C
cmbertrand
Guest
Alright, so I’m not all that sure why I’m even posting this, but I just thought maybe someone could get through to me.
I’m catholic and all that jazz, but things are changing…
I can’t tell you the last time I really prayed, as in actually wanted to be praying. I go to mass every weekend and I don’t do anything crazy, but it doesn’t feel right. I miss the times when God was all I thought about and everything else just didn’t matter. I even was considering becoming a nun. Now, I go through my everyday routine and I’m thinking more. Wondering. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a different religion. (Now, I highly doubt I’d leave the church, but I just thought I’d throw that in there.) I’ve considered trying meditation (like with incense and the sort) but that seems like it would have the potential to harm my faith in its entirety, so I haven’t done it yet. I even wonder about drugs. But again, I’ll never do it. Just throwing it in there.
Now, I’ve thought about sitting down and just telling God all this stuff, but then I say to myself, ‘what good will that do?’ because I’ve been through this before. I feel like I’m straying away and then when I decide to come back, prayer is mentally and emotionally painful. I hate it. I go through a period of depression and I question God about everything. It will just feel like he’s sitting there staring at me, not saying a word and not welcoming me. And eventually it will disappear and I feel on fire with God and he’s right there at my side. But only for a month or so and it starts all up again. I guess this time I just got to the point where I assume that’s how it’s always going to be and if that’s the truth, then it’s just not worth it…
Then there’s that side of me that says that God’s not like that and if I feel that way, then it’s only because I’m doing something wrong. So, now I’m kind of just waiting for Him to come and get me. If I don’t do anything about it then maybe he’ll come to me. I want to go to Him, but I’m scared. So, instead I turn to music and solitude. I’m a bit depressed, but it’s better than what I’ve been through before.
I don’t know how clear this whole post is, and judging from my previous posts on this website, I probably won’t get much response. And I’ll still be sitting here slowly losing my faith until it’s all gone. So I really hope this post does something for me…
But if not, thanks anyway.
I’m catholic and all that jazz, but things are changing…
I can’t tell you the last time I really prayed, as in actually wanted to be praying. I go to mass every weekend and I don’t do anything crazy, but it doesn’t feel right. I miss the times when God was all I thought about and everything else just didn’t matter. I even was considering becoming a nun. Now, I go through my everyday routine and I’m thinking more. Wondering. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be a different religion. (Now, I highly doubt I’d leave the church, but I just thought I’d throw that in there.) I’ve considered trying meditation (like with incense and the sort) but that seems like it would have the potential to harm my faith in its entirety, so I haven’t done it yet. I even wonder about drugs. But again, I’ll never do it. Just throwing it in there.
Now, I’ve thought about sitting down and just telling God all this stuff, but then I say to myself, ‘what good will that do?’ because I’ve been through this before. I feel like I’m straying away and then when I decide to come back, prayer is mentally and emotionally painful. I hate it. I go through a period of depression and I question God about everything. It will just feel like he’s sitting there staring at me, not saying a word and not welcoming me. And eventually it will disappear and I feel on fire with God and he’s right there at my side. But only for a month or so and it starts all up again. I guess this time I just got to the point where I assume that’s how it’s always going to be and if that’s the truth, then it’s just not worth it…
Then there’s that side of me that says that God’s not like that and if I feel that way, then it’s only because I’m doing something wrong. So, now I’m kind of just waiting for Him to come and get me. If I don’t do anything about it then maybe he’ll come to me. I want to go to Him, but I’m scared. So, instead I turn to music and solitude. I’m a bit depressed, but it’s better than what I’ve been through before.
I don’t know how clear this whole post is, and judging from my previous posts on this website, I probably won’t get much response. And I’ll still be sitting here slowly losing my faith until it’s all gone. So I really hope this post does something for me…
But if not, thanks anyway.