My estranged father died, and his family is placing the blame on me!

[Lovemyfaith]

Don’t worry about it.
My husband’s father left the family when my husband was 9 and really never looked back. Through another relative, my husband got his dad’s phone number and called several years after we were married. Honestly, I was really nervous about that call, but it is important to try to mend fences and forgive. Well, his dad didn’t change, still was pretty awful and started calling our family while intoxicated and generally was a pain to deal with. We tried to offer support but he really didn’t want to change and the most annoying part was my husband’s step mother blamed my husband when his father finally died. I think she was probably happy to have a someone to point to as the problem so she didn’t have to face the fact that her husband was the problem. Your grandmother might think revisionist history makes her son a great guy, but it doesn’t.

It bugs me beyond words when families refuse to support each other. You would think in such a big and sometimes unfriendly world that the people who share the same blood as you would want to support each other. Your grandmother doesn’t have to blame you to prove she loves her son. In fact she doesn’t have to not love her son. She should recognize that her son had a problem. After all, plenty of people have circumstances worse that he had with estranged family members, and do not turn to alcohol.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m so sorry you lost your dad. That is never easy, but especiallly not when the circumstances of his life and your relationship with him were difficult and included unresolved issues.

Whatever is wrong with your paternal grandparents, it is not yours to fix. Any attempts to set the record straight with them are highly unlikely to have good results, especially not so soon after your father’s death. Your father has reached the point where he doesn’t need anyone to “stick up for him” with anyone except to offer prayers for his soul to Heaven, which all of us need. It does no good to blame him or anyone else for his death or for the imperfections that surrounded his life. Finding fault won’t bring him back.

It would have been better not to call your grandmother and accuse her of anything, but that is water under the bridge, as well. You lost a father, she lost a son, both of you are very likely to feel all sorts of emotions over this untimely death, and neither of you are likely to be thinking straight. You can’t really know what family dynamics had to do with your father’s death, if any. You can accept that you don’t need to know. You can accept that whatever happened in your dad’s family, it can’t be changed now. That is OK. If the conversation comes up, I think a simple, “Grandma, I was hurting over Dad’s death when I called you, and I said some things I had no business saying. I wish I hadn’t ever said such things, especially not after Dad died. I know I can’t take them back, but I wish I could. I’m so sorry.” She can accept that apology or not, she can apologize to you or not. Accept that she may not either accept your apology or offer her own to you. Whatever she says, if it doesn’t help heal your relationship, just let it go. Whatever you do, don’t let her get you started again. Whatever she is angry about, just say “I’m sorry you feel that way, Grandma”, and let it go.

Now, you are going to rightly feel that this is not fair. You were provoked. Do yourself a favor and do not go there. Don’t make excuses, don’t make counter-accusations, no matter how well-deserved. Ask for forgiveness for your mistakes, be ready to forgive those who made mistakes in how they treated you, and work toward the place where you can give it to God and therefore can let it all go.

That does not mean I think you should initiate a conversation about this right now. I think it would be a good idea to let your dad’s family to their own devices right now. If they don’t call you, you’d probably do well not to call them. In the meantime, please get some pastoral counselling to help you grieve and to help you let go of the harm exchange that you’ve described. You’ll need help to work through your feelings of guilt and anger, so that you can forgive everyone involved and move on. You might find help a support group such as Al-Anon or Alateen; this is something a grief counsellor could help you with.

Some time down the line, you’ll be in a better position to decide what relationship, if any, you want with your dad’s family. It would probably be best to allow that to remain an unanswered question. These are not the kind of things that you come to terms with in a day or even within months, and sometimes it takes years. Accept that, get yourself support from outside your family circle, hang in there, and keep your eye on the big picture: That is, that God intends to make you all fit for heaven one day, and that God is infinitely capable of bringing about that day when “every valley shall be filled and every mountain and hill shall be made low. The winding roads shall be made straight, and the rough ways made smooth, and all flesh shall see the salvation of God”. (Luke 3:5)

Help God to bring about that day, believe that God can do it, and you’ll be able to believe that God can make your way with your dad’s family smooth, as well. If not in this life, then the next: God can do it.

You did the best you knew to do at the time. You did nothing unforgiveable. As long as you are willing to forgive, your dad didn’t, either. There is mercy for anything you’ve ever done, provided you are willing to repent and accept that God’s mercy is for everyone. Please find someone to help you believe these things deep in your heart, so you can come to peace with your dad’s difficult life and get on with your own journey through this vale of tears.

If they threaten you, by all means get a restraining order and take steps to keep yourself safe from whatever danger they pose to you. Domestic danger is real danger. Otherwise, you might try Melody Beattie’s “Co-Dependent No More” in order to help keep yourself out of any more heart-wrenching dramas such as you’ve had to go through.

May God bless you and keep you. I hope you’ll find a place of peace about this very soon.

 

[ScareBear]

I’m with the above posters! (I also need the “got the tee shirt” emoticon.)

“Detach with love.” Cut these people off. You owe it to yourself.

Everything that needs to be said has been said. Remember his death is most certainly not your fault.

:hug1:

Hang in there! I will pray for you.

 

[Blacksword]

Sam,

I am very sorry for the loss of your father, and that the relationship itself has been so difficult. I will pray for you and your family for healing. . May the Lord grant you peace, and may He be merciful to your father, that his soul would be at peace as well, troubled though his life apparently was.

If you have any inkling of reason to suspect danger from his family, I would definitely seek legal protection. You do not owe such hateful and angry people anything, though I am sorry for you that things with a set of grandparents are so bitter. Blessings to you!