My faith and my current struggle

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Bmelc

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This question is related to a time in my life where I am constantly being tempted to be a part of another church for the sake of a past relationship with a girl who I care for and love enough to die for. I just wanted to mention my current state before I get into the issue.
Non-denominational. It is a term that I got used to hearing once I met my girlfriend in the relationship.

This is ultimately upsetting and makes me feel terrible. I look at this type of church in my area that my ex-girlfriend now belongs too and I see the website, I see the service (since I went to a few in the past with her), I see the people enjoying the music, the healing (parts where the church lead will stand in the center and pray over others), the singing, dancing, and ending it all with conversational elements afterwards, happy faces, and everyone there seems to enjoy life to the fullest. Even a youth group of others our age, we are both 27. There is no Eucharist. No sacraments, with the exception of baptisms. But still there is a relationship apparently that they have with the lord.
Now, as you might be wondering, religion is what broke us apart. I stood firm in my faith and so did she. We have different ideas of raising children within the church, contraception, and where we would go to church.

All of this hurts and has for about 4 months since we broke up. I pray (continually), receive the Eucharist, go to mass every week, pray in adoration, ask priests for advice, and ask my peers at church for advice. I am stuck. I love someone who I can’t have because religion is in the middle. We have everything else in life but religion is what lies between us and starting a family and a dream for each other. I want to find a solution, so badly that I am willing to speak out on here for everyone to see (I’m a fairly private guy), and more importantly I tend to not be overly emotional about things. However, as you can see, this is tearing my heart apart and I don’t know what to do. Sure, their churches look great, have these benefits that I can see for people to understand. They even are starting a bible college of some kind in my town! And I know the pastor since he was in my high school graduating class! I just look at my life now and say why can’t I go through with it. Then I ask myself this question, can I afford the costs of doing it?

Any help would be appreciated. I appreciate catholic answers and EWTN radio who thus far keep my faith strong. I also read, more then I ever have, and those books in particular (St. Francis DeSales, Devout life).
 
I was just reading Jn 6. Where many of his disciples return to their former way of life because they could’t accept the Bread of Life Discourse.

Anyway, just trust that whatever you do, God has your back if you don’t turn your back on him.
 
It is time to move on. Avoid looking up this church on the internet, stop thinking about this lost relationship with an unsuitable partner in marriage; start focusing on the present and look for a nice Catholic girl to settle down with and marry. This church sounds like a very nice group of sincere, god-loving people but they have substituted activities and music for the fullness of faith. The Catholic Church has the Eucharist, NOTHING can get you closer to God than that.
 
I never wanted to segment to one side of a girls faith. I mean if she doesn’t believe at all in God then that is different. I respect your opinion but that is my preference. To me, life is full of check boxes, and even if you feel that you selected all of the right ones, you still may not find happiness because then where is the search for goodness in others? I have many blessings in my life and I am fortunate, but I don’t need to limit to only a catholic girl or catholic girl friendships in my life. I never will have a guarantee and didn’t want to have one until I met her.
 
Bmelc said:
This question is related to a time in my life where I am constantly being tempted to be a part of another church for the sake of a past relationship with a girl who I care for and love enough to die for. I just wanted to mention my current state before I get into the issue.
Non-denominational. It is a term that I got used to hearing once I met my girlfriend in the relationship.

This is ultimately upsetting and makes me feel terrible. I look at this type of church in my area that my ex-girlfriend now belongs too and I see the website, I see the service (since I went to a few in the past with her), I see the people enjoying the music, the healing (parts where the church lead will stand in the center and pray over others), the singing, dancing, and ending it all with conversational elements afterwards, happy faces, and everyone there seems to enjoy life to the fullest. Even a youth group of others our age, we are both 27. There is no Eucharist. No sacraments, with the exception of baptisms. But still there is a relationship apparently that they have with the lord.
Now, as you might be wondering, religion is what broke us apart. I stood firm in my faith and so did she. We have different ideas of raising children within the church, contraception, and where we would go to church.

All of this hurts and has for about 4 months since we broke up. I pray (continually), receive the Eucharist, go to mass every week, pray in adoration, ask priests for advice, and ask my peers at church for advice. I am stuck. I love someone who I can’t have because religion is in the middle. We have everything else in life but religion is what lies between us and starting a family and a dream for each other. I want to find a solution, so badly that I am willing to speak out on here for everyone to see (I’m a fairly private guy), and more importantly I tend to not be overly emotional about things. However, as you can see, this is tearing my heart apart and I don’t know what to do. Sure, their churches look great, have these benefits that I can see for people to understand. They even are starting a bible college of some kind in my town! And I know the pastor since he was in my high school graduating class! I just look at my life now and say why can’t I go through with it. Then I ask myself this question, can I afford the costs of doing it?

Any help would be appreciated. I appreciate catholic answers and EWTN radio who thus far keep my faith strong. I also read, more then I ever have, and those books in particular (St. Francis DeSales, Devout life).
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A few thoughts:
  1. In some of these Protestant churches (and probably especially non-denominational ones), happy is mandatory. It’s not allowed to have any kind of emotional range.
I don’t know this person’s other work, but this is a good description of the oppressiveness of the mandatory happiness regime:

patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/2012/09/emotional-control-mandatory-happiness/
  1. People in cults are always supposed to be happy. It’s a cult specialty.
  2. Long term, you wouldn’t be able to respect your ex-girlfriend’s faith, even if you converted.
  3. You are a relatively young guy. There are many nice Catholic women your age ready to console you, once you’ve gotten over your ex-girlfriend.
  4. You and your girlfriend wanted dramatically different things, not “just” religion. You want a Catholic home and she wants a non-denominational Protestant home.
  5. You’re doing the right thing. In addition to books and media, get out there and meet good Catholic people.
It’s aimed at women, but I think you might get a lot out of the archives of Seraphic Singles and reading her book (“The Closet’s All Mine!”:

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/

Again, it’s intended for a single female audience, but it will give you some insight into where your single Catholic peers are and what they are doing.

Best wishes!
 
Bmelc said:
I never wanted to segment to one side of a girls faith. I mean if she doesn’t believe at all in God then that is different. I respect your opinion but that is my preference. To me, life is full of check boxes, and even if you feel that you selected all of the right ones, you still may not find happiness because then where is the search for goodness in others? I have many blessings in my life and I am fortunate, but I don’t need to limit to only a catholic girl or catholic girl friendships in my life. I never will have a guarantee and didn’t want to have one until I met her.
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I mentioned Jn 6 because; life is not about finding happiness. It’s about your relationship with God #1 and your relationships with other people #2. Of course you don’t need to limit to a Catholic girl, but Catholic 1954 is probably speaking from expierience. And a Catholic guy + a Catholic girl is a safer bet for a poster to get behind.
 
Thank you Xantippe. I appreciate the advice very much. However, as I just said in my previous post. I don’t want to segment to catholic girls in my life.

Also, I am unsure as to your point with what you said about cults. I wouldn’t feel that that is the right way to put what they are doing. It is not a cult in the sense of them being attached excessively or completely tied into their lives. I feel it may be the opposite after some time for some of them. People may come and go because they are not feeling attached enough, constantly hoping to find something that will click or a person or church that they can connect with enough. I am just stating from a thought where if you have an issue with what a pastor says or if the community there is not connecting enough. Similar to how I was previously searching for Catholics outside of the church, which is tough from my personal experience. But in the end I found them.

To my knowledge, our faith teaches us that we do not need to struggle to find this person or group. It is the church ultimately. It is the priests and deacons who give their lives for God only who are responsible which should make the pressure less in turn for us.
 
Bmelc said:
Thank you Xantippe. I appreciate the advice very much. However, as I just said in my previous post. I don’t want to segment to catholic girls in my life.

Also, I am unsure as to your point with what you said about cults. I wouldn’t feel that that is the right way to put what they are doing. It is not a cult in the sense of them being attached excessively or completely tied into their lives. I feel it may be the opposite after some time for some of them. People may come and go because they are not feeling attached enough, constantly hoping to find something that will click or a person or church that they can connect with enough. I am just stating from a thought where if you have an issue with what a pastor says or if the community there is not connecting enough. Similar to how I was previously searching for Catholics outside of the church, which is tough from my personal experience. But in the end I found them.

To my knowledge, our faith teaches us that we do not need to struggle to find this person or group. It is the church ultimately. It is the priests and deacons who give their lives for God only who are responsible which should make the pressure less in turn for us.
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I’m just encouraging you to be more skeptical about the appearance of happiness. In some Protestant groups (especially non-denominational), not being happy just isn’t allowed. One is supposed to paste on a smile, no matter how much one is suffering inside. That is a view that one encounters among individual Catholics (including on this site), but it’s an explicit ideology in large segments of the Evangelical Protestant world.
 
The Bible states that one can only be worthy of Jesus is if he is willing to “hate” (I.e.,place Jesus ahead of), anything and everything. I believe this was told to the disciples, all the believers, not only the 12 apostles. So, difficult as it is, there is your answer. Yes, you love this girl, and it doesn’t even sound as if her church is all bad. But, it is imperative that you put Our Lord ahead of anyone and everything else-this girl, her church, other friends…
Idolatry, which, simply put, is placing anyone or anything above the Lord Jesus Christ, is a most serious sin. Don’t fall into it!
 
Hello bmelc,

Here are two observations for you. I hope you take them to heart.

Firstly, you are just 4 months post break-up with this girl. Breaking off a relationship is exactly like experiencing a death and one goes through the same stages of grief with each. The description you wrote sounds very mych like you are in the “bargaining” stage because although you admit the relationship is over due to insurmountable differences, you are still lurking around sites and situations that remind you of the ex. That will only open your wounds and rub salt into them. Why would you or anyone do that? It’s because at some level, you are wishing for the magic bullet that will allow you to get what you want - which in this case is an idealized version of a romantic relationship with her that you have imagined.

Secondly, you wrote that the two of you had “everything” except for this one issue with religion. Sadly, that isn’t even close to being correct.

When a couple becomes one in marriage, if they are truly following God’s plan for the sacrament, they come together to worship Him and to bring His love into their marriage to fortify themselves in their love for each other. Each spouse sacrafices everything for the good of the other. You become helpmates for each other on your journey to see the face of God.

Honey, you two couldn’t begin to do those things because you hadn’t even come to an agreement on where to find the Church that Jesus founded or the sacraments that He instituted…much less on how you would incorporate His teachings into your family life, to teach your children, and to be able to help each other get to Heaven.

I understand what you are saying about not wanting to limit your possibilities by dating only this or that type of girl. It is difficult enough today just to find a mate who has some kind of moral compass without reducing the number of possible candidates. But really, if you truly believe that you are following the will of God by being in communion with Him through His Church, how can you possibly think that someone who does not also share that same belief will be an equally yoked partner, a woman who can be relied upon to teach your children and bring them to the faith, a spouse who completely understands that in marriage sometimes each must sacrifice for the good of the other.

Perhaps, before thinking about where to find your next girlfriend, you should heal from the trauma of this split. It might not be a bad idea to do grief counseling for that purpose.

Then, once you are feeling stong enough to be able to move around without stalking the ex or trolling the website of her religious group, you can get out there and start meeting people.

May I suggest that you begin by volunteering in a group or ministry that holds a special meanimg for you? It will put you in contact with like minded people - whether it brings you into contact with a female volunteer who catches your eye or a new friend who introduces you to a friend or relative, at least you’ll be starting out with someone who shares your same values and beliefs. At this late stage of life, I assure you that my experience indicates that there is no way to over value the importance of that when building a life with your mate.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.
,
 
Bmelc said:
This is ultimately upsetting and makes me feel terrible. I look at this type of church in my area that my ex-girlfriend now belongs too and I see the website, I see the service (since I went to a few in the past with her), I see the people enjoying the music, the healing (parts where the church lead will stand in the center and pray over others), the singing, dancing, and ending it all with conversational elements afterwards, happy faces, and everyone there seems to enjoy life to the fullest. Even a youth group of others our age, we are both 27. There is no Eucharist. No sacraments, with the exception of baptisms. But still there is a relationship apparently that they have with the lord.
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I was just curious did she go to your Church with you and what did she think? (likes/dislikes?)
Bmelc said:
Now, as you might be wondering, religion is what broke us apart. I stood firm in my faith and so did she. We have different ideas of raising children within the church, contraception, and where we would go to church.
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I give you a lot of credit, because you are aware and able to point out the biggest issue here. You both being strong in your Faiths would be a very large wall between the 2 of you, if you were to get married. If you came to a point in life that you were willing to give in to her and drop your own Faith, this would eat at you for the rest of your life. I could see it causing resentment and place an even larger wall between the 2 of you.

God Bless, you are a much stronger Catholic at 27 than I was.
 
Bmelc:

i feel for your situation.
and i also appreciate your maturity and understanding of your situation.

a couple of thoughts

our life here can seem to be filled with pain and difficult challenges, but in reality are examples of God’s love for you- and a chance to show your love to Him

you discuss your catholic faith and your devotion to it. now, you have been presented opportunity to live that faith.

mortify yourself of earthly desires and attach yourself to God- he who denounces his own will and does God’s will is truly learned.

You describe a nice girl. but if you follow her and her path, does it get you closer to God?Does it take you farther away from him?

st paul discusses suffering in Phillipians as a way for him to be like christ, and i have read corinthians many times for this message:

Another dimension of Paul’s thought on the meaning of suffering is his conception of suffering as a means for sanctification, keeping pride at a minimum and trust in God at a maximum. He says: “And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’…For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
 
1ke said:
Then get used to this pattern of relationship breakdown, regret, and heartache because it will repeat in the future.
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Exactly.

Begin with the end in mind–if you want a Catholic family and Catholic children, date Catholic women.
 
Legend said:
The Bible states that one can only be worthy of Jesus is if he is willing to “hate” (I.e.,place Jesus ahead of), anything and everything. I believe this was told to the disciples, all the believers, not only the 12 apostles. So, difficult as it is, there is your answer. Yes, you love this girl, and it doesn’t even sound as if her church is all bad. But, it is imperative that you put Our Lord ahead of anyone and everything else-this girl, her church, other friends…
Idolatry, which, simply put, is placing anyone or anything above the Lord Jesus Christ, is a most serious sin. Don’t fall into it!
Click to expand...
I am unsure as to what you mean with idolatry. I mean we wanted to marry, so how can idolitry exist when we both will become one flesh? She would become my girl until the end and our souls become one.
 
I think what he is trying to say is that if you were willing to put this girl above the Church that Jesus founded, that would be idolotry. Likewise, if she is not willing to set aside the false belief that every individual with his or her own copy of the bible can interpret scripture correctly, or that any one’s “personal interpretation” is as good as anyone elses - so one doesn’t need the Church, Her Traditions, the Magisterium or the sacraments, then she is idolotrizing the book known as the bible by holding it in higher esteem than Jesus’s teaching and instructions to his apolstles.

BTW, when you marry the two become one flesh till death parts you. You each have your own soul and they are not mingled. Souls are one per customer only. 😉
 
Xantippe said:
Exactly.

Begin with the end in mind–if you want a Catholic family and Catholic children, date Catholic women.
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Thank you! Finally someone with more experience in life than me (I am a 32 year old man) saying what I have been trying to get across for at least the past six years now.
 
Xantippe said:
A few thoughts:
  1. In some of these Protestant churches (and probably especially non-denominational ones), happy is mandatory. It’s not allowed to have any kind of emotional range.
I don’t know this person’s other work, but this is a good description of the oppressiveness of the mandatory happiness regime:

patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/2012/09/emotional-control-mandatory-happiness/
  1. People in cults are always supposed to be happy. It’s a cult specialty.
  2. Long term, you wouldn’t be able to respect your ex-girlfriend’s faith, even if you converted.
  3. You are a relatively young guy. There are many nice Catholic women your age ready to console you, once you’ve gotten over your ex-girlfriend.
  4. You and your girlfriend wanted dramatically different things, not “just” religion. You want a Catholic home and she wants a non-denominational Protestant home.
  5. You’re doing the right thing. In addition to books and media, get out there and meet good Catholic people.
It’s aimed at women, but I think you might get a lot out of the archives of Seraphic Singles and reading her book (“The Closet’s All Mine!”:

seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/

Again, it’s intended for a single female audience, but it will give you some insight into where your single Catholic peers are and what they are doing.

Best wishes!
Click to expand...
Number 5 is where I would disagree with you on though. I want a home of faith obviously but I loved the girl so much that I would be willing to accept differences. Even some at home I would be willing to sacrifice. I just don’t know if she also would have. It is over, and now I realize that, but I am just saying, I thought love was enough for us to form a mixed-marriage or one that focused on the shared beliefs and not the ones we disagreed on during our relationship. Even a catholic marrying a catholic is not a guarantee of completely equal belief. Sure it may clarify things sometimes but its not a guarantee. I still believe in the bible where it says “Love does not boast” and also “Love can never fail”. Maybe ours failed, maybe not. Only God can tell me one day or at the last day.
 
b00kbabe said:
I think what he is trying to say is that if you were willing to put this girl above the Church that Jesus founded, that would be idolotry. Likewise, if she is not willing to set aside the false belief that every individual with his or her own copy of the bible can interpret scripture correctly, or that any one’s “personal interpretation” is as good as anyone elses - so one doesn’t need the Church, Her Traditions, the Magisterium or the sacraments, then she is idolotrizing the book known as the bible by holding it in higher esteem than Jesus’s teaching and instructions to his apolstles.

BTW, when you marry the two become one flesh till death parts you. You each have your own soul and they are not mingled. Souls are one per customer only. 😉
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Thank you for this. I have done more reading on the church and books in general in the past month then I have in my entire life. I have moved away from reading Facebook feeds to reading scripture, and testimonies from the saints and other books, one called “Be a Man” by Fr. Larry Richards. I don’t have a clue if they are helping, but I read them over and over. I also read scripture over and over. I just want to trust in the Lord with all of my heart, but I am finding out that it takes work, prayer, commitment, and sacrifice. All of the things that I don’t know if I was doing fully while in a relationship. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.
 
Be weary of nondenoms… yes I had a similar relationship she crushed my heart.

But the big thing with nondenoms… they have noe denomination which means their religion isnwhatever they wamt it to be at any moment. You can’t trust that…

Move on and find a Catholic girl…but only if you don’t live near me. We tred the same age ranges so I dont need extra competition lol.
 
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