My father has threatened me...

[TheWarriorMonk]

Your situation is still not exactly the same as the OP’s.

True, though I was an unintentional second victim. What happens in situations like these is the victim gets abused, and the people surrounding the victim end up suffering also if the victim does not take the appropriate action.

OTOH, my ex’s situation was as bad, or likely worse, and saw the consequences, still present today. I see no harm in telling victims that they must remove themselves from their abusive situations.

No one knows exactly what it is until we walk in her shoes. I really believe she is taking advice and doing the best she can. In the meantime, she just needs someone to lean on and she tries to get it from these forums.

It is true that she needs someone to lean on. She doesn’t have such a person in her current environment, which is why she needs to get out of it.

I’m not saying don’t give advice, I’m just saying don’t be harsh.

Reality is sometimes very harsh. People being treated harshly in their environments don’t solve their problems by being coddled.

 

[Irishmom2]

Your situation is still not exactly the same as the OP’s. No one knows exactly what it is until we walk in her shoes.

But by those standards, no one can ever truly knows how someone feels or what they experience.

People come on this forum looking for answers or for solutions, if we all have to wait until we walk in someone else’s shoes, no one would ever answer any posts.

But sometimes, people don’t like the advice they get and so then they get defensive and say that no one understands. Unfortunately, we cannot understand if they are not clear what it is they are after.

 

[Xantippe]

lovedance4ever said:

“How easy do you think it would be for me to up and leave my parents? They are not wicked people; YES they are controlling, YES my father is an alcoholic, but you act as though I should drop them as I would drop a simple acquaintance. For the past ten years, I’ve taken care of them emotionally and even, believe it or not, financially at times.”

That’s a reason to leave, not a reason to stay.

Is your dad better of than he was 10 years ago, when you started parenting your parents? If not, maybe what you’re doing is not actually helpful to them.

Talk to a priest and talk to your college student counseling office and talk to your local women’s shelter.

 

[holyrood]

OP, you made the comment jobs are hard to find in your field. At 20 and still in college, are you looking for any job, or only one in your field? Does your campus have jobs? You don’t need a job in your field right now. You just need a job.

You mention stomach trouble. It may be that when you get out of this situation, the stomach trouble will miraculously disappear. I used to have a lot of stomach trouble when I lived at home. It largely disappeared when I moved across the state to college, and came back the following summer. It came back every time I visited home with my kids. I blamed it on the water. A friend of my mother’s actually suggested to me that it was the stress of being in my parents’ home. I now believe she was right.

I think I may have mentioned in one of your other threads, I left home at 18. I was in college. I packed up and went back to school across the state, leaving my job to do so. I made two decisions: 1. I’m leaving. 2. I’m going to finish college.

I rented one of the dorm rooms for the rest of the summer, and went straight out to apply for jobs at every single store up and down main street in a small town. I started the process to make myself legally independent of my parents so the college would consider me for grants and loans based on my income, not my father’s. I was offered two jobs and took them both, as I had no idea what the future held. I worked 13 to 16 hours a day for the rest of the summer, sleeping in two shifts. It was well worth it to get away from my parents. And I did finish college with my class.

 

[VivienneJ]

How easy do you think it would be for me to up and leave my parents? They are not wicked people; YES they are controlling, YES my father is an alcoholic, but you act as though I should drop them as I would drop a simple acquaintance. For the past ten years, I’ve taken care of them emotionally and even, believe it or not, financially at times.

You have been taking care of your parents emotionally since you were 10. That is a burden no child should bear, nor should any young adult. And I’m not even going near the financial care you have given.

Sad to say, you are simply enabling your parents to remain emotionally dependent on their child. A situation that is totally wrong.

 

[Lorelei12]

I have a call in to my college to see if they would allow me into a campus apartment at this point during the semester. I’m also looking for a job (jobs in my field are few and far between in my area), and am hopeful to get out of the house soon. At the longest, it will take about one more year for me to move. Next year, my plan is to attend a university in Virginia to catch up on some science courses (I am a criminal justice major and have not gotten enough to qualify for medicine at this point), and from there, go to med school to work toward becoming a forensic pathologist; I feel like this is a good plan for me…I just need strength to deal with everything in the meantime.

It is good that you’ve made a call to your college to see if they have an opening. I’m not sure about your college, but a lot of times students study abroad and the college would be happy to have a student pay room and board and fill one of those spaces. This can be paid for with student loans. It’s not ideal, but you are in a dangerous situation and I think escaping that dangerous situation is more than enough good reason to take out a loan.

If you move onto campus, it will be easier for you to find a job, even if you still don’t have a car. There are usually plenty of jobs available for students. You mentioned looking for a job “in your field”. You don’t need a job to be in your field right now, you need a job, period. Work at the dining hall. The library. The computer lab. Tutoring. Whatever you can find.

You also mentioned in another post that your mother makes you feel guilty if you mention moving out. That is unfair of her, especially because you are living in a dangerous situation. An alcoholic father who threatens you is unsafe to live with. This is not about your parents. You don’t need to sever ties with them, you just need to live away from them. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact it’s necessary at this point.

Almost everyone on this thread recommended you take whatever steps are necessary to get out. We understand that your situation is tough- with manipulative parents, no car, no job, etc. But it’s very likely that campus housing will be willing to work with you and I do hope you follow up with them.

 

[1ke]

especially because you are living in a dangerous situation. An alcoholic father who threatens you is unsafe to live with.

While the title of the thread indicates a threat, the subsequent posts indicate that what it actually consisted of was “glaring” while searching for keys and periodically “glaring” throughout the morning. I am not even sure we could come up with a consistent definition of “glaring”. Glaring could be a lot of things.

If parents were deemed abusive for “glaring” at their children when annoyed, I dare to say we would have an abuse epidemic on our hands.

I’ve drawn the conclusion that “glaring” is not dangerous or threatening, nor does it put one in motral peril and perhaps the OP overstated the case by titling the thread with “threatening” thereby immediately producing calls to “get out now”.

That is not to say that the OP should not pursue the avenues already in play for leaving the house, but it may indicate an overreaction in this case. It may not. We can’t really say with only second hand knowledge. Which is why a knowledgeable professional who is familiar with the situation IRL is a better judge than people on the internet.

 

[Lorelei12]

While the title of the thread indicates a threat, the subsequent posts indicate that what it actually consisted of was “glaring” while searching for keys and periodically “glaring” throughout the morning. I am not even sure we could come up with a consistent definition of “glaring”. Glaring could be a lot of things.

If parents were deemed abusive for “glaring” at their children when annoyed, I dare to say we would have an abuse epidemic on our hands.

I’ve drawn the conclusion that “glaring” is not dangerous or threatening, nor does it put one in motral peril and perhaps the OP overstated the case by titling the thread with “threatening” thereby immediately producing calls to “get out now”.

That is not to say that the OP should not pursue the avenues already in play for leaving the house, but it may indicate an overreaction in this case. It may not. We can’t really say with only second hand knowledge. Which is why a knowledgeable professional who is familiar with the situation IRL is a better judge than people on the internet.

He screamed at her, threatened her, and the OP mentioned she thought he would hit her (and said that he “usually” doesn’t but that this time she was afraid he would). I agree that “glaring” is not a danger. But when she says he “usually” doesn’t lay hands on her but that she thinks he might hit her this time, in combination with yelling and threatening to “do something” to her (vague, I agree) I think that sounds dangerous. I don’t think she needs to call the police or anything, but she has said that her father is an alcoholic and his behavior is unpredictable. It sounds like a volatile situation in which she is in some danger of being abused, at least that’s what it sounds like to me.