My father's engaged. Now what?

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SalesianSDB

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Last night I found out my father proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years. I found out through Facebook (which is one of the reasons I’m upset but I’m 23 so I don’t expect him to ask permission. A heads up would have been nice though).

The other reason is that they started dating when my mother was in a vegetative state. She even moved in with my dad while my mother was in the next room with nurses.

There’s no counting how many fights I’ve had with my dad over the relationship and now I’m at a point where in order to have a relationship with my last loving parent, I do my best to be friendly around them (and for the most part she is a sweet woman).

My mother finally passed away 2 months ago, so I’m not surprised he popped the question. But I’m still angry.

We haven’t spoken yet and am not sure what I’ll say. So my question is what do I do now? How do I not lose my temper or just cry?

The loss of my mom, while 7 years coming has still been painful the last 2 months.

*The wedding is a ways away, do I go?
 
I would follow the charism of St.Francis De Sales here as well.

I am sorry for the passing of your mother. The details you describe about your dad may not be as they seem while your mother was ill.

Has he explained any of this to you?
 
mommy_k said:
I would follow the charism of St.Francis De Sales here as well.

I am sorry for the passing of your mother. The details you describe about your dad may not be as they seem while your mother was ill.

Has he explained any of this to you?
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We haven’t shown since I saw the Facebook post last night. They’ve always been open about their relationship. Kiss and hold hands in public. Go on couples vacations. Say I love you and call eachother babe.

My dad’s explanation is always “I’m not a priest, you can’t expect me to be celibate. And I’m lucky I found someone willing to go through this situation.”
 
Yes, I understand, but I am talking about the beginning.

Have you read about grief and the different ways people handle or demonstrate it? You can also ask your priest about this, and perhaps it will shed additional understanding.
 
SalesianSDB said:
My dad’s explanation is always “I’m not a priest, you can’t expect me to be celibate. And I’m lucky I found someone willing to go through this situation.”
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You expected him to act married, because he was married to your mother, who was not dead. You had every right to care.

At this point, though, I think you have to ask yourself how you would expect him to treat you if you had made your own adult decisions that he thought were wrong-headed or rationalizations of immorality.

He can’t go back and un-do what he did. The woman he intends to marry did not make your mother sick, she didn’t have anything to do with her death. Your father is free to marry, now.

I think the way to go is to presume that any sin he committed is something he could have repented of and confessed and been absolved of, all without your knowledge. If he tries to convince you he did the right thing, correct him. Otherwise, stay in today and let yesterday go. Your mother will have, by now. She is beyond holding a grudge, you are not showing loyalty by holding onto this offense against her, and for her sake and your own you ought to get beyond that past offense against your trust, as well. That is a process, that letting go of ill will over a past offense that cannot be un-done, not just something you decide to do. It will be better for you if you work in that direction, though.
SalesianSDB said:
We haven’t spoken yet and am not sure what I’ll say. So my question is what do I do now? How do I not lose my temper or just cry?

The loss of my mom, while 7 years coming has still been painful the last 2 months.

*The wedding is a ways away, do I go?
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I think you say, “I am still grieving Mom, Dad. You may be ready to move on, but I am not ready to talk about this. You’re going to need to leave me alone about it for awhile. I hope you understand.” If he doesn’t, that is his issue. Do not offer any defense for your grief. You don’t owe him one and, frankly, nothing good will come of it. You may say something you will later wish you had not bluntly put into words. He undoubtedly has very difficult emotions to cope with, too. You’re unlikely to say anything that is news to him.

As for the wedding, play that by ear. Today’s worries are sufficient for today. If they are both free to marry, it is not an invalid wedding, but because of the circumstances of the “courtship,” you might have to tell your dad you would be bad company that day. Wait and see and reserve the right to wait on your decision, if he asks. (I kind of doubt that he will.)

In other words, for today reserve the right to say nothing, if you have nothing to say that is likely to help matters. Do not feel you owe any apologies for that and remember that sometimes giving reasons does nothing but invite rebuttals. Point-counter-point can get very ugly when emotions are raw, and you can choose not to go there.
 
EasterJoy’s post is excellent advice.

Forgiveness can be very difficult at times. Give yourself time to grieve, and pray.

I will also pray for you. :gopray2:
 
SalesianSDB said:
Last night I found out my father proposed to his girlfriend of 5 years. I found out through Facebook (which is one of the reasons I’m upset but I’m 23 so I don’t expect him to ask permission. A heads up would have been nice though).

The other reason is that they started dating when my mother was in a vegetative state. She even moved in with my dad while my mother was in the next room with nurses.

There’s no counting how many fights I’ve had with my dad over the relationship and now I’m at a point where in order to have a relationship with my last loving parent, I do my best to be friendly around them (and for the most part she is a sweet woman).

My mother finally passed away 2 months ago, so I’m not surprised he popped the question. But I’m still angry.

We haven’t spoken yet and am not sure what I’ll say. So my question is what do I do now? How do I not lose my temper or just cry?

The loss of my mom, while 7 years coming has still been painful the last 2 months.

*The wedding is a ways away, do I go?
Click to expand...
You might want to talk with your parish priest then he will guide you from there
 
It sounds like your relationship with him is already strained if you found out about the engagement from FB. From your description of heated conversations, it might be that he feels you will be critical of his decision, and might be protecting himself from additional pain.

On top of that, you are grieving the loss of your mother. Add the dynamics of his relationship while your mother was alive and I could see the foundation for a lot of hurt. It could easily turn into a situation where everyone loses.

As has been suggested, it might be a good idea to seek counsel from a Priest or counselor to deal with the emotional issues surrounding the situation.

Good luck, and sorry for your loss.
 
What he did was wrong, but it’s not like he can go back and do it differently. Since your mother has passed, your father is free to remarry now, so he isn’t doing anything wrong at this point. You don’t have a moral obligation not to go to the wedding, but I think it’s understandable at this point, given that it’s so close to the death of your mother.
 
SalesianSDB said:
. . . :ehh: . . .
My dad’s explanation is always “I’m not a priest, you can’t expect me to be celibate. And I’m lucky I found someone willing to go through this situation.”
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+May God tenderly comfort and bless you at this time of the loss of your mother . . .

But in relation to your father and his life choices . . . adultery is adultery . . . and the above lame attempt at rationalization of the . . . mortal sin . . . of adultery only serves to show the . . . incredibly sad and deceived … sorry state of your father’s soul at this time . . . as he continues to attempt to deceive himself . . . and all those 'round about him . . . yourself included . . .

A warm, tender and forgiving heart is something our Wonderful God has and would have us share in . . . but until a sinner truly. . . repents . . . of their sin . . . the breach/separation their sin has caused between God and all God’s children continues to exist and remains . . .

In the Old :bible1: Testament . . . King David . . . is an example of a man who also tried to deceive himself . . . and . . . God . . . and . . . all those around himself . . . when he entered into the mortal sin of adultery . . . . .

The wonderful Benedictine nuns . . . *who have been such marvelous influences in my life *. . . practice praying David’s prayer of contrition recorded in the :bible1: Book of Psalms upon the occasion of sin . . . which he prayed in repentence for his adulterous plus sin with Bathsheba . . . and only . . . after . . . sincerely repenting did he marry Bathsheba . . . and I pray and hope no holy priest within our Holy Mother Catholic Church would marry your father and this woman . . . unless . . . sincere repentence and confession for past sin occurred . . .

:bible1:
**PSALM 50 **

Miserere.

The repentance and confession
of David after his sin.

**+ The fourth penitential psalm. + **

1 Unto the end, a psalm of David,

2 When Nathan the prophet came to him
after he had sinned with Bethsabee.

3 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to thy great mercy.
And according to the multitude of thy tender mercies
blot out my iniquity.
4 Wash me yet more from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.
5 For I know my iniquity,
and my sin is always before me.

+ 6 To thee only have I sinned,
and have done evil before thee: +

that **thou **mayst be justified in **thy **words
and mayst overcome when thou art judge.
7 For behold I was conceived in iniquities;
and in sins did my mother conceive me.
8 For behold thou hast loved truth:
the uncertain and hidden things of thy wisdom
thou hast made manifest to me.
9 Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop,
and I shall be cleansed:
thou shalt wash me,
and I shall be made whiter than snow.
10 To my hearing **thou **shalt give joy and gladness:
and the bones that have been humbled shall rejoice.
11 Turn away **thy **face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.

+ 12 Create a clean heart in me, O God:
and renew a right spirit within my bowels. +

13 Cast me not away from thy face;
and take not thy **holy spirit **from me.

+ 14 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation,
and strengthen me with a perfect spirit. +

15 I will teach the unjust** thy **ways:
and the wicked shall be converted to thee.
16 Deliver me from blood, O God,

+ thou God of my salvation: +

and my tongue shall extol **thy **justice.
17 O Lord, thou wilt open my lips:
and my mouth shall declare thy praise.
18 For if thou hadst desired sacrifice,
I would indeed have given it:
with burnt offerings thou wilt not be delighted.

+ 19 A sacrifice to God is an afflicted spirit: a contrite
and humbled ❤️ heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. +

20 Deal favourably, O Lord, in **thy **good will with Sion;
that the walls of Jerusalem may be built up.
21 Then shalt thou accept the sacrifice of justice,
oblations and whole burnt offerings:
then shall they lay calves upon thy altar.

. . . :signofcross: . . .

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+​
 
+**Oops - correction . . . **

Felt led to just , , , double check . . . the facts in :bible1: Scripture . . . re David’s marriage to Bathsheba following her husband . . . Urias’ . . . death . . . and the LORD sending the prophet Nathan to bring King David into accountability . . . which conviction of sin and repentance occurred on King David’s part . . . after . . . the marriage . . . all of which brought about a heavy judgement for sin into David’s life . . .

"And the wife of Urias heard that Urias her husband was dead, and she mourned for him. And the mourning being over, David sent and brought her into his house, and she became his wife, and she bore him a son: and this thing which David had done, was displeasing to the LORD.

And the LORD sent Nathan to David: …" - 2 Samuel 11:16-17, 12:1​

Sorry about that . . .
. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+​
 
As much as I agree, the Catholic thing to do would be to forgive him… personally, if it was me, I would not have a problem vocalizing that I can no longer trust him. I think after what he did to your mom while she was alive, you have good reason to doubt his moral character and expect him to earn back your trust. However, from what I have seen of widowers, they are in too much pain usually to think about other people especially adult children. I doubt he will ever come around
 
Now it’s two days later and I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. A part of me knows the right thing is to just move on and forget the past and be happy for him, but I still can’t help being mad and wanting to be mad.

It’s also complicated because I had 7 years to prepare for her death (I never expected her to come out of her vegetative state) but am still in pain after her actual death. In fact, 2 days before she died, my father and I got into a huge fight over me saying “I hope to see her again” on her birthday (I was referring to heaven, he said she’s gone and I need to let it go). But I thought our relationship cleared up after the funeral.

And not to make it sound like he’s terrible, he really is a good father and made sure nurses did everything possible to care for my mom while she was sick. But his girlfriend was always an issue with me (especially when he took her to family vacations with our extended family and young cousins, it was an extra pain for me).

It’s just a complicated situation, not helped with the fact that I recently moved to a new rural state not to long ago and having a rough transition. And part of me just can’t help but wonder how long he’s been waiting for my mom to just die so he could finally move on with his public mistress.

And for clarification, the fiance has been married and divorced twice, so the wedding won’t be in a Catholic church.
 
Also, are there any good saints to pray to about this?

I’m particularly fond of asking St. Maria Goretti for her prayers and think she can help with forgiveness. Not sure if there’s a better saint for this situation, though.
 
SalesianSDB said:
Now it’s two days later and I wanted to thank everyone for their responses. A part of me knows the right thing is to just move on and forget the past and be happy for him, but I still can’t help being mad and wanting to be mad.

It’s also complicated because I had 7 years to prepare for her death (I never expected her to come out of her vegetative state) but am still in pain after her actual death. In fact, 2 days before she died, my father and I got into a huge fight over me saying “I hope to see her again” on her birthday (I was referring to heaven, he said she’s gone and I need to let it go). But I thought our relationship cleared up after the funeral.

And not to make it sound like he’s terrible, he really is a good father and made sure nurses did everything possible to care for my mom while she was sick. But his girlfriend was always an issue with me (especially when he took her to family vacations with our extended family and young cousins, it was an extra pain for me).

It’s just a complicated situation, not helped with the fact that I recently moved to a new rural state not to long ago and having a rough transition. And part of me just can’t help but wonder how long he’s been waiting for my mom to just die so he could finally move on with his public mistress.

And for clarification, the fiance has been married and divorced twice, so the wedding won’t be in a Catholic church.
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I am not at all surprised that your mother’s death was a new source of grief for you. Even when the death of a loved one relieves suffering, the finality of it still hurts. When my father died, several years after my mom, there was grief all over again* for Mom*, and not just for Dad.

“Moving on” after an offense is not necessarily something you just “do.” You have to work through it. I was helped by a book titled, “How to Forgive: A Step-By-Step Guide” by Fr. John Monbourquette, OMI. Not everything in the book helped me, but overall I learned a great deal from it. (It is out of print but can still be found used.) Something like that might help you. You might profit from counselling. I would urge you not to try to force yourself to “get over it,” though. That isn’t a fair expectation to place on yourself.

The question about how long he’s been waiting for your mother to die sounds as if it is fair and yet, as you realize, is something you should never say unless you are setting out to pick a fight. That’s the kind of thing you may want to debrief with your pastor or a counselor.

If he’s marrying outside the Church because he has no idea whether or not his partner is free to marry or not, you don’t have to be “happy” about that. “Accepting” is more like realizing that bluntly confronting him about it will not accomplish anything, and deciding not to “throw pearls before swine.” Don’t stir up confrontations unless there is some reasonable hope that someone will be turned toward repentance, edified or otherwise helped by it. It sounds as if you have already found your father to be hardened in his stance on that front.
 
SalesianSDB said:
Also, are there any good saints to pray to about this?

I’m particularly fond of asking St. Maria Goretti for her prayers and think she can help with forgiveness. Not sure if there’s a better saint for this situation, though.
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+Seeking the Blessed St. Anthony’s pray:gopray2:erful help is always wonderfully beneficial . . . I love the below prayer . . . whether it is prayed as a novena . . . or prayed just as a normal prayer during times of need . . . * it is always brings abundant blessings without fail . . . *

+**
:gopray2:
PRAYER
TO
ST. ANTHONY**

O Holy St. Anthony,
gentlest of saints,
your love for
God
and charity for His creatures
made you worthy
even on earth to posess
miraculous powers.

Miracles
waited on your word
which you were ever ready to speak
for those in trouble or in anxiety

+ . . . encouraged by this . . . +

we implore you to obtain

+ the eternal peace and rest of soul
for this dearly beloved mother who has gone home
to be with our dear LORD+
  • that this erring father to be completely brought out of darkness
    into our Wonderful God’s lov:heart:ing holy light +
    +the comfort, healing and blessing upon the heart. soul and life of SelesianSDB+
The answer to our prayers
may require a miracle;
even so, you are the
Saint of Miracles
O gentle and loving St. Anthony,
whose heart is ever full of human sympathy,
whisper our petitions into the Ears of the

+ Jesus our Wonderful Saviour, +

Who loved to be enfolded in your arms,
and the gratitude of our hearts
will be ever yours.
+
- prayer shared by Sister JoAnn
Dominican Sister of Hope
Mt. St. Mary’s Convent

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . Sacred Heart ❤️ of Jesus+
. . . have mercy+
. . . Jesus I trust in You!+
. . . thank You Dear LORD of All+
. . . thank you Blessed St. Anthony+
:signofcross:​
 
Hi. First of all let me say that I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to go through your teen years without her guidance and for you to see her suffer.

It is always very difficult to lose a parent especially at such a young age.

As for your dad, sometimes people act in ways that we wish that they didn’t.

You asked for a Saint to pray to. Why not ask your mother to intervene for you? I believe that even if she is in Purgatory, she can still pray for you and for your Dad and his conversion.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Hi. First of all let me say that I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to go through your teen years without her guidance and for you to see her suffer.

It is always very difficult to lose a parent especially at such a young age.

As for your dad, sometimes people act in ways that we wish that they didn’t.

You asked for a Saint to pray to. Why not ask your mother to intervene for you? I believe that even if she is in Purgatory, she can still pray for you and for your Dad and his conversion.
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Yes, it is fine to ask for our deceased loved ones to pray for us. The Church officially recognizes those saints for whom God has given evidence of particular power in intercession, that their aid may be widely called upon and the example of their lives might be widely known, but that does not mean that private persons cannot rightly ask for the help in prayer of those very people they would have called up in life. We are a Church that is not conquered by death. We can still help each other after death.
 
Usually, when I hear things that are completely wrong and seemingly cold hearted, i try and see the motivation behind the action. It does not make the behavior less sinful, just more understandable. Especially if a relationship is to be maintained with the other person…

In this circumstance, I would first think of how much your dad loved your mom…given that he loved her very much, why would he do such a thing?

Perhaps your dad could not keep it together alone…when people are vulnerable or in grief mode they can make extremely poor choices
For some too they do not want to give the appearance of weakness.for him to lose the love of his life is devastating, perhaps could not face his raw feelings.

I am not excusing your dad’s behavior at all…I just hope that you can soften a bit to understand that he lost your mom too and maybe, just maybe this is the only way he could cope with it. It goes against what we normally would think, it is sinful and unthinkable but people go into survival mode sometimes too.

We have to show mercy to others, especially to those who are broken.
 
There is no requirement to ever speak to him again.

Many monks, once becoming a monk, have never spoken to their relatives ever again.

Just a different thought.
 
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