...my desire for the Eucharist is all I am holding onto right now

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I must’ve spent an hour and a half watching that video over and over. It’s really beautiful.

I have much to think about.

thank you for your prayers and advice. and emphasizing.

I don’t feel like I’m alone or insane anymore, at least. Sometimes I still think… I must be crazy… but hey, maybe I am! crazy about Jesus 😉

Pax Christi,
Esther
 
Neophyte_Rose said:
I must’ve spent an hour and a half watching that video over and over. It’s really beautiful.

I have much to think about.

thank you for your prayers and advice. and emphasizing.

I don’t feel like I’m alone or insane anymore, at least. Sometimes I still think… I must be crazy… but hey, maybe I am! crazy about Jesus 😉

Pax Christi,
Esther
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I’m so glad you liked the video! I love it too – I cry every time I watch it. In my heart and soul know Jesus loves me and I know what things try to keep me from Him, but seeing it portrayed makes a strong impact.

I’m crazy about Jesus too (and lots of us are!!), so you’re in good company 😉 👍 Don’t give up, keep praying, PM me if you want, and know you’ll be in my prayers. :hug1:
 
I’m so relieved to know I can go to Confession, too. I would much rather not be tempted in the first place, and if I must be tempted I would much rather simply not fall, but as I do on occasion (like tonight 😦 😊 ), it is so good to know afterwards when the whole self-hating cycle kicks in that Jesus will forgive me as soon as I’m ready to ask it.

I really am sorry :o … I have an appointment for Confession tomorrow morning, but I may abstain from the Eucharist anyway as a penance (or would that be a bad thing to do as penance?)?

on another note… I am so looking forward to the Healing MASS on Friday, but I am also trying to be cautious not to place too much hope in it. I think Jesus wants me to struggle with this a little bit, to get stronger.

hehe 😃 I’m listening to the song from that video right now 🙂 but I’ve an essay to finish, and I need to be up EARLY in the morning so that I can get to Confession (I’ve an appointment for 6:45am).

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose
 
Neophyte_Rose said:
I really am sorry :o … I have an appointment for Confession tomorrow morning, but I may abstain from the Eucharist anyway as a penance (or would that be a bad thing to do as penance?)?
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I hope your confession allowed for wonderful graces to flow from Jesus to you, to strengthen you for battle.

I wouldn’t suggest abstaining from the Eucharist unless your priest tells you to do so (or unless you’re in a state of mortal sin). Holy Communion is where we gain our strength – it’s “food” for our souls, and we need Jesus to be with us.

Keep us updated on how you’re doing. We care. :hug1:
 
For some reason, Confession didn’t “feel” the same as it has before… it took a little while for it to sink in that I’m forgiven. (plus, my confessor as a thing for giving easy penances… and I thought that I should have a really hard penance for this)

but it did sink in, just around time for Communion.

I didn’t end up abstaining from the Eucharist, my SD/Confessor told me not to.

And I’m back on track. with learning, struggling. and looking forward to Christmas :):)🙂

I just learned today that in Advent, we are not only entering into a period of anticipation that is in solidarity with that of the Jewish people anticipating the Messiah pre-Christ… we are also anticipating the parousiea!! (sp?) or second-comming!

that is SO cool. maybe He’ll come tomorrow, or maybe He’ll come in another thousand years, but we’ll be here waiting with Advent-like spirits, longing for Him. (and recieving Him daily in the Eucharist, like He said to!)

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose

ps - I think I am struggling even more now with temptation, but the healing MASS is tomorrow night and I know that I can at least hold out until then. and maybe longer, but I won’t think of that.

One day at a time, as some wise person once said.
 
Neophyte_Rose said:
I just learned today that in Advent, we are not only entering into a period of anticipation that is in solidarity with that of the Jewish people anticipating the Messiah pre-Christ… we are also anticipating the parousiea!! (sp?) or second-comming!
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Don’t forget that Advent is also a penetial (sp?) season. Not as much as Lent is, but one should “clean house” before Our Lord arrives (if that makes sense).
 
Neophyte, Shalom!

I will be keeping you in my prayers. I wanted to pass on an observation: In your original posting you wrote, “I feel like the foundation I am building is crumbling, not because there is anything wrong with the tools I am using of the base I am on – it is Jesus, it is his Church that holds me, and I will not be washed away. But my foundation is crumbling as I build it because there is a poisonous mould, or ants that eat away at the wood.”

Although it won’t feel like it now, this is a good thing. Your description reminded me of when I was doing construction back in college. Sand would be poured on the ground where the foundation would be later poured, then this really big, and really LOUD bouncing foot (that’s the best way I can describe it) would be moved over the sand to tamp it down. More sand would be poured, more tamping with the foot, more sand, more foot, until the contractors were sure the sand was hard-packed and wouldn’t shift. This was done so there would be a smooth surface for the concrete. Only after the contractors were sure the sand wouldn’t shift and cause the foundation to crack would they start pouring the concrete.

You were led by the Holy Spirit to the Catholic Church; you have been received into the Church and have received the Holy Spirit through Baptism and Confirmation. The waters of Baptism washed your sins away and cleared away the dirt, leaving strong bedrock to build upon. You can’t build directly on bedrock, though. It needs a layer of firm-packed sand to support the concrete and provide some thermal insulation from the bedrock, lest the foundation crack from too much heat in the summer and too much cold in the winter. Your foundation isn’t crumbling – it’s being tamped down, to make it smooth and hard and ready to accept the concrete that the Holy Spirit will pour down upon you. Each time you resist the call of your pagan ways, that’s some more tamping of the sand.

Yes, this is hard, and yes, it will pass. When it does pass, your foundation will be SO strong, it will be able to handle anything that will come in the future. Your friends who are sending you tarot cards and the like strike me as the kinds of friends who will send liquor-filled chocolates or 21-year-old scotch to a recovering alcoholic. Don’t be afraid to tell them NOT to send you such things.

One prayer that might help you, in addition to the St. Michael prayer, is the Sh’ma: “Sh’ma Yisrael! Adenoi elechanu, Adenoi echad!” “Hear, O Israel! The Lord your God, the Lord is One!” You might call it the defining prayer in Judaism, and for us Christians, it declares our belief that Yahweh is the only God.

Shalom!
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Muzhik, what a great, supportive post. I think we can all apply your analogy (I know I can!) to our struggles. Thanks for sharing. 😃 :grouphug:
 
wow. thank you for that analogy. 🙂

I have so much to think about right now.

Just came back from the healing MASS. it was beautiful. Again, I have much to think about.

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose
 
I’m so bad at penance! :o I have to remember to do more of it, more often. 🙂 always things to work on!

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose
 
I converted from having no religion but was seriously drawn to all the things you describe. I was into palmistry, séances, card reading, the Ouija board, the goddess as opposed to a god, the sacred feminine. I never went as far as becoming Wicca because I had the blessing to call up a demon, who called himself The Devil, with my homemade Ouija board and it showed me the truth of what I had been doing. Truthfully I can say that I have never been so terrified in all my life and I have been close to dying on more than one occasion. This was more terrifying than that because it promised to be for all eternity.

I know the pull of these things. Your desire for runes and tarot cards to tell the future, your desire to follow your old ways of worship is the impulse of the evil one, trying to draw you back to his grasp. Yes, these things work. It is not mere superstition but their source of power is the evil one in disguise. He makes all these things seem good and valuable, enticing, promising you power.

You came to the conclusion that these things were evil because God has touched you and called you to Himself. You are not insane. You now know instinctively that these things will not bring you eternal life with God but will separate you from Him forever, however much they seem to draw you now.

When you see the moon and feel the ‘goddess’, you are misinterpreting what you feel. This is one of the reasons why in the Church we say not to go by your feelings. They can be misinterpreted and lead you astray.

You are in need of deliverance from the oppression of evil. Is there a Catholic Charismatic group in your parish? You need special prayers from a priest who knows about these things and those involved in the Charismatic Renewal are much more familiar with them. This is why you believe that your foundation is crumbling. The evil spirits you called around yourself with your former way of life have not been banished. They are constantly battering you to abandon God.

Know that once you receive these prayers, the evil one will still never let up in his efforts to turn you away from God. You will, however, be much more protected from his influence and be able to say, “Get away from me, Satan.” And have it work with all the power of God behind your command. I speak from personal experience.

I have a great deal of trouble talking about this with most people because they view it as superstition and ‘aren’t we all modern and beyond believing in ghosts and bogeymen and the devil’. It doesn’t make it any less real. One of the things that helped me in the Church was how people automatically believed me and gave me the weapons I needed to fight it. You know, it isn’t called Spiritual Warfare for nothing.

Get yourself some sacramentals, wear a blessed crucifix and display one in every room in your home. I recommend this in particular. It has been most efficacious for me. Pray the St, Michael prayer often, perhaps the Chaplet of St, Michael, calling on all the angels. Remember your own Guardian Angel often. If you start your prayers by banishing evil and invoking the protection of God’s Holy Angels, you will find your prayers much more productive, yourself much less oppressed. For us, in opening ourselves to God, we also open ourselves to the other one so we are in need of special spiritual protection.

St, Michael, Archangel, protect Esther Rose. Mary, Mother of God, Queen of Angels who crushed the serpent’s head beneath your heel, aid her.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen
 
Yesterday, I had the most fantastic day ever. A friend of mine is turning 20 this week, but since it’s exam week, we decided to celebrate it on Sunday night (as we shouldn’t work on Sundays anyway :P) instead of on the actual day when we will all be distracted with studies.

We watched movies, played Euchre, and just hung out. It was great. Plus, we were hanging out with our all-time favourite person (my - and his - spiritual director) and two other friends of ours. so it was a small and close group having a lot of fun together.

So after I got home, it was fairly late and I was pretty tired. All I wanted to do was play some music (I’m a songwriter), particularly a song I wrote about a year ago about lettering go of paganism and trusting in Jesus and following His light, but hurting to let go all the same.

Somehow I felt like, if I could just express this, everything would get better. but it’s quiet hours in our house because of exam time, and the only indoor loud place left is the lounge. so I didn’t get to play or sing.

By about 11 I was literally shaking, and kept starting to cry, I just wanted to practice so badly and even more I wanted to call somebody who I trusted a lot or who would understand - but since it was so late I didn’t want to disturb anyone.

I have this one candle I was given last year, it’s a candle in a glass jar that has an image of the Blessed Virgin on it, so I lit that. then I took some Holy Water, made the sign of the Cross, and then I just meditated a little bit, tried to calm myself down. I thought about pulling knots out of rope, and smoothing down a bumpy line. It was very relaxing, I just focused on calmness. and peace.

after that, I said a rosary and thought about how fitting it is, to enter the Church at Easter - that Easter was the most important day in my personal life, because I was baptized and everything, and how fitting that is because the first Easter was the most important day in the world and because Easter is the most important celebration.

and I kept thinking, this is what Advent is about - waiting for the Incarnation, longing for Him, both as He came at Christmas, and as He promised us He would come in the Parousia. I kept thinking about how I’m just waiting for Him now.

Was the whole meditation thing that I started with … too pagany? or do you think that seems okay? It really helped me, to get rid of all the distractions so that I could really pray and I got through the rest of the night without any more major breakdowns or stresses.

It seems good, to me, but I am afraid that I can’t trust my own perception anymore.

Pax Christi,
Esther Rose
 
Rose, Shalom!

I don’t think anything of what you did was too pagan-y. Candles by themselves are a source of light. You chose a candle that helped you focus on Our **Blessed **Mother (not the earth mother). You lit a candle rather than curse the darkness. You got yourself calmed down using imagery that is not expressly pagan. Once you calmed down, you prayed the Rosary, a meditative prayer designed to help you become closer to G_D. I think you did just fine.

I’m assuming your instrument is the guitar. You may want to consider investing in an electric guitar and amplified headphones. This would let you play the guitar without anyone else outside your room hearing what you’re doing.

Frankly, I envy people who can meditate. I have major ADHD. If I’m not in front of the Blessed Sacrament in church, I simply can’t kneel and pray the Rosary. I HAVE TO be moving while praying, otherwise I lose focus. Even then it’s hard not to make out a grocery list during the Rosary. “The Nativity. Birth of Jesus, birth of ourselves in Christ, joyful mystery, joy – fulfillment through pain. Birth is painful. Makes you cry. Cry. Need Kleenex. Need toilet paper, shaving cream, hand soap, … Oh, yeah, The Visitation.”

(And that’s while I’m medicated. I’m not even going to try to describe my trains of thought when my meds wear off.)

There was something else I was going to add, but I got distracted. I’ll post it later if it comes back to mind.
 
I agree with Muzhik. Your preparations were not to ‘pagany’. Try offering up your struggle. Offer it for all those who are still bound in paganism, who do not yet believe in Him. Your struggle can then benefit others to bring them to the Lord - even if you don’t know who they are.

Continue your daily Communication. It is probably the best way to keep close to Jesus, strengthen yourself spiritually and ward off evil.

Thinking about your meditation of pulling knots out of a rope, get the Novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots. I absolutely love the icon.
maryundoerofknots.com/welcome.htm
In this angelic court, two angels stand out. One of them holds on to a ribbon, the ribbon of our life, which is full of knots big and small, loose and tight. They are the knots of our life, the knots of anguish and despair of separated couples, the dissolution of the family, the knots of a drug addict son or daughter, sick or separated from home or God, knots of alcoholism, the practice of abortion, depression, unemployment, fear, solitude, etc.
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The good hearted angel looks to our Queen and holding on to the ribbon of your life, presents to Mary, the Undoer of Knots and says, “We trust you, Mother; You can help us. Undo, then, the knots of this life!”
Then, Mary takes your life into Her compassionate hands and with her long fingers of mercy goes on to undo each knot, one after the other. Look at Her. Feel the attention, love and tenderness with which She does this, hearing your plea, the supplication of a beloved child!
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http://www.maryundoerofknots.com/images/photos/virgin_mary_2.jpg
 
I would like to add one thing to the good advice the others have given you. For one thing, I was thinking about your post this AM as I was driving to work (and I prayed for you also), and I agree with one of the posters who mentioned that you may need to seek prayers for deliverence.

But I also think you might want to try fasting along with your prayers. It is very Biblical, Christ Himself did it and said a certain type of demon could only be removed by prayer and fasting. Now I am not implying at all that a demon is possessing you, but I do think that you may be experiencing some sort of oppression due to your past involvement in the occult. I can’t explain it, but it seems that fasting acts a sort of a lever to move things along spiritually. I would also recommend that you say the Our Father often, as it does contain a petition to God to deliver us from evil, and pray to the Holy Spirit to fill you. Whatever you gave up when you were involved with Wicca, needs to be replaced with the Holy Spirit. You cannot leave any gaps for Satan to move in on.

You have apparently been involved very heavily and for a long period of time with the lie from Hell that is Wicca and New Age practices, and Satan is not going to give up your soul easily. Although I have never been involved in such practices, I know what it is like to be in a spiritual battle for your soul, as I experienced such a thing after my true conversion to Christ (I was a nominal Catholic). These things are very real, and it was not pleasant. I will pray for you. There is a lot at stake here.
 
Rose,
You are not alone. You are joined to the mystical Body of Christ. You are a part just as I am here in Alabama. DO not give up. Keep working on it. Like Paul said, work out your salvation with fear and trimbling.

You asked why it is wrong? I think that you know, deep down why. It pulls you away from Truth. It pulls you away from God. Never give up!! Please. I can tell from your post what a beautiful person you are. You have a strong spiritual side. Let it only be focused on God.

All of us sruggle with something. YOu know what your temptations are. That is a blessing as well.

God bless you. I’ll pray for you.
 
ralphinal said:
You asked why it is wrong? I think that you know, deep down why. It pulls you away from Truth.
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You got it! In a nutshell…as I was being involved in this pagan, wiccian ways…I felt so seperated.

Anyway…

I think we are seeing some prayers being answered for EstherRose…👍

Dear, I continue to pray for you! :crossrc:
 
I’m not sure I should even go to MASS in this state… which sucks, because there’s a latin MASS tonight.

I’m not sure where I stand anymore… If these issues keep coming back like this, these temptations… I can’t resist forever, and what’s more… I don’t even want to resist anymore.

I feel like lashing out. I love Jesus, and the Eucharist and the MASS and the Catholic Church, so much that it hurts. but right now, I am so angry and upset that I can’t do the other which I love so much as well.

I can’t make myself see paganism as wrong; I can’t. I loved it, I love it, I gave it five years of my life - heart, mind and soul went into study and practice.

Why do I keep cycling like this, back over and back over what I’ve already dealt with? I hate it. I miss it so much. All I want is to clear my mind, so simple, right? Clear my mind and focus on nothing. Emptiness, peace. A clean inner self.

I almost went to ask my SD for permission to practice one pagan meditation that could help me regain my peace of mind. Cast a circle. breath in, and out, and calm down. dispel the negativity. light some candles. see what my mind, once calmed, can touch. can I even get back to my sacred space, if I want to?

I feel antagonistic right now. Like I need to talk about this longing so badly - but I don’t want to. I feel childish and afraid of reprimand, for going over the same things again and again. Like, when do I get over it? When? and if not, maybe these desires are right and I am wrong? in being Catholic and loving the Eucharist, maybe these are what have clouded my mind… how do I know what’s right, what’s wrong?

I’m going to stop typing now. try to call my SD one more time. maybe go to Mass (it’s a Latin Mass), maybe not. I dunno.

I don’t know that I need prayers to stay Catholic, or prayers to break me free. or if I am already free.

I’m so confused right now. what do I want? why and how is it different from what I wanted at fifteen? why did I change so much? why did I die to myself like that - why do I keep doing it?

Unsure, Confused, and Sorry,
Esther Rose
 
Neophyte_Rose said:
I’m not sure I should even go to MASS in this state… which sucks, because there’s a latin MASS tonight.

I’m not sure where I stand anymore… If these issues keep coming back like this, these temptations… I can’t resist forever, and what’s more… I don’t even want to resist anymore.

I feel like lashing out. I love Jesus, and the Eucharist and the MASS and the Catholic Church, so much that it hurts. but right now, I am so angry and upset that I can’t do the other which I love so much as well.

I can’t make myself see paganism as wrong; I can’t. I loved it, I love it, I gave it five years of my life - heart, mind and soul went into study and practice.

Why do I keep cycling like this, back over and back over what I’ve already dealt with? I hate it. I miss it so much. All I want is to clear my mind, so simple, right? Clear my mind and focus on nothing. Emptiness, peace. A clean inner self.
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The roots of some of the pagan impulses-- love of nature, for instance, aren’t bad things at all. Many Christians have too little of an appreciation for them. But the greatest Christians wonder in awe at the great beauty of creation-- St. Francis, Julian of Norwich, St. Bonaventure. They see creation as so wonderful and beautiful, and as contemplatives they’ve learned to rejoice in nature and see the Creator reflected in it.

You don’t have to reject anything good in paganism. All you need to do is look at things with a new perspective-- how different is nature and all creation, if it is indeed created. Perhaps meditating on the radical inadequacy of anything created to fill our souls and make us happy would help. This is a major impulse in my own spirituality and belief in God. I realized even when I wasn’t following God as I ought to that everything in the world is so radically inadequate.

And that’s not to say that the world is bad-- it is awesome. But when we turn the creature into the Creator we’re bound to be disappointed, because we make something finite and limited our end-- it’s just as bad as someone who makes anything else his one thing and last end, whether it is money, sex or power.

But what Christians have found is that when you put God in the right place, everything else is beautiful. I found the world intolerable without the Creator because I knew, deep down, that I would be radically unhappy without Him. But once I recognized Him the world became so much different for me.

You know yourself all of this, deep down, implicitly and intuitively by your love for Jesus in the Eucharist. He is that “one thing” which is necessary. He is that one Person who can fill that infinite emptiness in our souls which cries out to be filled by the divine. “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee!”

In the meantime we feel radically empty while on earth, and that emptiness if taken the wrong way, leads us to embrace things which cannot make us happy-- we try to fill the void with pleasure and power. But if taken the right way… listen to St. John of the Cross:

I no longer live within myself
and I cannot live without God,
for having neither him nor myself
what will life be?
It will be a thousand deaths,
longing for my true life
and dying because I do not die

This life that I live
is no life at all,
and so I die continually
until i live with you;
hear me, my God…

When I try to find relief
seeing you in the Sacrament
I find greater sorrow:
I cannot enjoy you wholly.
All things are affliction
since I do not see you as I desire,
and I die because I do not die
I almost went to ask my SD for permission to practice one pagan meditation that could help me regain my peace of mind. Cast a circle. breath in, and out, and calm down. dispel the negativity. light some candles. see what my mind, once calmed, can touch. can I even get back to my sacred space, if I want to?
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I feel antagonistic right now. Like I need to talk about this longing so badly - but I don’t want to. I feel childish and afraid of reprimand, for going over the same things again and again. Like, when do I get over it? When? and if not, maybe these desires are right and I am wrong? in being Catholic and loving the Eucharist, maybe these are what have clouded my mind… how do I know what’s right, what’s wrong?
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Emptiness is natural while on earth. But we need to be careful not to view pray in the wrong way. Even Christians often view prayer in the wrong way. I encourage you to read about the mystics and follow their paths in prayer-- God wants to live with all of us in an awesome love relationship. One book which I read which was helpful was Thomas Dubay’s Fire Within. The burning fire of the indwelling of the Trinity is something more awesome than what any other philosophy or creed promises.
 
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