My daughter is being incredibly frustrating!

[1lucy1]

my 16 year old daughter. She’s being very mischievous.

Wants to wear a lot of makeup (i only allow concealer and lip balm)= saves and buys her own, when I take them away, she shouts and screams and says that I am stealing her things. But I don’t know what else to do. If I leave them, she will think she can get away with stuff

She also dress quite immodestly, and will have a fit if I tell her to change into something gently, even when I nicely teach her about modesty. She will just throw a tantrum and tell me that boys won’t be attracted to her even if she shove her breasts at their face she also says that modest clothing usually doesn’t look nice/suit her, and the ones that do are usually made for cold weather.

She believes in God, but she doesn’t like the church, she finds god a little sexist (the childish cry of: why women are at a disadvantage!! I never asked for periods). she is not a fan of being a girl, which I kind of understand as I have been there when I was younger, but her rants are kind of annoying. Talks about how she hates that women’s worth equates to her fertility. I tried to tell her that it’s not true, but I guess she has seen or heard of people that believes that.

She mixes around with more boys than girls, which I’m a little worried about, since she is known to be quite insecure (I got a call from a teacher once, she hid in the bathroom during picture day, you know, where a professional photographer will come in and take a class picture…she also was caught wearing ‘natural’ makeup’ in school even though they don’t allow makeup). She is in a girls’ school, her male friends are usually her friend’s boyfriend’s group of friends. Ugh. Tried talking about it, but she doesn’t like to talk to me about anything, besides asking me for money.

She studies hard and gets decent grades, but that’s like the only thing I’m proud of. I feel like a terrible mom but it’s true.

When she is not showing attitude to her siblings (one younger sister, one older brother. although she gets along with her brother usually), she will lock herself up in her room. She would even eat her meals there. would avoid spending time with the family. She does talk about tv shows with her brother sometimes, which is better than nothing. Both are interested in Marvel and DC (batman, avengers, etc). But other that that

Been trying to get her to behave. Need advice

 

[Lea101]

I am quite similar to your daughter I eat meals in my room. Will usually put on an episode of a show on my computer and eat. Or if I’m in my room, I’m probably just lying on my bed and scrolling through twitter.

She could be an introvert, I find my room a safe place (not in the SJW sense, but a place where nobody could annoy me/talk to me).

As for the makeup…I would be pretty angry if somebody were to take mine away. Cosmetics are expensive! You could change your stance, maybe allow a few more products? As long as she removes her makeup carefully and takes care of her skin, she should be fine, if that’s your concern.

my previous school didn’t allow makeup but I got away with it

For the other stuff, I don’t know how to help I can quite relate to the modesty issue (tried googling modest outfits a while back, all I get was Christian moms wearing unflattering clothes). Which is why I tend to stick to jeans and t shirts, with the occasion ‘casual’ dress (hm.com/sg/product/50589?article=50589-D <–stuff like this, lol. since I’m short, it is slightly above my knees) So I’m sure there is some stuff she might like. But what is your standards for modesty? For all we know, some of her clothes are modest enough but you might have a different idea on it

I hate being photographed and I avoid it too. As a mom, I don’t think you can help with that. While I love my mom, I brushed off her “you look fine” speeches, because hey, a speech isn’t going to change my face! It could be something she grows out of, I have friends who are like that but now their instagram are FULL of selfies.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I think you need to pick your battles. A lot of girls wear makeup at this age and modest clothing can be very frumpy and unflattening. Could you compromise, if they wear a short skirt they wear it with a high necked shirt, if they wear a low neck shirt it’s with a longer skirt or jeans. It’s probably just a phase, everyone I know has a “what was I thinking” teenage photo or old outfit. Same with the make up, I definitely wear less as an adult and haven’t worn neon eye shadow since.

A lot of people struggle with a woman’s worth being linked to fertility, I’m a married potentially infertile woman and I feel it all the time in church. It’s important to challenge this without invalidating her feelings as they are shared by plenty of women in the Catholic Church.

The fact that she does well in school is a really good sign, does she hope to go to college? Looking back at my teen years the people that had a goal like that tended to stay on the rails even if there was some bad behaviour in the meantime. I am sure a lot of this will pass.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

my 16 year old daughter. She’s being very mischievous.

Wants to wear a lot of makeup (i only allow concealer and lip balm)= saves and buys her own, when I take them away, she shouts and screams and says that I am stealing her things. But I don’t know what else to do. If I leave them, she will think she can get away with stuff

She also dress quite immodestly, and will have a fit if I tell her to change into something gently, even when I nicely teach her about modesty. She will just throw a tantrum and tell me that boys won’t be attracted to her even if she shove her breasts at their face she also says that modest clothing usually doesn’t look nice/suit her, and the ones that do are usually made for cold weather.

She believes in God, but she doesn’t like the church, she finds god a little sexist (the childish cry of: why women are at a disadvantage!! I never asked for periods). she is not a fan of being a girl, which I kind of understand as I have been there when I was younger, but her rants are kind of annoying. Talks about how she hates that women’s worth equates to her fertility. I tried to tell her that it’s not true, but I guess she has seen or heard of people that believes that.

She mixes around with more boys than girls, which I’m a little worried about, since she is known to be quite insecure (I got a call from a teacher once, she hid in the bathroom during picture day, you know, where a professional photographer will come in and take a class picture…she also was caught wearing ‘natural’ makeup’ in school even though they don’t allow makeup). She is in a girls’ school, her male friends are usually her friend’s boyfriend’s group of friends. Ugh. Tried talking about it, but she doesn’t like to talk to me about anything, besides asking me for money.

She studies hard and gets decent grades, but that’s like the only thing I’m proud of. I feel like a terrible mom but it’s true.

When she is not showing attitude to her siblings (one younger sister, one older brother. although she gets along with her brother usually), she will lock herself up in her room. She would even eat her meals there. would avoid spending time with the family. She does talk about tv shows with her brother sometimes, which is better than nothing. Both are interested in Marvel and DC (batman, avengers, etc). But other that that

Been trying to get her to behave. Need advice

Is her father active in her life?

 

[1lucy1]

Is her father active in her life?

I don’t know if active is the right word. He disciplines her (eg not allowing her to go out with her friends until she finishes her chores, etc), she does talk to him a couple of times, stuff like what she have learnt, or what’s going on in the news, but they are not close in the sense that she wouldn’t talk about personal stuff to him.
He does try to talk, but she is the one that dislikes talking to people. I don’t know if she has a jealousy problem (younger sister gets the spotlight quite often-she is pretty and can draw really well, gets praised for both often by others, dad is also quite fond of her)

 

[1lucy1]

I think you need to pick your battles. A lot of girls wear makeup at this age and modest clothing can be very frumpy and unflattening. Could you compromise, if they wear a short skirt they wear it with a high necked shirt, if they wear a low neck shirt it’s with a longer skirt or jeans. It’s probably just a phase, everyone I know has a “what was I thinking” teenage photo or old outfit. Same with the make up, I definitely wear less as an adult and haven’t worn neon eye shadow since.

A lot of people struggle with a woman’s worth being linked to fertility, I’m a married potentially infertile woman and I feel it all the time in church. It’s important to challenge this without invalidating her feelings as they are shared by plenty of women in the Catholic Church.

The fact that she does well in school is a really good sign, does she hope to go to college? Looking back at my teen years the people that had a goal like that tended to stay on the rails even if there was some bad behaviour in the meantime. I am sure a lot of this will pass.

she does wear makeup well (she keeps watching tutorials, which I guess helps feed her obsession). It’s just that I feel that she’s too young to be doing that. School doesn’t allow makeup, anyway.

I don’t think we can afford college but I’m pretty sure she’s planning to go. She once said that she is interested in psychology or medicine when she was younger (can’t remember, but healthcare related). I think she’s planning to earn a scholarship, because she’s quite hard on herself (her idea of a difficult paper is when she gets a B for it). Sometimes I feel like she resents us because we cannot afford for her to slack off a little like other kids. Could be my imagination, though…

Thanks for the advice, I’ll try to compromise

 

[1lucy1]

I am quite similar to your daughter I eat meals in my room. Will usually put on an episode of a show on my computer and eat. Or if I’m in my room, I’m probably just lying on my bed and scrolling through twitter.

She could be an introvert, I find my room a safe place (not in the SJW sense, but a place where nobody could annoy me/talk to me).

As for the makeup…I would be pretty angry if somebody were to take mine away. Cosmetics are expensive! You could change your stance, maybe allow a few more products? As long as she removes her makeup carefully and takes care of her skin, she should be fine, if that’s your concern.

my previous school didn’t allow makeup but I got away with it

For the other stuff, I don’t know how to help I can quite relate to the modesty issue (tried googling modest outfits a while back, all I get was Christian moms wearing unflattering clothes). Which is why I tend to stick to jeans and t shirts, with the occasion ‘casual’ dress (hm.com/sg/product/50589?article=50589-D <–stuff like this, lol. since I’m short, it is slightly above my knees) So I’m sure there is some stuff she might like. But what is your standards for modesty? For all we know, some of her clothes are modest enough but you might have a different idea on it

I hate being photographed and I avoid it too. As a mom, I don’t think you can help with that. While I love my mom, I brushed off her “you look fine” speeches, because hey, a speech isn’t going to change my face! It could be something she grows out of, I have friends who are like that but now their instagram are FULL of selfies.

I notice you are from Singapore. We’re from there too

My standards for modesty is not that crazy. It’s more of ‘i know it’s immodest when I see it’. She likes to wear short denim shorts and tight t shirts. Sometimes she wears crop tops, backless tops, cleavage, etc. And she spends times with guys. I can’t help but be worried when that happens. Teenage guys aren’t really saints when it comes to stuff like this. I don’t want them to think she is cheap.

 

[Lea101]

I notice you are from Singapore. We’re from there too

My standards for modesty is not that crazy. It’s more of ‘i know it’s immodest when I see it’. She likes to wear short denim shorts and tight t shirts. Sometimes she wears crop tops, backless tops, cleavage, etc. And she spends times with guys. I can’t help but be worried when that happens. Teenage guys aren’t really saints when it comes to stuff like this. I don’t want them to think she is cheap.

oh hello fellow singaporean

So basically now I understand your daughter even more after reading these posts.
If she is 16, she is in Secondary 4, right? And secondary schools have uniforms and no makeup. Which is probably why your daughter wants to dress up when she gets the chance to. It’s probably just a phase

And for university…I’m depending on a scholarship, that’s my only hope and my grades aren’t good enough atm. So I do understand if she resents you for it. But ultimately, there’s nothing both of you can do. She will have to just work hard and pray.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I don’t know if active is the right word. He disciplines her (eg not allowing her to go out with her friends until she finishes her chores, etc), she does talk to him a couple of times, stuff like what she have learnt, or what’s going on in the news, but they are not close in the sense that she wouldn’t talk about personal stuff to him.
He does try to talk, but she is the one that dislikes talking to people. I don’t know if she has a jealousy problem (younger sister gets the spotlight quite often-she is pretty and can draw really well, gets praised for both often by others, dad is also quite fond of her)

A father can be incredibly instrumental to a sixteen year old who is testing boundaries.

 

[1lucy1]

A father can be incredibly instrumental to a sixteen year old who is testing boundaries.

Any advice on what dad should do? My husband really makes an effort.

I remember an incident where he asked if she could come along with him to buy us dinner. She looked willing but then my other dd just had to beg to come along. Then my daughter snapped back into the quiet brooding girl she is :whacky:

 

[Lou2U]

Any advice on what dad should do? My husband really makes an effort.

I remember an incident where he asked if she could come along with him to buy us dinner. She looked willing but then my other dd just had to beg to come along. Then my daughter snapped back into the quiet brooding girl she is :whacky:

I think he should take her out one and one, and really talk to her. Not just about school, but about her friends and what music and books she likes, and why she likes them. It might take a bit of time, but it sounds like that’s what she wants. It might be good for you and her to do this as well, so she gets to see there’s more to you then just telling to to take off her make up/change her clothes etc. A lot of her behaviour just sounds like her being a typical teenager, to be honest. As another poster said, pick your battles and try not to make a big deal out of things. Always do your best to see the good on her, and try not to focus on the negatives.

Lou

 

[Isca]

I can’t see that wearing a little make-up out of school is wrong for a young woman of 16. I do understand that you don’t want to see her covered in it, but it’s fairly innocent IMO.

Maybe if you gave her a little latitude on that, she’d feel more grown-up and would respond more positively? Especially if you frame it as “we are allowing you to do this because you’re 16, but your sister won’t be able to wear make-up until she’s also 16.”

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Reading what you had to say about your Daughter was like reading about my step daughter
I raised 3. Sons , had no problems , then step Daughter came on the scene age 5 ,
Now 20 , well she was more Drama than my 3 put together,plus friends of my boys that spent many weekends with my boys,so I know what your saying,
She never had one ounce of fashion sense , had the worst friends you could hope for,
Locked herself in her room with a boy,when I protested,she simply would dissapear with one, and all this started at 13 ,drove us crazy,all you can do,is Hang on for the ride,
Just be civil,never be to confrontational , invite her to the movies, anything,
You will of course be rejected at every turn,
Hopefully she will come good,step daughter still colours her hair Orange then red then green then blond then Blue,it might all fall out one day,
At least she has a job,as a carer to handicap kids,makes more money than I do ,
Still drives me crazy, you are Not alone

 

[Elena321]

I also agree with all the other posters.
It sounds like your daughter may be feeling insecure/low self esteem about her appearance.
In an instance where this wasn’t the case,then it would seem reasonable to say no makeup at 16,but in your daughters situation it will just make life even harder for her and probably draw her more inward/away from her family.
I don’t see the harm,in her circumstances, to let her wear some makeup if it makes her feel better about herself.
Modesty needs to be balanced with feeling ok about herself in the world.
At the same time,I also second the suggestion that her father spend more one on one time with your daughter on her own.
This time should be used to get to know his daughters feelings etc and not used to do “superficial” things like movies,or bowling etc.
A stronger relationship with her father that isn’t just based on disciplining or superficial talk may help her to feel more self worth and not need to get the attention of some other guys.
Also,it would help your daughter if you and your husband never compliment/focus on her sisters pretty looks and tell them both that other people who place value on prettiness are wrong and that you & her dad don’t value external appearances and love them equally.

Right now your daughter probably perceives you as totally out of touch and not understanding so it may take a bit of time for her to trust you but you could try asking her about her feelings and where she’s receiving these messages about the importance of beauty (eg:is it from mum or dad or people at school) etc but try not to say to her something “cheesy” but instead just listen to her feelings.

 

[pensmama87]

It’s hard at 16, but I would say the focus should be on building the relationship, not just about getting her to comply with your wishes. For most children and even teens, if they are securely attached to you, they will value your (name removed by moderator)ut and find it easier to believe you want what’s best for them.

I’d say less time with peers (who’s she’s getting her cues from) and more time with family - but make it GOOD time, not just punitive.

I also think, if she does well with makeup, you can be more lenient on it as long as she’s abiding by school rules. Do you wear it? Could she teach you how?

 

[1lucy1]

It’s hard at 16, but I would say the focus should be on building the relationship, not just about getting her to comply with your wishes. For most children and even teens, if they are securely attached to you, they will value your (name removed by moderator)ut and find it easier to believe you want what’s best for them.

I’d say less time with peers (who’s she’s getting her cues from) and more time with family - but make it GOOD time, not just punitive.

I also think, if she does well with makeup, you can be more lenient on it as long as she’s abiding by school rules. Do you wear it? Could she teach you how?

I try spending quality time with her. But she always shoots it down. I feel as if we have hurt her, but we don’t know what. You get what I mean? She’s either silent or angry. And I hate both

Yes, I’m quite good at makeup and I do allow her to play around with mine at home or family functions if she wants. And then concealer and chapstick for school or church (sch has no makeup policy) But I can feel my blood pressure rising when she leaves the house with bright red lips and eyeliner to meet her friends. Especially in short shorts and a low cut top I just get paranoid.

 

[pensmama87]

I try spending quality time with her. But she always shoots it down. I feel as if we have hurt her, but we don’t know what. You get what I mean? She’s either silent or angry. And I hate both

Yes, I’m quite good at makeup and I do allow her to play around with mine at home or family functions if she wants. And then concealer and chapstick for school or church (sch has no makeup policy) But I can feel my blood pressure rising when she leaves the house with bright red lips and eyeliner to meet her friends. Especially in short shorts and a low cut top I just get paranoid.

That must be very hard.

I get the sense that you kind of think it’s inevitable. It’s not right for her to be disrespectful of you. It’s not paranoia to see the danger in your daughter playing “grown-up.” You’re allowed to tell her no, you’re allowed to tell her, “Today/this afternoon/ etc is for family.” Of course she will test you if it’s new. But even older teens who act out are frequently looking for security.

Hold Onto Your Kids is a great resource for this and the dangers of “peer culture.” It sounds like that’s where your daughter is getting her cues.

 

[1lucy1]

I also agree with all the other posters.
It sounds like your daughter may be feeling insecure/low self esteem about her appearance.
In an instance where this wasn’t the case,then it would seem reasonable to say no makeup at 16,but in your daughters situation it will just make life even harder for her and probably draw her more inward/away from her family.
I don’t see the harm,in her circumstances, to let her wear some makeup if it makes her feel better about herself.
Modesty needs to be balanced with feeling ok about herself in the world.
At the same time,I also second the suggestion that her father spend more one on one time with your daughter on her own.
This time should be used to get to know his daughters feelings etc and not used to do “superficial” things like movies,or bowling etc.
A stronger relationship with her father that isn’t just based on disciplining or superficial talk may help her to feel more self worth and not need to get the attention of some other guys.
Also,it would help your daughter if you and your husband never compliment/focus on her sisters pretty looks and tell them both that other people who place value on prettiness are wrong and that you & her dad don’t value external appearances and love them equally.

Right now your daughter probably perceives you as totally out of touch and not understanding so it may take a bit of time for her to trust you but you could try asking her about her feelings and where she’s receiving these messages about the importance of beauty (eg:is it from mum or dad or people at school) etc but try not to say to her something “cheesy” but instead just listen to her feelings.

she probably noticed how people treat her differently from others. I mean, it’s not uncommon to hear comments about beauty and ‘cuteness’ from others. But IMO relatives and sometimes dad are at fault. They will usually gush over my other daughter’s looks and then will look at my daughter and say stuff like “you grew taller”.

She isn’t conventionally pretty, don’t attack me, it’s true. I don’t know how I can get her to get over it, because I know personally that it’s not really something you shrug off…I have tried talking to her about it a year ago, that we love her equally and all. She said that I said that because I am obligated to. She’s really confusing. She says stuff like this, but when we try to include her, she gets moody and grumpy. It’s like she’s having her period 24/7

even Dad is annoyed with her now. I’ve just talked to him about it, told me that he doesn’t want to spend a day with a grumpy girl :crying:

 

[Allegra]

I notice you are from Singapore. We’re from there too

My standards for modesty is not that crazy. It’s more of ‘i know it’s immodest when I see it’. She likes to wear short denim shorts and tight t shirts. Sometimes she wears crop tops, backless tops, cleavage, etc. And she spends times with guys. I can’t help but be worried when that happens. Teenage guys aren’t really saints when it comes to stuff like this. I don’t want them to think she is cheap.

Where is she getting the clothing from?

 

[1lucy1]

Where is she getting the clothing from?

I’m guessing she uses her allowance to get them, noticed her losing some weight. her friends could be giving her money or clothes. i don’t really know. some of her clothes are from when she’s smaller. so now that she’s taller and ‘developed’, they look small on her