My darling daughter

[Greenfields]

sigh I have a lovely 18 yr old daughter I’ve tried my best to to raise a happy Catholic on my own .I’ve tried so hard to teach her about God’s love for her, Our Lady’s loving intercession, our friends the Saints and her Guardian Angel .For some reason ,unlike the other three children,she (from very little)felt a fear that out weighed the love .The image of Jesus on the cross,hell and purgatory the thought of death,these stood out for her.
The day she turned 18 she stopped going to mass and I’ve found preg’ tests in her room
I feel heart broken that she doesn’t come to mass with us,and that my 16 yr old daughter says she will only go to confession when her sister does.
I don’t want to push my 18 year old away at all …I want to be here for her anytime .She stays at her boyfriend’s parents home( rather than bring him here )off and on during the week( we had a disagreement about him having the spare bed in her room) She has denied sleeping with him.
I just feel at a loss as to what to say and do ,any advice would be appreciated and of course prayers please!!

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

What you are going through, is exactly what I have been going through with step daughter ,
What ever happened to going ten pin Bowling with a group ?
Why bring a boy home for the first time, then vanish to the bedroom ??!
Sadly , not much you can do, just keep communication channels open ,.
It’s very sad & frustrating ,.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your daughter guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in her time of need.

 

[7_Sorrows]

She is at the age many young people are at when they leave the church. She is trying out her new independence as she is preparing to leave her teens and entering adulthood. Just be there for her and let her know she might be 18, but you invested a lot of care to get her to that point in her life and she is still your daughter who you love and you care about the decisions she makes.
The next 8 years will be defining.

 

[Irishmom2]

Going out on a limb here, but at 18, if she is living in your home, she needs to follow the house rules, or she needs to move out and support herself. She should not be allowed to stay at her boyfriends house and then come home when she feels like it. She is setting a bad example for your 16 year old, who also appears to be influenced by her sister in that she thinks she can call the shots of what she will and will not do.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Sorry for your situation. Sometimes you do everything you can and the kids still make some bad choices, I know I did at that age. There is always hope though. I’ll say a prayer for her.

That said, she is an adult now. She’s using your place as a crash pad in-between visits to the boyfriends place, where yes, she is having sex with him (but you know that already). It’s time for tough love, just as it would be if she was using drugs. By letting this continue you are tacitly approving of her actions, and setting a bad example for your other child(ren). It’s time for her to move out. If she doesn’t like that option for lack of money/job, my requirements for her to continue to live at home would include mandatory church attendance and no more sleepovers (at the boyfriend’s place or yours). That’s my two cents. Good luck.

 

[Greenfields]

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts/advice.
As I have said she is staying over at her boy friends parents house,not with him alone.
I have spoken with my daughter on what I accidentally found, and she said they weren’t hers.
An older friend of hers stayed a month with us recently ( mother has mental illness) and she shared her room leaving plenty of belongings still to be collected,and my daughter said the items were hers. I learned later that girl had been intimate with her boyfriend.
My daughter said no she herself doesn’t believe in God , and she’s not sleeping with her boyfriend.

I would not move my daughter out on suspicion and she is always welcome here even if something were happening away from home.One of my siblings left the faith, anger on both sides and so sad to see.
I guess I needed to hear I'm not alone in experiencing and perhaps some guidance on how to approach talking with her. God bless

 

[Mummsie]

When my daughter was 21, engaged, working, and still living at home, she thought she could set her own rules. One morning at 5 am, I realized she wasn’t home yet. I waited for her to come in. We then had a little talk. I explained that she deserved her freedom and she needed to get her own place. She cried and carried on about how she didn’t want her freedom. She moved out with a grudge. I truly believe she needed time on her own to be free to make her own decisions. She did re-consider her engagement during that time; but, decided to go through with it. She’s now been married 20 years and we are very close. I’m very grateful for our friendship now and for the wonderful mother she is.

Hope this helps.

God Bless You.

 

[ynotzap]

sigh I have a lovely 18 yr old daughter I’ve tried my best to to raise a happy Catholic on my own .I’ve tried so hard to teach her about God’s love for her, Our Lady’s loving intercession, our friends the Saints and her Guardian Angel .For some reason ,unlike the other three children,she (from very little)felt a fear that out weighed the love .The image of Jesus on the cross,hell and purgatory the thought of death,these stood out for her.
The day she turned 18 she stopped going to mass and I’ve found preg’ tests in her room
I feel heart broken that she doesn’t come to mass with us,and that my 16 yr old daughter says she will only go to confession when her sister does.
I don’t want to push my 18 year old away at all …I want to be here for her anytime .She stays at her boyfriend’s parents home( rather than bring him here )off and on during the week( we had a disagreement about him having the spare bed in her room) She has denied sleeping with him.
I just feel at a loss as to what to say and do ,any advice would be appreciated and of course prayers please!!

 

[ynotzap]

sigh I have a lovely 18 yr old daughter I’ve tried my best to to raise a happy Catholic on my own .I’ve tried so hard to teach her about God’s love for her, Our Lady’s loving intercession, our friends the Saints and her Guardian Angel .For some reason ,unlike the other three children,she (from very little)felt a fear that out weighed the love .The image of Jesus on the cross,hell and purgatory the thought of death,these stood out for her.
The day she turned 18 she stopped going to mass and I’ve found preg’ tests in her room
I feel heart broken that she doesn’t come to mass with us,and that my 16 yr old daughter says she will only go to confession when her sister does.
I don’t want to push my 18 year old away at all …I want to be here for her anytime .She stays at her boyfriend’s parents home( rather than bring him here )off and on during the week( we had a disagreement about him having the spare bed in her room) She has denied sleeping with him.
I just feel at a loss as to what to say and do ,any advice would be appreciated and of course prayers please!!

We take many things for granted in our Faith. We do all we can to incorporate the Faith into the lives of our children only to find that it didn’t take. Through a lot of painful experience, and enlightenment I learned that you can not pass on the Faith, you can pass on the truths of the Faith. Faith is a supernatural gift from God, through Jesus Christ, and it takes an encounter with Jesus to receive it. It takes a turning from sin and a turning to Jesus who endows the person with the Holy Spirit. In a real sense, the Holy Spirit received in baptism is released in the life of the person. Jesus is the key. We have processed our children, but they remain unconverted. So they experience puberty and all the illusions of love the world presents to them and they fall into the trap. Did you ever try to stop a person who thought they were in love, knowing that it was a bad situation, and wrong for them? It is a common experience among loving parents. Sometimes you have to let them go and make their serious mistakes, and I am speaking from experience. When they hit the impregnable wall of experience and human corruption and experience the humbling pain of failure, then the unconditional love the parents have for their children will bear fruit, especially with petition to God in prayer. Remember Satan and evil or fallen angels are real and have power over us and our children, they take advantage of our weakness. With naive youth, and concupiscence and without the grace of God, they don’t have a chance, and we can’t help them directly, except through prayer, and evangelization. My own daughter had to suffer two years of unhappiness and abuse to realize that we were telling her the truth which she rejected. When parents tell their children about Christ and his teachings they act as prophets to their children, and what they say will happen when they out of love try to guide their children in their spiritual lives. It is painful to everyone, and the world certainly doesn’t help. Perseverance, and unconditional love, with the help of God’s grace I have found to be the answer for parents, always doing our best to "evangelize our children.

 

[WillyAL]

Going out on a limb here, but at 18, if she is living in your home, she needs to follow the house rules, or she needs to move out and support herself.

Maybe you missed this part:

I don’t want to push my 18 year old away at all …I want to be here for her anytime.

Most 18 year olds lack the skills to make it on their own. Throwing her out of the house would be like throwing her to the wolves. There are lots of low-lifes out there just waiting to take advantage of a girl in that situation. That’s a mighty big risk to take just so you could flex your parental muscles with a “my way or the highway” ultimatum.

 

[Irishmom2]

Maybe you missed this part:

Most 18 year olds lack the skills to make it on their own. Throwing her out of the house would be like throwing her to the wolves. There are lots of low-lifes out there just waiting to take advantage of a girl in that situation. That’s a mighty big risk to take just so you could flex your parental muscles with a “my way or the highway” ultimatum.

What I missed is your solution. All I saw was your sarcasm.

I guess the daughter should just be allowed to do whatever she pleases in your world.

 

[WillyAL]

I guess the daughter should just be allowed to do whatever she pleases in your world.

In my world the daughter would be aware of my disapproval and my concern for her well being. I, on the other hand, would be aware of the fact that there are some things a parent just cannot control as their children approach adulthood, and that trying to do so using heavy handed methods can cause way more harm than the behavior you are trying to correct.

 

[pianistclare]

In my world the daughter would be aware of my disapproval and my concern for her well being. I, on the other hand, would be aware of the fact that there are some things a parent just cannot control as their children approach adulthood, and that trying to do so using heavy handed methods can cause way more harm than the behavior you are trying to correct.

It’s not heavy handed to have expectations and morals.
A child who was raised in a Catholic household surely knows right from wrong.
A parent has every right to expect a child no matter what the age to respect them , follow their preferences and rules of the home, and have some self-respect while they are at it.
If there are pregnancy tests, then the girl knows she has messed up.
Likely she has no desire to become a mother.
NOW is the time for mom to step in and offer her guidance, counseling, love and forgiveness so that this girl doesn’t bring home several out of wedlock children for mom to raise in the future.
it
s never heavy handed to act like a parent and not a tolerant “friend”.

**OP, I’m praying for your to have wisdom, strength, and the open heart and ears of both your daughters.
God bless. **

 

[Brianmcg321]

Going out on a limb here, but at 18, if she is living in your home, she needs to follow the house rules, or she needs to move out and support herself. She should not be allowed to stay at her boyfriends house and then come home when she feels like it. She is setting a bad example for your 16 year old, who also appears to be influenced by her sister in that she thinks she can call the shots of what she will and will not do.

Absolutely. If she wants to play house, she can get her own place.

 

[Anglewannabe]

As I have said she is staying over at her boy friends parents house,not with him alone.

Did you talk to the boyfriends parents and bluntly asked if they were sharing a bed? And if the parents said ‘NO’, do you trust they are being truthful? Often the boys parents are a lot more lenient since it is not their kid that will get pregnant

I have spoken with my daughter on what I accidentally found, and she said they weren’t hers.

All kids say that and 99.9% of the time it is a lie

   I guess I needed to hear I'm not alone in experiencing and perhaps some guidance on how to approach  talking with her. God bless

I am positive you are not alone even though I have not had kids. However, I have been a kid and talk is pretty useless unless there are consequences. First determine the consequences you are comfortable truly enforcing (and several posters have offered good ideas) and only talk with your daughter once your mind is made up to enforce some rules