My estranged father died, and his family is placing the blame on me!

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SamTheNewfie

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My father just died due to complications from alcohol abuse. I hadn’t spoken to him in several years. Here goes the back story: My mother left him when I was very young due to his infidelities, substance abuse, and inability to keep a job. I liked him alright on visitations, but I hated staying with him for long. Everything really went sour when he tried to take custody by spreading lies about my mom’s family. I didn’t speak to him throughout my teenage years. I eventually started making contact with him, but I never really felt comfortable around him. He’d say the weirdest things and call me by his girlfriend’s daughter’s name. The last straw was when he told me he was “getting fixed” and leaving his gf so he didn’t have to worry about being saddled with another child. I just couldn’t handle being around him any longer. He made me feel very uncomfortable.

Flash forward to recently, and he’s calling my mother and I extremely intoxicated. When I call his parents to inform them they blame me for his drinking, saying if I had stayed in his life he would have a reason to stay away from the bottle. I hang up, and then my step-father calls them to say how hurtful and wrong what they did to me was. They convince my mother and me to call him to plead for him to stop drinking. It ultimately doesn’t work, and I get a call from the cops that he has died a few weeks later.

Now, his family has gone ballistic. Several defriended me on Facebook, and when I call to say how hurtful it is, they lay into me on how I was a horrible daughter and should feel far worse than I seem. It hit the fan last night when my paternal grandmother starts rambling that my family are horrible people. She claimed my dad lost custody because we were secretly related to the judge, that my maternal grandfather(who is extremely moral and ethical) helped my mother cheat through college, and that I told people my dad molested me when I was 13 to avoid his control(total lie).

I toss and turn all night angry I didn’t stick up for my family better. I call her the next morning after not sleeping a wink and call her an enabler who is pushing responsibility on everyone but herself. I then say that my maternal grandparents raised wonderful upstanding citizens who went to the best schools in the country, were faithful to their spouses, never abused substances, and raised great children themselves. She then goes utterly crazy saying that I’m unhuman, that my grandfather his helping me cheat in college, that my mother had a baby with another man during the marriage(false), that my maternal uncle is an alcoholic(not true- he’s an athletic director at an ivy league school), and that I said I “lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want.” She then says I’m a “vulgar girl” and that no man will ever want to touch me. I hang up

She’s been on SSRI’s in the past. I think she might be mentally ill. Her family creeps me out. Some people say I should get a restraining order. I’m so lost. What responsibility do I have to these people?
 
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SamTheNewfie:
None.But they a right to behave the way they do. Free people do wrong things. You did what you thought was best but everything collapsed. Dont hate them, dont expect them to behave rationally and pray for you father.
My opinion.
 
I wouldn’t lose a moment of sleep over people like that. You don’t need to speak with any of them. If you choose to go to the funeral so they can’t say you didn’t show up, then keep to yourself and leave as soon as they start to abuse you. You owe them nothing but the cool disregard you would have for any other crazy person verbally assaulting you. Get on with your life.
 
Who is she saying these things to? If it’s just to you, then don’t have contact with her at all. No need - she doesn’t want it and you’re not going to gain or give anything good from the association. Pray for her, and make her your special intention to drag her (and any of the other relatives) to Heaven with you.

If she’s saying this stuff to someone else then you may have more of a problem. Depending on who the person/people are, you might have to take some action.

I really don’t know what you could do - I have a MIL who says some very stupid things sometimes, but nothing so bad that I have any right to cut off ties, all just very annoying or insulting. I can’t do anything to stop her because she doesn’t think rationally or argue logically. She argues to win, so she’ll fight dirty. Best not to engage.

Stay away from them as much as you can and ignore the venom. That’s all I can suggest.
 
Please don’t buy into this unreasonable behavior. They have loss, but you are not responsible for their sorrow or attitudes, nor for your Dad’s choices.
Your paternal grandmother may have some mental issues.
Don’t drink one drop of the poison.
Your responsibility is certainly to pray for this family, but not to allow anyone to harm you.
You already had lost your Dad, as it appears that his substance abuse already robbed his mind.

Please don’t blame yourself for not ‘sticking up for’ your family better, Love, it wouldn’t have done any good. It would just have wearied and upset you. Their responses and attitudes aren’t reasonable so you can’t reach them on a reasonable level.

I thank God that you have been personally protected by your mother and her family, allowing you to be who you are, obviously kind, sensible, and good.
That is a priceless treasure the other side of the family lack, so you have been very blessed.
They are sadly unfortunate and appear to need much prayer, remembering that Jesus said, “Pray for your enemies.”

It is not unreasonable or uncharitable for you to avoid contact with the paternal side.

If you do what you feel is right, like going to the funeral if you feel able to, then you have the knowledge you did the best you could manage, but do have someone protective with you, and I don’t think I’d hang around, but leave without getting involved in the Wake if there is one. However please know that if anyone berates you or is unkind, you don’t deserve it. It is their issue not yours.
Please do remember, it is their issue, not yours.

My prayers, hugs, Trishie
 
You have absolutely no obligation towards them. You have experienced abuse. Them trying to blame you for your father alcoholism is simply disgusting. You are not to blame for that in any way.

Put this behind you and have a good life.
 
I’d suggest giving them as wide a berth as possible, and praying for everyone concerned. I’d also suggest at least picking up some of the literature from AlAnon, a twelve-step program for the families of alcoholics and other grossly dysfunctional people. The trauma of living with an alcoholic (your father) as well as the influence of his family, who, to put it kindly, have “issues,” can rise up later in life and really bite you in a number of ways. Matter of fact, it’s nearly impossible to get through things like this without being at least somewhat traumatized. Why should you suffer because of other people’s illness?
 
What these people are doing is bullying you. It is called emotional abuse. You don’t owe them anything. Sometimes, due to the toxicity of the dynamics of the family you may have to make the hard choice of having nothing to do with them. Believe me, I am speaking from experience. You are being made into the scapegoat. Your father through his own choice and illness-yes-alcoholism is an illness-drank excessively. No one put a gun to his head to drink. You are not to blame in any way-please don’t let them do this to you. Thank goodness you still have your mom and grandparents-stay with them and don’t let anyone ever bully or put blame on you. You don’t deserve this. Through grief sometimes people act stupid, too but your father’s side of the family-you may need to keep your distance. They may be your grandparents but they seem like bullies to me. God loves you-and that is the most important thing to keep in mind-and remember to give it all to God in prayers. Sometimes prayers do work powerful things for you such as a conversion of one’s hearts. :gopray2::console::harp::blessyou:

PS-please accept my heart-felt sympathy for the loss of your father-Hugs…
 
Dear SamtheNewfie,while we offer our sympathy on the death of your father,please try to understand the hideous tide of emotions that are going on around you .Dr .Elizabeth Kluber-Ross would explain the stages of grief…Anger,denial,guilt,depression,acceptance. It would appear that your father’s family are at l;east in the four stages of grief especially anger and gullt.People in grief look to someone or something to blame,a doctor,hospital the Church,God,people like yourself .In your conscience you know that it was NOT YOU that caused this unfortunate death.Your father was given free will,the choice to choose.He choose the way of alcoholism which unfortunately caused his untimely death.This had nothing,nothing to do with you. His family is lashing out at everybody,it is their problem,not yours.It would appear they are in a state of anger and depression.People like this, while grieving will not listen to common sense. They.like yourself need to grieve. I can only suggest that you back off ;let them grieve and pray hard that they will come to that final stage of acceptance and realise that you or your mother had nothing at all to do with the unfortunate demise of you father. May he rest in peace.God bless and support you in this most difficult time of your life. Best wishes :sad_yes::hug3::bighanky::sad_bye:
 
Saburo said:
I wouldn’t lose a moment of sleep over people like that. You don’t need to speak with any of them. If you choose to go to the funeral so they can’t say you didn’t show up, then keep to yourself and leave as soon as they start to abuse you. You owe them nothing but the cool disregard you would have for any other crazy person verbally assaulting you. Get on with your life.
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i so agree with this poster
you are in my prayers
 
The only person responsible for your dad’s alcoholism is himself. Your family feels guilty for his own problems and are trying to take it out on you for his death. Pray for his soul and for his family, otherwise you have no obligation to keep in contact with them. I would suggest that you stop contacting them to tell them how they are hurting you though. Let them stew in their own misery and do not allow them the benefit of what they are saying hurt you; as you know that what they say are lies anyway. Simply pray for them and their conversions.

BTW, my DH is a recovering alcoholic, he has been sober for nearly five yrs now. He recognized that the only person he could blame for his actions was himself. I also had to learn that his problems were not mine to make better. Prayer was the only thing that helped our situation and some marriage counseling 🙂

God Bless and good luck.
 
Your father and his family, primarily his Mom, are dysfunctional. You can not be around crazy makers. This was never your problem and it is nuts to dump this on you. Let go. Learn from the experience. Stay away from people like this.
 
You in NO WAY have any responsibility for the choices your father made in pouring alcohol down his throat. That was his choice alone. Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise.
 
SamTheNewfie said:
My father just died due to complications from alcohol abuse. I hadn’t spoken to him in several years. Here goes the back story: My mother left him when I was very young due to his infidelities, substance abuse, and inability to keep a job. I liked him alright on visitations, but I hated staying with him for long. Everything really went sour when he tried to take custody by spreading lies about my mom’s family. I didn’t speak to him throughout my teenage years. I eventually started making contact with him, but I never really felt comfortable around him. He’d say the weirdest things and call me by his girlfriend’s daughter’s name. The last straw was when he told me he was “getting fixed” and leaving his gf so he didn’t have to worry about being saddled with another child. I just couldn’t handle being around him any longer. He made me feel very uncomfortable.

Flash forward to recently, and he’s calling my mother and I extremely intoxicated. When I call his parents to inform them they blame me for his drinking, saying if I had stayed in his life he would have a reason to stay away from the bottle. I hang up, and then my step-father calls them to say how hurtful and wrong what they did to me was. They convince my mother and me to call him to plead for him to stop drinking. It ultimately doesn’t work, and I get a call from the cops that he has died a few weeks later.

Now, his family has gone ballistic. Several defriended me on Facebook, and when I call to say how hurtful it is, they lay into me on how I was a horrible daughter and should feel far worse than I seem. It hit the fan last night when my paternal grandmother starts rambling that my family are horrible people. She claimed my dad lost custody because we were secretly related to the judge, that my maternal grandfather(who is extremely moral and ethical) helped my mother cheat through college, and that I told people my dad molested me when I was 13 to avoid his control(total lie).

I toss and turn all night angry I didn’t stick up for my family better. I call her the next morning after not sleeping a wink and call her an enabler who is pushing responsibility on everyone but herself. I then say that my maternal grandparents raised wonderful upstanding citizens who went to the best schools in the country, were faithful to their spouses, never abused substances, and raised great children themselves. She then goes utterly crazy saying that I’m unhuman, that my grandfather his helping me cheat in college, that my mother had a baby with another man during the marriage(false), that my maternal uncle is an alcoholic(not true- he’s an athletic director at an ivy league school), and that I said I “lie, cheat, and steal to get what I want.” She then says I’m a “vulgar girl” and that no man will ever want to touch me. I hang up

She’s been on SSRI’s in the past. I think she might be mentally ill. Her family creeps me out. Some people say I should get a restraining order. I’m so lost. What responsibility do I have to these people?
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Stay away from them. They are mentally ill and toxic. Take no responsibility for any of their actions.

You had every right to limit your contact with a toxic alcoholic father. You have every right to stand up for yourself and your family.

SSRI’s eh? Sounds like she needs more than SSRI’s!!!

Stay away from all of them…they are sick and too hurtful and dangerous. You are way better and classier than them.
 
I wouldn’t bother going to the funeral either. They will just spit verbal abuse at you.

Stay away.
 
OP, close to the end of your post, you said some people think you should get a restraining order from your father’s family. What are they seeing that they are suggesting this to you? If other people can see the abuse, both verbal and emotionally, and if they are concerned it could be come physical, maybe talking to someone in a professional capacity would help you, especially someone with in the police department. At the very least, I’d start documenting anything they have said to you, how many time they try to call you or make contact with you, etc. etc.

I’m also with Serap, I’d be having second thoughts about attending any funeral arrangements. And if I did decide to go, I’d take the biggest guy I know or surround myself with people I feel safe with at least.

There is NOTHING normal about your father’s family. I wouldn’t have any more contact with them period. Your gut told you in the past that you needed to take yourself out of your father’s life for a reason. The family sounds disturbed and unpredictable. Stay safe.
 
PatriceA said:
OP, close to the end of your post, you said some people think you should get a restraining order from your father’s family. What are they seeing that they are suggesting this to you?
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My mother’s side of the family of the family thinks they are crazy. My maternal grandmother is a brutally honest little French-Canadian woman who is not short on words. My mother is highly educated and opinionated and isn’t afraid to tell me the truth about them anymore. They said how members of his family has had mental health issues and trouble with the law. My mother emphasized that my father and his mother were/are pathological liars, and that I can’t let them bring me down. Her mother reminded me what a horrible father he was and how he never financially supported me and chose to lead a party lifestyle instead, so I should feel zero guilt. After hearing what they said about her daughter, son, and husband, she actually got on the phone and said that had they raised me I’d be a drunk who got pregnant before marriage like their other children. She also said that I grew up into a wonderful adult who she’s proud of more than anything. My paternal grandfather swore at her.

I will admit to saying some uncharitable thing the final time I spoke with them. I couldn’t stand the lies about my family, but I hung up before it got really bad. I can only pray for them now.

There isn’t going to be a funeral, so at least I don’t have to fret about that.
 
odile53 said:
I’d suggest giving them as wide a berth as possible, and praying for everyone concerned. I’d also suggest at least picking up some of the literature from AlAnon, a twelve-step program for the families of alcoholics and other grossly dysfunctional people. The trauma of living with an alcoholic (your father) as well as the influence of his family, who, to put it kindly, have “issues,” can rise up later in life and really bite you in a number of ways. Matter of fact, it’s nearly impossible to get through things like this without being at least somewhat traumatized. Why should you suffer because of other people’s illness?
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As odile53 said, get to an Alanon meeting as fast as you can. And keep going! You need to learn how you have been affected by growing up in a dysfunctional family, and how to relearn who you are responsible for - YOU. No one else. Get lots of literature. Talk to members. Look for open discussion or adult child meetings. This organization saved my marriage. I had no idea how other peoples’ drinking in my family influenced how I responded to my husband, children and anyone else I had any relationship with at all. It changed my life dramatically and even led me back to my Higher Power whom I choose to call God.
 
do we have a “got the Tshirt” emoticon?
Rule number one: when people blame you for something beyond your control, especially when it is a matter in which they do have personal involvement, the reason for their anger is guilt. They cannot direct the anger in the proper direction–toward themselves, or toward the person who died/left/deserted/hurt/betrayed etc–so they find a convenient target and you get caught in the headlights.

The angrier their attack, the greater degree of guilt they are wallowing in. Pray for them. Write off their attack and put it down to excessive grief, which is an occasion for a lot of forgiveness.

for you: join al-anon or al-ateen, whatever is appropriate for your age group, because this is one place where they will concentrate on you, your needs, and your recovery and healing from the damage you suffered because if this persons’ drinking. Let the rest of the family grieve and recover in their own way, but do not allow them to impede your healing. If that means write them off (unfriending or whatever it is called now) then do it. Your priority now is your own mental and spiritual health, and then when you are able, the well-being of your mother and siblings.
 
SamTheNewfie said:
My mother’s side of the family of the family thinks they are crazy. My maternal grandmother is a brutally honest little French-Canadian woman who is not short on words. My mother is highly educated and opinionated and isn’t afraid to tell me the truth about them anymore. They said how members of his family has had mental health issues and trouble with the law. My mother emphasized that my father and his mother were/are pathological liars, and that I can’t let them bring me down. Her mother reminded me what a horrible father he was and how he never financially supported me and chose to lead a party lifestyle instead, so I should feel zero guilt. After hearing what they said about her daughter, son, and husband, she actually got on the phone and said that had they raised me I’d be a drunk who got pregnant before marriage like their other children. She also said that I grew up into a wonderful adult who she’s proud of more than anything. My paternal grandfather swore at her.

I will admit to saying some uncharitable thing the final time I spoke with them. I couldn’t stand the lies about my family, but I hung up before it got really bad. I can only pray for them now.

There isn’t going to be a funeral, so at least I don’t have to fret about that.
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Please go to an Al-Anon meeting, you will find help and support for the frustrations of growing up with an alcoholic parent, or having any contact with him or his family. You are not alone, and when you hear your story told in the rooms of Al-Anon, you will realize that you are not crazy and not to blame for anyone’s alcoholism. It is a disease.

Al-Anon/Alateen
 
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