L
lovedance4ever
Guest
Most of you are probably pretty familiar with my posts by now. I’m a 20 year old girl, and I live at home with my parents. I have never mentioned this particular issue before, because…well I am not sure if I did not want to admit it, or if it was just never this bad. My father is an alcoholic just like his father was, and it has made living at home absolutely miserable, to say the least.
In all fairness, my dad suffers from chronic pain and has had quite a bit of suffering in his past, stemming from his father being an alcoholic and his mother being very verbally abusive (she is to this day). I won’t go into all of that, but needless to say, it’s no wonder that he has turned to drink.
But now, I am worried about my home situation and myself. When he drinks, he is verbally abusive to me like my grandmother is to him. Everything I do is wrong in his eyes, and he is constantly putting me down and yelling at me for everything he perceives that I do wrong. I am a 4.0 student, but recently, my grades have dropped drastically because of the stress at home, my parents’ constant arguing, and the verbal abuse I get from my dad. Sometimes I will be studying, and he will come in my room and scream at me for something. He is also overly protective to the point where he tells me that I am not allowed out of the house when it is dark outside (like…past 8 o’clock at night).
I just got my midterm grade back for one of my classes and it was 76%…a far cry from the 100’s I used to bring home every week. I have no friends, or other family to turn to. My dad’s side is just as messed up as he seems to be, and my mom’s side doesn’t give a damn about me. I’m the black sheep of the family because I am the only Catholic grandchild. It just hurts so deeply.
I’ve also been experiencing extremely bad stomach pain for the past four months. My doctor cannot figure out what is wrong; although, I will be tested for stomach ulcers next week. It’s most likely all due to stress. I’ve missed so many classes this semester, and I ended up having to drop down to part tome schooling. I simply cannot take it anymore.
I am sick of my father drinking to excess, screaming at me, and stumbling around the house and falling. When he falls, I will be woken up in the middle of the night to pick him up. I’ve witnessed my father nearly die more times than I can count.
A month or so ago, I started cutting. I have been able to resist the temptation lately, but sometimes things get so bad that I feel like physical pain is the only thing that will get my mind off of how I feel emotionally. When I was 16, I almost committed suicide because of this stress, and I have been thinking about wanting to die again. Last week was the worst. I told my mom that I was considering moving out, because I just cannot handle school and all of this emotional turmoil caused by my dad. Well, she told him I said this and his response? “Good, it’ll be better without her.”
I know he loves me. And I know he did not mean it (although, sometimes I do wonder if he would prefer his bottle over me)…but this gives you an example of the kind of thing he says to me when he drinks. Please pray for me. I just do not think I can do this anymore. I want to give up. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. I am a prisoner in my own home, and I pray to God daily that He will take me to be with Him.
What do I do? How can I stop thinking about such morbid thoughts about dying? How can I be happy regardless of what happens in my home? I hate being alone…I cannot even begin to describe how very desolate I have felt lately.
May God bless you all.
In all fairness, my dad suffers from chronic pain and has had quite a bit of suffering in his past, stemming from his father being an alcoholic and his mother being very verbally abusive (she is to this day). I won’t go into all of that, but needless to say, it’s no wonder that he has turned to drink.
But now, I am worried about my home situation and myself. When he drinks, he is verbally abusive to me like my grandmother is to him. Everything I do is wrong in his eyes, and he is constantly putting me down and yelling at me for everything he perceives that I do wrong. I am a 4.0 student, but recently, my grades have dropped drastically because of the stress at home, my parents’ constant arguing, and the verbal abuse I get from my dad. Sometimes I will be studying, and he will come in my room and scream at me for something. He is also overly protective to the point where he tells me that I am not allowed out of the house when it is dark outside (like…past 8 o’clock at night).
I just got my midterm grade back for one of my classes and it was 76%…a far cry from the 100’s I used to bring home every week. I have no friends, or other family to turn to. My dad’s side is just as messed up as he seems to be, and my mom’s side doesn’t give a damn about me. I’m the black sheep of the family because I am the only Catholic grandchild. It just hurts so deeply.
I’ve also been experiencing extremely bad stomach pain for the past four months. My doctor cannot figure out what is wrong; although, I will be tested for stomach ulcers next week. It’s most likely all due to stress. I’ve missed so many classes this semester, and I ended up having to drop down to part tome schooling. I simply cannot take it anymore.
I am sick of my father drinking to excess, screaming at me, and stumbling around the house and falling. When he falls, I will be woken up in the middle of the night to pick him up. I’ve witnessed my father nearly die more times than I can count.
A month or so ago, I started cutting. I have been able to resist the temptation lately, but sometimes things get so bad that I feel like physical pain is the only thing that will get my mind off of how I feel emotionally. When I was 16, I almost committed suicide because of this stress, and I have been thinking about wanting to die again. Last week was the worst. I told my mom that I was considering moving out, because I just cannot handle school and all of this emotional turmoil caused by my dad. Well, she told him I said this and his response? “Good, it’ll be better without her.”
I know he loves me. And I know he did not mean it (although, sometimes I do wonder if he would prefer his bottle over me)…but this gives you an example of the kind of thing he says to me when he drinks. Please pray for me. I just do not think I can do this anymore. I want to give up. I hate getting out of bed in the morning. I am a prisoner in my own home, and I pray to God daily that He will take me to be with Him.
What do I do? How can I stop thinking about such morbid thoughts about dying? How can I be happy regardless of what happens in my home? I hate being alone…I cannot even begin to describe how very desolate I have felt lately.
May God bless you all.
