My faith has been destroyed

[livingdaylights]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the reason I’ve joined the forum.

The problem I have is that my faith in God has been destroyed.

One morning about 10 months ago, I got up out of bed, came downstairs and found my wife dead on the living room floor. She was only 34.

She hadn’t been ill. She died from a Pulmonary Embolism which is basically where a blood clot somewhere in your body breaks free and travels up to your lungs and prevents you from breathing. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 10 who thankfully were at school when this happened.

A few weeks before she had been shopping with her Mum when an old man had tripped and fell against her, causing her to bang her hip against the checkout counter. I suspect this is what caused the blood clot.

I’ve been Catholic all my life and my wife had too. I’ve tried to come to terms with her loss but none of it makes any sense.

I had always expected I would be the one to go first as I was 10 years older than Jane and had suffered a heart attack 3 years ago.

I’ve always believed in an all loving and powerful God and I’ve tried to live as good a life as possible. I’ve prayed to God every night and thanked him for all the blessings he’s given me. I’ve defended him when others have attacked or insulted him. I’ve raised my children to believe in him.

I’m no stranger to death either. My Dad died when I was only 3 years old and I was brought up by my Mam and Gran. My Gran passed away a few years back at the age of 99 and my Mam not long after.

Also, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we can’t see that reason immediately but it usually becomes apparent through the course of time.

I just can’t come to terms with Jane’s death. I can’t understand how there could be any justifiable reason for it to happen. How can God take a mother away from two little children like that? Why couldn’t he do something to prevent it? There’s been a number of times in my life when I’ve nearly died but each time I’ve been saved. Why couldn’t he save Jane? Why save me? It doesn’t make sense. He could have saved my wife from dying if he wanted to, but he didn’t.

I love our two children with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to bring them up the way Jane would have wanted, but surely it would be better if their mother was here to look after them instead of me?

I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers but nothing…

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that my faith in God has been wrong all these years. I still believe in him as the creator of the universe, but my faith in him as being an all loving and powerful God who takes a personal interest in each of our lives has been destroyed.

Arriving at this conclusion has been one of the saddest things in my life next to my wife dying but there seems to be no other explanation.

 

[Country_Gal]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to cancer when my youngest were babies, I think I know what you are going through.

This is very personal, I know. I just want to mention that, throughout history tragedy has struck believers and unbelievers equally. Our Lord also mentioned that is also rains on the just and unjust. Just because we love God doesn’t exempt us from life’s inexplicable heartaches and tragedies.

Please give yourself time, which is a great healer. Focus on your children and finding new, joyful experiences in life. Create new memories.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I’m SO truly sorry for your loss. You and your children will be in my prayers.

 

[1ke]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please get grief counseling and talk to your pastor about your struggles. You need someone in your life to help you through this.

 

[Kamaduck]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the reason I’ve joined the forum.

The problem I have is that my faith in God has been destroyed.

One morning about 10 months ago, I got up out of bed, came downstairs and found my wife dead on the living room floor. She was only 34.

She hadn’t been ill. She died from a Pulmonary Embolism which is basically where a blood clot somewhere in your body breaks free and travels up to your lungs and prevents you from breathing. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 10 who thankfully were at school when this happened.

A few weeks before she had been shopping with her Mum when an old man had tripped and fell against her, causing her to bang her hip against the checkout counter. I suspect this is what caused the blood clot.

I’ve been Catholic all my life and my wife had too. I’ve tried to come to terms with her loss but none of it makes any sense.

I had always expected I would be the one to go first as I was 10 years older than Jane and had suffered a heart attack 3 years ago.

I’ve always believed in an all loving and powerful God and I’ve tried to live as good a life as possible. I’ve prayed to God every night and thanked him for all the blessings he’s given me. I’ve defended him when others have attacked or insulted him. I’ve raised my children to believe in him.

I’m no stranger to death either. My Dad died when I was only 3 years old and I was brought up by my Mam and Gran. My Gran passed away a few years back at the age of 99 and my Mam not long after.

Also, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we can’t see that reason immediately but it usually becomes apparent through the course of time.

I just can’t come to terms with Jane’s death. I can’t understand how there could be any justifiable reason for it to happen. How can God take a mother away from two little children like that? Why couldn’t he do something to prevent it? There’s been a number of times in my life when I’ve nearly died but each time I’ve been saved. Why couldn’t he save Jane? Why save me? It doesn’t make sense. He could have saved my wife from dying if he wanted to, but he didn’t.

I love our two children with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to bring them up the way Jane would have wanted, but surely it would be better if their mother was here to look after them instead of me?

I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers but nothing…

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that my faith in God has been wrong all these years. I still believe in him as the creator of the universe, but my faith in him as being an all loving and powerful God who takes a personal interest in each of our lives has been destroyed.

Arriving at this conclusion has been one of the saddest things in my life next to my wife dying but there seems to be no other explanation.

I am so, so sorry. Death is hard. It tears people up inside, but it’s also inevitable. Honestly, the current setup we’re got here on Earth is pretty cruel.

But it’ll get better. You’ll make it. You’re strong. Your wife is in heaven, and I’m sure she’s still watching over you from above.

Sometimes we don’t know why things happen to us. I’d venture to say that’s the way things are most of the time. But we have to trust that God, the author of our lives, knows what he’s doing. He still loves you, even if it’s hard to see how he could let this happen.

You may benefit from grief counseling. In any case, you definitely want to talk to someone about all of this- someone who you know and trust to be supportive of your needs.

I can only make hug graphics from over here, but I’d hug you if I could. :hug1:

Blessings.

 

[nhamm10]

First, I am so sorry for your loss!!! I truly feel that no one dies before their time. It was her time, she was done on this earth doing what she needed to do. Even though you feel she wasn’t because she was young and you have young children who now are not going to have a mother, it really is in God’s plan. It is hard to accept but even though we on earth are so heartbroken it is not a punishment. I have lost loved ones as well but look at it like Wow they are in the best place you could possibly be, they finished their job here and touched so many people.

Hugs to you and your children.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m sorry for your loss, and I will pray for you.

There are a lot of reasons why things happen to people, and we generally don’t know the real reasons in this lifetime, at least.

Job also had it very hard, was tested, as well. There WAS a reason for it.

 

[Bonnie]

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that my faith in God has been wrong all these years. I still believe in him as the creator of the universe, but my faith in him as being an all loving and powerful God who takes a personal interest in each of our lives has been destroyed.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I have long felt the same way about God - that he does not take a “personal interest” in our lives. It got to the point where I doubted the existence of God. But a wonderful little book has set me back on the road to faith. It’s Glorious Ruin: how suffering sets you free by Tullian Tchividjian. Tchividjian is not Catholic - his grandfather is Billy Graham - but what he writes is not at all in conflict with Catholic teaching. I wish there were Catholics who could write about faith as well as he does.

I’ll be praying for you and your sons, who have their own loss to deal with. However much you suffer, don’t forget about them.

 

[shelly5254]

I am so sorry both for the loss of your wife and for your shaken faith. You are in my prayers.
Let me share a bit of my story with you.
In May of 2009 my niece was 9yrs old. She loved to dance, play soccer and catch frogs. One day she became ill. She had a fever and stomach ache. Two days later her belly swelled so my sister in law took her to the er. By the next morning rylie was at the university of michigan having a tumor the size of a melon removed from her ovary. Rylie had ovarian cancer. The odds of a child having her type of cancer was about .01 %. She spent a week in the hospital then went back a week later for her first round of chemo. With her surgery plus the three days of chemo her little body had a very hard time. She was in the hospital for a month.
Jump ahead to august of the same year. 3 of my cousins were in a car crash. They were aged 19, 20 and 20. The 19 yr old was in a wheel chair for nearly a year, her body broken. One of the 20 yr olds was killed in the accident. The other 20 yr old had to stand trial for the death and near death of two of her very best friends. You can imagine how this struck the family core.
Christmas of that year Rylie was back at u of m for her final round of chemo, 6 days it took to fill her body with the chemicals to wage war on her cancer. The doctors said that this high dose would bring her to the brink of death but the stem cell transplant would pull her back.
Now step back in time further…a woman had a son. A son she no doubt loved more then herself. After raising him, kissing his skinned knees perhaps, she had to endure the torture of watching him be tried, beaten and crucified.
Many of us have very very heavy crosses we must carry. We must always ALWAYS give our suffering to a God that loves us so much that he allowed his Son to die for us. God didnt make your wife die, He welcomed her home into His loving arms when it was her time to leave this plain. Thank God for the time and love yoh had. Thank him for those children…she is in their hearts, in their eyes and you will see her in their personality too. Please talk to your priest about your feelings right away.
In our suffering we can either pull closer to God or allow the enemy to get that wedge pushed in.
God bless you and may you gain peace and comfort

 

[mommy_k]

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God speaks to your broken heart, and begins to heal you with His grace and blessings.

Mommyk

 

[R_C]

Dear brother, I am profoundly sorry for all the pain you have been subject to. It is easy to say for me…but how I wish I could take some of it in exchange for a fraction of the feeling of God’s presence that is in my soul.

Faith in God cannot be destroyed, brother. Once you know God is there, you cannot un-learn it. You can only be so angry with God as to decide to ignore Him, as if He did not exist. We do that all the time between ourselves, with family members - a brother, a parent… - we blame them for something, and we say: “for me, you don’t exist anymore!”.

But they still exist. And they are still our loved ones.

So is with God.

Now we all suffer. We all lose loved ones. My father has been fighting cancer for a while, so I understand a bit.

At first, when I saw what was happening to him, I could not accept it. It did not make sense. I was angry at God. I insulted Him. I was in a very, very dark place. A place I wish nobody would ever go to.

I was hurting and alone.

Then I realized something important. I started (for the first time, perhaps, in my whole life) to look at the Crucifix in my room. I saw His pain. He was hanging on a cross, dying the worst kind of death. His father Joseph had been dead. His mother he had entrusted to John. His brethren had abandoned him. His people considered him a criminal.

I looked into His eyes, angrily. Why? Why are you suffering? Why did you allow this to happen to you? Why do you allow suffering to exist? He just looked back at me, silent.

He is our God, yet He chose to partake in our sufferings to show us that we must not fear suffering. He saw His father Joseph die and He buried Him, to show us that we must not fear to lose a loved one. He chose to experience death, to show us that we must not fear death.

And above all else - this is the sole hope of mankind - He rose on the third day. He pushed that tombstone out of the way and walked out, to the rejoicing of His poor mother and of His wife - the Church, us all.

Two days ago, something happened to me. I went to bed and I closed my eyes. I thanked God for the life I lived, and I entrusted my soul to Him if I did not wake up.

I woke up. As I am walking to work, a driver comes at high speed in the contrary direction, towards me. He misses me for a few inches. I just felt a roar and the wind on my face.

I did not expect it. I could have died in an instant, alone, on a side street. I was not ready. My loved ones were not ready.

But I recalled something important. Something that reminded me of my father’s words. He said to me: “don’t be sad. This life is not the end of it. This is not everything. It doesn’t end here.”

It doesn’t end here.

If there is no God, brother, where are we headed? Are we going to suffer and toil for decades, only to turn into dust? Is that a life worth living?

This is not everything. There is more on the other side. And God comes at a time when we don’t expect Him. Like a lover, He enters one day in our life, and another day bends the knee before us and calls us to the heavenly nuptial ceremony.

When that happens, we are naturally going to be distressed. It’s my father, my mother, my brother, my wife. I have a right on them. I have a right on their life. And you, God, you have a duty - yes, a duty - to protect their lives and keep them next to me. Because you are strong, and I am weak. Because I cannot protect them and you can.

But there’s something we must realize. He’s more than a distant deity. He is a father. A spouse.

I have a claim on my father, but my father is His son.

I have a claim on my wife, but my wife is His bride.

He give us our loved ones for a time, so that we may be His imperfect vicars of love. So that we may love them as He wish to love us, take care of them, keep them safe, and then return them to Him for the eternal happiness of heaven.

The difficult part is to trust in Him. To trust that He knows better. That He calls each of us to heaven, and to make us get there He allows things to happen and gives us the grace to go through them.

That’s no surprise. Life has always been hard. In school I had tests and bullies. In college, girlfriends who broke my heart. At work, maybe someone who was against me, or a boss I didn’t work well with. If I trained a sport, I had to struggle a lot, and maybe lose quite a few races despite the hard work.

Yet, in my heart is the blessed hope. Remember that line from Mass? “As we await the blessed hope” That, brother, you and I have.

She is with God, interceding for her loved ones with a loving care that nobody can afford while in this life. She is in your heart and in your children’s heart in Holy Communion. And “you will see her again”, this time with “a joy that nobody will take away”.

You have to trust. We have to trust. Even if all is dark, even if all faith and all hope are gone! We must remain in love, no matter what.

For even Paul, old, tired, imprisoned and tied with heavy chains, wrote:

Behold, I tell you a mystery…we will all be changed…in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye…for the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.

…] When the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away…now these things remain, faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

…] Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Let us pray for your beloved, that she may sit before the throne of the Lamb and obtain for you the strength to do what she would have wanted you to do together - to grow wonderful children who will be called children of God and will become great saints.

 

[CaliLobo]

I’m sorry. A loving God shouldn’t let things like this happen. I’m sorry.

 

[DOJ96]

What R_C wrote is so beautiful it brought a tear to my eyes.

My friend, I will pray for you and your children.

 

[sojo]

I am so sorry for your loss. As someone (R O or R C?) said before, its likely that you still believe in God, you are just disappointed in Him and angry at Him. You’ve lost faith that He is a loving and kind God, but not that HE IS. I’ve had a few tragedies in life. I can only say that the best way to get past your feeling of having lost faith in God is to tell him so. No more pretty prayers - if you are angry, tell Him so. He’s a big guy and he can take your anger, your cursing, your absolute truth. If you don’t feel comfortable yelling at God, then write him a letter. But make it real. The sooner you come clean with how you feel towards God WITH God Himself, the sooner He will re-enter your life.

I wish I could say the grief and sorrow about losing your wife could be as easily dealt with, but that alas is our human condition and it takes time. A lot of time. But it is harder without God in your life. Believe me.

 

[OurLadyPray4US]

She was only 34.

She hadn’t been ill. She died from a Pulmonary Embolism which is basically where a blood clot somewhere in your body breaks free and travels up to your lungs and prevents you from breathing.

Please accept my condolences.

The part that I quoted scared me. In your wife’s case, it might have been her banging her hip against the counter, as you mentioned. But many other women are at similar risk, unknowingly, due to their use of hormonal contraception methods (birth control pills, hormonal patches and subcutaneous implants). Young women are dying of pulmonary and cerebral embolies and strokes daily, caused by hormonal contraception drugs. Anyone who reads this, please spread the word. Young women and mothers are at risk, and we need to reach out and educate and protect them.

 

[Estevao]

Hi. I’m really sorry for your loss, OP. I guess you could say I was like one of your children. My mother was taken from me when I was young for what seemed like no reason. I’m still young so maybe you don’t want to put much stock in what I say, but here goes. Have you ever considered that we just aren’t in an position to know why God permits these sorts of things, finite beings that we are? Have you ever looked up some Christian philosophical or apologetic responses to the problem of evil, like the two following articles?

peterkreeft.com/topics/evil.htm
reasonablefaith.org/the-problem-of-evil

I have found these to be of immense help (and there are many longer works, which I think the philosophy section could lead you towards), mostly for the logical side of my brain, but they also start to get into helping the emotional problem of evil, which comes up still sometimes when I think of my mother’s death. These articles hint to how Christianity itself gives meaning to our suffering, as does John Paul II’s letter “On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering”, which I would also recommend since it has helped me immensely as well. Christianity gives meaning to suffering, even though the attributes of our particular God seems so at odds with the existence of evil and suffering.

It seems that a big part of your problem is how could God have left your children without a mother. This question has occurred to me as well. Why did God, if he does exist, decide to take my mother at a young age? I would have liked to have mother around for many periods in my growing up since her death, but God had other plans. But maybe they weren’t cold meaningless changes to my schedule that would fit with the kind of God you seem to currently believe in (changes from my perspective, that is), some sort of Deist blind watchmaker God. Instead maybe they were loving changes which, like when “Jesus began to weep” during the time of the death of Lazarus in John 11, caused him some sadness or evoked some sympathy (and look at what Mary of Bethany said to Jesus in John 11:32! It’s just like what you said in your OP).

Is or will there be a reason for why God permitted my mother to die when I was young? I read that you can’t find one for your case, and that your prayers go unanswered. I have not been left so high and dry in my prayers and spiritual life, but I’m not about to list the answers that I have gotten and experienced as if they work for your case. Maybe, like I said first, we just aren’t in any position in this life to see a reason. I just wanted to share another Bible story that has given me comfort when I ask why there appears to be such an unfairness in God’s blessings on Earth.

In Genesis 4, I don’t see a reason why it was that “…the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering, but for Cain and his offering he had no regard.” I don’t think you can really see a reason for this lack of regard for Cain in the text. The following text seems to be the important section:

"So Cain was very angry, and his countenance fell. The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door; its desire is for you, but you must master it.” (Gen 4:4-7, NRSV)

If I “do well”, I will “be accepted” by Jesus when I go to heaven, after running the race. Knowing the necessity of fighting sin and the need I have for salvation, I struggle to “master” sin, something only possible with God. The answers to suffering aren’t to be found in this story from Genesis, but it is the first mention of “sin” in the Bible. Doesn’t that speak to the importance of sin and salvation in our lives in the Biblical point of view? You seem to be in agreement with the Biblical point of view concerning the creation of the universe by God, can you continue along and see our sinfulness and too our need for Salvation and the redeemer foretold in Genesis 3:15?

It’s okay to be angry, as some other posters have said, and as I think you can see in God’s response to Cain’s initial anger (although obviously not Cain’s answer to it!), or just to sorrowfully ask Mary of Bethany’s question like in John 11:32

Don’t give up on the Lord, he is our truest and deepest hope.

 

[Isaiah45_9]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

May Christ make His presence known to you and bring you the comfort that you need.

 

[lifelessons]

What R_C wrote is so beautiful it brought a tear to my eyes.

My friend, I will pray for you and your children.

• 1 . R_ C Those words were amazing and also made me cry , and whilst not meant for me they spoke out to me.

 

[lifelessons]

I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain it must cause your young children. My brother died unexpectedly a few years ago and he left behind 4 children, the youngest being just 2. I still have a hard time understanding what good can come from this.

 

[StrawberryJam]

Thoughts for you and your children. Your life and theirs has been forever changed.

Their lives have changed so fast, at such young ages.

Maybe the only thing that hasn’t changed in all of your lives is the faith you all held together.
Don’t be so quick to let it go now IMHO.
Let yourself breathe. You are going through so much pain,sorrow and loss.
The children are going through such a loss as well…
Give all of the family time to grieve before making any large decisions.

In the meantime, keep talking this out. How you feel, what is happening.

There are many people here who care about you and your family.