My faith has been destroyed

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I am so sorry for your loss and I will pray for your wife, your children and yourself.

In times like these, it’s natural that you’re going to ask questions of God, you’re going to try and understand and you’re not a bad person or a bad Catholic for asking. There is one solid answer though and that’s prayer. It’s in times like these that prayer is the most necessary.

You said that your doubting and questioning revolves around God’s personal love for us. God is our creator but He’s much more than that, He’s also our Father. When God created the angels and men He didn’t just leave them in their natural state. He personally poured Himself into them through sanctifying grace. Adam, from the very moment of his creation, was justified and possessed sanctifying grace, the indwelling of the Triune God in his soul. Our Father was not content to act merely as a creator. He let His Love act from the very beginning. Man, through Adam’s sin, lost that sanctifying grace. God could have left it at that, but He didn’t. Again He was not content to exist merely as a mechanical creator and preserver. In fact, the mere preservation of creation testifies to God’s love in the aftermath of original sin. But no… He sent His Only Begotten Son to us that we may be reconciled to God. Human history is drenched in the rain of God’s love. It’s real.

Your wife is no longer in this world. But like all men she has an immortal and rational soul. Her soul will exist for all of eternity. It’s hard… but we exist for God. God created us to know Him, to serve Him and to love Him. That’s the entire purpose of our creation, our existence. And God loves us and He will do everything He can without violating our free will, to bring us to Himself. Our souls are immortal and God knows this, and He wants all souls to dwell eternally with Him. We have to have faith and hope in God that your wife’s passing was the best thing. And we can know it was the best thing because God measures in eternity. Your wife passed at the moment that was best for her eternal salvation. And we have to hope and pray that she responded to the shower of graces and now enjoys the beatific vision and eternal happiness with God.

God’s love doesn’t just end there though. He judged it was best for her soul at that moment to call her back to Him but He didn’t forget you nor your children. I can’t say I know why it’s good that this has happened to you and them… but I have faith in God that it is so, that His love is watching over you and your children even now and that He hasn’t abandoned you.

We know all of this has happened for the best because God so willed it and God is all loving and all merciful.

But obviously it’s easier said than done. Your feelings right now are completely natural and understandable. And it’s hard… but you have to have faith in God. You need to pray for faith, hope and charity. These are the three theological virtues and are given us by supernatural grace. So even all I’ve said—and I’ve said nothing that is my own, merely what I have gleaned from the Church—will be nothing but dust compared to the graces of God. It’s hard but you must exercise your will. You must choose faith, you must choose hope, you must choose love. And God will grant you the graces necessary for these things.

And always trust in Our Blessed Lady. She knows your sorrows, she knows your trials. And she loves you too, and she loves your children and your wife, and she can obtain every grace necessary for you. She is a mother and she will not abandon her children. Have recourse to her most holy rosary. Don’t let your fingers slip on the beads. Grasp her mantle with all your will and don’t let go…
 
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. R_C is right: None of us can know exactly what you are going through, except for Heaven. Our heavenly Father knows, Our Lord knows, Our Lady who stood at the foot of the Cross knows. They are not far away, and your wife is not far away. They are there for you.

I have never thought these things necessarily need to make sense, except that we are in a vale of tears and we are hated and envied by the one who hates God. In that sense, I don’t think your wife “died for a reason,” or at least not the way we usually think of that. I go with this, instead: If you look at the Cross, you know that God does not keep bad things from happening to those who deserve only good things. You know instead that God can transform the very worst thing that ever happened into the greatest victory, for those willing to let him do it…and even Our Lord did not want it, even Our Lady did not want to witness it, but were obedient by accepting what happened and passing through it. The result was the greatest victory ever won, the victory over death itself.

That is what I think it means by “everything happens for a reason.” It isn’t that God wants bad things to happen or that God sets it up for this awful stuff to come to us or that we are guaranteed that every black cloud will always have a silver lining no matter what we do. It is that if we are willing, God can take whatever the devil throws at us, and instead of the defeat that the devil intends, give us a crown of glory from it, instead. Where the devil intends despair, God supplies hope, More to the point, where the devil brings death, God brings life. God can take any loss and make a victory out of it, because the devil is not God’s equal. God does not bring evil into our lives, but with God’s help, every trial will find a reason, and every time can become the right moment for whatever comes to it.

Even Our Lord did not “see it” at every moment. Sometimes, in his obedience, even he said “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” It is not unfaithful to have a soul that cries out, “Why?” Our Lord was not left to carry his cross alone, but had his Simon of Cyrene, his Veronica there to wipe his brow. Keep turning towards those who care about you. By the economy of God’s grace, the help they give to you and the love you give to each other will help all towards the victories of each one. Jesus made us into His Body for that reason: that we might become one by loving each other and supporting each other. Keep turning towards those who love you, keep hanging on even when you do not see a horizon; you are doing the right thing.
 
Dear friend I understand your anger, and frustration. It is absolutely, totally, and completely wrong that your loving wife is dead. In fact, the last time I lost some one I told God it was, “unacceptable! Something is seriously WRONG here!” Bottom line, God agrees. God made us to live together in love forever. It was NOT His intention that we ever be sick or die. It was NOT his plan that we ever be separated. Disease, and death did not enter our world, till satan corrupted it with sin! satan and all forms of evil are what we should really be mad at!

We live in a fallen world. It’s a war zone. The battle is between God & satan to see who will win your soul. God brings, goodness, blessings, and hope to our lives. satan brings, relentless temptation, selfishness, hopelessness, sorrow, disease, and death. Of course he dresses it up in shiny packages. Like he whispers in your ear, “If God is good, He wouldn’t have let your wife die.” So first satan brings about the circumstances which seperated the whole human race from God’s immediate healing presence. Then he brings death into the world, and blames it all on God! he wants you to blame God too. Then he will strip you of your inheritance…To live with God, your wife, and family in Heaven forever! It’s a win, win for satan. Don’t let satan turn you from God. he’s done enough damage to your family. Your family needs God’s healing presence now more than ever.

I have felt anger & rage at God. I was mad at God because He was, “doing it wrong!” God was not ruling the planet the way I thought he should. Pretty arrogant of me wasn’t it? It’s just all part of the process by which we try to make sense of things. Only in a war zone bad things happen…horrific things happen. We are soooo blessed by God’s beauty all around us, and those He gives us to love, we forget there is a battle fought daily for our souls. I had to dig down deep with all the strength I had to try to trust God again. I refused to let my anger make me reject the best life line I have, my love for God. I bought a picture of the Divine Mercy, which says, “Jesus I trust in you”. I looked at it every day for a couple of years till one day I realized it was true! Jesus I trust in you. I don’t understand completely why my brother died, or why my foster babies were so abused. I do understand that God gave us all free will. Sometimes we abuse that free will, and hurt people or even kill them. If God stopped it every time, we’d never learn there are consequences to our decisions/actions/choices. I do know that death is NOT the end. It is the beginning of a new life.

I will pray for you. ❤️
 
livingdaylights said:
Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the reason I’ve joined the forum.

The problem I have is that my faith in God has been destroyed.

One morning about 10 months ago, I got up out of bed, came downstairs and found my wife dead on the living room floor. She was only 34.

She hadn’t been ill. She died from a Pulmonary Embolism which is basically where a blood clot somewhere in your body breaks free and travels up to your lungs and prevents you from breathing. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 10 who thankfully were at school when this happened.

A few weeks before she had been shopping with her Mum when an old man had tripped and fell against her, causing her to bang her hip against the checkout counter. I suspect this is what caused the blood clot.

I’ve been Catholic all my life and my wife had too. I’ve tried to come to terms with her loss but none of it makes any sense.

I had always expected I would be the one to go first as I was 10 years older than Jane and had suffered a heart attack 3 years ago.

I’ve always believed in an all loving and powerful God and I’ve tried to live as good a life as possible. I’ve prayed to God every night and thanked him for all the blessings he’s given me. I’ve defended him when others have attacked or insulted him. I’ve raised my children to believe in him.

I’m no stranger to death either. My Dad died when I was only 3 years old and I was brought up by my Mam and Gran. My Gran passed away a few years back at the age of 99 and my Mam not long after.

Also, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we can’t see that reason immediately but it usually becomes apparent through the course of time.

I just can’t come to terms with Jane’s death. I can’t understand how there could be any justifiable reason for it to happen. How can God take a mother away from two little children like that? Why couldn’t he do something to prevent it? There’s been a number of times in my life when I’ve nearly died but each time I’ve been saved. Why couldn’t he save Jane? Why save me? It doesn’t make sense. He could have saved my wife from dying if he wanted to, but he didn’t.

I love our two children with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to bring them up the way Jane would have wanted, but surely it would be better if their mother was here to look after them instead of me?

I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers but nothing…

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that my faith in God has been wrong all these years. I still believe in him as the creator of the universe, but my faith in him as being an all loving and powerful God who takes a personal interest in each of our lives has been destroyed.

Arriving at this conclusion has been one of the saddest things in my life next to my wife dying but there seems to be no other explanation. 😦
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I am so sorry. I pray that God gives you the strength and comfort you need and that you find your faith again.
 
Dear John, I saw your other post where you introduced yourself. I see that you are in the North of the UK. I am from England and know many amazing Catholics there. I want to suggest to you that you contact Andy and Cathy Fava who lead a house of Prayer in Wigton, Cumbria. They have four sons, ages 16 down to about 8. You can call them on the phone or contact them by email and of course go and visit them, but first just make contact. I promise you that they will be able to open their hearts to you at this time. The house where they live is part of the Cor et Lumen Christi Community (The Heart and Light of Christ). The Community felt they should have a house in the North of England so the Favas moved into St. Cuthberts when it was virtually derelict and have the full support of the Bishop. They and other Catholics have built up the house and community there.

Email: stcuthberts@coretlumenchristi.org
Phone: 016973 45623

Their address is:
St. Cuthbert’s the Old Convent
Burnfoot
Wigton
Cumbria CA7 9HU

If you Google Cor et Lumen Christi St Cuthberts their webpage will come up.

I will be praying for you and your children, please send me a private message if you want to talk more.
 
Dear John, please allow me to add my condolences to all the others. :console:

I lost my dad when I was only 12, and I was the oldest of 4. It was hard–very hard. Grief cannot be assuaged by mere words, I know. It’s a process from disbelief to anger, and so on to final acceptance. It takes time to recover from such an important loss as a wife, husband, father, mother at any age, so give yourself all the time you need. Love your sons and let them know you are there for them, for their biggest fear probably is that they will lose you, as well.

You may like to read C. S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed”. He wrote it before there were grief counselors and self-help books. It’s very wise and comforting.

Know that your dear wife is in God’s loving arms. She is praying for you and your sons, so take courage from that, and the fact that you will see her again. God bless you and your sons as you mourn the loss of your wonderful wife and their mother. :crossrc:

Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon her.
May she and all the faithfully departed rest in peace. Amen.
 
The sacrament of Matrimony exists to prepare you, your wife, and your children for heaven. I am not wise enough, smart enough or even know enough facts to know how that is supposed to work in your individual lives. But, I do know that their is someone who is all those things and more. The same God who established marriage, died for our sins, and rose from the dead, cares more for your family than we can possibly imagine. He knows how this is supposed to work, He knows how this horrible moment in time is supposed to ultimately get you, your children and others to heaven. It’s okay to be angry with Him, to yell and curse at Him, He actually, I believe, prefers it to you pretending He doesn’t exist. But remember He does love you, your spouse and your children. The scripture says that “man made a covenant with death.” Because of this covenant we all will die. But Jesus gave us a new covenant, one in which we WILL LIVE, happily forever with Him and all who do His will. Don’t let your anger lose the plot. Your sons need you to be the one who leads them to heaven. Lean on the church, lean on Jesus in the Eucharist, lean on Mother Mary, all the saints.

I can only imagine (and have many times) what you are going through. I ask myself who could handle the loss better me or my wife. In the end I don’t know but, I trust God does and I leave it in His hands.

I leave you with much prayer brother.

God bless
 
livingdaylights, I am so sorry and ask the Lord to give you and your children great comfort at this terrible time. As a mother, I feel maternal heartbreak for your children but have some thoughts to offer along with the others who have advised leaning heavily on Mary our Blessed Mother.

I was curious one day to realise that many of the people influential to my life were young when they lost their mothers. Pope John Paul II was 8 years old and Teresa Avila was 14. John Paul II looked to Mary to take the place of his mother and Teresa wrote after her mothers death… “As soon as I began to understand how great a loss I had sustained by losing her, I was very much afflicted; and so I went before an image of our Blessed Lady and besought her with many tears that she would vouchsafe to be my mother.”

I never fail to remind Mary that should I die, I implore her to take my children under her wing as their Mother (even though they are young adults).

My two favourite singer/songwriters Bono and Paul McCartney also lost their mothers at 14 and both through their loss, have given us beautiful poetry in tribute to a mothers love.

Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you in this moment in time. :gopray2:
 
I am so sorry that you have lost your wife and that your children have had their mother torn from them; really, there are no words that seem adequate at such a time when your heart is broken and your life is shattered. It is understandable that you feel God is cruel.

There are platitudes I could offer: time is a healer; you will find strength, etc, but I don’t think any words will mean much right now. Your pain must seem unbearable.

I thought God was uncaring and unfair when my youngest child was born with a life-threatening congenital condition that brought him to the brink of death. I became very conscious of parents with large families where each child was perfectly healthy. I couldn’t understand it: I had been careful during pregnancy to do nothing to jeopardize my unborn baby’s health yet this had obviously guaranteed nothing.

Having asked, “Why me?” , the question “Why not me?” soon followed. Why did I believe I should be exempt? Despite this rationalization, the thought that my child didn’t deserve this persisted. Why had God hurt my baby?

It can be easier to stop believing in a loving God because that can make more sense. Or to stop believing in God altogether - the idea of a random universe hurts less because there’s nowhere to lay blame.

Even Jesus had cause to ask why his Father had forsaken him. We might wonder if only every good person lived a long and successful life and every unloving person died young. We all know life isn’t like that but we tend not to question this reality until we suffer our own tragedy. Was God only loving because we were alright, even when we were aware of the suffering of others?

If I say God does love you and God is love it will probably mean nothing to you now. There’s much we don’t understand but will come to understand. God has not forsaken you or your children, even though you find it so hard to believe for now.

Much love.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. Your wound is still so raw and it probably will be for a while. I lost my grandfather as a child and when he died he was very young and in perfect health. He had recently passed a physical with flying colors. He never even had to train for a military PT test because he was always fit! I couldn’t understand why God would take him from my family when he was so needed. My father was abusive so my grandfather was who I considered to be the real “daddy” in my life. I am also fairly sure that my father was afraid of him and so what abuse there was could have been much worse if it weren’t for my grandfather being around. Even today, there are still so many times when I ask God why my grandfather can’t be here. I find times when I realize I need my grandfather so much but he isn’t there.

In high school, my freshman religion class teacher told us something that really stuck with me. She told us it is okay to get angry with God. He can handle our anger. It’s okay to have that emotion. (Of course, how you act on your anger is vital though.) I came to terms with the fact that I had been afraid to admit I was angry with God for taking my grandfather away when I needed him the most. I thought it was a sin to get angry with God, but I learned emotions are fairly neutral. It is what you do with the emotion that determines morality. After realizing that it is okay to admit that I am angry because I don’t understand God’s reason for his death, I started to heal more.

It’s been years and I have never figured out the reason, so I hope that whenever I die and stand before God he will explain it to me. For all I know he mercifully gave him a death by natural causes at a young age to protect him from some kind of harm or evil threatening him. Who knows? I don’t get it and I probably never will while I am on Earth. All I know is that God doesn’t want to hurt anyone and he wants what is best for everyone’s soul. Therefore, there must be a good reason even though I don’t know what it is.

If it is any consolation, unless the autopsy has ruled that the clot formed from the hip area, it may not have been due to the man running into her. She might have had an underlying condition that no one could detect? I do console myself with the fact that my grandfather passed naturally and quickly at home.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. In addition to the heartfelt and kind words offered by the previous responses, you may find some comfort in reading Pope John Paul II’s apostolic letter on the meaning of human suffering, Salvifici doloris, available free online on the Vatican website. We all must suffer on our crosses, but this suffering is never meaningless. May God bless you and your family.
 
I am so very sorry to read of the loss of your wife. There are so many people in this life that are living with such difficult crosses that I cannot comprehend how they manage every day. I can only say that God knows our lives, the entirety of the years, and you may find that when your children are 20 years old, 40 years old, 60 years old, that the impact of losing their mother has made them people with a deep compassion, kind, loving, amazing. I know some people who have been through a great loss and as adults have a depth and breadth to them that others don’t have. A wisdom that comes knowing that this life is temporary and we all can choose to walk with God for whatever days we are blessed to have. I suspect that if you could see them on their last day on this earth, what they accomplished, the people they had become, the people who were blessed because of them, you will be very very proud, and you will know that part of that amazingness was woven into their character because of this very very sad event.

I believe our beloved John Paul 2 had lost both parents and his only sibling, his brother, all by the age of 21 and he was living in a very difficult time. It was all in God’s amazing plan for his life and I look forward to seeing what he all accomplished when we are on the other side, when God reveals to the world what His servants did for love of Him.

My prayer for you today is that God and the angels continue to carry you through this awful time of grief and suffering. At some point, when you can stand on your feet again, may your faith be ever stronger, to bless your family, your city, and the whole world. On your last day, may your wife be there waiting, with joy, and so proud of you for how you served the Lord. You still have work to do, my friend. We need you here with us yet. God be your strength today.
 
I am sorry for your loss - My heart just goes out to you. I can only imagine what you are going through. I feel as if I have lost my spouse through a very sudden illness, I like you have been devastated at the sudden sorrow and change in our lives - but I am thanking God at this very moment that he is still with me, even though our lives will never be the same.

Please keep praying and searching, I am confident that God will find you and bring you through this. I cannot fathom what His plan in all of this is, but He loves you and your children and will help you all.

You are in my thoughts and prayers…
 
I’m sorry for your loss too. I hope my post will help you adjust your perspective. It is the true story of a family I read a while back in a book. If I remember correctly the book is “Classic Christianity” by Bob George. I may not remember the exact details but it went something like this.
A couple had a beautiful daughter, I think her name was Michelle. One day, when she was about 6, she was in a bus with her class going for a picnic or a field trip. The bus met with an accident. Michelle was killed in the accident and not one other child sustained so much as an injury. The father was very upset and kept blaming God and isolated himself from society. He couldn’t help wondering what life was all about and that a loving God was a myth.
A month later, an old friend died and this man wouldn’t even go to the funeral. It was then that another friend visited him and spoke to him.
He asked him to ponder over just one question. “If God had told you before Michelle was born that she had only 6 years to live in this world and he was looking for a family for her, would you agree to look after her for 6 years for Him?”
The man realized that he would have gladly said yes. That changed his perspective and from that day on he started to return to normal life.
So ask yourself this. If God had told you before you married Jane that he was giving her to you for just 10-11 years and after that he wanted her back with him, would you have accepted her as God’s gift to you?
Hope this helps
 
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your boys in my prayers.
 
I have found extreme comfourt in this song by Shane and Shane. It is called “Though You Slay Me”. Here is the first verse:

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Its worth a listen. It explains what most want to say to you and may help explain the “why”. Don’t lose faith in your Saviour.

( Here is the link youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY)
 
I am so very sorry for your loss, but please view my YouTube video about my own near death experience. Your wife is there waiting for you. Do not dispair. God is with you.

youtube.com/watch?v=DV_IeRlIWVU

God has a purpose for you here, now. I pray for your return to salvation from the only God who loves you.

My prayers are with you.

May God bless you and keep you in his loving arms today and until you return to Him, and your wife, in Heaven for eternity.

:blessyou:
 
livingdaylights said:
Hi everyone, this is my first post here and the reason I’ve joined the forum.

The problem I have is that my faith in God has been destroyed.

One morning about 10 months ago, I got up out of bed, came downstairs and found my wife dead on the living room floor. She was only 34.

She hadn’t been ill. She died from a Pulmonary Embolism which is basically where a blood clot somewhere in your body breaks free and travels up to your lungs and prevents you from breathing. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 10 who thankfully were at school when this happened.

A few weeks before she had been shopping with her Mum when an old man had tripped and fell against her, causing her to bang her hip against the checkout counter. I suspect this is what caused the blood clot.

I’ve been Catholic all my life and my wife had too. I’ve tried to come to terms with her loss but none of it makes any sense.

I had always expected I would be the one to go first as I was 10 years older than Jane and had suffered a heart attack 3 years ago.

I’ve always believed in an all loving and powerful God and I’ve tried to live as good a life as possible. I’ve prayed to God every night and thanked him for all the blessings he’s given me. I’ve defended him when others have attacked or insulted him. I’ve raised my children to believe in him.

I’m no stranger to death either. My Dad died when I was only 3 years old and I was brought up by my Mam and Gran. My Gran passed away a few years back at the age of 99 and my Mam not long after.

Also, I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we can’t see that reason immediately but it usually becomes apparent through the course of time.

I just can’t come to terms with Jane’s death. I can’t understand how there could be any justifiable reason for it to happen. How can God take a mother away from two little children like that? Why couldn’t he do something to prevent it? There’s been a number of times in my life when I’ve nearly died but each time I’ve been saved. Why couldn’t he save Jane? Why save me? It doesn’t make sense. He could have saved my wife from dying if he wanted to, but he didn’t.

I love our two children with all my heart and I will do whatever it takes to bring them up the way Jane would have wanted, but surely it would be better if their mother was here to look after them instead of me?

I’ve prayed and prayed to God for answers but nothing…

I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that my faith in God has been wrong all these years. I still believe in him as the creator of the universe, but my faith in him as being an all loving and powerful God who takes a personal interest in each of our lives has been destroyed.

Arriving at this conclusion has been one of the saddest things in my life next to my wife dying but there seems to be no other explanation. 😦
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This made me cry. Please go for grief counselling for your beautiful children. Come to terms with her death at your own pace. I will pray for you too.
 
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