My family fell apart

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losinghope2

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I got pregnant when i was 19 years old 2 a man who was 29 at the time and an alcoholic (which i didnt know). When we found out i was pregnant he was excited and i was freaked and didnt know how to tell my family. Everything ended up going better with my family then i thought, very supportivie. My boyfriend at the time took off and i didnt hear from him for a few months. He finally calls me 3 months before the baby’s due and we decided to get back together and make things work for the baby’s sake. Everything was wonderful he went to rehab for awhile did the AA meetings and seemed sobered up. A month after i had the baby we got engaged and a month after that we broke up and he dated someone else. That was in 2002. We ended up getting back together i mean i loved the guy more then anything (except my kids) i felt bad for him he never really had a family. I ended up moving in with him and got really sick one morning and late found out i was pregnant AGAIN. I was 22 at the time and we werent trying and we were having some major problems but he told me everything would be ok So im 3 months pregnant at this time and i find out that hes cheating on me with some girl he works with…WHOA so he took off for 7 months leaving me by myself pregnant with a 2 year old. I was heartbroken. So a month before i give birth i get a phone call from him begging me 2 go see him…(and i went) He told me he was going to see his family who he hasnt seen in 16 years and he would be gone a week and when he got back he wanted to talk. So he leaves i give birth and i hear nothing from him. A little depressed because i gave everything to this man everything. I tried so hard to make it work not only for me but for my babies. I always wanted my kids to have both parents not one or the other and i dont believe in step-parents. So a month after having the baby i get a letter from him telling me he got in2 trouble and hes in a Christian rehab for alcohol and drugs. In the letter he told me how sorry he was for everything and how much he loved me and how he wants to be a family with me and the girls and how he screwed up and that i was the best thing and he took me for granted and what not. So of course stupid me i fall for it again. This time i figured ok he is a changed man he believes in God so God’s going to help him through this hes going to make sure were all ok and make everything better. i got letters 1-2 a week and they were nice sweet letters like a completly different person. We talked about getting married i picked out my wedding dress the date the guest list where it was going to be everything. He even wrote me a letter with what he was going to say in our wedding vows. So i think yeah maybe its finally going to happen were finally going to be a family. So i go down to visit him in July of this year to (SC cause thats where he is now) So i bring the girls down he saw my youngest baby for the first time ever and it was nice. Now hes a “changed man” hes a “christian believer” he gave up everything for god. He doesnt swear any more we couldnt make love until we were married i respected that. So after my vacation i get home talk to him ask him whats going on because we planned on moving down there to start over. He tells me im 2 pushy and to back off. So i backed off…i got a phone call from him a month later telling me he has some good news and some bad news; the good news was i didnt have to worry about him any more the bad news was he got married! MARRIED* When i was down there planning our wedding and OUR FUTURE together he was SEEING another woman…a woman he met off the interent who is supposivly a CHRISTIAN woman herself. So can someone please explain to me how a so called believer of Christ can do this to someone who cares more about the other person then they did there self. How could someone who promised the world to his kids and how he would never ever leave again not be here? I believe in god 110% but i dont get how God could make me keeping going through the same **** over and over knowing i have 2 kids with this man and whom i love more then life…i mean if we werent meant to be together why would god bless me with two BEAUTIFUL girls with this man? I know god wasnt the one who held a gun to my head and made me sleep with him…but i dont get it? I dont get why god would want or make someone hurt so bad is it a test or what? I have alot of support and help from my family but i dont think they understand how destroyed this man made me…im 23 years old with two kids and a man who left me for someone he doesnt even know .I spent the last 4 years of my life with this man my first serious relationship…why was it so easy for him to marry someone he doesnt know and if hes such a believer why didnt he do the right thing, Like he promised?
 
This is a prime example of why sex outside of marriage is not a good idea. This has nothing to do with God. Your scummy man is a player, period. He played you. I would not contact him again. I would get an attorney and seek to terminate his parental rights. He has chosen not to be with you or the girls, so he has abdicated the honor of being called “daddy.” You say your family is supportive, great, go with it. In the meantime, if you are not in school, get there, …or in some type of job training. Cashier at the Piggly Wiggly is not going to get you a 401K retirement and a career. It’s time to put on your big girl panties and do what is best for your girls. Crying over a bum, isn’t it. The focus is the “girls”. He does not deserve the title of “daddy”. He lost that the first time, when he abondoned you. Don’t fall for that “I’m a Christian now”, crapola…he’s lying. No one who is spirit filled does that to another human being.

Don’t ask for child support or money, change your phone number, and don’t give it to him. Get a lawyer and get him out of your life, and move on. In the meantime, never mind, men, raise your girls. They need a mom with grit and determination to fullfill their needs.

Find peace within yourself, and pray for strength, you are going to need it. Good luck to you.
 
Dear losinghope2,
First I want to say that your letter really touched me and I am greatly sorry for the way this man treated you. As a christian man myself, these types of actions are farthest from the teaching of Christ himself and his claim to be Christian is only in speech, but not in deed… ie when Christ says “this generation honors me with its lips but their hearts are far from me.” I can understand why you are upset and wish to blame God at this moment, but we have to remember that God gave us free will so we can choose to love him, not be forced to and sadly many use it not to serve God and instead hurt others and themselves.
I know you wished things might have worked out with this man, but ask yourself this question: “was he worthy of your love and to be married when he has never followed through on a promise?” Do you want to marry a man who has cheated on you, lied to you, abandoned his and your children and does not have seem to have regard for your needs or the children’s? What if you did get married and he ran off again, or had his drug problems? It seems to me he has never shown that the cycle of pain he continues to put you through would have ended. In the end, although God does not desire children out of wedlock or the father and mother not to be happily married, we must remember we live in a fallen world with people who have free wills and can make poor choices.
The Good News is that Christ came to redeem the world and even take what is bad and make something better out of it. First, your daughters in them of themselves are beautiful made in His image and likeness and we should always rejoice at the gift of life. Second, god has blessed you with the ability to be a mother, a great privelage and repsonsibility, but something wonderful when you serve them, you serve Christ himself and God will reward you with eternal life for your devotion and love to them. Also, God always has better plans than our own although we cannot see them. He must work with us as faulty instruments and not force us to do his will, so in the end, this ex-boyfriend of yours chose to be bad in his relationship to you and God willed that someone like him not be in your life anymore because he would only cause more harm. Christ is close to you although hard to tell in his sufferings and I know its hard, but by turning towards loving your children, you will be able to let go and forgive their father, love yourself, and most importantly Love God!
I will continue to pray for you and know that if God never abandoned his son who died on the Cross (the worst injustice of all) he will not abandon you! And behalf of males who see women as masterpiece’s of God, I apologize for the twisting and decietful behaivor you had to go through, but your children are beautiful and God has shown you love by granting them in your life. We find joy when we let go of focusing on our own wants and learn to love and serve others. I will pray that you can move on from this pain and find joy in the new life God is offering. Trust him… he never disappoints!😃
 
losinghope2 said:
i mean if we werent meant to be together why would god bless me with two BEAUTIFUL girls with this man?
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I know your heart is breaking over all this, and I’ve been there. I was in an invalid marriage with a man who also never had any family and was extremely abusive. I confessed my sins and for several months I lived with him (chastely), hoping and praying for his healing. I hoped that he would stop being violent and that we could have our marriage convalidated and live happily ever after. I had read of saintly women who had prayed for their husbands and gained their conversions.

But the more I prayed, the worse this man treated me. Finally I realized that this was not what God wanted for my son and I.

Like you, I was so confused! For months I had been doing the correct, moral thing. I had been good, kind, and giving of myself. Why did it all blow up in my face? Why wasn’t I like St. Monica?

Because it didn’t all depend on me. It also depended on the father of my child. God gives us the priceless gift of free will, and this man had chosen to exercise that gift for evil. The father of my son also called himself a Christian. But we know Christians by their fruits, not by the labels they put on themselves. Making empty promises is not behavior befitting a follower of Christ.

That isn’t to say that their souls are lost. From our vantage point we cannot judge the state of other people’s souls, the difficulty of their personal challenges, or the degree to which they are responding to the call of God.

To me it seems that God has saved you and I from spending the rest of our lives with men who clearly do not value us or even their own offspring. You will have other crosses (one of them being your great pain and grief in this moment), but it seems that God did not intend for you to suffer at this man’s side. The Lord has allowed the matter to be taken out of your hands. Praise God!

As for your beautiful children… God is so good, he knows how to take our errors and transform them into something beautiful. These children are not a sign that you are bound to their father. They are (among other things) a sign of God’s mercy and great love for you. God believes in you so much, He trusts you to educate, love, and care for these two little souls! When I look upon my son, I am amazed that in spite of all my faults God has chosen to entrust me with this most serious mission, and to bless me with this great joy.

You are in my prayers!
 
losinghope2 said:
… I believe in god 110% but i dont get how God could make me keeping going through the same **** over and over knowing i have 2 kids with this man and whom i love more then life…i mean if we werent meant to be together why would god bless me with two BEAUTIFUL girls with this man? …I have alot of support and help from my family but i dont think they understand how destroyed this man made me…im 23 years old with two kids and a man who left me for someone he doesnt even know .I spent the last 4 years of my life with this man my first serious relationship…
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I don’t know why he did what this man did to you, but you are blessed to have a supportive family. While it hurts now, you don’t have to continue going through the same thing with this man–or any other man. God brings beautiful things out of our sins when we place our trust in Him. It will be difficult, but your daughters can help you now to grow in grace, as we often do better for ourselves for the sake of our children. Refrain from dating anyone for a while, and if you ever do resume dating, remember no sex before marriage next time. Your obligation is to your daughters now. You and your daughters deserve better than this. I’ll say a prayer for you.
 
Hi there “Losing Hope”,

I don’t think I can come up with any ideal answers to your situation, since you’ve obviously been badly treated. I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I’m sending you my sympathies. 😦

It goes without saying that this man’s behavior has nothing to do with being a “Christian”; it goes totally against everything the Church teaches.

I hope you don’t feel that your experience is some sort of “punishment” from God for having been involved with this guy. You really need God now more than ever, to give you the strength you’ll need to care for yourself and your girls. He does love you, faithfully and forever. He is where you’ll find what you’re looking for.

One thing I can’t help thinking is that you need a very long break from dating relationships to heal from this thing and focus on the family you already have. If and when it is time to move on to someone new, realize that you (and your girls) deserve to have a permanent and truly loving family life with a mature and responsible man. You’ve already seen that cohabitation and sex out of marriage doesn’t get you that; it gets you kicked around. But living chastity and insisting on only a real Christian man (who behaves that way and doesn’t just throw the word around) can get you where you need to be. And if you don’t find that, you and your girls will do better as a loving “single mom” family than with a series of immature and selfish boyfriends.

Signed with my prayers,
Joan

p.s. It could be a good idea to talk with an attorney about your legal rights, and about any rights this guy could try to claim in the future. You want to be prepared and to protect your girls.
 
Well i appreciate everyone’s response back helped alot makes me feel a lot better about myself. I have a few other things to say so noone gets the wrong idea. 1) I did love the man more then anything i loved him still do. 2) My girls mean more to me then anything or anyone in this world. I would never trade them off for anything or leave them for any reason. I was always a religious person but never got that deep into it until now. I dont blame god i actually thank him for giving me two of the most amazing girls in the world. There my life i pray every day that i can support them and give them the love they need and i dont depend on anyone else to help raise them or support them for me. I cant say that i make millions but right now i do make enough to support my girls and give them what then need. I was putting off school for the longest time waiting for this man to take care of me and my kids and now i know that not only is it NOT going to happen but it was stupid of me. I start school November 14th and im looking forward to it. I want a better life for my kids and ill do whatever it takes to see that they get it. I already contacted someone from the courts asking what i had to do to get his rights taken away and how i dont want child support. The lady told me no matter what i had to get child support (im not getting it now nor have i been for the past 2 years) she also said dont worry about him seeing the kids just because he pays child support doesnt mean he gets the kids every other week or whatever. She said he would have to take me to court to get it granted or something; and i know him well enough to know hes not going to waste his TIME or money to go through with it. Hes 650 miles away from me so im not to worried myself. I just couldnt figure out why he made me and my kids all these promises being a CHRISTIAN man and then get married to someone else. Ill never really understand it but i do know i hate the fact that he calls his self a CHRISTIAN person and that he does everything by the bible yet he walked out on his kids…i do forgive him but get depressed once in awhile when i think about him with his new wife and her two kids and not his own. He hasnt called in over 2 months and i honestly hope he doesnt. I do alot better when i dont know anything or hear from him. I dont plan on seeing or being with anyone for a LONG time and i mean LONG and im okay with that…i know alot of people who read this think im some white trash trailor skank who sleeps around but im SO FAR FROM BEING THAT. I didnt plan on getting pregnant but i do know i would never ever take it back…everytime i look at my girls even when im sad or hurt whatever i get the biggest smile on my face and THANK GOD for everything…honestly i ADORE my kids and although there father maybe a butthead im going to do everything in my POWER to give them the life they deserve. I was just afraid for awhile that they would either hate me or feel bad that there dad left and i never want to hurt my kids and i couldnt figure out why someone else would want to, too. I dont know! I do thank everyone for taking the time to read it i feel alot better by reading each comment…so thanks* God bless 😃
 
losinghope2 said:
I ? I believe in god 110% but i dont get how God could make me keeping going through the same **** over and over knowing i have 2 kids with this man and whom i love more then life…i mean if we werent meant to be together why would god bless me with two BEAUTIFUL girls with this man? I?
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God? what has God to do with the consequences of your bad choices and the fact that the men in your life are jerks? God’s role in all this was the gift of two beautiful daughters. If you were meant to be together, better ask the guy why he has not honored commitment–God always honors His promises. If you sincerely want an answer to why you make very poor choices of men to whom you entrust your most sacred intimate self, and whom you chose to be the father of your children, I would suggest (since you ask) what I would and have said to my own daughters: get professional help so you don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Let’s not blame God for the evil that men do.
 
Puzzle- I never once said that this was God’s fault. I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my ACTIONS. Im just starting to get into the bible so theres alot of things im UNSURE about as im sure you were. My question was more or less could this be a test? Could something better come along or what not. Thank god theres other people out there who UNDERSTAND what i meant and are rather helpful with there comments. Im not putting the blame on anyone and just because i picked one bad egg doesnt make me an evil person. I try to see the good in all people and help those who are troubled. For myself im a little troubled and doubtful at times and seeked help from people whom i THOUGHT could help. Although i appreciate your comment but please dont judge me. Im not perfect as no one is. =) Thanks though i understand where your coming from!
 
. I already contacted someone from the courts asking what i had to do to get his rights taken away and how i dont want child support. The lady told me no matter what i had to get child support (im not getting it now nor have i been for the past 2 years) she also said dont worry about him seeing the kids just because he pays child support doesnt mean he gets the kids every other week or whatever. She said he would have to take me to court to get it granted or something; and i know him well enough to know hes not going to waste his TIME or money to go through with it. Hes 650 miles away from me so im not to worried myself.

Whoever told you that HE had to pay…isn’t so. If you get an attorney, he will draw up the papers, have them served and he will sign them, OR he will have to pay back child support in lum sum, and then back pay for child #2. When presented with that, I doubt seriously that his “honey” with the 2 kidlets is going have money taken out “her” pocket. He will sign and that ends that. He has proven he is scum and should be treated as such. Your plan to go to school is a good one. Education is something of which no man can be robbed. Go for it. You have your family to help you. Once bitten twice shy. Stay away from dating until you can get a hold of your life. Kids are FIRST, your love life is dead last. A real man admires a successful women, a women who can live with him or without him. Her success begins with her own money. You fell in love with a jerk. I wish your parents had warned you. Ah but then again, as did my daughter…you girls never listen until it’s too late.

Dust off your shoes and move on. First thing, is terminate his rights. I don’t care if you cry in your pillow everynight, pining over him. Think of the girls. Would you let a scum bag of a man around them? Of course not, you would do everything in your power to keep him away. Do it.

Also, contact your local clergy and seek spiritual counseling. This will help you gain the strenghth you need to move forward. Your spirit meter is on empty, go fill it up…and live a good life!
 
losinghope2 said:
Puzzle- I never once said that this was God’s fault. I take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for my ACTIONS. Im just starting to get into. Although i appreciate your comment but please dont judge me. Im not perfect as no one is. =) Thanks though i understand where your coming from!
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I was not making a judgement, I was answering your questions in OP. If you don’t want to hear various opinions, it would be best if you don’t ask for them. We are all trying to be helpful. may I suggest you take the comment which are helpful to you at this time, and disregard the rest, no need to snap back at anyone who is trying to help you. No one here is competent to give legal advice, which you badly need by your own account. No one here is competent to give you marriage counselling or spiritual direction, which you also say you need. May I suggest you make recourse to professionals in those fields who can help you. Try Catholic Charities if finances are a problem. All we can offer is our own opinions and experience, which may or may not be useful to you.
 
OP, in all that you have posted, you have not given any info about yourself.

How do you feel about yourself? Who are you as a person? What is your life story?

This man has done serious wrong against you. What is your past experience, that you would allow this to happen to you? It sounds as if you have been trained to accept wrongful behavior.

Where are your parents and family? You say they are supportive. Where are they in this story, stopping this man from hurting you or advising against this abuse?
 
Julianna said:
*First thing, is terminate his rights. I don’t care if you cry in your pillow everynight, pining over him. Think of the girls. Would you let a scum bag of a man around them? Of course not, you would do everything in your power to keep him away. Do it.
*

This may vary from state to state, but termination of parental rights is generally not as easy as it used to be and in most cases it is legally impossible. The reason for this is that termination of rights prevents the state from pursuing the non-custodial parent for child support. The state wants to be able to do this to help offset the high cost of means-tested benefits.

Some people have the mistaken notion that the father of the child exchanges child support for visitation time. This is not true. If the father is legally entitled to visitation, he can visit the kids whether he pays or not. Likewise, if he is legally barred from seeing the children, he still has to pay child support.

The OP may be able to succeed in gaining full custody (which is different from parental rights), especially if she can provide sworn statements and/or evidence of the man’s alcoholism. This is enough to protect her children on a temporary basis, giving her full residential time with the children and all decision-making power. But as far as I know most states do not allow for termination of parental rights in a case like this.
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Hun i never meant to snap at you or anyone else…i just wasnt sure if you understood where i was coming from. I dont blame god never have never will. that was mainly my point.

Now me as a person im 23 David was the first man to ever enter my life and tell me he loved me and how he was never going to leave and made all these promises so of course it felt good hearing it. My family is very supportive i actually should have listened to them in the begining and i wouldnt have to keep going through this over and over, but like someone said earlier “us girls do what we want” (or something of that sort) My dad hated the man after the first time david left but tried giving him a chance, but i guess in my daddy’s eyes he would never redeem himself for screwing up so bad. My mother wasnt a big fan of him either but David has a way of conviencing people that he was really good just a man with bad choices. So just like me my mother kept giving him the benifit of the doubt. I dont know how many times my whole family told me to move on and how much better i would be with out him but did i listen? Nope! All i kept thinking about was my kids having there dad growing up and how bad i wanted that. I was 16 when my parents got a divorce and they both remarriend and till this day i dislike both of there spouses so i always told myself that i would never ever remarry or bring another man around my kids unless it was there father. I know i didnt like the whole stepparent **** and i just dont want to put my kids through it. Not saying that step-parents are bad, just in my situation i never really found the good in them…know what i mean? Any how i do APPRECIATE your opinions and i value them 100% i feel 50% better about the situation and have more ideas on what to do now then i have before. So i thank you* I never meant to snap i just didnt want you to think the whole reason i was even writing was to blame god…because thats not that case!!! TY
 
It sound like you may be suffering from the Cinderella Complex. 90% of the women on welfare have this unrealistic view of life. The media is partially to blame for this. Look at the movies like Pretty Woman, Sleepless is Seattle, etc-not to mention all the cartoons like Cinderella. I am so sorry that you have fallen into such a game playing scenerio. One thing I can tell you for sure is that God did not do this. You definately need legal guidance. There are social services that will help you get the education you need. Someday you will see that the Lord is carrying you right now, you are just too hurt and confused to see this. Take one day at a time, if that is too much, take one hour at a time. Do the best you can for your children and your family in that hour, then go to the next hour. Set aside a certain time to plan for your future and set goals that are attainable. My prayers are with you and your family.
 
He says you dont have to worry about him anymore BUT that does not mean he doesnt have obligations to his children. He should support your children. It would be a serious disservice to them to let him walk away from this finanical obligation. You need to get a lawyer and get one fast.

As far as the emotional side to this you are in my prayers. Just a hint for the future . In AA we say the classic defninition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results.
 
I have to agree with several other posters…get a lawyer and get this man to support (financial) his children…IMHO it is stupid to let him get off scott free and let teh taxpayers or your family support his children!
 
It sounds like you are making plans to protect both your future and your girls’. Going back to school is an excellent idea. It also sounds like despite the diappointment & grief, you are working through it, turning to your faith and trying to pick up the pieces and go on. Good for you.

You are so much better than that loser. Don’t envy his wife… pity her. He will do to her what he did to you… cheat, lie & move on. You asked how he could be a Christian and treat you this way? Either he isn’t a Christian and he was telling you what he thought you wanted to hear or he is a Christian but he’s a really lousy one. I’ve heard it said that when somebody shows you who they are the first time, believe him. He showed you what sort of person he was over & over again. That’s who he is. Can God change him? Sure - if he’s willing. But I for one wouldn’t give him a second of my time waiting to find out.

Trust God and remain faithful to Him. Don’t have any more sex until you are married regardless of how great the guy seems. Give thanks for those beautiful babies you were blessed with and keep busy mothering them and building a life for yourselves. You can do it. 👍

In my prayers,
CM
 
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