My Father-in-Law Got Remarried

[seeker_of_God]

Hello,

I posted about this a while back, before they actually got married.

My wife’s parents were separated about 7 years ago. They finally just got their divorced finalized this year. The issue was infidelity on her mother’s part, so both of them were pretty hurt.

But, the marriage has never been annulled, and they are both strong Catholics. Now, her father has gotten remarried to someone else, of course outside of the Church since the Church could not marry them unless his previous marriage were annulled.

Now his new wife is wonderful, very nice to his existing children as well as to me. She’s supportive whether he’d have his previous marriage annulled or not. She’s not Catholic but is very supportive. This is just his decision not to do things properly.

We did attend their wedding; not sure if we should have or not. But now, I’m just not sure what I should do, if anything. My wife talked to him previously about her desire to have him do things properly, but he still refused since it would take too long.

Should we mention anything further? Should we just practice our faith and pray for them, and hope God gets through to him eventually? I don’t want to refuse to visit them, as I feel it would put undue stress on his wife,and we all have a close relationship with her. We don’t want to indirectly punish her for what he has done by refusing to visit them, and this doesn’t seem to be the charitable approach.

Perhaps we should just stay silent, and pray. I’m not really sure. That’s what I’m leaning towards, but would appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Book_Worm]

What would be gained by discussing it with them?

Do you think you would be telling them something they don’t know?

Do you think that anything you could say would make them change their minds?

If you think he might be able to attain an annulment, an offer to help research the possibility might be worthwhile.

Otherwise, I’d put my faith in the power of prayer.

 

[seeker_of_God]

What would be gained by discussing it with them?

Do you think you would be telling them something they don’t know?

Do you think that anything you could say would make them change their minds?

If you think he might be able to attain an annulment, an offer to help research the possibility might be worthwhile.

Otherwise, I’d put my faith in the power of prayer.

Thanks. I agree with you. Further discussion will likely be fruitless.

 

[Starrsmother]

Her father is Catholic as well as your wife and he knows perfectly well what he should do as far as an annulment–which if I were a betting woman, I’d bet he could obtain if he applied. The time it takes to get this annulment shouldn’t matter–if he wants one and wants to be in communion again with the church, the time he is wasting is the time before he actually takes the steps to TRY!. Right? HOWEVER, the decision must remain with him. You really can’t provide him with any information that he probably doesn’t already know and you are perfectly correct that you could cause significant hurt to the innocent new wife by pounding on the subject. I agree with everyone above who suggests prayer for him and his new wife. Though, being the person I am, I might try to interest them in accompanying you and your wife as a family unit, to something truly beautiful like midnight Mass at Christmas or the Easter sunrise Mass–just to keep him reminded of what he’s missing out on! LOL!

 

[robwar]

Hello,

I posted about this a while back, before they actually got married.

My wife’s parents were separated about 7 years ago. They finally just got their divorced finalized this year. The issue was infidelity on her mother’s part, so both of them were pretty hurt.

But, the marriage has never been annulled, and they are both strong Catholics. Now, her father has gotten remarried to someone else, of course outside of the Church since the Church could not marry them unless his previous marriage were annulled.

Now his new wife is wonderful, very nice to his existing children as well as to me. She’s supportive whether he’d have his previous marriage annulled or not. She’s not Catholic but is very supportive. This is just his decision not to do things properly.

We did attend their wedding; not sure if we should have or not. But now, I’m just not sure what I should do, if anything. My wife talked to him previously about her desire to have him do things properly, but he still refused since it would take too long.

Should we mention anything further? Should we just practice our faith and pray for them, and hope God gets through to him eventually? I don’t want to refuse to visit them, as I feel it would put undue stress on his wife,and we all have a close relationship with her. We don’t want to indirectly punish her for what he has done by refusing to visit them, and this doesn’t seem to be the charitable approach.

Perhaps we should just stay silent, and pray. I’m not really sure. That’s what I’m leaning towards, but would appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut.

I think that your instincts of staying silent and praying for them would be the best and the charitable approach given the facts you have presented. In the end, your father-in-law will answer to God, not you or your wife. Being nice doesn’t mean that you are endorcing the marriage. Maybe they have started the annulment process and you are not aware of it because they choose not the share the info. If you let say “put your foot down” and stop contact, I am not sure if you will get anywhere and this might close doors instead of opening them.

 

[seeker_of_God]

Her father is Catholic as well as your wife and he knows perfectly well what he should do as far as an annulment–which if I were a betting woman, I’d bet he could obtain if he applied. The time it takes to get this annulment shouldn’t matter–if he wants one and wants to be in communion again with the church, the time he is wasting is the time before he actually takes the steps to TRY!. Right? HOWEVER, the decision must remain with him. You really can’t provide him with any information that he probably doesn’t already know and you are perfectly correct that you could cause significant hurt to the innocent new wife by pounding on the subject. I agree with everyone above who suggests prayer for him and his new wife. Though, being the person I am, I might try to interest them in accompanying you and your wife as a family unit, to something truly beautiful like midnight Mass at Christmas or the Easter sunrise Mass–just to keep him reminded of what he’s missing out on! LOL!

Well, the thing is, he’s not missing out on anything. He’s still attending Mass, and receiving Communion. He’s having his cake and eating it too, as it were.

Thanks for your advice. His ife is truly a great person, and we don’t want to alienate her in any way. It meant so much to her that all of his children were there at the wedding.

My wife and I would both appreciate if all of you kept him and his new wife in your prayers.

 

[davetv]

Hello,

I posted about this a while back, before they actually got married.

My wife’s parents were separated about 7 years ago. They finally just got their divorced finalized this year. The issue was infidelity on her mother’s part, so both of them were pretty hurt.

But, the marriage has never been annulled, and they are both strong Catholics. Now, her father has gotten remarried to someone else, of course outside of the Church since the Church could not marry them unless his previous marriage were annulled.

Now his new wife is wonderful, very nice to his existing children as well as to me. She’s supportive whether he’d have his previous marriage annulled or not. She’s not Catholic but is very supportive. This is just his decision not to do things properly.

We did attend their wedding; not sure if we should have or not. But now, I’m just not sure what I should do, if anything. My wife talked to him previously about her desire to have him do things properly, but he still refused since it would take too long.

Should we mention anything further? Should we just practice our faith and pray for them, and hope God gets through to him eventually? I don’t want to refuse to visit them, as I feel it would put undue stress on his wife,and we all have a close relationship with her. We don’t want to indirectly punish her for what he has done by refusing to visit them, and this doesn’t seem to be the charitable approach.

Perhaps we should just stay silent, and pray. I’m not really sure. That’s what I’m leaning towards, but would appreciate (name removed by moderator)ut.

I think you both made a mistake by going to his wedding. It puts you on weak ground to approach him. And, if you love him, you do need to approach him. He is damning his eternal soul for all of time by receiving communion in a state of mortal sin.

“A person should examine himself,* and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment* on himself.” 1 Corinthians 11

 

[Starrsmother]

I think you both made a mistake by going to his wedding. It puts you on weak ground to approach him. And, if you love him, you do need to approach him. He is damning his eternal soul for all of time by receiving communion in a state of mortal sin.

“A person should examine himself,* and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment* on himself.” 1 Corinthians 11

As the apologetics on this forum have stated many, many times (even within the past few weeks), the only wedding that a Catholic absolutely may not attend or be part of in any way, shape or form is a same sex marriage–as such a union is not, nor could it ever become valid. Also, it is considered scandalous for a Catholic to attend such an event considering the church’s firm stand on such weddings. Other than that, we as Catholics, have a wide perameter as to which weddings we may or may not choose to attend. We may attend a protestant wedding, a civil ceremony or even one involving a Catholic remarrying (or marrying for the first time) whether to another Catholic or a protestant or whatever —whether the marriage is either presumptively valid or even if it’s presumptively invalid. Another words, unless the remarriage somehow made you personally uncomfortable to attend it as a matter of conscience, you were free to attend and committed no sin in choosing to do so. A marriage is between the man and woman and God and it is their issue with God if they enter into an invalid marriage–we don’t have to concur or not concur with their decision. The point made by our apologetics on here seemed to be that as lay people, it is above our pay grade to cast judgment on the validity or lack thereof in someone else’s marriage–only the church has that authority. I think this rather ilustrates what Pope Francis advised in what I call his: “get-off-your-moral-high-horse” interview! LOL! Also, I saw nowhere in the original post that it was said that the father was continuing to receive communion since his remarriage. If I am incorrect, please someone correct me—.

 

[Cathoholic]

Potentially adulterous family member question.

Well, the thing is, he’s not missing out on anything. He’s still attending Mass, and receiving Communion. He’s having his cake and eating it too, as it were.

Sound like he’s receiving sacrilegious Holy Communions or profaning the body and blood of the Lord if all that you say is correct. This can be spiritually or even physically harmful to himself.

**1st CORINTHIANS 11:27-30 ** 27 Whoever, therefore, **eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body **and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For any one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself. 30 That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died.

Pray for him but look for an opportunity to prayerfully admonish the sinner as well. This will be a work of great mercy on your part. It might save you some issues on your judgment day as well. Ezekiel 33 (and Ezekiel 3) may have secondary meaning for someone like you in this situation.

EZEIKIEL 33:1-9 1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, speak to your people and say to them, If I bring the sword upon a land, and the people of the land take a man from among them, and make him their watchman; 3 and if he sees the sword coming upon the land and blows the trumpet and warns the people; 4 then if any one who hears the sound of the trumpet does not take warning, and the sword comes and takes him away, his blood shall be upon his own head. 5 He heard the sound of the trumpet, and did not take warning; his blood shall be upon himself. But if he had taken warning, he would have saved his life. 6 But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes, and takes any one of them;** that man is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.** 7 "So you, son of man, I have made a watchman for the house of Israel; whenever you hear a word from my mouth, you shall give them warning from me. 8 If I say to the wicked, O wicked man, you shall surely die, and you do not speak to warn the wicked to turn from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand. 9 But if you warn the wicked to turn from his way, and he does not turn from his way; he shall die in his iniquity, but you will have saved your life.

I would suggest that he attend Mass frequently but NOT approach Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament in Holy Communion! Adoration would be good for him too. He will need a change of heart.

You shouldn’t judge his soul, but you should judge these actions.

Sometimes the intellect and the will are at odds (diametrically opposed or going in opposite directions).

You said he was a “strong Catholic” so he may see the truth in your advice and carry it out.

 

[MaryT777]

No problem Prayers for he and his new wife in my prayers. You as well for your concern and dipolomatic approach to the issue.
Mary.

 

[seeker_of_God]

I think you both made a mistake by going to his wedding. It puts you on weak ground to approach him. And, if you love him, you do need to approach him. He is damning his eternal soul for all of time by receiving communion in a state of mortal sin.

“A person should examine himself,* and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment* on himself.” 1 Corinthians 11

My wife already approached him before the wedding. What would doing so again accomplish? He knew how she felt about it, but chose to do it anyway.

 

[seeker_of_God]

As the apologetics on this forum have stated many, many times (even within the past few weeks), the only wedding that a Catholic absolutely may not attend or be part of in any way, shape or form is a same sex marriage–as such a union is not, nor could it ever become valid. Also, it is considered scandalous for a Catholic to attend such an event considering the church’s firm stand on such weddings. Other than that, we as Catholics, have a wide perameter as to which weddings we may or may not choose to attend. We may attend a protestant wedding, a civil ceremony or even one involving a Catholic remarrying (or marrying for the first time) whether to another Catholic or a protestant or whatever —whether the marriage is either presumptively valid or even if it’s presumptively invalid. Another words, unless the remarriage somehow made you personally uncomfortable to attend it as a matter of conscience, you were free to attend and committed no sin in choosing to do so. A marriage is between the man and woman and God and it is their issue with God if they enter into an invalid marriage–we don’t have to concur or not concur with their decision. The point made by our apologetics on here seemed to be that as lay people, it is above our pay grade to cast judgment on the validity or lack thereof in someone else’s marriage–only the church has that authority. I think this rather ilustrates what Pope Francis advised in what I call his: “get-off-your-moral-high-horse” interview! LOL! Also, I saw nowhere in the original post that it was said that the father was continuing to receive communion since his remarriage. If I am incorrect, please someone correct me—.

This is the best post here yet. I have been wondering about it. In the world today, it’s not uncommon that a situation like this should arise, and it is good to know that we are not obligated to not go to such a wedding. (Apologies for the double negative )

He is in fact receiving Communion. He considers the Church’s rules to be man-made, so he says it’s not important to follow them, sadly.

 

[seeker_of_God]

Potentially adulterous family member question.

Sound like he’s receiving sacrilegious Holy Communions or profaning the body and blood of the Lord if all that you say is correct. This can be spiritually or even physically harmful to himself.

**1st CORINTHIANS 11:27-30 ** 27 Whoever, therefore, **eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body **and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For any one who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself. 30 That is why many of you are weak and ill, and some have died.

Pray for him but look for an opportunity to prayerfully admonish the sinner as well. This will be a work of great mercy on your part. It might save you some issues on your judgment day as well. Ezekiel 33 (and Ezekiel 3) may have secondary meaning for someone like you in this situation.

EZEIKIEL 33:1-9 1 The word of the LORD came to me: 2 "Son of man, speak to your people and say to them, If I bring the sword upon a land, and the people of the land take a man from among them, and make him their watchman; 3 and if he sees the sword coming upon the land and blows the trumpet and warns the people; 4 then if any one who hears the sound of the trumpet does not take warning, and the sword comes and takes him away, his blood shall be upon his own head. 5 He heard the sound of the trumpet, and did not take warning; his blood shall be upon himself. But if he had taken warning, he would have saved his life. 6 But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes, and takes any one of them;** that man is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.** 7 "So you, son of man, I have made a watchman for the house of Israel; whenever you hear a word from my mouth, you shall give them warning from me. 8 **If I say to the wicked, O wicked man, you shall surely die, and you do not speak to warn the wicked to turn from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your **hand. 9 But if you warn the wicked to turn from his way, and he does not turn from his way; he shall die in his iniquity, but you will have saved your life.

I would suggest that he attend Mass frequently but NOT approach Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament in Holy Communion! Adoration would be good for him too. He will need a change of heart.

You shouldn’t judge his soul, but you should judge these actions.

Sometimes the intellect and the will are at odds (diametrically opposed or going in opposite directions).

You said he was a “strong Catholic” so he may see the truth in your advice and carry it out.

As said, my wife already did this before the wedding.

 

[1ke]

But, the marriage has never been annulled, and they are both strong Catholics.

Are they really? Maybe not based on the fact that one had a marriage-ending affair and the other is now also committing adultery via “remarriage”. Perhaps they do not really understand the faith at all. It does not seem like they have had the faith in the forefront of their lives and decision making for at least several years.

It always puzzles me when people post a litany of things that someone is doing purposely & knowingly that is a major violation of God’s law and then finish with “but they are strong/devout/serious Catholics”.

I would encourage your wife to talk to her father and encourage him to pursue reconciling with the Church.

 

[1ke]

This is the best post here yet. I have been wondering about it. In the world today, it’s not uncommon that a situation like this should arise, and it is good to know that we are not obligated to not go to such a wedding. (Apologies for the double negative )

Really it is something to be discerned with your own pastor beforehand. It is an overstatement to say we can go to “any” wedding except a “same sex” marriage.

He is in fact receiving Communion. He considers the Church’s rules to be man-made, so he says it’s not important to follow them, sadly.

Ok, not actually a “strong Catholic” then. Perhaps more of a cultural Catholic. Encourage him to go talk to his pastor.

I could not condone such behavior with my accepting silence. It seems to me you are being complicit by doing so.

 

[MJJean]

As said, my wife already did this before the wedding.

A lot of Catholics have misconceptions about annulment and about Communion after divorce and remarriage. Are you sure he is aware he is NOT supposed to be receiving Communion while in a state of mortal sin? Are you sure he knows everything possible about the annulment process and how he could have his current marriage convalidated if he obtained an annulment?

You or your wife could talk to him and encourage him to begin the process and to convalidate his marriage after his annulment is final, should he be granted annulment. He said he didn’t want to wait for the annulment to marry his new wife, but they are already married and through annulment and convalidation he could still make things right. A lot of people don’t know that and think they have no choice but to wait for annulment or to get married outside the Church and forever be in a state of mortal sin. If you and/or your wife explain this to him, explain that the Church has provided a path to make things right even now, then maybe he will go for it.

 

[seeker_of_God]

A lot of Catholics have misconceptions about annulment and about Communion after divorce and remarriage. Are you sure he is aware he is NOT supposed to be receiving Communion while in a state of mortal sin? Are you sure he knows everything possible about the annulment process and how he could have his current marriage convalidated if he obtained an annulment?

You or your wife could talk to him and encourage him to begin the process and to convalidate his marriage after his annulment is final, should he be granted annulment. He said he didn’t want to wait for the annulment to marry his new wife, but they are already married and through annulment and convalidation he could still make things right. A lot of people don’t know that and think they have no choice but to wait for annulment or to get married outside the Church and forever be in a state of mortal sin. If you and/or your wife explain this to him, explain that the Church has provided a path to make things right even now, then maybe he will go for it.

Yes, he is very knowledgeable. It is also what my wife and I had to do, as we got married outside the Church two years ago, and only this year got our marriage convalidated. So he does know that there is a way to right the situation.

Honestly I think sometimes he thinks he is above the rules. He is in a very prominant position in his career, and he has many friends who are priests. I don’t know if they stay silent, or if they don’t see a problem, or what.

 

[seeker_of_God]

Are they really? Maybe not based on the fact that one had a marriage-ending affair and the other is now also committing adultery via “remarriage”. Perhaps they do not really understand the faith at all. It does not seem like they have had the faith in the forefront of their lives and decision making for at least several years.

It always puzzles me when people post a litany of things that someone is doing purposely & knowingly that is a major violation of God’s law and then finish with “but they are strong/devout/serious Catholics”.

I would encourage your wife to talk to her father and encourage him to pursue reconciling with the Church.

Please don’t judge. Her mother is a strong Catholic despite her mistakes. This was many years ago, and now she has reconciled with the Church and lives a holy life.

He was a strong Catholic, I guess I should have said. I think he used to be a lot more than he is now.

 

[1ke]

Please don’t judge. Her mother is a strong Catholic despite her mistakes. This was many years ago, and now she has reconciled with the Church and lives a holy life.

He was a strong Catholic, I guess I should have said. I think he used to be a lot more than he is now.

It is good that she has reconciled with the Church. I am sorry they could not save their marriage.

Perhaps he has a lot of anger and emotion he has not dealt with, continue to suggest he talk to his pastor.

 

[Brendan_64]

Well, the thing is, he’s not missing out on anything. He’s still attending Mass, and receiving Communion.

That’s not good. He should not be receiving Communion if he is living in a marriage not recognised by the Church. That is grave matter. Is the Parish Priest aware of his situation?