My end to holiday hosting

[As_for_my_House]

This is a vent about my family and the holidays.

I was reading a post where the OP was talking about the matriarchs of the family deciding how the holidays should be celebrated when I realized that I have the opposite problem. The matriachs are all dead and I have been left with the task of providing Christmas for well over 40 grown people and that is not counting children.

Last year I was confronted by a cousin in-law who told me that she was upset because her family of 5 were not invited to Christmas dinner. I explained to her that I no longer have a large Christmas dinner because I work the day before and the day after. I am getting older and it is just too much on me.

I used to have a large Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner every year but I had help.
I no longer have help because my aunts and grandmother have passed away and my mother can barely walk or see anymore. For the past 30 years, I provided my house fully decorated, the bar, and table settings and all the goodies for 30+ people but mom, gram and aunts did the main food. I served and cleaned by myself. We were a good team and the holidays were wonderful! Now it is just my handicapped mom and me. She is an excellent cook still but she can no longer handle that amount of cooking and I never really inherited her talent for food preparation.

My second vent is that somehow because of my inclusion throughout the years of my Jewish in-laws at the holidays, they somehow think that I am in charge of providing them a secular Christmas every year because they have no place to go. I have never even been invited to a meal at my MILs home, let alone a holiday, but that’s another story.

I have done everything I can think of the let these relatives know that they must start contributing to the holiday get- togethers and that it includes hosting some of the time, but my request have fallen on deaf ears.
Last year for Thanksgiving I invited all out to dinner (I made sure to find an affordable place) and made it clear it was Dutch treat. It ended up being my mom, a couple of the children who live with her and my husband and my grown sons. They all bowed out, even the in-laws. I was told the price 25 a person was too high.

32 years of hosting and somehow I’m the bad guy.

 

[Xantippe]

This is a vent about my family and the holidays.

I was reading a post where the OP was talking about the matriarchs of the family deciding how the holidays should be celebrated when I realized that I have the opposite problem. The matriachs are all dead and I have been left with the task of providing Christmas for well over 40 grown people and that is not counting children.

Last year I was confronted by a cousin in-law who told me that she was upset because her family of 5 were not invited to Christmas dinner. I explained to her that I no longer have a large Christmas dinner because I work the day before and the day after. I am getting older and it is just too much on me.

I used to have a large Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner every year but I had help.
I no longer have help because my aunts and grandmother have passed away and my mother can barely walk or see anymore. For the past 30 years, I provided my house fully decorated, the bar, and table settings and all the goodies for 30+ people but mom, gram and aunts did the main food. I served and cleaned by myself. We were a good team and the holidays were wonderful! Now it is just my handicapped mom and me. She is an excellent cook still but she can no longer handle that amount of cooking and I never really inherited her talent for food preparation.

My second vent is that somehow because of my inclusion throughout the years of my Jewish in-laws at the holidays, they somehow think that I am in charge of providing them a secular Christmas every year because they have no place to go. I have never even been invited to a meal at my MILs home, let alone a holiday, but that’s another story.

I have done everything I can think of the let these relatives know that they must start contributing to the holiday get- togethers and that it includes hosting some of the time, but my request have fallen on deaf ears.
Last year for Thanksgiving I invited all out to dinner (I made sure to find an affordable place) and made it clear it was Dutch treat. It ended up being my mom, a couple of the children who live with her and my husband and my grown sons. They all bowed out, even the in-laws. I was told the price 25 a person was too high.

32 years of hosting and somehow I’m the bad guy.

Well, that’s one way to skin a cat–you get left with the people that you actually wanted to see and that wanted to see you. And now that the common ancestors have gone to their reward, it is about time for the younger generation to start establishing their own traditions.

However, $25 a head really is way, way too much–on no planet is that “affordable”. My entire family of five (counting the 2-year-old) often eats out for $30 total at our local Mexican place.

It’s too late now, but if you had it to do all over again, I would suggest just providing a pleasant venue, maybe the main course (for instance turkey at Thanksgiving) and doing one of those electronic sign up thingies for the potluck. You could also helpfully point guests to some of the places that provide Thanksgiving in a box (our local grocery store does that). Or you could honor your in-laws’ traditions and do Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

 

[His_helpmeet]

In fairness, I have a problem with people assuming responsibility for adults on holidays because “they have no place to go”. There is ALWAYS somewhere to go or something to do. Go to a homeless shelter and serve dinner on Christmas Eve. Go tobogganing if there is snow. Or just stay at home and have some family time, doing things you enjoy. It’s not YOUR responsibility to see that someone has “somewhere to go” on Christmas. In general, if people are truly motivated (assuming that they are not infirm) they can find something for themselves to do.

 

[LongingSoul]

This is a vent about my family and the holidays.

I was reading a post where the OP was talking about the matriarchs of the family deciding how the holidays should be celebrated when I realized that I have the opposite problem. The matriachs are all dead and I have been left with the task of providing Christmas for well over 40 grown people and that is not counting children.

Last year I was confronted by a cousin in-law who told me that she was upset because her family of 5 were not invited to Christmas dinner. I explained to her that I no longer have a large Christmas dinner because I work the day before and the day after. I am getting older and it is just too much on me.

I used to have a large Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner every year but I had help.
I no longer have help because my aunts and grandmother have passed away and my mother can barely walk or see anymore. For the past 30 years, I provided my house fully decorated, the bar, and table settings and all the goodies for 30+ people but mom, gram and aunts did the main food. I served and cleaned by myself. We were a good team and the holidays were wonderful! Now it is just my handicapped mom and me. She is an excellent cook still but she can no longer handle that amount of cooking and I never really inherited her talent for food preparation.

My second vent is that somehow because of my inclusion throughout the years of my Jewish in-laws at the holidays, they somehow think that I am in charge of providing them a secular Christmas every year because they have no place to go. I have never even been invited to a meal at my MILs home, let alone a holiday, but that’s another story.

I have done everything I can think of the let these relatives know that they must start contributing to the holiday get- togethers and that it includes hosting some of the time, but my request have fallen on deaf ears.
Last year for Thanksgiving I invited all out to dinner (I made sure to find an affordable place) and made it clear it was Dutch treat. It ended up being my mom, a couple of the children who live with her and my husband and my grown sons. They all bowed out, even the in-laws. I was told the price 25 a person was too high.

32 years of hosting and somehow I’m the bad guy.

I’m guessing that you would have loved being the host for the majority of those 32 years but then as kids began getting older and dynamics were changing… perhaps there were other unrelated tensions in the family… it’s began to feel wrong.

My mother hosted Christmases for a long, long. time (not 32 years admittedly) but when she decided to give it up, she gave everyone the heads up on the last Christmas Day she intended to host. That gave everyone a whole year to re think their options and ideas rather than go through the year thinking that they were ‘booked’ into Annes for next Christmas, only to find towards the end of the year, Anne had put a spanner in the works!

I feel your pain though. I’ve become the perpetual host for my H’s sister and some straggly relatives that have nowhere to go on these occasions. I’m still ok with it but I do get irritated when someone announces that they’ll be coming to ours, before we’ve even decided ourselves what to do.

 

[AussieTrish]

Perhaps your mother and you could announce that you are going away for a few days to celebrate Christmas after all your years of unselfish hospitality.
These people have taken a gift as a ‘right’. It’s abut time they looked after you, but if not, perhaps make a few days’ away a the option, or even just a couple of nights.

Even if your mother is disabled, I have friends who go away with severely disabled relatives. With planning it’s possible. Saving money on providing for the family could be spent in a brief pampering of your mother and you? If you consider $25 a head inexpensive then money can’t be too much of a problem, for example for the family of five you mention it would be $125. We couldn’t afford that nor could lots of people.

Others’ self-centered attitudes are basically their problem and you shouldn’t feel false guilt or allow yourself to feel emotionally manipulated. If relatives have so little appreciation and respect it’s their problem not yours.
The ones who respect and honor your position, these are the ones who are true family.
Hoping you free yourself to a blessed and happy Christmas.

 

[Catholic1954]

My parents solved the problem in a number of ways: Instead of dinner, they hosted desert and coffee only in the evening, and everyone made their own plans for dinner. Sometimes they would do potluck and ask everyone to bring a dish to share. And when they got really sick of these meals, they made plans to be out of town for the holiday and then they moved to an apartment that was way too small for more than 4 - 5 people to be in it at one time!

 

[Weejee]

Perhaps your mother and you could announce that you are going away for a few days to celebrate Christmas after all your years of unselfish hospitality.

Even if your mother is disabled, I have friends who go away with severely disabled relatives. With planning it’s possible.

Others’ self-centered attitudes are basically their problem and you shouldn’t feel false guilt or allow yourself to feel emotionally manipulated. If relatives have so little appreciation and respect it’s their problem not yours.
.

This suggestion seems about right. You’ll have to do something to shag this crowd. Maybe after you are away for a couple of years, the nicer people will realize what they have lost and INVITE YOU AND YOUR FOLKS for Christmas. :christmastree1: :christmastree1:

 

[UbiCaritas]

My parents solved the problem in a number of ways: Instead of dinner, they hosted desert and coffee only in the evening, and everyone made their own plans for dinner. Sometimes they would do potluck and ask everyone to bring a dish to share. And when they got really sick of these meals, they made plans to be out of town for the holiday and then they moved to an apartment that was way too small for more than 4 - 5 people to be in it at one time!

While I was in college, I spent the holidays at my best friends’ parents’ house. After the first year or two, the mom (who never particularly liked cooking in the first place) announced that she didn’t want to host anymore because of everything involved. We all really wanted it to happen, though, so we offered that if she’d just host and make the turkey, we’d bring everything else and clean up, too. She was fine with that, so we all split up responsibilities: I’d bring desserts, someone else would bring mashed potatoes and rolls, another person vegetables, etc. We all had a grand time, including her, and no one person had to deal with all the responsibility. It worked beautifully for us, but that’s because we were all willing to pitch in, which doesn’t sound like the case for the OP.

 

[Beryllos]

While I was in college, I spent the holidays at my best friends’ parents’ house. After the first year or two, the mom (who never particularly liked cooking in the first place) announced that she didn’t want to host anymore because of everything involved. We all really wanted it to happen, though, so we offered that if she’d just host and make the turkey, we’d bring everything else and clean up, too. She was fine with that, so we all split up responsibilities: I’d bring desserts, someone else would bring mashed potatoes and rolls, another person vegetables, etc. We all had a grand time, including her, and no one person had to deal with all the responsibility. It worked beautifully for us, but that’s because we were all willing to pitch in, which doesn’t sound like the case for the OP.

Pretty much the same on my wife’s side of the family. As the “aged ancestors” grew older and more frail, the celebrations were still held at their house, and this was agreeable because it became more difficult for them to travel. Year by year, their children and grandchildren contributed more and more toward the food and the labor, and everyone was happy with that.

 

[Xantippe]

Pretty much the same on my wife’s side of the family. As the “aged ancestors” grew older and more frail, the celebrations were still held at their house, and this was agreeable because it became more difficult for them to travel. Year by year, their children and grandchildren contributed more and more toward the food and the labor, and everyone was happy with that.

Yes, my family has had the same pattern. My grandparents are 93 and 89 and still hosting, but the aunties and uncles are doing more and more. (It’s normally around 15-20 people)

 

[KendraDZ1902]

30+ people? Whew that’s a lot!
If you are tired of hosting, it is perfectly fine to say that you are done with it. People can come up with their own plans. They can invite their immediate families over or whatever. Seems like it may be time for others to come up with their own holiday traditions.

 

[Neofight]

Life took my wife and I across the country from our families. And now the kids are grown and moved out, miles away themselves.

While we find comfort in our faith, and in our friends, both of us would give anything to be inconvenienced or taken advantage of, as many seem to feel they are, just to spend these Holy Days with family.

We would gladly offer up the work, hassle, and frustration in exchange for sharing this time of year with the people we love.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Life took my wife and I across the country from our families. And now the kids are grown and moved out, miles away themselves.

While we find comfort in our faith, and in our friends, both of us would give anything to be inconvenienced or taken advantage of, as many seem to feel they are, just to spend these Holy Days with family.

We would gladly offer up the work, hassle, and frustration in exchange for sharing this time of year with the people we love.

Really? Hubby and I are 8 hours away from family and it is such a hassle coming home for holidays. This year I’m home while hubby is deployed, so I get to be apart of all of the festivities. When we are away, it’s like a guilt trip if we can’t make it or if we can’t be home exactly on the holiday. Next year, hubby will be in the states and we have already decided that we are going to be selfish. We aren’t saving money to come home, we will be taking our first vacation together, after 3 years of marriage and no honeymoon. If they wanna see us, they are more than welcome to take the road trip.

 

[HopenHappiness]

If you like having the parties but not the work. Assign something to each family to bring, and then about 3 weeks before the get together. Send out a group email outlining what each person is bringing, it shames them into following through. After a while they will see it is fun to give and just not to receive. Also put those kids to good work and assign them clean up and dish duty.

Now if your sick of hosting, then just explain to the folks that you just don’t have time or energy to host at this time of your life but feel free to take over and just let me know what time Mom and Family need to be there.

As far as your in-laws goes, they are close family and before you know it they will be gone. And for your husbands sake I would be gracious and invite them. And it’s just not MIL’s, my DIL doesn’t socialize with our family much, which is a shame but my son and his friends and their wives and kids all come over, along with my immediate family and my SIL Family. For their first 7 years of marriage I bent over backwards for her, only to be insulted time after time and just bit my tongue, but then I realize that she doesn’t know any better, and now I just let everything roll over and life is good. I do pray she will join us someday, and I do I believe in miracles

 

[Xantippe]

Really? Hubby and I are 8 hours away from family and it is such a hassle coming home for holidays. This year I’m home while hubby is deployed, so I get to be apart of all of the festivities. When we are away, it’s like a guilt trip if we can’t make it or if we can’t be home exactly on the holiday. Next year, hubby will be in the states and we have already decided that we are going to be selfish. We aren’t saving money to come home, we will be taking our first vacation together, after 3 years of marriage and no honeymoon. If they wanna see us, they are more than welcome to take the road trip.

Yeah–that’s the other side of the coin. As a young couple with or without kids, it’s easy to find all of one’s travel being to family. Too much of that (especially when family goes on awesome vacations that never involve visiting you) can make a person crabby.

There needs to be a reasonable ratio of family travel vs. fun travel (for lack of a better term).

 

[Neofight]

Really? Hubby and I are 8 hours away from family and it is such a hassle coming home for holidays. This year I’m home while hubby is deployed, so I get to be apart of all of the festivities. When we are away, it’s like a guilt trip if we can’t make it or if we can’t be home exactly on the holiday. Next year, hubby will be in the states and we have already decided that we are going to be selfish. We aren’t saving money to come home, we will be taking our first vacation together, after 3 years of marriage and no honeymoon. If they wanna see us, they are more than welcome to take the road trip.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time after three years of Navy life.

I know its a hassle…during twenty years of missing birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and then every “vacation” spending precious leave time traveling back “home” was tough.

But, our family was a Navy family, and we took it as part of the sacrifice made by Navy families.

The Navy enlists sailors and reenlists families, so as your dear one approaches the end of his obligation (whether enlisted or commissioning), you may want to decide whether the Navy lifestyle is for you.

Thanks, to your husband for his service, and to you for tackling the role of the Navy wife; the toughest job in the Navy!

 

[As_for_my_House]

My parents solved the problem in a number of ways: Instead of dinner, they hosted desert and coffee only in the evening, and everyone made their own plans for dinner. Sometimes they would do potluck and ask everyone to bring a dish to share. And when they got really sick of these meals, they made plans to be out of town for the holiday and then they moved to an apartment that was way too small for more than 4 - 5 people to be in it at one time!

That’s exactly what my husband and I are planning to do. Move to a smaller place, not because of the holidays but because the area we live in is quite pricey and being self employed , and having lost half our income due to the economic changes that have taken place in these past 5 years or so. Though 25 a head for adults, free for the kiddies under 12, may seem like a lot, all these folks are used to going out for dinners regularly and plopping down a hundred or more for the check. They all have means or a least are willing to spend money in vacations and restaurants regularly. Eating at restaurants is something husband and I do not do. We calculated that we spend about 300.00 for the Thanks giving feast, so we would be saving by going out even if we treated some family.
I have a few poor relatives we planned to treat.

Also as you get older you get a little upset when young children run through your house with greasy hands, babies trying to climb up the stairs, spills on rugs, pulling and poking at my small dog. It’s just too much for me to see to. I’m exhausted for days if not weeks afterward.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Life took my wife and I across the country from our families. And now the kids are grown and moved out, miles away themselves.

While we find comfort in our faith, and in our friends, both of us would give anything to be inconvenienced or taken advantage of, as many seem to feel they are, just to spend these Holy Days with family.

We would gladly offer up the work, hassle, and frustration in exchange for sharing this time of year with the people we love.

I totally get what you are feeling. I feel this too. That is why it is so sad for me. But I just can’t do it anymore. And I wish it were Holy days we are celebrating but this generation is not celebrating them that way and that is hard for me. They are all Catholic( except for my Jewish in-laws), but they are all secular so Jesus is not a part of their celebration.

 

[As_for_my_House]

If you like having the parties but not the work. Assign something to each family to bring, and then about 3 weeks before the get together. Send out a group email outlining what each person is bringing, it shames them into following through. After a while they will see it is fun to give and just not to receive. Also put those kids to good work and assign them clean up and dish duty. I have they have no shame. The Children are too small, mostly toddlers and babies

Now if your sick of hosting, then just explain to the folks that you just don’t have time or energy to host at this time of your life but feel free to take over and just let me know what time Mom and Family need to be there**.(I did the complaining cousin promised to host Thanksgiving after I told her that it was too much on me, but she just called and pretended that she had never said anything about hosting, hence the reason for the rant**
As far as your in-laws goes, they are close family and before you know it they will be gone. And for your husbands sake I would be gracious and invite them. And it’s just not MIL’s, my DIL doesn’t socialize with our family much, which is a shame but my son and his friends and their wives and kids all come over, along with my immediate family and my SIL Family. For their first 7 years of marriage I bent over backwards for her, only to be insulted time after time and just bit my tongue, but then I realize that she doesn’t know any better, and now I just let everything roll over and life is good. I do pray she will join us someday, and I do I believe in miracles

You are correct but I still think they need to treat sometimes because MIL is very well off and I am a little hurt that they don’t get that. It just a MIL and Sil and her family which is now growing to a 3 generation.

 

[Xantippe]

You are correct but I still think they need to treat sometimes because MIL is very well off and I am a little hurt that they don’t get that. It just a MIL and Sil and her family which is now growing to a 3 generation.

Sounds like it is time to move on to each 3 generation family having their own Christmas and Thanksgiving. For the bigger get togethers, that’s what family reunions are for…

As I mentioned upthread, my 80-something and 90-something grandparents are still hosting our family holidays (with a lot more help from their kids and grandkids now).

I kind of dread what’s going to happen when my grandparents go to their reward or are to frail to carry on, because my parents simply aren’t up to carrying on the torch. They outsourced our holidays and birthdays 95% to my grandparents growing up, and to this day, my parents are still a bit unclear on the whole “hospitality” concept. Good thing I have lots of practice doing Thanksgiving and Christmas for our nuclear family…