My family fell apart

[Philothea_2.0]

All we can offer is our own opinions and experience, which may or may not be useful to you.

Actually, that’s not all we can offer. We can also offer her our prayers, charity and love, all of which will DEFINITELY be useful to her.

losinghope2, you know that God loves you and has a plan for you. You must know it every time you look upon your daughters’ precious faces. But you also know that He allows us to make our own choices, even the ones that are really bad for us.

You can’t spend time thinking about what should have been – you can only deal with what is. You are a single mother with two children. You are very young. But you have a supportive family, enough money, and access to education, so you’re in better shape than many moms in your position. Better yet, you are becoming aware that God is real and cares for you. This will change your life! Get to church. You don’t say if you are Catholic, but if you are, then go to confession! Get the sacraments! These are gifts that will help you on your way!

Think about what you would want your daughter to do in your position. Would you want her to waste time pining for her tumultuous past, or would you want her to move on? Would you want her to go it alone, or go with God and His Church? Whatever good you would want for your daughter, you must also want it for yourself. Your daughters will follow the example you set for them. Make it worthy.

I will pray for you!

 

[losinghope2]

I dont envy his wife nor do i pity her. She knew i was down there on vacation trying to work things out, she knew we had a wedding in November she knew i was moving down there so my kids could be with there father. This man who shes only known a month already lied to her and CHEATED on her and she knew, she knew about everything so i dont feel sorry for her one bit. If you knew the man you were getting involved with was trying to make it work with his (soon to be wife) would you continue to even talk to the man? If you knew the man had a past of cheating and lying and what not would you not simply walk away? The only reason why i stayed with him so long was because i TRIED to make things work i TRIED to help him, i wanted nothing more but for him to be a father to his kids. I loved the man more then anything but i cant change him or make him into something he isnt. I dont believe hes a Christian man, i believe its all in his head. One thing i dont get and im sure i never will but why is it everytime he needed SOMEONE or SOMETHING I being the stupid person iam was always there. I never once turned my back on this man…not once so why is it so easy for him to treat me and my two girls like total **** but someone woman and her kids he couldnt even walk away from and do the right thing? Why am i always the one who ended up getting hurt? Was it because i was stupid enough to let it happen or what? I mean im the mother of his kids, how could any1 treat the mother of there kids like dirt? Thats one thing ill never figure out…is how someone could be so nice to someone and try to help more then anything and they just get dumped on…whatever!

(((Think about what you would want your daughter to do in your position. Would you want her to waste time pining for her tumultuous past, or would you want her to move on? Would you want her to go it alone, or go with God and His Church? Whatever good you would want for your daughter, you must also want it for yourself. Your daughters will follow the example you set for them. Make it worthy)))

I never looked at it like that. I dont want my daughters making the same mistakes i made…i want them to be so much better then me. I cant believe how much your post has helped me…and made me realize things that i probably wouldnt have. I do know one thing though and i dont know how many times i told myself this and my family/friends, but i will not let him destroy me again or my kids. EVER! I know how bad i hurt from all this and ill be darned if i let my kids go through it. NO WAY! I have a child support hearing coming up in december and i do believe im going to get what i deserve (money wise) At first i wasnt sure if i even wanted to file because i know then he’ll have rights to my kids but i remember the last phone conversation i had with him i asked him if he was working and where at and he said “why, are you taking me to child support?” and i said “yes” and he said well good because then ill get rights to see the girls. I know what he meant by that because i told him several times i dont want your money especially if it means you have rights to the girls i wont let it happen. So when he said that to me it was more or less yeah go head take me to child support because then ill get to see the kids 2 months out of the summer and every other weekend…he said it basically so i would back down. Thats what he meant by it…he thinks i have no balls and wont go through with what i say and this time iam…im not letting him control me or my kids ANYMORE! So thanks everyone sooooo sooooo much for all the advice you have no idea how much it truly helped!!! You guys are in my thought n prayers*

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

So when he said that to me it was more or less yeah go head take me to child support because then ill get to see the kids 2 months out of the summer and every other weekend…he said it basically so i would back down.

I don’t know about the laws in your state, but in my state, he would be a liar. Paying child support does not earn a person the right to see his kids. That right is completely separate. Hopefully you will secure an attorney to help you draw up a parenting plan (also known as custody agreement) that brings his neglect and alcoholism to light. A judge isn’t going to send a couple of young girls to live two months of the year with an unreliable drunk who has spent very little time with his girls in the past. Don’t let him scare you. Get a good lawyer if you have to sell your left kidney to do it.

 

[deb1]

I know that your life is in turmoil right now and that you are in emotional pain but you are acting in the best manner possible.

You are planning on getting your education and admitting that you made some big mistakes in your past life. It seems as though you are moving forward as you should.

I would get a good lawyer though and get child support payments from him. Be certain to bring up all the issues that you are having with his alcoholism so that he can’t get visitation rights.

Also, keep us all informed as to what is going on in your life.

 

[losinghope2]

In ohio i do believe he has right no matter what but im not sure. Im not really worried about it because i know the man and i know he doesnt want to be bothered with two little girls and taking care of them. Hes selfish he rather go along about his business and do what he does. I do know though hes not a drunk any more that was the whole reason for the Christian Rehab he was on coke and an alcoholic got into some trouble and had a choice of doing the Rehab or prison so of course he did the rehab so i do know now he hasnt had a drink in almost a year nor touched any drugs. I dont want this man ever back in my life nor my kids and i will do everything in my POWER if i do have to sell my right kidney to make sure he never sees them again. One thing i do want to let people responding back know… i would never in a million years put my kids in any kind of DANGER, i knew david was a recovering alcoholic when i met him but didnt know he was involved with coke…he got some help and slipped up several times with the alcohol but i stayed and tryed to help him through it since everyone else in his life bailed…when i did find out about coke i took my kids (when i lived with him at the time) and left…told him he needed some major help for me to ever consider getting back so he begged on his hands and knees crying his eyes out for me not to leave and help him…so i did i took him to his AA meetings i did everything for him, but not once did i ever put my kids in danger with that c r a p! So i hope no1 thinks that! So why is it that he begged me several times to stay and help him when i was ready to walk, but when i need (or needed) him he wasnt around and never is? Can someone please explain to me how he could treat me of all people the only one who never bailed in his life like c r a p but some woman who just enters his world he would die for? Does that make sense? I dont know im young yet it’ll take me awhile but maybe one day ill figure it out! As for me and my babies were moving i start school on the 14th of this MONTH (WHOA im excited) and making a future for me and my girls…i dont need anyone (expecially man) helping me raise my girls i may be all sad and depressed now but i wont be for ever…it’ll take time like everyone said and i plan on making the best of my life for me and my girls! SO THANKS for everything because im telling you i feel SO MUCH BETTER just knowing that im not the only one who thinks hes a shady person!!! THANKS GUYS!

 

[Karin]

In ohio i do believe he has right no matter what but im not sure. Im not really worried about it because i know the man and i know he doesnt want to be bothered with two little girls and taking care of them. Hes selfish he rather go along about his business and do what he does. I do know though hes not a drunk any more that was the whole reason for the Christian Rehab he was on coke and an alcoholic got into some trouble and had a choice of doing the Rehab or prison so of course he did the rehab so i do know now he hasnt had a drink in almost a year nor touched any drugs. I dont want this man ever back in my life nor my kids and i will do everything in my POWER if i do have to sell my right kidney to make sure he never sees them again. One thing i do want to let people responding back know… i would never in a million years put my kids in any kind of DANGER, i knew david was a recovering alcoholic when i met him but didnt know he was involved with coke…he got some help and slipped up several times with the alcohol but i stayed and tryed to help him through it since everyone else in his life bailed…when i did find out about coke i took my kids (when i lived with him at the time) and left…told him he needed some major help for me to ever consider getting back so he begged on his hands and knees crying his eyes out for me not to leave and help him…so i did i took him to his AA meetings i did everything for him, but not once did i ever put my kids in danger with that c r a p! So i hope no1 thinks that! So why is it that he begged me several times to stay and help him when i was ready to walk, but when i need (or needed) him he wasnt around and never is? Can someone please explain to me how he could treat me of all people the only one who never bailed in his life like c r a p but some woman who just enters his world he would die for? Does that make sense? I dont know im young yet it’ll take me awhile but maybe one day ill figure it out! As for me and my babies were moving i start school on the 14th of this MONTH (WHOA im excited) and making a future for me and my girls…i dont need anyone (expecially man) helping me raise my girls i may be all sad and depressed now but i wont be for ever…it’ll take time like everyone said and i plan on making the best of my life for me and my girls! SO THANKS for everything because im telling you i feel SO MUCH BETTER just knowing that im not the only one who thinks hes a shady person!!! THANKS GUYS!

to answer your question…he treated you like c**p becuase you let him terat you like this…plain and simple!

 

[LittleRose]

So why is it that he begged me several times to stay and help him when i was ready to walk, but when i need (or needed) him he wasnt around and never is? Can someone please explain to me how he could treat me of all people the only one who never bailed in his life like c r a p but some woman who just enters his world he would die for? Does that make sense?

It sounds to me like he is the kind of person who just uses and manipulates other people. It sounds like everyone else who bailed on him probably left because they (like you) eventually figured this out and had enough. If it’s any comfort, I doubt his relationship with this new woman is as rosy as it sounds. People don’t stop being selfish overnight, no matter whom they meet. If he’s not taking responsibility for his past, he’s not a changed man.

 

[Katie1723]

Child support and child custody are 2 separate issues. Because someone pays support does not automatically mean they “get to see the kids”. It means they pay what is due the child…not you…the child. Custody is a whole other issue.
Kathy

 

[Robaynne]

This is not a easy time for you. But I am going to tell you this you are not alone. There are lots of women out there who have had men that they loved so much walk out on them and leave them with kids. I am one of those women. But things do get better with time.

David is afraid of responsibility. Those two children are his RESPONSIBILITY. You did not make those kids alone he has a financial responsibility to them STOP HAVING PRIDE. You need to make sure that he maintains those two kids. I also had pride and said that I will take care of my two kids but in todays world things are expensive and he has responsibility to those two kids. I was very irratated when people say that you should not get money from him. You have every right to get something out of him not for him for the kids. Even if you put that into a bank account for them do so.

Another no Christian acts the way he does. He made promises to you but could not fulfill them. Do you think that he is not going to do the same to his new wife. A tiger does not change his spots. He is going to come I gaurantee you that when things do not work out with him and the new wife then he will come running back to you and making empty promises again. That is when you tell him to go to hell. You do not take him back because he is an irresponsible man you gave him so many chances and he blew it. He does not deserve you.

You will get over him eventually. But do not make the mistake thinking that he is going to change. You are still very young and have a whole life ahead of you. Go read some of my threads and read other things that people have written you are not alone. I was with my husband for 12 years and have 2 children. I am only 32 and he is 33 but he walked out and left me and the kids for a 19 year old girl who is have a baby with.

The hurt and pain does go away eventually. And one day you are going to realise that you are so much better off without him. You have 2 beautiful treasures and he is going to miss out on so much. One day he going to realise that and he is going to regret. If he can do this to you then he can do it to anybody.

Do not take offense what puzzle said. At first I also thought that you were blaming God. But when you explained it I understood. There was I time when I was so angry with God and felt that how can he forsaken me. And why am I suffering for this. But then I realised that there is life out there.

Pray and read the bible and you are not a cheap women. You were blinded by love and a lying cheating man. Don’t blame yourself, you are not to blame. That man needs to grow up. And just thank God that you found out about him now rather than later. He will always run away from responsibility. With you there was alot of responsibility involved. LET HIM GO HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TEARS OR PAIN. You will find something better than him one day. Just take it one day at a time. I know better than anybody what you are going through.

If you want to send a private message and we can talk feel free to do so.

I am one person that he not going to sugar coat things for you, you need to be strong for those two kids, you need to dust yourself off and move on, you need to make him pain financially for those two kids. They are his responsibility as much as it is yours. You were not alone in the baby making process so don’t let him off so easily.

 

[LSK]

Like you, I was so confused! For months I had been doing the correct, moral thing. I had been good, kind, and giving of myself. Why did it all blow up in my face? Why wasn’t I like St. Monica?

Because it didn’t all depend on me. It also depended on the father of my child. God gives us the priceless gift of free will, and this man had chosen to exercise that gift for evil. The father of my son also called himself a Christian. But we know Christians by their fruits, not by the labels they put on themselves. Making empty promises is not behavior befitting a follower of Christ.

That isn’t to say that their souls are lost. From our vantage point we cannot judge the state of other people’s souls, the difficulty of their personal challenges, or the degree to which they are responding to the call of God.

To me it seems that God has saved you and I from spending the rest of our lives with men who clearly do not value us or even their own offspring. You will have other crosses (one of them being your great pain and grief in this moment), but it seems that God did not intend for you to suffer at this man’s side. The Lord has allowed the matter to be taken out of your hands. Praise God!

As for your beautiful children… God is so good, he knows how to take our errors and transform them into something beautiful. These children are not a sign that you are bound to their father. They are (among other things) a sign of God’s mercy and great love for you. God believes in you so much, He trusts you to educate, love, and care for these two little souls! When I look upon my son, I am amazed that in spite of all my faults God has chosen to entrust me with this most serious mission, and to bless me with this great joy.

You are in my prayers!

What wise words from a woman who has been there - this is the product of your deepening prayer life, a mature Christian outlook and the ability to share your experience, strength and hope with another suffering woman.

And for the OP - honey, I know this is a tough one to face but the reality is your family did not fall apart because he was never apart of a family. You need now to put Christ and your family back in your life, in that order, and you will survive this heartbreak.

 

[redtech]

my advice is to suck as much child support as you possibly can out of this guy and then move on with your life. Chalk it up as a lesson learned. I know you said you don’t believe in step-parents, but you are young. Don’t pass up a good man who could be a good father to your children.

 

[losinghope2]

I do plan on taking him for everything he has…which isnt much but im still taking. For the last 3 years i dont think David bought my kids one thing nothing for Christmas there Birthdays nothing not one thing i think the only thing he bought my oldest daughter was a thing of diapers and thats it. I never got on his case about not buying anything for his kids because i knew he didnt have alot of money…but screw it now im sick of looking like a fool to him, im sick of sitting back and being miserable because of him…im done. I start school in a few weeks i go to court dec 6th im looking forward to the holidays…im ok. I have my moments but who doesnt right? I know im mad right now because i keep thinking about him being with someone else and im here taking care of his kids working 40 hrs a week on a stupid midnight shift (which i hate) trying to support them and when i work like this i just feel bad because i dont see my kids as much as i thought i would…so this week im a little bitter and angry and wish he would call so i can giveh im a piece of my mind…but then again i know im so much better then that and shouldnt even waste my time…so thats that! I can only wait