My fiance is indecisive about almost everything

[StLouisCatholic]

My question is for anyone on this forum who wishes to answer and give friendly advice, but is particularly addressed to all of the married men.
My fiancé and I are to be married towards the end of this year. I love her and see her as my vocation in life. We’re both in our mid-to-late twenties, are employed, and are faithful Catholics. As with any relationship, there are some things that she does which grind my gears, and I was wondering if anyone could provide some advice.
My fiance is indecisive about almost everything. This includes minor issues like dating activities, food choices, and clothing, but occasionally includes more serious issues too. Whenever issues of indecisiveness occur, I either end up making a decision for her, or we table the topic at hand for a later date—which sometimes never occurs. Whenever I try to push her into making a decision, she feels like I am forcing her into a corner or am using intimidation to achieve my will. However I rarely push her into making a decision because of her feelings. Usually, I either end up feeling like a jerk by deciding her opinion for her, or I feel as if her indecisiveness is a reflection of her indifference or disinterest of the topic or our relationship.
To give a not too serious example, my fiance and I have been trying to decide which parish to regularly attend once we are married. Recently I moved from one part of the city to another, and my fiance will be moving in with me after we’re married. We had an issue with my new territorial parish such that we would like to attend a different church for regular Mass. We’ve attended Mass at her current parish, my old parish, my current territorial parish, a few parishes surrounding my new territorial parish, and a few non-territorial parishes in the Archdiocese. After a few weeks, I asked her which parish she would like to regularly attend. We discussed the pros and cons for each church, and then she asked me what was my preference. I responded with my preference with the caveat that my preference should not have any bearing on her decision. She said she would need some time to think about it, and for the past two months, I’ve asked her every other week if she had made a decision. Each time we go over the same pros and cons, and then I ask about her preference; and each time she said she needed more time to decide. My future wife says that her indecisiveness is almost entirely due to an attitude of indifference and laissez-faire philosophy, and not that of disinterest. After discussing this issue of indecisiveness, my fiance pointed out that she believes my work heavily affects my personality, and that her indecisiveness is more or less a societal norm. One of the differences in our careers is that I regularly must make what I call an “executive decision”, whereby I must immediate choose either options A or B, and am unable to change my decision once made. My fiance rarely, if ever comes across such a situation in her career.
My question is the following: when faced with the indecisiveness of another, how does one discriminate between viewing it as indifference or disinterest? Secondly, how have you been able to help your wife (or husband) to become less indecisive?

 

[EasterJoy]

I remember someone I know who tells this story: Her friend’s mother used to come to her family and say, “What do you want for dinner, chicken or beef?” They learned not to say, “We don’t care” or “You decide”, because she would say “I don’t have any ‘we don’t care’” (or “I don’t have any ‘you decide’”) “I have chicken or beef. If I wanted to get stuck deciding again, I wouldn’t have asked you. I’m tired of deciding, so I’m asking you again: Chicken or beef?”

You need to tell your fiancé that deciding is work, and you don’t want to get stuck with it all of the time. You also do not want her to always have the pleasure of giving way…and it is a pleasure to give way to someone you love!

 

[RTz]

I am not married, so please take this suggestion for what’s it worth

From a strictly objective point of view, I suppose a compromise can be worked out where by default you are the decision maker, unless your fiancee (soon to be wife) has a strong feeling about something.

By agreeing on this in advance, and making sure she is OK with you making decisions on most things (in line with her carefree personality), harmony can be maintained between you who like to take charge of things and your fiancee which as you stated does not have strong preferences in things.

Keep in mind, she may have strong opinions on some things, and you need to be able to jam the breaks occasionally and back off on these occasions even though you may be used to going full speed ahead by default.

I hope these suggestions makes sense

God bless.

 

[thewanderer]

You need to tell your fiancé that deciding is work, and you don’t want to get stuck with it all of the time. You also do not want her to always have the pleasure of giving way…and it is a pleasure to give way to someone you love!

I am the indecisive woman in my relationship, and my fiance also is certainly bugged by it. At least for me it truly is a matter of no option particularly standing out as the best option and all options seeming good. That, on top of the fact that I like other people to be happy, so, if I don’t have a strong opinion on it I want to go with whatever the other person/persons want. ( I pretty much always refuse to take charge of the ipod in a car for this reason). I’m still far from perfect about this, but realizing how much my fiance wants to be able to give me things I want, and connecting the dots about how I feel about decisions with how he must feel about them too have really helped me make more of an effort to just make a decision even if I don’t have a strong preference. How to help her realize this… well, I’m not sure what the best way is, its not something my fiance explicitly pushed, although he did explicitly say it at least once, which helped get the ball rolling I guess. And, as I said, I’m nowhere near perfect in this matter, but, we’ve got our whole lives for me to improve (just as you have your whole life to learn patience through dealing with this fault of hers ) Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and the best of luck to you both.

 

[Lasting_faith]

I think you need to sit down and talk this thru with your priest. It can be a problem later on. In a marriage both decide and compromise. There really are no “boss” in the family (unless you buy a Rottweiler) so this issue is important to handle before it goes out of hands. You see, by being indecisive she is making sure you have nothing to say, and that is not a good start for a life-time project. So talk with your priest, he can help I reckon.

 

[quiet52]

I’ve always had difficulty choosing a restaurant because I truly like several (though there are some I refuse at). So I don’t mind someone else choosing for me, if they have stronger preferences.

Is it truly a “fault” on your fiance’s part to not have a preference (yet) about which parish to attend? Maybe she sees the good in each of them, at least for now. Maybe it’s okay with her that you choose, because you might have stronger preferences.

Your fiance might be from a family which didn’t give her many “rights” to choose, or maybe she never developed much of a sense of self-entitlement. If so, this will probably change in time, as both of you mature and adjust to being a couple. Keep in mind that the two of you are different in many ways. It’s not a matter of “positive” vs. “deficit” – don’t look down on her for being different from you.

 

[E_7]

Could it be aboulomania?

Or maybe she needs to start discovering herself more and know what she wants and what she likes.

Or maybe she is just neutral.

Why don’t you, as a couple (meaning together), do these four steps of life-giving decision-making taught by the Engaged Encounter program (at least in Asia).

1. Pray - to open you two to God’s will.
2. Discern - gather info, consult others for advice, mutual discussion, consider consequences.
3. Mutual Responsibility - both accept responsibility for the success or failure that could result.
4. Re-evaluation - As changes occur, re-think and re-work your original decision.

Use that process for small and big situations.

It should be always you two working together as couple for each other and for the glory of God.

My :twocents: , Sometimes my husband to be pops questions that I take my time thinking and take things into consideration inside my head and sometimes I go and imagine (meaning all this time, since he popped the question, I turn mute) and he is there sitting expecting my flash reply. And after two seconds, literally, he goes like “Did you listen?” or “why don’t you answer?”. It is funny now that I look back at it. But it isn’t when it is happening, sometimes he gets frustrated, and his patience being tested.

If it’s of any consolation, for us, eating out is an issue, because I’m a vegetarian and he is not. So I say “let’s go wherever you want to go to eat and from there I choose what I can eat.” And what gets me is that he is neutral. He doesn’t crave for anything in particular. And he doesn’t decide because he is not actually looking for what he would like to eat, but he is looking for what I can eat, lol. (I wasn’t aware of this until now that I’m sitting remembering and writing you this post). Contrary to him, I do have some cravings for food I can eat, but the problem is that I feel sorry for him, “he could be eating something more delicious if it wasn’t for me.” And so I believe it is always better to eat home-made food.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why your wife to be is like this, but I pray it goes well, keep praying and help each other to be holy!

By the way, I encourage you both to sign up for Engaged Encounter (the whole weekend, stay-in weekend). Blessings on your upcoming marriage!

God bless,
Elizabeth

 

[1ke]

This is a REAL problem.

This is not going to get better if you get married. In fact, I think it will only get worse.

And you cannot “help” her become more decisive (i.e. change her).

Frankly, this might be a deal breaker.

 

[Lorelei12]

I (the wife) am like you, OP. I’m pretty good at making decisions, because it’s the way I think. I’m analytical and have an opinion about just about everything. My husband, however, is the one who takes forever to decide anything. It does frustrate me, because I get sick of having to decide everything.

We were talking about it one day, though (he knows I wish he was more decisive), and he told me that even when he makes a decision, I don’t always go with it. For instance, if I ask him to decide where we are going to go out to eat, and he names a restaurant, sometimes I will say “Eh. I don’t really want to go there.” I didn’t even know I was doing this! The thing is, he knows I generally have a preference on things, and he genuinely doesn’t care most of the time about things like that.

Not everyone is a pro-con, list making type of person. Perhaps it truly doesn’t matter to her which church you attend, and if it matters more to you she is deferring to you for that reason.

I am not saying that this isn’t a problem- it does get a bit exhausting having to figure everything out. I think it works okay for us because my husband isn’t just pretending he doesn’t care- he really would rather have me choose things if they are more important to me than they are to him. One thing I have found helpful is, for example, with restaurants- naming three places we could go, and asking him to choose. However-on the big things- such as when we were deciding where to live, or job decisions, etc- he will give his opinion and we will decide together. So if your fiance is like this about the bigger things too, that is a bigger problem. If it’s mainly about things that don’t matter that much, I think it’s much easier to deal with.

 

[St_Francis]

Maybe discuss all this with a good solid priest. First, consider the role of the hisband/father to be the leader in the family, given his male nature, and the role of the wife to be submissive, according to her female nature.

Then consider ways in which this can work between the two of you. Maybe she will feel more cared for if you make the decisions? Maybe you two can come up with a system for deciding first on the importance of a decision for each of you, and the the preferences of each of you? So you two might decide that something is important to one of you bit not the other, and that person should decide. Or, she might need help in strengthening her will, and the priest should make some suggestions for that.

I think this could all be worked out as long as each of you is willing to make a little bit of change

 

[Robertanthony]

This is a REAL problem.

This is not going to get better if you get married. In fact, I think it will only get worse.

And you cannot “help” her become more decisive (i.e. change her).

Frankly, this might be a deal breaker.

Chronic indecisiveness is not a positive personality trait. OP’s fiancée has probably other personality flaws in the shape of anxiety, inconstant self-esteem, excessive desire to please and be non-confrontational. You sound like a well-trained athlete who gets up early to train and eat with his athletic goals in sight stuck with a slightly obese woman who sleeps in and gives in to her every food urge because “she can’t help it”. She is simply weak-willed, never want to commit for fear she will choose poorly: she will leave all life’s major decisions up to you (homeschooling/private school/Catholic school 50 miles away etc.) and will never be accountable if the result is not as desirable as expected. I suffer from aboulomania (didn’t even know that term) myself, but I’m the first to recognize that I have a severely suboptimal personality, I’m basically always afraid to choose poorly and be slapped in the face with the brutal realization that I am as dumb and incapable as I suspected. She is weak, you are strong and driven, do you see yourself being happy with someone as drastically different from you as her for the rest of your life? I would bet my bottom dollar she is also passive-aggressive, in keeping with her weak personality.

 

[sdeco]

Chronic indecisiveness is not a positive personality trait. OP’s fiancée has probably other personality flaws in the shape of anxiety, inconstant self-esteem, excessive desire to please and be non-confrontational. You sound like a well-trained athlete who gets up early to train and eat with his athletic goals in sight stuck with a slightly obese woman who sleeps in and gives in to her every food urge because “she can’t help it”. She is simply weak-willed, never want to commit for fear she will choose poorly: she will leave all life’s major decisions up to you (homeschooling/private school/Catholic school 50 miles away etc.) and will never be accountable if the result is not as desirable as expected. I suffer from aboulomania (didn’t even know that term) myself, but I’m the first to recognize that I have a severely suboptimal personality, I’m basically always afraid to choose poorly and be slapped in the face with the brutal realization that I am as dumb and incapable as I suspected. She is weak, you are strong and driven, do you see yourself being happy with someone as drastically different from you as her for the rest of your life? I would bet my bottom dollar she is also passive-aggressive, in keeping with her weak personality.

WOW, this is horribly judgmental. You don’t even know this woman. It sounds like you have a lot of self-loathing and are projecting it onto someone else.

 

[sdeco]

We were talking about it one day, though (he knows I wish he was more decisive), and he told me that even when he makes a decision, I don’t always go with it. For instance, if I ask him to decide where we are going to go out to eat, and he names a restaurant, sometimes I will say “Eh. I don’t really want to go there.” I didn’t even know I was doing this! The thing is, he knows I generally have a preference on things, and he genuinely doesn’t care most of the time about things like that.

I agree completely with this. My husband and I are the same way, except he is the more decisive one. I have strong opinions about important stuff, but I honestly don’t care about such trivial things as what restaurant to go to or what to have for dinner. Sometimes he says he wishes I would make more decisions, which is totally fine. I understand that it can be tiring to always be the one making decisions, even small ones. But then when I suggest something, he’ll shoot it down! Sometimes it seems like he actually does have a preference, but he won’t tell me what it is and wants me to read his mind and suggest the same thing he had in mind. OP, make sure you aren’t doing this!

 

[seagal]

My future wife says that her indecisiveness is almost entirely due to an attitude of indifference and laissez-faire philosophy, and not that of disinterest. After discussing this issue of indecisiveness, my fiance pointed out that she believes my work heavily affects my personality, and that her indecisiveness is more or less a societal norm. One of the differences in our careers is that I regularly must make what I call an “executive decision”, whereby I must immediate choose either options A or B, and am unable to change my decision once made. My fiance rarely, if ever comes across such a situation in her career.

While your fiancé is probably right that her “laissez-faire philosophy” is a social norm, she’s wrong that your line of work is influencing your desire for, if not a decision from her, at least an opinion. After several weeks of “thinking” about something she should at least have some thoughts she can share. I’m speaking as a twice married, now widowed person who has lived many years as a single mother. Making decisions on your own is hard, especially when they’re big ones like where to live, how to raise the children, how to spend your money. You are both partners in this relationship and it’s hugely unfair of her to leave all the decision making up to you. You may need counselling of some kind as a couple to help her get over her indecisiveness. It may not matter in the small stuff, but when it comes to big decisions you’ll want her (name removed by moderator)ut and she won’t have the skills to do it.

 

[agnes_therese]

Chronic indecisiveness is not a positive personality trait. OP’s fiancée has probably other personality flaws in the shape of anxiety, inconstant self-esteem, excessive desire to please and be non-confrontational. You sound like a well-trained athlete who gets up early to train and eat with his athletic goals in sight stuck with a slightly obese woman who sleeps in and gives in to her every food urge because “she can’t help it”. She is simply weak-willed, never want to commit for fear she will choose poorly: she will leave all life’s major decisions up to you (homeschooling/private school/Catholic school 50 miles away etc.) and will never be accountable if the result is not as desirable as expected. I suffer from aboulomania (didn’t even know that term) myself, but I’m the first to recognize that I have a severely suboptimal personality, I’m basically always afraid to choose poorly and be slapped in the face with the brutal realization that I am as dumb and incapable as I suspected. She is weak, you are strong and driven, do you see yourself being happy with someone as drastically different from you as her for the rest of your life? I would bet my bottom dollar she is also passive-aggressive, in keeping with her weak personality.

OP, how is her relationship with her parents? I ask because my mother was always extremely critical of me while I was a child (and after), which left me with many of your fiancé’s personality traits. It has taken a lot of work and insight to begin overcoming them. It’s not a case of “weak personality,” (thanks for the slap in the face, Robertanthony) --it’s having learned to avoid confrontation as a way to escape more emotional/psychological abuse. Not a mental disorder, just a conditioned response.

You two can be happy together. My husband being more like you has been part of my “recovery,” and learning to stand up for myself. And yes, even make decisions that turn out to have been wrong. Just like everyone else does sometimes.

 

[noclevername]

I remember someone I know who tells this story: Her friend’s mother used to come to her family and say, “What do you want for dinner, chicken or beef?” They learned not to say, “We don’t care” or “You decide”, because she would say “I don’t have any ‘we don’t care’” (or “I don’t have any ‘you decide’”) “I have chicken or beef. If I wanted to get stuck deciding again, I wouldn’t have asked you. I’m tired of deciding, so I’m asking you again: Chicken or beef?”

You need to tell your fiancé that deciding is work, and you don’t want to get stuck with it all of the time. You also do not want her to always have the pleasure of giving way…and it is a pleasure to give way to someone you love!

That’s so funny because I do that. But I’m usually out of “I don’t know”.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

This could be a huge problem when it comes to big things in life. What if you need to decide whether to move to another city? What about raising children? These kind of things. Perhaps she would be happy for you to decide on such things and would support your decisions. But would you be happy with such an arrangement, to always be the one who makes all the decisions?

I believe that in most relationships it is one person who has the last say. Or the wife has a final say in certain areas, while her husband in others. Every couple needs to find this balance and find a way of dealing with decision making. This is something you should figure out before you get married.

 

[RoseMary131]

When one person in the relationship has to make all the decisions because the other person does not - there can become very big relationship /communication issues.

After time, the person making the decisions may begin to feel they are the “parent” to the “child” who does not make decisions for themselves.

*Boundaries: When to Say YES- When to Say NO -To Take Control of Your Life *, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explains issues in which some people have a problem with boundaries.

One might easily recognize the person who commits to everything. When anyone asks if they can help, they always do - even if they are already over booked with too many obligations.

A harder boundary issue to notice can be the person who have a boundary conflict issues called compliance or avoidance.

From the above book:

“Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone… Complaints, for examples, pretend to like the same restaurants and movies their friend so “just to get along.” They minimize their differences with others so as not to rock the boat. Complaints are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.”

The authors explain this behavior can be fear: of hurting others’ feelings, of abandonment, of someone’s anger, of punishment, of being shamed, of being seen as bad or selfish, of one’s overstrict, critical conscience.

Another boundary issue is Avoidants: “the inability to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in Avoidants withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others.”

Maybe this book or this book on CD would be helpful for the two of you. They both may be available at your local library.

 

[Patavium]

Could it be aboulomania?

Or maybe she needs to start discovering herself more and know what she wants and what she likes.

Or maybe she is just neutral.

Why don’t you, as a couple (meaning together), do these four steps of life-giving decision-making taught by the Engaged Encounter program (at least in Asia).

1. Pray - to open you two to God’s will.
2. Discern - gather info, consult others for advice, mutual discussion, consider consequences.
3. Mutual Responsibility - both accept responsibility for the success or failure that could result.
4. Re-evaluation - As changes occur, re-think and re-work your original decision.

Use that process for small and big situations.

It should be always you two working together as couple for each other and for the glory of God.

My :twocents: , Sometimes my husband to be pops questions that I take my time thinking and take things into consideration inside my head and sometimes I go and imagine (meaning all this time, since he popped the question, I turn mute) and he is there sitting expecting my flash reply. And after two seconds, literally, he goes like “Did you listen?” or “why don’t you answer?”. It is funny now that I look back at it. But it isn’t when it is happening, sometimes he gets frustrated, and his patience being tested.

If it’s of any consolation, for us, eating out is an issue, because I’m a vegetarian and he is not. So I say “let’s go wherever you want to go to eat and from there I choose what I can eat.” And what gets me is that he is neutral. He doesn’t crave for anything in particular. And he doesn’t decide because he is not actually looking for what he would like to eat, but he is looking for what I can eat, lol. (I wasn’t aware of this until now that I’m sitting remembering and writing you this post). Contrary to him, I do have some cravings for food I can eat, but the problem is that I feel sorry for him, “he could be eating something more delicious if it wasn’t for me.” And so I believe it is always better to eat home-made food.

I’m sorry, I don’t know why your wife to be is like this, but I pray it goes well, keep praying and help each other to be holy!

By the way, I encourage you both to sign up for Engaged Encounter (the whole weekend, stay-in weekend). Blessings on your upcoming marriage!

God bless,
Elizabeth

THIS!

… and also, not only home- made food (I love your cooking ), but also buying food to take out from two different places, so both are happy

 

[Ridgerunner]

I don’t know you or your fiance. I assume you have been through psych/personality testing in connection with pre-Cana conferences and there’s nothing glaringly wrong.

All I can do is say what little I know from my own experience.

Some people are born leaders and some are put into that role by circumstance and learn to work with it. Some people aren’t leader types. Some leader types can be overbearing to the point of near-insufferability.

But everybody has, or forms, opinions, even if it’s that it’s rude and presumptious to express opinions.

There could be any number of reasons why your fiancee seems indecisive. Possibly she is a passive sort of person by habit or inclination. That’s not all bad. Possibly she perceives you as being intolerant of contrary opinions even when you’re soliciting hers. Possibly she simply doesn’t have the same sense of importance attached to some things as you do.

In “spouse hunting”, I did leave some passive women, though they can certainly be endearing. My wife, I perceived, is very opinionated and forceful in in them, and I liked that. We fought each other before we even knew each others’ names. (long story) But as opinionated as she is, it’s only about certain things. In some other things, she is totally deferential to my point of view; sometimes to the point of frustration on my part. For one small example, if I pose anything remotely resembling a financial decision to her, her eyes glaze over…unless it has to do with certain things. Then she’s strongly opinionated, sometimes more than I am. She is very exacting in the food we eat. I would eat anything if i’m hungry enough. She sometimes asks me what I would like for a particular meal, or what food items to buy. I am sure my indifference is frustrating to her, but the truth is, any choice expressed on my part is totally random and unengaged. I can’t be different about that because I truly don’t care.

Fact is, her sense of what an important decision is, and my sense of it, are not the same, and will never be the same, though there are some things we both consider important and some neither considers important.

We have been successfully married for decades now. Adjusting to another person is never really easy. But personally, I have my doubts that your fiancee really has no opinions or positions about anything. There are buttons there, you just haven’t found them yet, would be my guess.