My Family Dilemma

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Nelka

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We live in England, I am English, my wife is Polish. We have two infants.

My wife mentioned a few months ago that she wants to move back to Poland, she mentioned it again today and talked more about it.

It seems like she has made her mind up, she was talking about herself and the children but when I mentioned me she said that I could come if I wanted, that felt like she is going and taking the children whether I like it or not and it is up to me to follow or stay behind on my own.

I understand that she misses her family although she sees them quite a lot considering they are in a different country but I know I would hate it, I like Poland but it is something I could have done when we were first married before the children but I don’t even enjoy going on holiday there as I feel saturated by her family and I know it would be worse if we lived there.

I haven’t told her my feelings as it would upset her but I know she wouldn’t change her mind anyway.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t even pray for it.

Has anyone else faced this sort of dilemma?

Thanks.
 
Nelka said:
We live in England, I am English, my wife is Polish. We have two infants.

My wife mentioned a few months ago that she wants to move back to Poland, she mentioned it again today and talked more about it.

It seems like she has made her mind up, she was talking about herself and the children but when I mentioned me she said that I could come if I wanted, that felt like she is going and taking the children whether I like it or not and it is up to me to follow or stay behind on my own.

I understand that she misses her family although she sees them quite a lot considering they are in a different country but I know I would hate it, I like Poland but it is something I could have done when we were first married before the children but I don’t even enjoy going on holiday there as I feel saturated by her family and I know it would be worse if we lived there.

I haven’t told her my feelings as it would upset her but I know she wouldn’t change her mind anyway.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t even pray for it.

Has anyone else faced this sort of dilemma?

Thanks.
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Can you negotiate a location in Poland that is not that close to her family? Like, maybe an hour or two away?

Also, could you negotiate a long working visit, with the plan to re-discuss where to live at a certain point (6 months or a year)?

It’s quite possible that she is feeling homesick, but that if she actually goes back to Poland and is around her family non-stop, she’ll realize she needs a little more space. Or she may realize that she really does like England more.

Is there anything in particular she doesn’t like about England that is fixable? Can you live in an area of England with more Poles? Find a Polish parish?

Get her to marriage counseling or your priest (ideally a Polish one) and see what you can work out.

(I happen to have some Polish family members, so I understand what the cultural dimensions are in this situation. Interestingly, in my experience, while Poles can be very nostalgic about the old country, even they can find that a little bit of the old country goes a looooong way.)
 
Nelka said:
We live in England, I am English, my wife is Polish. We have two infants.

My wife mentioned a few months ago that she wants to move back to Poland, she mentioned it again today and talked more about it.

It seems like she has made her mind up, she was talking about herself and the children but when I mentioned me she said that I could come if I wanted, that felt like she is going and taking the children whether I like it or not and it is up to me to follow or stay behind on my own.

I understand that she misses her family although she sees them quite a lot considering they are in a different country but I know I would hate it, I like Poland but it is something I could have done when we were first married before the children but I don’t even enjoy going on holiday there as I feel saturated by her family and I know it would be worse if we lived there.

I haven’t told her my feelings as it would upset her but I know she wouldn’t change her mind anyway.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t even pray for it.

Has anyone else faced this sort of dilemma?

Thanks.
Click to expand...
I won’t comment on other parts of your post, but about the bolded I’d get some legal advise to make sure your rights as a parent aren’t violated if she decides to move back to Poland without you. I’d do this ASAP in case her mind is already made up about the move. Better safe than sorry.
 
Siegehammer said:
I won’t comment on other parts of your post, but about the bolded I’d get some legal advise to make sure your rights as a parent aren’t violated if she decides to move back to Poland without you. I’d do this ASAP in case her mind is already made up about the move. Better safe than sorry.
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That is an unpleasant possibility.

At least in the US, I know that the other parent has to sign off on children’s travel out of the US.
 
This is a difficult situation, and I think it most definitely would not hurt you to pray the Divine Mercy chaplet everyday for some sort of resolution to this problem.

It seems it is your wife’s heart that needs some changing here.

God Bless You.
 
Certainly, you should pray a LOT.

It isn’t in our place to hmm and haw at such a delicate matter, but we can give any advice.

I’d say you should keep asking her what she meant by you coming if you like, because if I said to my (imaginary) wife that I wanted to move to Wales I’m sure I’d expect her to come anyway.

Maybe you could work out a 6 month/6 month deal, however that wouldn’t be economically viable would it.
 
That’s tough. I wouldn’t enjoy uprooting my family and moving to another country either.

Why does she want to move? Does she detest living in England as much as you detest the idea of living in Poland? Is there any way to compromise? I like the idea of choosing a Polish city that doesn’t have any family members nearby, or a different city in the UK that has a stronger Polish presence.

I agree with the suggestions to start talking about this as a marriage/communication issue and not necessarily as a logistical one. Yes, you need to figure out where you can both live happily, but also it’s scary that she’s basically threatening to take your kids and abandon you. Are you having (other) marital problems?

Finally, I know what it feels like to need to pray about something but not want to or feel able to. In those cases, start with a really basic prayer: “Lord, I know I need to pray about this, but I can’t. Help me. Give me the desire to pray about this situation.” And repeat as necessary.

God bless.
 
In my early twenties I decided I had to get away from my abusive family situation and I told my husband I wanted to move to Europe. He was in the military and made it happen almost immediately. I will always love him for that. We spent nearly a decade in Germany and Italy.
If I were you, I’d make it happen for your wife’s sake. And then I’d be happy for her sake as well.
 
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