My fiancé isn’t pro life

  • Thread starter Thread starter Calistus1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Calistus1

Guest
Hello,

I have been with my fiancé for almost two years. I’m 23 and he’s 25. He’s not a big talker, but I’ve told him many many times about being pro life, and doing pro life activism. I kind of always just assumed he agreed with me that it should be illegal, especially because he’s from a country where it’s illegal and taboo… not sure that I had ever outright asked him, which is my fault. Anyway, something he said made me start to wonder, and so I did ask him. He said he thinks it should be case by case, like if the girls future would be ruined or if she had been raped… I got upset by that. then later he told me something a little different…he said that it’s always going to be the moms decision- that we can give advice… but we can’t control everyone or try to get involved in everyone’s life. He’s definitely a “live and let live” kind of person. I always admired that because I know a lot of guys who are really gossipy and I find that unbearable. But obviously abortion is not something we can take that stance with, since it involves killing innocent babies. I’m not super political, and I’m pretty open minded about a lot of things. But I’ve always felt that abortion was a non negotiable topic. He told me he would never ask me to get an abortion, and I’m sure he wouldn’t. But just the fact that he’s not 100% “abortion is completely evil”, as I am, has really got me doubting our relationship. Do you think this is grounds for breaking up with him? I asked him if he would ever consider changing his opinion, and he said he doesn’t know.
 
You don’t mention whether or not he is Catholic, or whether he has a worldly attitude to life like many unbelievers.
He clearly is very honest, but only gave his opinion because you directly asked him, and along with his assurance that he would never ask you to have an abortion, it would appear that he is sensitive to and respectful of your opinions. Of itself, that shows he has a basic decency.
He is honest in saying he doesn’t know, in relation to your question as to whether he would change his mind.

As your fiance does say he can’t be certain that he won’t change his mind, try to explain why abortion is murder of a human being, murder of every little one who is killed.

The word “abortion” itself is cliched enough that it can be a veil to hide the fact that an actual person, an actual baby, is being killed.

Discuss with him options to killing “an unwanted child”, like giving the baby to a couple who wants children and will love and raise the child in a welcoming family.
Hopefully you will receive advice on this thread as to how best to explain why the Church, and why you, support the right to life of each conceived human person.

My God bless and protect all unborn children, and all children who are born into this world, from all harm and danger
 
Last edited:
This is something he might change his mind on.

And some people are okay with abortion in theory but not for themselves.

But you should make clear—would he pressure you if you had a poor prenatal diagnosis or if he deemed you had “too many” kids?
 
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
But you should make clear—would he pressure you if you had a poor prenatal diagnosis or if he deemed you had “too many” kids?
Click to expand...
Yeah, this is an important area to look into.

To OP: As he’s a pro choice male, this may not be a huge issue over time (when it comes to you guys actually having kids). If a pro life man says he has a pro choice fiancé, he may have to worry about the possibility of her choosing to abort their child later on. Obviously I’m generalising here.

Additionally, you may want to discuss about how you’re going to raise your children. Is he on board with teaching your children pro life values?
 
The point I would be most concerned about is exactly this
Lea101 said:
Additionally, you may want to discuss about how you’re going to raise your children. Is he on board with teaching your children pro life values?
Click to expand...
That’s a biggie, and it would have to be non-negotiable that you raise your kids to be 100% pro-life.
 
0Scarlett_nidiyilii said:
This is something he might change his mind on.
Click to expand...
Yes. My husband did.

Pro-life activist Abby Johnson was pro-choice when she married her pro-life husband.

Anecdotes, yes, but the point is that by keeping the dialogue open, men can change their views on this.
Calistus1 said:
Do you think this is grounds for breaking up with him?
Click to expand...
It depends. Where you said he’s “live and let live,” is that the basis of his pro-choice position? “You do your thing, I’ll do mine?” A lot of guys I know are just spineless people-pleasers on the issue. They haven’t given it much critical thought but want to look like Good Guys who “respect women.”

If that’s the case, I would not rule out marriage, but definitely keep the dialogue open and ongoing.

Also, does he have any past experience with abortion? Any chance that he has and hasn’t disclosed it to you?

There are a couple of circumstances that might rule out marriage.

First, if he’s ragingly pro-choice, e.g. volunteering for Planned Parenthood and showing up at abortion rights demonstrations, I don’t recommend marriage.

And second, as other posters have said, a major deal-breaker would be how his views would directly affect your marriage and child-bearing decisions. Are there any circumstances under which he’d pressure you to get an abortion? It’s an ironic gesture from people who call themselves “pro-choice,” but believe me, it happens. :roll_eyes:
 
Last edited:
Because the pro life stance is not just based on the legality of abortion but on the objective view of human dignity, the attitudes you both have will affect the whole of your lives.

And anyone here who is married for any time will tell you that difficult things will happen in marriage and family life. And your respective views of the human person will affect how you work these things out.
 
I don’t know if I can comment on the issue of breaking up on what you have said here… but I do recommend that you have a series of talks about other issues and all issues. It sounds like you may not have talked through your beliefs extensively. If such a big issue as this can slip through the cracks then others may do too, it is better to chat about all the big things now before marriage than after. I agree that you have not said if he is Catholic and that is something that needs to be mentioned as if he is it means he is not serious about his faith, which is a big issue. If he’s not then you may have to chalk it up to interfaith issues and discuss it under that heading. Either way it sounds like you need to have some serious talks and check any other issues. God bless you both.
 
What if you two end up having a daughter that got unintentionally pregnant and wanted to abort. Would he oppose you and stand with you in that situation?
 
He sounds like my husband. Mine is exactly the same as your fiancé and as long as he is happy for you to bring any children up in the faith I don’t see this as grounds for breaking up unless this opens up other avenues that reveal serious incompatibility such as he has decided he never wants kids etc
 
Calistus1 said:
Do you think this is grounds for breaking up with him?
Click to expand...
Yes. I would definitely break up for this. Obviously just my own opinion but for me being 100% pro-life was non-negotiable.
I did actually break up a pretty serious relationship for this reason but in the end I think it was the right decision.
 
Wow, thanks so much for all the well thought out and non critical responses. Yes, he is Catholic. He was raised in South America (in the country where my mom is from) in their culture, it’s expected to be Catholic in name only- to have crucifixes, to name your daughter Maria, etc… but also being promiscuous, cheating, not going to church except holidays etc, are all the norm. He’s smart, and I’m surprised a lot of the time by how well he’s thought things through, especially considering his rough upbringing. He wants to raise our kids “the way I was raised” because he really values that I have been protected and was not exposed as a kid to sex and was never promiscuous. basically he likes purity, and wants that for our kids. I guess the abortion thing probably won’t effect our daily lives. He has agreed that we could do nfp if needed, though he doesn’t fully get the problem with contraception.

He goes to church and confession every so often when I’m not around. When I’m there he’ll always go to mass and confession with me without issue.

I guess my real issue is mostly this- my dad has always been the leader of our family in terms of morality. And even though my fiancé is willing to do things the way I want to do them, I don’t think he’d ever be the one to enforce the rules. Like if I changed my mind about contraception, he’d probably be just fine with it, relieved even.
I want my husband to be the leader in our family, it just seems to me that families with that dynamic are the most healthy. I guess I could let him be the leader in everything else, and I be the person who makes sure we get to church, pray as a family, teach catholic morals to our children.

I’m guessing that over time, going to mass with me regularly, and actually starting to understand our faith from people who are better at explaining than I am, he’d get all the stuff I’ve been telling him.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that his younger sister had an abortion. He’s really protective of her and I feel like him being so open minded about abortion might just be him not wanting to admit that his sister did something so wrong, so instead he rationalizes it in his mind for her.

What are your thoughts?

Thank you
 
Calistus1 said:
I guess my real issue is mostly this- my dad has always been the leader of our family in terms of morality. And even though my fiancé is willing to do things the way I want to do them, I don’t think he’d ever be the one to enforce the rules.
Click to expand...
This is a really big red flag to me.
Your fiance is his own person, not your father.
To expect him to behave like your father does with his family is completely unfair.

Have you two discussed your roles as husband and wife? Does he know what you expect from him?
IMHO, his stance on abortion is the least of your problems.
 
Discuss religion with him. See what he believes. Correct him if needed.
 
I don’t want him to be my father, not at all. I said the part about my dad because I want to say that it’s important to me for the dad to be the leader in a family. I don’t want to be the kind of family where the mom tells everyone what to do and the dad just follows along. At the same time, I’d like to imagine that a family could exist where the mom is the moral leader, and the Dad is the leader in other things. Im the reply i wrote I’m asking if that’s possible.
 
Thanks. In your mind does it make any difference that he is the man and I’m the woman? Like obviously if you’re a guy you can’t really control if your spouse is going to have an abortion, but as the woman you do have the final say. Or would you feel the same even if you were the female and your potential spouse was the male?
 
You need to sit down with him and discuss all of these things in an open, honest way.
You say you don’t want him to be like your father, but then you say this.
Calistus1 said:
I want my husband to be the leader in our family, it just seems to me that families with that dynamic are the most healthy. I guess I could let him be the leader in everything else, and I be the person who makes sure we get to church, pray as a family, teach catholic morals to our children.
Click to expand...
Does your fiance know this is how you feel about his role in your family?
 
Yes, he knows. And that’s what he wants too. I don’t see how him being the leader in our family is putting too much pressure on him to be my dad. I only mentioned my dad because I think he’s a good example of someone who is the leader in a family. I think if you asked my fiancé if I want him to be my dad based on our conversations, he would give a big “no”.
 
I am only going based on what you wrote and as a woman who has been married for over 30 years.
If you are contemplating leaving him just because you both don’t agree on a single pro-life issue, it makes me wonder if there are not other things that are issues.

You have very definite ideas on roles and how you think marriage should work. If your fiance doesn’t agree, but is just going along to get along, you and your family, are not going to fair well in the future.

Please, have these honest, open discussions now. It will save much heartache in the future.
 
Last edited:
Thanks, I appreciate your response. There aren’t a lot of things that would alone be a deal breaker for me… even on the pro life thing I’m not 100% sure, and for that reason I made this post. I do see abortion as the greatest evil of our time, so that’s why I’m so concerned.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top