...my desire for the Eucharist is all I am holding onto right now

[Neophyte_Rose]

I have absolutely no idea where I can post this… the apologetic forums didn’t seem right, neither do the prayer request forums or the family life forums or this one, either, really… but I am most comfortable here, so … please forgive me if this is wrong and direct me where to go…

Sometimes I have to wonder if I haven’t just gone crazy.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe. I am Catholic and I always will be; I will not turn away, I will not abandon God in my will even if my passions insist on thus abandoning me.

Still sometimes I feel like it’s breaking me, literally.

I step out of doors, and it is as if the whole world is screaming at me to… explore my potential for magick, for Wicca and the Craft. Maybe this is why the Bible says “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, maybe it’s because once one has tasted that power, the beauty of it, she really can’t be saved from it completely – ever.

Maybe I’ll just never really be at peace with this; except for during the MASS, or Eucharistic Adoration, or for some reason when I say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, all of my passions seem to desire magick as I once had.

My passions desire astral projection, to enter into my sacred space in my soul and meditate upon it again as I once did. My passions desire runes and tarot cards, to explore the art of divination further and to know what to expect will happen so that I might alter it.

My passions desire to praise the moon for her resplendent glory, her beauty as she represents the Queen of all goddesses in her sphere. My passions desire to touch the waters of the lake, to worship the water and receive power from it. My passions desire to light a fire, and dance around it with a circle of pagans, to worship the dancing flames and imitate them with my body as I feel their power course through me again.

There is so much that I desire. To feel the cycle of seasons and tune myself in with it again; to stand an egg up at the Equinox and be still in the one moment of perfect earthly balance; to meditate on yin and yang, dark and light, and rejoice in the mystery of it.

To stand at the Yule fires and step forward when her turn comes, to sense oneness with the maiden goddess, the young girl before motherhood besets upon her.

To dress in the robes of white at a ritual and enjoy the good cheer as Holly King defeats Oak King, and the year Wheel turns again towards spring.

To kneel in prayer and guide gone-by spirits on the night of Saimhain, and then join in a night of rejoicing and leave out offerings to souls as they travel unto the next realm.

My passions desire it to be real, and I have seen that it is. I have SEEN these things work!!! So why, why oh why oh why is it that I don’t give them my heart and soul anymore? How did I ever come to the conclusion that they were evil or wrong?

What is wrong with me? Why do I desire a little piece of bread so desperately each and every day? Why does it seem hard to wait all the way to tomorrow to receive the Eucharist again? How did I come to believe that this is really Christ, really Jesus, really God physically present in the Eucharist? Have I gone insane?

I feel like, I am away at a Catholic school building a foundation for my Catholic faith. And I truly do believe. I do. Whenever I’m near the Eucharist, my doubts flee.

But I can’t spend the rest of my life beside the tabernacle, or in a chapel!

I feel like the foundation I am building is crumbling, not because there is anything wrong with the tools I am using of the base I am on – it is Jesus, it is his Church that holds me, and I will not be washed away. But my foundation is crumbling as I build it because there is a poisonous mould, or ants that eat away at the wood. Wood ants.

I am hurting. I am going to go and pray now. Please pray for me, and if anyone can help to convince me of why… paganism is …evil… please – help!

Pax Christi,
(and I’m desperate for some of His peace right now!)
Esther Rose

 

[THurifer2]

**Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in proelio; contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium. Imperat illi Deus; supplices deprecamur: tuque, Princeps militiae coelestis, Satanam aliosque spiritus malignos, qui ad perditionem animarum pervagantur in mundo, divina virtute in infernum detrude. Amen **

 

[THurifer2]

My passions desire to praise the moon for her resplendent glory, her beauty as she represents the Queen of all goddesses in her sphere. My passions desire to touch the waters of the lake, to worship the water and receive power from it. My passions desire to light a fire, and dance around it with a circle of pagans, to worship the dancing flames and imitate them with my body as I feel their power course through me again.

There is so much that I desire. To feel the cycle of seasons and tune myself in with it again; to stand an egg up at the Equinox and be still in the one moment of perfect earthly balance; to meditate on yin and yang, dark and light, and rejoice in the mystery of it.

To stand at the Yule fires and step forward when her turn comes, to sense oneness with the maiden goddess, the young girl before motherhood besets upon her.

To dress in the robes of white at a ritual and enjoy the good cheer as Holly King defeats Oak King, and the year Wheel turns again towards spring.

To kneel in prayer and guide gone-by spirits on the night of Saimhain, and then join in a night of rejoicing and leave out offerings to souls as they travel unto the next realm.

My passions desire it to be real, and I have seen that it is. I have SEEN these things work!!! So why, why oh why oh why is it that I don’t give them my heart and soul anymore? How did I ever come to the conclusion that they were evil or wrong?

e

2Corinthians 11:14
And no marvel; for even Satan fashioneth himself into an angel of light.

 

[THurifer2]

If you have a spiritual director, great, if not GET ONE ASAP.

Have you ever considered the religious life?

DOn’t know why I am asking.

 

[DJgang]

My dear…get yourself to a Priest and talk about this. Confess to him all your desires, release it all.

Throw away every object that might remind you of your Witch life. Books, clothes, etc…delete those pagan websites from your favorites

Get a Rosary and start praying it. (need one, I’ll mail you one) Every day. Get a statue of our Blessed Mother and ask her to pray for you.

Please know that I finally threw away all my books about five months ago…I’ve thrown away everything, even Tarot cards.

There is not room in our life for those things, only God. Focus on how God created this great world, that lake that you are receiving Power from, it’s not real…Light a candle, not for the power from the fire, but to know that your prayer is remembered and remains as long as it is lit.

Build yourself a shrine, with candles, a crucifix, statue of our blessed Mother, a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, Holy Water, get a font for your home…

You can do this.

Pray for deliverence from this all and for your focus to be on God.

I will pray for you. Keep me (us) posted on how you are doing.

Post a thread in Prayer Intentions and get some divine protection coming your way. God loves you…

 

[DJgang]

If you have a spiritual director, great, if not GET ONE ASAP.

Have you ever considered the religious life?

DOn’t know why I am asking.

You are asking because you can see, she is a very spiritual person, seeking and needing … and sometimes people go through all kinds of outside influences before they can grow even more spiritually…sometimes these things even bringing them closer to where they need to be…

 

[THurifer2]

LIsten to Dana…I can tell she knows her stuff.

 

[dessert]

I have absolutely no idea where I can post this… the apologetic forums didn’t seem right, neither do the prayer request forums or the family life forums or this one, either, really… but I am most comfortable here, so … please forgive me if this is wrong and direct me where to go…

Sometimes I have to wonder if I haven’t just gone crazy.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe. I am Catholic and I always will be; I will not turn away, I will not abandon God in my will even if my passions insist on thus abandoning me.

Still sometimes I feel like it’s breaking me, literally.

I step out of doors, and it is as if the whole world is screaming at me to… explore my potential for magick, for Wicca and the Craft. Maybe this is why the Bible says “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, maybe it’s because once one has tasted that power, the beauty of it, she really can’t be saved from it completely – ever.

Maybe I’ll just never really be at peace with this; except for during the MASS, or Eucharistic Adoration, or for some reason when I say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, all of my passions seem to desire magick as I once had.

My passions desire astral projection, to enter into my sacred space in my soul and meditate upon it again as I once did. My passions desire runes and tarot cards, to explore the art of divination further and to know what to expect will happen so that I might alter it.

My passions desire to praise the moon for her resplendent glory, her beauty as she represents the Queen of all goddesses in her sphere. My passions desire to touch the waters of the lake, to worship the water and receive power from it. My passions desire to light a fire,**
Light a votive candleand make the sign of the cross and say the words and pray, whatever prayer of God you know.Praise and thank Him, he is the center of life the nucleus of the egg He made it all.**

and dance around it with a circle of pagans, to worship the dancing flames and imitate them with my body as I feel their power course through me again.

There is so much that I desire. To feel the cycle of seasons and tune myself in with it again; to stand an egg up at the Equinox and be still in the one moment of perfect earthly balance; to meditate on yin and yang, dark and light, and rejoice in the mystery of it.

To stand at the Yule fires and step forward when her turn comes, to sense oneness with the maiden goddess, the young girl before motherhood besets upon her.

To dress in the robes of white at a ritual and enjoy the good cheer as Holly King defeats Oak King, and the year Wheel turns again towards spring.

To kneel in prayer and guide gone-by spirits on the night of Saimhain, and then join in a night of rejoicing and leave out offerings to souls as they travel unto the next realm.

My passions desire it to be real, and I have seen that it is. I have SEEN these things work!!! So why, why oh why oh why is it that I don’t give them my heart and soul anymore? How did I ever come to the conclusion that they were evil or wrong?

What is wrong with me? Why do I desire a little piece of bread so desperately each and every day? Why does it seem hard to wait all the way to tomorrow to receive the Eucharist again? How did I come to believe that this is really Christ, really Jesus, really God physically present in the Eucharist? Have I gone insane?

I feel like, I am away at a Catholic school building a foundation for my Catholic faith. And I truly do believe. I do. Whenever I’m near the Eucharist, my doubts flee.

But I can’t spend the rest of my life beside the tabernacle, or in a chapel!

I feel like the foundation I am building is crumbling, not because there is anything wrong with the tools I am using of the base I am on – it is Jesus, it is his Church that holds me, and I will not be washed away. But my foundation is crumbling as I build it because there is a poisonous mould, or ants that eat away at the wood. Wood ants.

I am hurting. I am going to go and pray now. Please pray for me, and if anyone can help to convince me of why… paganism is …evil… please – help!

Pax Christi,
(and I’m desperate for some of His peace right now!)
Esther Rose

YOour post is so long and you sound desperate, I will pray for you tonight and tomorrow at my mass and rosary.
Barb

 

[Pope_Noah_I]

I have absolutely no idea where I can post this… the apologetic forums didn’t seem right, neither do the prayer request forums or the family life forums or this one, either, really… but I am most comfortable here, so … please forgive me if this is wrong and direct me where to go…

Sometimes I have to wonder if I haven’t just gone crazy.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe. I am Catholic and I always will be; I will not turn away, I will not abandon God in my will even if my passions insist on thus abandoning me.

Still sometimes I feel like it’s breaking me, literally.

I step out of doors, and it is as if the whole world is screaming at me to… explore my potential for magick, for Wicca and the Craft. Maybe this is why the Bible says “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live”, maybe it’s because once one has tasted that power, the beauty of it, she really can’t be saved from it completely – ever.

Maybe I’ll just never really be at peace with this; except for during the MASS, or Eucharistic Adoration, or for some reason when I say the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, all of my passions seem to desire magick as I once had.

My passions desire astral projection, to enter into my sacred space in my soul and meditate upon it again as I once did. My passions desire runes and tarot cards, to explore the art of divination further and to know what to expect will happen so that I might alter it.

My passions desire to praise the moon for her resplendent glory, her beauty as she represents the Queen of all goddesses in her sphere. My passions desire to touch the waters of the lake, to worship the water and receive power from it. My passions desire to light a fire, and dance around it with a circle of pagans, to worship the dancing flames and imitate them with my body as I feel their power course through me again.

There is so much that I desire. To feel the cycle of seasons and tune myself in with it again; to stand an egg up at the Equinox and be still in the one moment of perfect earthly balance; to meditate on yin and yang, dark and light, and rejoice in the mystery of it.

To stand at the Yule fires and step forward when her turn comes, to sense oneness with the maiden goddess, the young girl before motherhood besets upon her.

To dress in the robes of white at a ritual and enjoy the good cheer as Holly King defeats Oak King, and the year Wheel turns again towards spring.

To kneel in prayer and guide gone-by spirits on the night of Saimhain, and then join in a night of rejoicing and leave out offerings to souls as they travel unto the next realm.

My passions desire it to be real, and I have seen that it is. I have SEEN these things work!!! So why, why oh why oh why is it that I don’t give them my heart and soul anymore? How did I ever come to the conclusion that they were evil or wrong?

What is wrong with me? Why do I desire a little piece of bread so desperately each and every day? Why does it seem hard to wait all the way to tomorrow to receive the Eucharist again? How did I come to believe that this is really Christ, really Jesus, really God physically present in the Eucharist? Have I gone insane?

I feel like, I am away at a Catholic school building a foundation for my Catholic faith. And I truly do believe. I do. Whenever I’m near the Eucharist, my doubts flee.

But I can’t spend the rest of my life beside the tabernacle, or in a chapel!

I feel like the foundation I am building is crumbling, not because there is anything wrong with the tools I am using of the base I am on – it is Jesus, it is his Church that holds me, and I will not be washed away. But my foundation is crumbling as I build it because there is a poisonous mould, or ants that eat away at the wood. Wood ants.

I am hurting. I am going to go and pray now. Please pray for me, and if anyone can help to convince me of why… paganism is …evil… please – help!

Pax Christi,
(and I’m desperate for some of His peace right now!)
Esther Rose

Reject it. Just turn away. We have to be bitter towards false religions because they lead us away from God. Teach yourself to hate paganism, despise it. Dispatch of your own feelings and keep with the fiath of the Church, I have done it. So can you. It takes strength, but it works.

 

[twosweetgirls]

And when those desires enter your head, immediately say an “Our Father” and a “Hail Mary”–for yourself and all those who are led astray by false religions.

You are to be commended for being so in tune with yourself, and those things which are an objection and sin to the Faith you know to be Truth. You hang in there! Sending you much love.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

I threw everything pagany away and turned back to God. When those desires hit, say the St. Michael Prayer.
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Along with Our Lady, makes St. Michael your patron. Is there a convent near by where you can go on retreat? There will be a spiritual director there that works with the Sisters and you may be able to talk to him/her.

You went deep, didn’t you. I can tell from your posts. I went far myself, but I pulled back from the edge. I have a vision of you teetering on the edge of a precipice and you are grasping for a rope. You know that rope is there, but you are having trouble keeping a hold of it. Just continue to trust that it is there, and you will grab it. Continue your Divine Mercy Chaplets and add a Rosary.

You are in my prayers in a really special way.

 

[DJgang]

PatienceandLove, I was about to post a prayer to St. Michael.

Esther Rose, I am still praying for you.

Another thing that you need to do…get away from those who are involved in what you were involved in…it’s going to be hard, but St. Michael will protect you. You need to seize friendships with them today!

I didn’t go as deep as you have…almost…but didn’t.

 

[Belle10]

I threw everything pagany away and turned back to God. When those desires hit, say the St. Michael Prayer.
Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;
and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits,
who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

Continue your Divine Mercy Chaplets and add a Rosary.

I will remember you in my Chaplet of Divine Mercy and Rosary today.

I haven’t experienced what you’re feeling, but maybe this will help:

When you start feeling pulled toward your old, pagan ways - things that you know in your heart and soul are not of God and not about God, picture them physically standing in front of you. Then picture Jesus physically standing in front of you too, and make your choice. Remember, Jesus IS PHYSICALLY WITH YOU IF YOU HAVE RECEIVED HOLY COMMUNION IN A STATE OF GRACE, and He remains physically and spiritually with you there until the next time you receive Holy Communion (according to the Diary of St. Faustina). Be strong in the Lord - He will never abandon you. :hug1:
I highly recommend reading the Diary if you haven’t already – it’s wonderful.

 

[Neophyte_Rose]

I do have a spiritual director (thank God), with whom I have an appointment for Monday afternoon…

…I’m just getting so frustrated, though… the only tangible objects which remain in my possession and are remniscent of my pagan days are photographs… two of my old altar, and one of me just on a family vacation but I had my pentacle pendant on in the photograph.

…it doesn’t take much for me to be tempted, though… I just walk outside, and there’s the full moon - and there’s the lake - and there’s some really tall pines - and there’s the fierce wind, and the ice and cold and snow dancing around with its own energy - and there’s temptation, to worship, to reach out and touch it just once more…

I used to meditate every morning and night, inside a circle on the floor, consecrating myself to the elements and the maiden goddess.

Now I try to say a rosary, I go to daily MASS, I say the Chaplet… and for some reason it just doesn’t feel the same. I am not feeling the endless pools of energy and reserve, or the power, that I used to. And I know I’m not supposed to, but… I just miss it so much.

I am, however, encouraged to see that I am not the only Catholic convert who hails from a neo-Pagan Wiccan past.

Maybe I’m not so crazy for turning away from it all, out of longing to recieve the Eucharist … I was starting to wonder if I was really all alone in this, if maybe a person really had to be losing it to leave behind her Wiccan faith, her Pagan worship, her Witch’s Craft… all because she found out that Jesus loves her, and then realized that she loved Jesus too.

…so far I am just focusing myself on distractions as much as I can… it’s not too difficult to do, what with card games and people to talk to and essays to write… the only problem is that even when I’m distracted, I’m still partially thinking about it. About magick, about what I’m not doing anymore.

and eventually the distractions run out, and I am alone and it is night and I can feel, almost tangibly, all the things I could do; say a consecration to the maiden, light a candle and try to memorize its motions, get a bowl of water and try to see through its surface…

and it seems like it would be so beautiful, but somehow despite how beautiful it would be it’s really just painful because I won’t do these things anymore.

so I say novenas. and I say Chaplets. and I try to go to sleep, and eventually I do fall asleep - trying so very much to think of other things… like MASS in the morning, which I do long for - and it is that longing, it is the thought of not being able to recieve Him that stops me from actually doing any of these things that my passions still rave for.

and it’s just when I think that I’m over these temptations, that a Catholic “friend” will send me a package of tarot cards in the mail - “just for fun”, “hoping I won’t take it seriously”… or it’s just when I think I am over these temptations that a topic comes up in class - like the cult of Isis in classical history, or the proofs of why there is only ONE God in philosophy - and even in philosphy I somehow find myself arguing for plurality in deity, even though I know it’s not true and I stop myself once I realize what I’m doing.

I’m away at a CATHOLIC school, for crying out loud! We talk about these topics in class to show why the pagans were wrong, why Christians are right, and I just get even more mixed up because I am already so mixed up…

does it get better? does it go away eventually? will I ever heal from this? be able to go for an evening walk without feeling tempted to commit idolatry?

I do appreciate everyone’s prayers… maybe, with time and perseverance, it’ll get better. There is a healing MASS next Friday evening, and I’ll be attending it.

I am going to praying that God will heal me of these unhealthy attachments, that He will break the power that these temptations still have over my heart… that He will heal the ordering of my passions, even just a little bit, just in this regard.

I so want to be a good Catholic. I want to be one of those who doesn’t doubt, who is in total, constant communion with God and is constantly aware of His Holy Presence in her life. One who doesn’t think twice about the faith from whence I came out of.

Pax Christi
Esther Rose

ps - I have thought about religious life; a lot, actually. I’m not sure what God wants for me, though… because though I am very attracted to religious life, I wonder if it’s just the idea that attracts me…

and there are so many things to think of, to consider - like the fact that I also long to have my own little ones to love, raise, protect and guide towards sainthood.

 

[Neophyte_Rose]

I love lighting votive candles!! (those are the prayer candles at the Church, right?) … they really cost too much for my student’s budget, but I do light them whenever I can…

I offer them up for the religious communities I know of (Sisters of Our Lady Immaculate, Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, and a new order that’s starting - the Sisters of the Queenship of Mary… and the Companions of the Cross, because who doesn’t love them?) and I ask God to continue working through them, to bless them through their efforts…

that thought made me happy I think I might call one of my friends tonight, maybe she’ll be able to offer me some guidance and/or support.

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose

(I try to say the Apostle’s Creed when I am the most tempted, and most of the times it helps at least a little. there’s just this persistant little piece of me that resists…)

 

[PhilotheaZ]

My passions desire to praise the moon for her resplendent glory, her beauty as she represents the Queen of all goddesses in her sphere. My passions desire to touch the waters of the lake, to worship the water and receive power from it. My passions desire to light a fire, and dance around it with a circle of pagans, to worship the dancing flames and imitate them with my body as I feel their power course through me again.

The beauty of creation is evidence of the far superior beauty of its Creator, the one God. From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1147 God speaks to man through the visible creation. The material cosmos is so presented to man’s intelligence that he can read there traces of its Creator. Light and darkness, wind and fire, water and earth, the tree and its fruit speak of God and symbolize both his greatness and his nearness.

Sacred Scripture tells us that it is wrong to see “gods” in nature (Wisdom 13:1-9):

For all men were by nature foolish who were in ignorance of God, and who from the good things seen did not succeed in knowing him who is, and from studying the works did not discern the artisan;
But either fire, or wind, or the swift air, or the circuit of the stars, or the mighty water, or the luminaries of heaven, the governors of the world, they considered gods.
Now if out of joy in their beauty they thought them gods, let them know how far more excellent is the Lord than these; for the original source of beauty fashioned them.
Or if they were struck by their might and energy, let them from these things realize how much more powerful is he who made them.
For from the greatness and the beauty of created things their original author, by analogy, is seen …
For they indeed have gone astray perhaps, though they seek God and wish to find him.
For they search busily among his works, but are distracted by what they see, because the things seen are fair.
But again, not even these are pardonable.
For if they so far succeeded in knowledge that they could speculate about the world, how did they not more quickly find its LORD?

Saint Paul speaks sternly about those who worship creatures rather than their Creator (Romans 1:18-25):

The wrath of God is indeed being revealed from heaven against every impiety and wickedness of those who suppress the truth by their wickedness … for although they knew God they did not accord him glory as God or give him thanks. Instead, they became vain in their reasoning, and their senseless minds were darkened. While claiming to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for the likeness of an image of mortal man or of birds or of four-legged animals or of snakes. Therefore, God handed them over to impurity through the lusts of their hearts for the mutual degradation of their bodies. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie and revered and worshiped the creature rather than the creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

And we can’t have it both ways (worshiping God along with false “gods”). The First Commandment is first because it is the most important: I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me. Or, as Jesus said, "It is written: ‘The Lord, your God, shall you worship and him alone shall you serve.’ " (Matthew 4:10)

This must be tremendously difficult for you. But when you come through it by prayer and perseverance, God may make your faith in Him (alone!) stronger than ever. May He bless you in your struggle; my prayers are with you.

 

[4loveofJesus]

May God’s peace, love, mercy and healing be with you!

In our journey to come closer to Christ, we have to constantly turn away from sin and our wicked past and reject it totally with all our heart. You will have to destroy/ burn the pictures, anything and everything that you have that is related to witchcraft, paganism. Using holy water, make the sign of the Cross. Ask Our Good Lord Jesus, Our Blessed Mother, Saint Michael to help and protect you and then bless the items with holy water before touching it, then burn all of it.

Frequent reception of the Holy Eucharist (daily if able) and frequent confession will surely help break the evil bonds that you have acquired and infuse you with innumerable graces in order to overcome them.

Pray the Rosary and Chaplet of Divine mercy daily. Also read the Scriptures and do spiritual reading daily. These are also great source of graces and will help keep your mind and soul filled with thoughts about God, His Goodness, His Mercy, His Love, His Living Presence than the past that you need to totally give up and leave behind.

Remember, ONLY cling to Jesus.

Entrust yourself to Our Blessed Mother’s help and maternal protection, with the help and protection of St. Michael the Archangel, all the angels, archangels, the saints and the poor souls in Purgatory.

Praying for you and for all!

Blessed be Jesus and Mary!

 

[Neophyte_Rose]

I spoke to my spiritual director today. He has instructed me to bring him my photos, and he said either he’ll hold onto them for me or we can burn them together not sure I want them burned, maybe one day I’ll be able to look at them and see the beauty of what I had but not be tempted by it… sigh

but I’m under orders now… or, rather, a strong compulsion from my spiritual director (and I always try to obey my spiritual director)… smart priest, he knows how to get around my hedging and reluctance to do what needs to be done. (too bad I still don’t have the discipline to do it myself)

He said that I just have to keep clinging to Jesus with my will, and to keep praying to Him whenever I feel tempted or strained.

Doesn’t help at all that we talked about the cult of Isis the other day in history class… I used to worship her… and now we talk about her in class… and then this chant and that chant come to mind, and I’m a wealth of information for the class (to the point where I freaked the teacher out a little bit)… and then I’m all tempted again.

Will this ever be over? all this temptation, I mean?

I don’t know if I still have anything at home… I may still actually have my BOS at home (in my real home, I mean, whilst I’m away at college right now)… if I find it when I go home for Christmas, I will hold onto it, bring it back with me, and give it to my Spiritual Director. He’ll know what to do with it (and he’ll do it, even though I won’t want him to).

On another note, we sang for MASS today (in my school, all first years are mandatorily made to sing in a course called Chorus, for our school MASS each week) under a visiting director… and it was AMAZING… I think I could really get into this Latin stuff, under someone like this guy. I pray he comes back. it’ll give me something different to focus on for once.

right now, Euchre, essays and exams will have to suffice for distractions.

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose:heart:

 

[kage_ar]

One thought struck me as I read your postings… you have for a long time worshipped the creation. Now, when you are surrounded by all the beauty of creation, turn the worship to the Creator.

 

[Belle10]

I spoke to my spiritual director today. He has instructed me to bring him my photos, and he said either he’ll hold onto them for me or we can burn them together not sure I want them burned, maybe one day I’ll be able to look at them and see the beauty of what I had but not be tempted by it… sigh

I think you need to recognize something important: you said (above) that maybe one day you’ll be able to look at those pictures and see the beauty of what you had. What you had was not beautiful – it was worshipping a false god, feeling the “power” given to you not by God, but by evil. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but to hopefully help you see that as long as you see your old ways as beautiful, you won’t stop wanting them.

You might not necessarily “feel” anything when praying (don’t say, PRAY, the Rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy ), but feelings aren’t always necessary (lots of saints were void of happy feelings, but became saints nonetheless). Prayer isn’t about empowering yourself, it’s about surrendering to God, the Creator and Father who loves us.

Regarding your classes, what degree are you pursuing? It seems like the subject matter is obviously a problem, so maybe you need to rethink what degree you’re working toward if it includes all of that stuff.

Will this ever be over? all this temptation, I mean?

I don’t know. I hope so, but we all have temptations. There are things I am trying to move past, and every time I think I have, I’m tempted again. The more I reach toward Jesus, the more Satan doesn’t like it. But he won’t get me – and that may mean a life of temptation, but I have Jesus helping me, so I can deal with that. :knight2:

I hurt for you, and will remember you again today in my Rosary and chaplet of Divine Mercy. Please, watch this video (below) – I think it might help you:

godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5

God bless you. PM if you want. :hug1: