My fiancé isn’t pro life

[QwertyGirl]

Here is the thing, as I see it. You both are really young. People change all the time. Nobody stays the same. So even if your fiance was even more pro-life than you are now, there is no guarantee he would stay that way over the course of a 50 or 60 year marriage. People usually grow and change based on their life experiences.

Only you can decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. Nobody here can tell you that. You have to look at the big picture. You have to look at what it is you want. But know that nobody stays the same. If you marry, you may have to work hard as your husband grows through life. He may have to work hard as you grow and develop through life.

Some things in marriage, you have to agree to disagree on, if you are going to live a peaceful and happy life. You should have many long conversations with him about what that looks like, especially with regards to this issue. If you won’t be able to live peacefully while agreeing to disagree on this issue, then that sort of gives you your answer.

All couples considering marriage should have those discussions, even if they have the exact same value systems today. Tomorrow may bring something very different, and a couple needs to know how they will manage being in a marriage with these differences.

 

[Calistus1]

Thanks a lot. That was a really well thought out response and I appreciate it.

 

[jrgmercado]

I don’t think that your fiance isn’t “prolife” but just hasn’t thought much about it. I’m assuming he still lives in your mother’s home country. If it’s a Latin American country, men aren’t normally included in what would be considered “women issues” which basically means anything that involves ovaries or uterus. Case in point, I worked for a public health clinic and part of my duties was to provide translation services for patients with limited English skills. While English is technically my second language, I spoke Spanish first, I don’t have a formal education in Spanish so I didn’t know what the technical/medical terms for certain anatomical terms…My mother still finds that “training” session quite funny and there was some terms we had to look up because she didn’t know either. Fortunately, I just needed to know very basic terms and I made it work.
At the end of the day, pro life/pro choice are mostly 1st world problems, in many countries of the world there isn’t much of a discussion. You will need to decide if it’s a deal breaker of not.

 

[TK421]

People can support social issues out of a desire to conform, spinelessness, or a desire to appear superficially nice (“women’s health”, same-sex marriage) or because of solid ideological conviction.

The former is cowardly and isnt praiseworthy but it probably means they can be better persuaded on the topic. If he is staunchly pro-choice there is a bigger problem with how you are going to interact years down the road or with raising children.

Issues never exist in vacuums, so being pro-choice speaks more about a person’s overall view on life than only a specific issue.

 

[AdamP88]

Some things in marriage, you have to agree to disagree on

The fewer the better though. Especially from a Catholic perspective. I would say that any disparity in terms of the morality of abortion or disagreement about the nature of marriage (lifelong between a man and woman) is a good enough reason to consider if you want to marry this person. I know not everyone will agree but I’m talking about this from the perspective of someone who is a Catholic and wants their marriage to have the best possible chance. You also have to think of kids. What views will they pick up,

 

[TheLittleLady]

Never ever ever ever ever marry someone expecting them to change.

I’m guessing that over time, going to mass with me regularly, and actually starting to understand our faith from people who are better at explaining than I am, he’d get all the stuff I’ve been telling him.

Only marry someone if you can live with them exactly as they are today for the next 70 years. Only if you are perfectly willing for your children to embrace the ideals held by your intended today.

Not everyone has t be an activist, people of good faith can disagree on the means to build a culture of life, but, someone who feels that abortion is a subjective thing is a whole different kettle of fish.

The other thing I forgot to mention is that his younger sister had an abortion. He’s really protective of her and I feel like him being so open minded about abortion might just be him not wanting to admit that his sister did something so wrong, so instead he rationalizes it in his mind for her.

This is where the rubber meets the road.

I would suggest that you both talk to the pastor who is doing your marriage prep about this issue, first separately, then together.

 

[AdamP88]

Only marry someone if you can live with them exactly as they are today for the next 70 years. Only if you are perfectly willing for your children to embrace the ideals held by your intended today.

Agree 100%
This is why I would be so adamant on this issue.

 

[Wife.of.Gabriel]

Do you think this is grounds for breaking up with him?

As a fiancé, you’re very seriously considering marrying & having children with a man whose (lack of) Mortality includes that killing children on a ‘case by case’ basis is perfectly acceptable.

Personally, I’d not want someone with that (lack of) Morality to babysit for me.

You’re considering making him the father of each of your future children. In the distant future, you’re married and financially/emotionally life is getting difficult & he could easily perceive that your future is being ruined by one of your existing children or you’re pregnant with your next child - kids are a financial & emotional drain (they’re also a tremendous blessing). Some Dads kill their own children in these situations or pressure their wives to abort or slip them medicine to cause an abortion. He says now that he’ll never do that, but for 2 yrs you believed him to be on the same page with with regarding Pro-life. How sure are you that when times get challenging his (lack of) Morality won’t resurface it’s ugly head causing serious problems for your marriage?

You’ll need to answer your own question as to whether or not this is an important enough issue to break off your engagement. Prayer with Fasting is always a good place to start when making a big decision.

 

[TechieGuy]

If it is the case that any guy you marry must be 100% hard core anti-abortion, then save yourself (and him) some grief and break the engagement off today.

 

[Asinner]

At the same time, I’d like to imagine that a family could exist where the mom is the moral leader

Just a warning to you, there is evidence out there that this simply is not the case. It seems if the father is religious, the children are more likely to be as well, while if he isn’t, the children likely won’t be either, irrespective of the religious practice of the mother.

Fathers: Key to Their Children's Faith | Opinion News

I promise I’m not trying to sway you into any sort of action, I just want you (and others) to have some helpful information.

 

[Lara]

In a world that is vehemently pro-choice, it is paramount to have allies. Your husband should be your ally in all important things. Some people can live in marriages where they agree to disagree, but how can you build anything if two people are canceling each other’s efforts out? You want to build the city of God, he wants to go along with the crowd and not think seriously about the ramifications of what he believes. For instance, he doesn’t realize a child born of rape is still a child with a right to life. He’s only seeing things from the mother’s perspective.

 

[TheLittleLady]

To underline, I would agree with the OP’s feelings. This man saw his own dear sister in such agony that she felt abortion was her only solution. He is not about to join his voice to those who call his sister a murderer.

If I met him, I would tell him that his sister deserved better, that my heart breaks that she felt this was her only option, that it is my prayer to make our world such a place of welcome and love that no woman need ever think about abortion. A world where his sister would never have to be that afraid.

Perhaps if he understands that no one is blaming her, that pro life is about every life including his sister’s, get him in touch with the Respect Life office at his Diocese to find resources.

 

[AdamP88]

To underline, I would agree with the OP’s feelings. This man saw his own dear sister in such agony that she felt abortion was her only solution. He is not about to join his voice to those who call his sister a murderer.

Nobody is saying he needs to call his sister a murderer. But that is not the main consideration here. Having compassion for someone and being discerning about your future spouse are not mutually exclusive. If this guy is prepared to accept abortion “sometimes” just because his sister had one, then perhaps he’s not a man for a Catholic woman who takes her faith seriously. Compassion does not mean lying about the seriousness of an action. That’s just false mercy and doesn’t help anyone.

His sister may deserve better, but this is about his actual attitudes and how that will affect his possible future family if the OP does marry him.
Again…if he’s not prepared to completely condemn abortion for what it is, the murder of an entirely innocent baby, then dump him. Would anyone marry someone who was ok with “a little bit of rape”, or “a little bit of slavery”? Probably not. Why accept someone who is ok with a little bit of abortion?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Nobody is saying he needs to call his sister a murderer.

No, but things like this:

Some Dads kill their own children in these situations or pressure their wives to abort or slip them medicine to cause an abortion.

Are getting close to that train of thought. Just wanted to speak to the OP the advice to be kind to him and the sister, even if a break up comes, to avoid the emotionally charged statements.

Why accept someone who is ok with a little bit of abortion?

Oh, the road we could travel on that statement!! I agree and am called pro-abortion by many for that stand.

 

[AdamP88]

Oh, the road we could travel on that statement!! I agree and am called pro-abortion by many for that stand.

Please elaborate. I mean, I think it’s a reasonable expectation for a Catholic who is serious about their faith to rule out people who are “a little bit pro-abortion”.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I really don’t want to derail the OP’s thread.

If you search on my posting history, on pretty much any abortion thread, you will soon see it

 

[Crocus]

It seems if the father is religious, the children are more likely to be as well, while if he isn’t, the children likely won’t be either, irrespective of the religious practice of the mother.

I have observed this to be the case for the most part, with few exceptions.

OP, consider that your husband is very likely to be the spiritual leader in your family, however perhaps not in the direction you hope for. You are asking a lot from him and he probably does not even know the half of it.