My Father In Law

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is a big time racist. I am Latino and my husband is Caucasion. He uses racial slurs for Latinos, African-Americans, Arabic and Asians. He has calmed down since were married. He even told my husband when he announced our engagement that you don’t marry that kind of girl and told him to draw a pre-nuptial agreement. When my husband said no. He said you are stupid. My husband doesn’t stand up to him because he feels that people who are racist will never change. My concern is that he will make our future children feel bad about half of who they are. I told my husband if he says anything or teaches them anything racist. I will make sure that he will not see them again. My husband thinks that I am overreacting. (he would want to give his dad a warning). Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too politically correct?
 
Carjack… unfortunately this is a wait and see type of thing… most likely he will not say a thing to your children but it remains to be seen. You can’t spend your life worrying about what may happen… then your FIL would have control over your life. Just remember to pray for him and his issues…
 
Carjack1 said:
is a big time racist. I am Latino and my husband is Caucasion. He uses racial slurs for Latinos, African-Americans, Arabic and Asians. He has calmed down since were married. He even told my husband when he announced our engagement that you don’t marry that kind of girl and told him to draw a pre-nuptial agreement. When my husband said no. He said you are stupid. My husband doesn’t stand up to him because he feels that people who are racist will never change. My concern is that he will make our future children feel bad about half of who they are. I told my husband if he says anything or teaches them anything racist. I will make sure that he will not see them again. My husband thinks that I am overreacting. (he would want to give his dad a warning). Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being too politically correct?
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As your father in law has “calmed down” since you married his son, I think it is highly unlikely that he will try to use slurs in refering to his grandchildren. Racism is wrong, but I would react differently if, for instance, he saw something on the news and said something negative versus him telling your children they should be ashamed of their mom. The first, I would maybe have my DH say something and then explain to my children later that such behavior is wrong. If it was the latter, DH would tell him in no uncertain terms that this is wrong, to apologize, and we would probably limit contact until he showed signs of remorse. I think cutting him off is a bit extreme unless his behavior is really, really over the top (verbally abusive).
 
Racist In-Laws I found this link, maybe it will help with your own concerns.

christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/002/15.62.html
Q. I am in an interracial marriage, and we have just had a baby. My problem is my wife’s family. Before our marriage they were cool toward me because of my race, but since we’ve been married, they’ve become openly frozen. I know they are trying to separate us, and now they won’t acknowledge our baby. I feel I made a mistake recently by voicing my displeasure with their treatment of us. But what can I do? I’d like for my child to know his whole family.
A. The first few years of any marriage are challenging. But interracial marriages pose a unique set of challenges, and you are facing one of the biggest ones. It’s painful to be rejected by family members, especially when you try to love them and desire to be accepted by them. It’s even more difficult when your child is rejected.
Obviously, you can’t just ignore their behavior, and it is impossible for it not to affect you and your marriage. At the same time you don’t have to let it control you. We’ve seen many interracial marriages where the couple allowed God to use the adversity to draw them closer to himself and to each other. Your primary concern is your marriage and your child. According to Ephesians 5, your job is to love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.
One word of warning: Be careful about getting angry with your in-laws and allowing that anger to control you. If you spend more time focusing on how they treat you rather than on how, with God’s help, you can respond to them, you will be much more likely to allow the hurt to become bitterness, resentment, and unhealthy anger.
You can’t change years of racial prejudice and hardened hearts. You also can’t allow other people’s fears and unkindness to determine your character. You can choose to function biblically. You can choose to find a group of men who will support you, encourage you, listen to you, and pray with you. You can choose to repay coldness with kindness. You can see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. During the next thirty days you can choose to read Matthew 5–7 (The Sermon on the Mount) daily and ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to apply at least one principle from that passage to your relationship with your in-laws.
If your wife’s parents choose to be cold to you, it’s their problem. Their behavior need not determine your level of joy and happiness. You can choose to love them regardless of their behavior toward you. You will need to let go of your expectations of what this family should look like. You simply cannot control that. If you need to grieve the loss of a loving extended family, do so, but keep your heart hopeful for the possibility of change.
Gary J. Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D., is the author of numerous books and is executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies and Professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University. Carrie Oliver, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor at the PeopleCARE Counseling Centers, specializing in marriage and family and women’s issues. She is a seminar leader and co-author, with Gary, of Raising Sons and Loving It! (Zondervan
 
stbruno said:
Racist In-Laws I found this link, maybe it will help with your own concerns.

christianitytoday.com/mp/2002/002/15.62.html
Q. I am in an interracial marriage, and we have just had a baby. My problem is my wife’s family. Before our marriage they were cool toward me because of my race, but since we’ve been married, they’ve become openly frozen. I know they are trying to separate us, and now they won’t acknowledge our baby. I feel I made a mistake recently by voicing my displeasure with their treatment of us. But what can I do? I’d like for my child to know his whole family.
A. The first few years of any marriage are challenging. But interracial marriages pose a unique set of challenges, and you are facing one of the biggest ones. It’s painful to be rejected by family members, especially when you try to love them and desire to be accepted by them. It’s even more difficult when your child is rejected.
Obviously, you can’t just ignore their behavior, and it is impossible for it not to affect you and your marriage. At the same time you don’t have to let it control you. We’ve seen many interracial marriages where the couple allowed God to use the adversity to draw them closer to himself and to each other. Your primary concern is your marriage and your child. According to Ephesians 5, your job is to love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.
One word of warning: Be careful about getting angry with your in-laws and allowing that anger to control you. If you spend more time focusing on how they treat you rather than on how, with God’s help, you can respond to them, you will be much more likely to allow the hurt to become bitterness, resentment, and unhealthy anger.
You can’t change years of racial prejudice and hardened hearts. You also can’t allow other people’s fears and unkindness to determine your character. You can choose to function biblically. You can choose to find a group of men who will support you, encourage you, listen to you, and pray with you. You can choose to repay coldness with kindness. You can see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. During the next thirty days you can choose to read Matthew 5–7 (The Sermon on the Mount) daily and ask God to give you the wisdom and strength to apply at least one principle from that passage to your relationship with your in-laws.
If your wife’s parents choose to be cold to you, it’s their problem. Their behavior need not determine your level of joy and happiness. You can choose to love them regardless of their behavior toward you. You will need to let go of your expectations of what this family should look like. You simply cannot control that. If you need to grieve the loss of a loving extended family, do so, but keep your heart hopeful for the possibility of change.
Gary J. Oliver, Th.M., Ph.D., is the author of numerous books and is executive director of the Center for Marriage and Family Studies and Professor of Psychology and Practical Theology at John Brown University. Carrie Oliver, M.A., is a licensed professional counselor at the PeopleCARE Counseling Centers, specializing in marriage and family and women’s issues. She is a seminar leader and co-author, with Gary, of Raising Sons and Loving It! (Zondervan
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Thank You for this reference. This was extremely helpful
 
Carjack, I too am Latino and my husband is caucasion. HIs dad also is racist, but mostly towards blacks and Mexican’s. I am Puerto Rican, but the first time I met my dh’s family, I was disgusted at how they referred to blacks. I wondered if they felt that way about me. I was pregnant at the time and wondered how he would accept the baby. He did come around and is nice to me, but several years ago, he started sending emails against Mexican’s and their babies. I was angered by them and told him so. I now dont’ talk to much to him as before. He does love his granddaughtered, but never asks to talk to her on the phone for she is 9 years old. He ever came down to Florida for a visit until he got married two years ago. He showed up at our door steps about 4 months ago for the first time since we have been married 10 years now. I think it is his new wife. She is so sweet. I don’t think she is a racist. My dd nows gets Christmas gifts and Birthday gifts. Before his marriage it was just a card. I think this new wife is a good influence on him. I have heard him make remarks about blacks many times. He doesn’t think BET is needed on TV. That is Black Entertainment Channel.

I just think that if he doesn’t like Mexican’s, he doesn’t like many hispanics. MInd you his problem is more with the illegal Mexican’s, but he has developed a hatred towards them.

All I can say is wait and see if the baby will help change his views. He has to admit that the child is family and has his bloodline in him or her. I know the baby helped loosen my FIL’s heart a little.
 
nana3 said:
Carjack, I too am Latino and my husband is caucasion. HIs dad also is racist, but mostly towards blacks and Mexican’s. I am Puerto RicanMe too;). I figured with a name like Nana , but the first time I met my dh’s family, I was disgusted at how they referred to blacks. I wondered if they felt that way about me. I was pregnant at the time and wondered how he would accept the baby. He did come around and is nice to me, but several years ago, he started sending emails against Mexican’s and their babies. How horrible:eek: I was angered by them and told him so. I now dont’ talk to much to him as before. He does love his granddaughtered, but never asks to talk to her on the phone for she is 9 years old. He ever came down to Florida for a visit until he got married two years ago. He showed up at our door steps about 4 months ago for the first time since we have been married 10 years now. I think it is his new wife. She is so sweet. I don’t think she is a racist. My dd nows gets Christmas gifts and Birthday gifts. Before his marriage it was just a card. I think this new wife is a good influence on him. I have heard him make remarks about blacks many times. He doesn’t think BET is needed on TV. That is Black Entertainment Channel.

I just think that if he doesn’t like Mexican’s, he doesn’t like many hispanics. :yup: MInd you his problem is more with the illegal Mexican’s, but he has developed a hatred towards them. I understand

All I can say is wait and see if the baby will help change his views. He has to admit that the child is family and has his bloodline in him or her. I know the baby helped loosen my FIL’s heart a little.
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It puts a lot of pressure on me because I have to prove I am not certain stereotypes. He stated that I am not American. It is good to speak to someone who understands my stituation. At least I do not have problems with the MIL(Thank God). Usually women have problems with those. I have been reading some interesting threads. lol
 
Don’t count on him not saying anything just because you have kids. Didn’t stop one of my mother’s relatives for downgrading my grandfather’s wife (he remarried well after my grandmother passed away) for being Italian. Never mind that both my mother and her sister married Italian men and have five Italian children between them. Needless to say, we don’t really speak to them anymore:rolleyes:

Your husband should defend you! Not cool! Your FIL may never change his views but he should shut up around his DIL!!
 
sanctamaria17 said:
Don’t count on him not saying anything just because you have kids. Didn’t stop one of my mother’s relatives for downgrading my grandfather’s wife (he remarried well after my grandmother passed away) for being Italian. Never mind that both my mother and her sister married Italian men and have five Italian children between them. Needless to say, we don’t really speak to them anymore:rolleyes:

Your husband should defend you! Not cool! Your FIL may never change his views but he should shut up around his DIL!!
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Not that this excuses anyting, but his father is extremely intimidating. I will not say anything disrespectful because I have the mentality that they are older than me and that I should respect them. Plus his dad likes to see if he is getting at people. I have Archie Bunker for a FIL
 
Carjack1 said:
It puts a lot of pressure on me because I have to prove I am not certain stereotypes. He stated that I am not American. It is good to speak to someone who understands my stituation. At least I do not have problems with the MIL(Thank God). Usually women have problems with those. I have been reading some interesting threads. lol
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I do understand what you are going through. One thing my husband told his dad and his uncle who are the racist is if they had something negative to say about me being hispanic or our child, that they better keep it to themselves and not allow him to hear it or me. He said that he would cut off his relationship with his dad if he had to, if he offended me or insulted me or our daughter. That put his dad in his place. If my FIL does think bad of me, I don’t know it for sure for he hasn’t said so and if he does, he would never see his granddaughter or son again. He has changed alot since getting married again and I am happy to hear that. He still doesn’t talk to me much, but that is fine with me.

I do agree with what others here are saying that your dh has to be the one to set boundaries now and maybe he should stand up to his dad and tell him what my dh told his dad. Maybe that is what he needs to hear. But your dh has to be willing to do that. He has to stand with you on this and defend you and his child.

I will be keeping you in my prayers. I know how difficult all this can be. I forgot, does your FIL live near you and your husband? My FIL lives in Michigan and we are in Florida, so that is the right distance for us.
 
nana3 said:
I do understand what you are going through. One thing my husband told his dad and his uncle who are the racist is if they had something negative to say about me being hispanic or our child, that they better keep it to themselves and not allow him to hear it or me. He said that he would cut off his relationship with his dad if he had to, if he offended me or insulted me or our daughter. That put his dad in his place. If my FIL does think bad of me, I don’t know it for sure for he hasn’t said so and if he does, he would never see his granddaughter or son again. He has changed alot since getting married again and I am happy to hear that. He still doesn’t talk to me much, but that is fine with me.

I do agree with what others here are saying that your dh has to be the one to set boundaries now and maybe he should stand up to his dad and tell him what my dh told his dad. Maybe that is what he needs to hear. But your dh has to be willing to do that. He has to stand with you on this and defend you and his child.

I will be keeping you in my prayers. I know how difficult all this can be. I forgot, does your FIL live near you and your husband? My FIL lives in Michigan and we are in Florida, so that is the right distance for us.
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His parents live 7 minutes away from us.
 
Read a book called The Racist Mind. I don’t remember the author’s name but he is a Jewish psychologist who went undercover for years among KKK and Aryan Nation style gangs and gradually let them know who he is and what he was doing among them, and befriended several. He got close enough to them to learn all their childhood stories and other info. He figured out a lot about how people like that think.
IIRC he said most have very slow minds and a lot of emotional problems from being rejected and a lot of fear of the world because they were on their own at a young age in scary places or because of other things. Racism is their way of keeping a distance between themselves and the world. But they usually learn to see people of other races as individuals one by one and as they gain life skills and experience they usually get over it. But being confrontational would only reinforce the hostile attitude.
You FIL might be too old to change. You can pray for his mental health (I consider racism a mental illness). You can draw strong clear boundaries. You can insist on respectful treatment. And gradually if he isn’t past learning he might come to see you as yourself and even love you and your chldren. That could be the crack in his iceberg that lets the sun in to melt it away. Maybe God brought you into this marriage in part to break that iceberg up so it doesn’t get passed along down your FIL’s descendants. I have mixed ancestry myself and there were some prejudiced people back then, but ultimately they couldn’t pass their poison down whenthe family was mixed anyway so I was born free of it, thank God Almighty.:extrahappy:
 
Sorry you are going through this! My MIL is a bit like this! We were watching a football game in my hubby’s home town. There was a player with my maiden name (which is not common). I was excited and said “maybe we’re related!!!” and she scoffed at me and said “I certainly hope not” because he was black! I was DIGUSTED at her behavior.

My brother’s next door neigbhor in South Carolina was about 8000 years old and was openly racists to African Americans. I said something to him about it b/c I didn’t want to hear the “N” word 500 times in a conversation. He died. Maybe what he didn’t figure out on earth, he’ll figure out now that he’s gone.

My mother was like that about the Irish and my father is 3/4 Irish and 1/4 Italian! I never knew that “harp” was a bad word for an Irish person until later in life, though she used it all the time.

I don’t know that you can change someone like that, but some do change. I’d stay away from him as much as possible.
 
Hi Carjack. Both my husband and I are caucasian, but it still makes me VERY uncomfortable if my father (also a big time racist) makes any kind of racist remark. He is protestant and very anticatholic. I wanted to share with you my experience.

When I was pregnant with my first child, my dad was sitting at the dinner table making very rude remarks and using the N-word. Before I had been pregnant, I had always asked him not to use that kind of language and that it offended me. He never listened. It wasn’t until I was pregnant that I used the “You will not see your grandchildren” card. Well, I did that day, and I siad it in a way that that he knew I was serious and He hasn’t been a problem ever since. Sure, he slips everyone once in a while, but I give him such a look when it does happen and I can tell he knows I mean business.

So my advice to you, don’t use the grandchild card until you are willing and able to use it. You are not pregnant yet, so don’t bring it up yet. But DO bring up when he uses slurs that you are offended and that you would appreciate it if he wouldn’t use that language around you. Also, speak with your husband about WHY it is unacceptable for your children to be exposed to racist slurs. Unfortunately, he was raised by your FIL, so he may be a bit immune to how hurtful these slurs are. Once you are pregnant, he may have a different perspective as he prepares himself for being a father. I know my husband changed his tune on quite a few things once he was the father of his own daughter!
 
Carjack1 said:
His parents live 7 minutes away from us.
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That is close, but as someone else said already, maybe the Lord will use you to help your FIL “crack” racist and see it for what it really is. I know that my FIL is a racist, but he said to me once that he has friends that are blacks and he doesn’t have any problems with them, but than he goes and generalize them all as criminals too. I think that the friends he does have that are blacks are helping him see that what he grew up with is not necessarily true either and not all blacks are bad. It doesn’t help that two of his sons, not my husband, as teenagers were beaten almost to death by blacks, but they called the blacks the N word. I don’t excuse either behavior for my brother in laws should not have used that word and the blacks should not have reacted the way they did either. I think both reacted to how they were brought up by their parents. I know my brother in laws probably used the word like any other word and didn’t know it was offensive to blacks. Unfortunately, one of my brother in law said that he knows that one of his “redneck friends” killed one of the blacks involved. I hope it was all talk and he didn’t mean it, but he sounded serious. I think he is still prejudice and so is his older brother, but only towards black and Mexicans that I know of. My dh’s oldest brother likes hispanics now because he said I am the kindness woman he has ever met and that his brother was very blessed. He also wished he could find a Puerto Rican like me some day. He now has a girlfriend that looks like me with my skin tone color, but she is a Native American. So his views changed just by knowing me. That could be what will happen with your FIL and you, but than he could never change at his age.

Pray for your FIL and always act in kindness and love and when he uses racist slurs just tell him that you don’t appreciate that comment and don’t wish to hear it. Maybe, that will be a start and sooner or later he will learn to keep things to himself, I mean these racist slur.

I hope that when you do have a child things will change. Wait until that happens and in the meantime, pray for him and the grace to deal with a difficult person.

Is your MIL the same, a racist?
 
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