
Invite a cousin you have never met or respect your parents wishes and don’t invite the cousin. The cousin did not invite you to her wedding, but you really want to invite her to yours against you Dad’s wishes.

Why are you even considering this? Why are you wanting to anger your Dad over someone you have never met? Why is it more important to meet this cousin than respect your Dad’s wishes?

I truly do not understand your dilemma here.

It’s not like your Dad told you not to invite your best friend. It is a relative you have never met.

If you wanted to ask for an explanation, I think that would be okay, but to just invite this cousin against your Dad’s wishes is very disrespectful.

You might need to rethink whether or not you are mature enough to get married if you are having such a knee jerk rebellious reaction to your fathers wishes. Because from what you have described and the word choices you have used either:

a) your Dad doesn’t treat you like an adult when he “banns” a person from your wedding instead of asking and explaining

b) or you are still caught up in rebelling against your parents that you see his wishes as orders instead of requests.

Either way, I’d say you may have some serious growing up to do if you want your marriage to succeed. When people close to us don’t treat us in an adult manner, it is sometimes hard to act that way also. Your reaction to his treatment is an example.

I’d start by asking your father for an explanation of why.
 
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1ke:
What completely terrible and insulting advice.
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Actually, I think I just heard this on Dr. Phil! Paraphrasing, he states that at some point you have the weigh the costs of being right with that of the closeness of the family. Basically, sometimes you maybe right, but being right has its costs. One needs to weigh the cost of feeling right with that of the relationship with the father.
 
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ProudArmyWife:
Actually, I think I just heard this on Dr. Phil! Paraphrasing, he states that at some point you have the weigh the costs of being right with that of the closeness of the family. Basically, sometimes you maybe right, but being right has its costs. One needs to weigh the cost of feeling right with that of the relationship with the father.
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I think that in this instance this is very good advice. In other instances it might be better to risk the relationship with your family if the problems are severe enough. In this case though, the young woman does not really know this cousin and hasn’t told us why she wants to. I bet the cousin doesn’t even expect to be invited and would probably refuse. This isn’t a something worth risking the relationship with her father over.

If it is that important to meet this cousin then perhaps the OP could get together with the cousin after the wedding.
 
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ProudArmyWife:
Actually, I think I just heard this on Dr. Phil! Paraphrasing, he states that at some point you have the weigh the costs of being right with that of the closeness of the family. Basically, sometimes you maybe right, but being right has its costs. One needs to weigh the cost of feeling right with that of the relationship with the father.
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Dr. Phil is a New Age hack who supports Planned Parenthood and graphic sex ed in schools. I don’t really listen to much he says.

I was not implying that one must always be right at any cost. I think the way that particular comment was phrased and that “all successful wives” learn this phrase was just offensive. It implies that husbands cannot be talked to logically when you have valid points and that wives should just smile and agree and not share their opinions. Maybe it wasn’t really meant that way, but it sure came across that way.
 
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