My fiance is indecisive about almost everything

[thewanderer]

Chronic indecisiveness is not a positive personality trait. OP’s fiancée has probably other personality flaws in the shape of anxiety, inconstant self-esteem, excessive desire to please and be non-confrontational. You sound like a well-trained athlete who gets up early to train and eat with his athletic goals in sight stuck with a slightly obese woman who sleeps in and gives in to her every food urge because “she can’t help it”. She is simply weak-willed, never want to commit for fear she will choose poorly: she will leave all life’s major decisions up to you (homeschooling/private school/Catholic school 50 miles away etc.) and will never be accountable if the result is not as desirable as expected. I suffer from aboulomania (didn’t even know that term) myself, but I’m the first to recognize that I have a severely suboptimal personality, I’m basically always afraid to choose poorly and be slapped in the face with the brutal realization that I am as dumb and incapable as I suspected. She is weak, you are strong and driven, do you see yourself being happy with someone as drastically different from you as her for the rest of your life? I would bet my bottom dollar she is also passive-aggressive, in keeping with her weak personality.

Wow, so much in here is so off the mark its unbelievable. I am an indecisive person, just like the OP. I am not an anxiety ridden self-loathing basket case. I do tend to be a peace keeper and have a desire to please others, but you could hardly call it excessive, and trust me, your’e not going to find anyone who believes I lack self-confidence. My indecisiveness does not come from a fear of choosing poorly. There are plenty of things I a quite decisive about (especially when it comes to intellectual matters). But also a lot that I am indecisive about, and it has nothing to do with being caught up in a terrifying fear that I will choose the wrong thing, I just have no real reason to choosse one over the other, so, if someone else is involved in the decision I want them to choose whatever they want because I think its only polite, I don’t want to act selfishly by making them lose out on something when I gain no benefit. Now, thats not to deny that some people who are indecisive are as you describe, but your claim that if anyone is indecisive they must fit into your above description is just false. I’m sorry, but I am definitely indecisive, me and my friends joke about my indecisiveness, but I am nothing like the image you painted above and there is a very real possibility that the OP’s fiance is like me rather than this picture so perhaps we shouldn’t jump to conclusions too quickly.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m a married man and most people would say that I’m indecisive.

In my own case, there are reasons for my being the way I am. (anxiety, ADD, etc.)

However, I am a s-l-o-w decision maker. In other words, I *do *make decisions, and most of the time I don’t change my mind. And I’m getting better with practice, but it takes a lot of conscious effort.

Maybe your fiancee needs more time to sort things out when she’s presented with options. Maybe her brain is busy with other thoughts and instead of switch gears, it’s easier for her to push the decision away.

Indecisiveness can become habitual. It is a habit that can be broken, though. Maybe you need to steer her toward making decisions. Little ultimatums, like “You decide where we’re going for dinner on Saturday night. If you don’t decide by Thursday, I’m not going anywhere.” Just harmless ultimatums.

One technique I’ve heard of is to flip a coin. Literally, flip a coin. No matter what comes up, heads or tails, you **have **to follow the coin. Supposedly that helps people learn to make decisions.

 

[thewanderer]

I’m a married man and most people would say that I’m indecisive.

In my own case, there are reasons for my being the way I am. (anxiety, ADD, etc.)

However, I am a s-l-o-w decision maker. In other words, I *do *make decisions, and most of the time I don’t change my mind. And I’m getting better with practice, but it takes a lot of conscious effort.

Maybe your fiancee needs more time to sort things out when she’s presented with options. Maybe her brain is busy with other thoughts and instead of switch gears, it’s easier for her to push the decision away.

Indecisiveness can become habitual. It is a habit that can be broken, though. Maybe you need to steer her toward making decisions. Little ultimatums, like “You decide where we’re going for dinner on Saturday night. If you don’t decide by Thursday, I’m not going anywhere.” Just harmless ultimatums.

**One technique I’ve heard of is to flip a coin. Literally, flip a coin. No matter what comes up, heads or tails, you **have ****to follow the coin. Supposedly that helps people learn to make decisions.

heehee, I’ve definitely done that before, and sometimes you really don’t have a preference and just go with what the coin turns up whereas other times it helps you realize that you actually do have a slight preference, and so you choose the one you have a preference for.

 

[Ridgerunner]

One quick postscript to my prior post.

If one’s fiancee does not express clearly identifiable opinions, one can perhaps encourage her in decision making by acknowledging her choices before she makes them.

So, if the question is this parish or that one, and she so much as expresses a single positive thing about one of them, one could say: “I think you have a good point there, and I think that represents a compelling reason to go to that one.” If it’s a choice of restaurant, one might ask “How did you like the “X” at “Y”?” If she says she liked it, one could say “You know, that might be representative of everything they have there; things we haven’t tried. Thanks for the idea. How about if we go there again?”

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

This is a REAL problem.

This is not going to get better if you get married. In fact, I think it will only get worse.

And you cannot “help” her become more decisive (i.e. change her).

Frankly, this might be a deal breaker.

1ke, you’re going to need to start developing a list of non-deal breakers for us cause that list would probably be shorter at this point…

In all seriousness though, she’s just an indecisive, perhaps diplomatic (?) person. You’re the opposite. Sounds like it should work fine!

 

[Irishmom2]

THIS!

… and also, not only home- made food (I love your cooking ), but also buying food to take out from two different places, so both are happy

You two are still so cute!

 

[Irishmom2]

In all seriousness though, she’s just an indecisive, perhaps diplomatic (?) person. You’re the opposite. Sounds like it should work fine!

Might not. Just because she can’t/wont make a decision doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have an opinion on it, and it might not be the same as his.

I, too, see this as something that will cause problems down the road. The husband will be blamed if he makes the wrong decision, and she will say he was the one that decided.

 

[thewanderer]

Might not. Just because she can’t/wont make a decision doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have an opinion on it, and it might not be the same as his.

I, too, see this as something that will cause problems down the road. The husband will be blamed if he makes the wrong decision, and she will say he was the one that decided.

Again, that depends on what her personality actually is. If she’s like me, no, she actually won’t because she actually will be fine with his decision. If its something I actually have a strong opinion on I speak up, but there are just a ton of things I don’t have a strong opinion on, and that is when I show my indecisiveness. So again, it may or may not be a problem, depending on what the OP’s fiancee is actually like.

 

[Irishmom2]

She said she would need some time to think about it, and for the past two months, I’ve asked her every other week if she had made a decision. Each time we go over the same pros and cons, and then I ask about her preference; and each time she said she needed more time to decide. My future wife says that her indecisiveness is almost entirely due to an attitude of indifference and laissez-faire philosophy, and not that of disinterest. After discussing this issue of indecisiveness, my fiance pointed out that she believes my work heavily affects my personality, and that her indecisiveness is more or less a societal norm.

Again, that depends on what her personality actually is. If she’s like me, no, she actually won’t because she actually will be fine with his decision. If its something I actually have a strong opinion on I speak up, but there are just a ton of things I don’t have a strong opinion on, and that is when I show my indecisiveness. So again, it may or may not be a problem, depending on what the OP’s fiancee is actually like.

He has been waiting for 2 months for an answer. She doesn’t seem to have an opinion.

You, on the other hand will speak up if you have a strong opinion. If she does not really care, why not just say that it really doesn’t matter. Why become “indecisive” and unable to give an answer?

 

[thewanderer]

He has been waiting for 2 months for an answer. She doesn’t seem to have an opinion.

You, on the other hand will speak up if you have a strong opinion. If she does not really care, why not just say that it really doesn’t matter. Why become “indecisive” and unable to give an answer?

Whose to say that she doesn’t speak up when she has an opinion as well? Just that it doesn’t happen frequently. If I was supposed to decide which parish we should go to and really didn’t have a strong opinion, then, if my fiance kept bringing it up I would continue to refuse to give him a definitive answer, sure, I’d let him know that there were things about all of them that I liked, and that I thought he should be the one to make the decision instead and ask him for his opinion. It is also true that if this went on for long enough I would probably start bugging him about it until either he chose or made it very clear that this is one of those cases where he just wants me to make a decision because doesn’t want to be the one making a decision, in which case I would probably give in and suggest something, or suggest some other solution like going to two parishes and alternating or some such thing. But if I don’t have a strong preference being asked month after month to make a desicion about it isn’t going to make me have any stronger of a preference. Now, I admit, the OP’s fiancee might not be like me. But I’m just putting out this idea as a possibility. I had no idea people were so harsh towards indecisive people, claiming that indesiciveness is necessarily a sign of a disability, that it is a huge red flag and means you should not marry such a person etc. Yes, the OP might have a real problem on his hands, but without knowing more it really could be something small and easily worked with.

 

[qui_est_ce]

You two are still so cute!

Just checked their profiles. They rock!

 

[Father_of_10]

It is one thing to be indecisive about small matters.

It is entirely different for important matters. If you marry there will be innumerable matters that are important and if she cannot or will not decide with you then you are headed for the rocks. If she is indecisive now on matters that make a valid marriage, i.e. open to children, raising children Catholic, being faithful to you, being heterosexual, where will she be 5 years from now when she decides or changes her mind?

I guess it is up to you to discern, if she is committed to a Catholic life and her indecisions are just superfluous matters, i.e. the color of the refrigerator. If she isn’t, it is better to find this out now rather than later. If she is and you are very decisive, she may be your complement and may temper your decisions if you are head strong.

 

[1ke]

1ke, you’re going to need to start developing a list of non-deal breakers for us cause that list would probably be shorter at this point…

In all seriousness though, she’s just an indecisive, perhaps diplomatic (?) person. You’re the opposite. Sounds like it should work fine!

i did not say whether or not it was a deal breaker for me.

It might be a deal breaker for him.

Everyone’s deal breakers are their own. It is important not to discount them and make excuses for them or think that the other person will change. About 90% of the marital issues on this board describe a problem that the other person knew about before marriage and either thought it would change or thought they were being too picky or thought that they should not feel the way they did about the thing that bothered them. NOT a good idea to marry with big issues in the mix, but people do it every day.

 

[EasterJoy]

…After discussing this issue of indecisiveness, my fiance pointed out that she believes my work heavily affects my personality, and that her indecisiveness is more or less a societal norm. One of the differences in our careers is that I regularly must make what I call an “executive decision”, whereby I must immediate choose either options A or B, and am unable to change my decision once made. My fiance rarely, if ever comes across such a situation in her career.
My question is the following: when faced with the indecisiveness of another, how does one discriminate between viewing it as indifference or disinterest? Secondly, how have you been able to help your wife (or husband) to become less indecisive?

Actually, you probably do more decision-making to get to that final A vs B than you realize. She may even have been attracted to you because she admires how easily you decide what you want to do next. If she just looks around, though, she has to admit that we live in a society geared for people who want choices, and the more, the better. That doesn’t mean that the indecisive are rare, but they are not “the norm”.

As long as you work out a way to get feedback from her so that you can lead her to help you make joint decisions, this can work out. Don’t imply that you’re going to force her to decide. Rather, let her know that it takes work from both to make a joint decision.

We’ve established that she thinks decision making isn’t her job…wrong. After that, she may think she is too inexperienced. Fine…put training wheels on her decisions. The main thing is that you want feedback, right? You don’t want to make the decision all by yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to dump the entire process on her. Just narrowing it to A and B is getting her 95% of the way there.

I’d say that someone who doesn’t feel up to making decisions will be helped if you lead her through it. Do not say, “What shall we do for dinner tonight?” That’s an overwhelming choice for the indecisive. Instead, give her two alternatives, and ask only that she do the work of choosing between those two. Otherwise, give her a “yes” or “no” alternative, and ask her to choose one. You want to start with decisions where there really is no pressure.

Before you start, make very certain that she knows that when you ask her for a decision and you go along with it, the rule is that it is OUR DECISION. There are no "I told you so!"s allowed after a joint decision has been reached. The rest of the world may not be like that, but you two can choose to be like that. She does this all of the time–gives in without complaining, which is no small thing!!!–but it may be a total revelation for her that you would do it for her!

Try this: OK, we’ll play a game. I’ll give you two choices, and you either choose one of those or say, “I get to ask the question”. If she has to give you two alternatives instead of asking an open-ended question, you see, she’s already helping with the decision-making!

For instance: Not “Do you want to go out?” but rather “Would you like me to make tacos or would you like to go out?” She has to choose one of those two or else give you two choices until you bounce it back to her.
“OK, you’d like to go out…Would you rather have Asian food or Euro-food?”
“OK, Asian…Thai or not Thai?
OK, Vietnamese or not Vietnamese?
OK, not Vietnamese, that leaves Japanese or Chinese…Japanese or Chinese?
OK, Chinese…Golden Dragon or Bamboo Garden?
Great…Bamboo Garden it is.”

When it comes to choosing a parish, don’t ask her for a once-and-for-all decision. To begin with, verify with the pastor of your territorial parish which parishes are considered “your parish” by the bishop for the purposes of getting married or sacraments for your children. You may not have as many choices as you think. Then narrow those choices with her…gradually, such as by weeding one out at a time.

 

[chevalier]

Well, different personalities are different. In the OP’s example, I can be on either side. In my current job line, I basically make decisions all the time, usually very fast, usually optimal ones as I like to think. But give me a menu chart and I’m stuck. I end up developing schemes for which route I take first, which next and so on, usually clockwise and checking all the local detours and nuances before moving on to the next big alternative, unless I need to go top-down. But when it’s a visit to the Chinese bar, and I need to choose the one thing to eat right there and now (actually, 15 minuts of suspense but anyway), it’s a system halted kind of thing. I already begin to laugh when I’m somewhere with a woman and a server brings the menu charts. I know she’ll long have chosen before I’m done getting the initial overview of my options. (Though I’m pretty sure I could come up with a good way of sweeing the menu or conquering it, you know. I also know how to pick randomly with a straight face and give an appearance of what I’m doing, just to look alpha; I really get a kick out of that.)

Basically, you decide more easily if you care about the options, if you care about the decision (and you don’t care like that about somebody else’s problem that he insists you must decide about, like someone popping out of the blue with an Ipad or whatever you call the gadget), if the method aligns with your lines of thinking.

What works is reducing the expectation. If an approximate decision is okay, it’s easier to make the choice than if you need to make the optimal decision that will please everybody. Overaccountability is not a good thing. Perhaps the fiancée doesn’t want the accountability, and perhaps the choosing between the parishes is not her war, not the war she wants to be fighting in. And she might be too polite and indirect (passive? some’d certainly so) to opt out of it. I’m a bit less polite and indirect about such things sometimes, and I tell people to go away with such decisions. That usually convinces them I can be decisive. That, and the occasional moments I turn things upside down and hand out jobs above my pay grade. Again, I just need to care. Or just have an idea. It’s easier for you – the OP – because you actually care about 1) the decision itself, 2) the individual options. And you’re writing the rule book in your relationship anyway, from what I can tell. Less easy for your fiancée because she isn’t operating in her own optimal operating cirumstances (but possibly put in a frame she doesn’t want to be in but doesn’t know how to refuse).

Speaking of which, how does she manage when she’s left alone? Like study, work, family, shopping, getting stuff done?

Also, this is a bit like elections. You need to educate people about the choice itself and about the options. And about the importance of everything, and how it affects their lives. But you often need to do it without managing their lives for them, which is kinda difficult, as it takes a support role to play even though one’s got to carry the majority of the load or so it feels. Kinda like counsellors work.

 

[chevalier]

I am the indecisive woman in my relationship, and my fiance also is certainly bugged by it. At least for me it truly is a matter of no option particularly standing out as the best option and all options seeming good. That, on top of the fact that I like other people to be happy, so, if I don’t have a strong opinion on it I want to go with whatever the other person/persons want. ( I pretty much always refuse to take charge of the ipod in a car for this reason). I’m still far from perfect about this, but realizing how much my fiance wants to be able to give me things I want, and connecting the dots about how I feel about decisions with how he must feel about them too have really helped me make more of an effort to just make a decision even if I don’t have a strong preference. How to help her realize this… well, I’m not sure what the best way is, its not something my fiance explicitly pushed, although he did explicitly say it at least once, which helped get the ball rolling I guess. And, as I said, I’m nowhere near perfect in this matter, but, we’ve got our whole lives for me to improve (just as you have your whole life to learn patience through dealing with this fault of hers ) Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and the best of luck to you both.

Leadership is sometimes service and service is sometimes leadership. You want to defer but they want to defer to you. If you then still insist on deferring to them, you’re actually not deferring to them because their preference is to go with your decision. That probably gets you reading their mind to decide what they would decide.

… Which isn’t actually always what they would actually like.

When I have a girl (or a buddy) choose the restaurant or something, I’m actually genuinely curious what she’d (or he would) choose. That’s a learning experience. For them to try to please me then is not what I’m after. I’m after a taste of them in their own habitat. Predators evolve too, you know, gotta learn and adapt and all. Smart predators stay alive. Other-that-smart predators become shoes and purses.

Reminds me of that joke. There’s a preppeed up preeing she-gator meeting a girlfriend of hers, and the convo goes like this: ‘nice purse!’ ‘yeah, that’s my last ex.’

 

[rayne89]

My husband is the indecisive one, also likes things to be smooth, make people happy etc. Sometimes it helps if he can’t decide what he wants, I ask ok what do you not want? Like going out to eat -American, Chinese, Thai, Mexican etc. Whatever is left over I pick from. If its a major decision and he can’t offer an opinion I will preface it with if the decision I make ends up not to be good you can not come back and blame me for making the wrong decision. You can not use not making a decision as a way to lay the all responsibility on me if something negative happens. You are just as responsible as it was your choice that I make the decision alone.

If she truly has no preference about which parish and you do have a preference it seems logical to go with your preference.

If you give her an options, you rule out what she doesn’t want or if she has no preference go with your preference. Whenever she does have a preference on such a rare occasion go with it, even if you it is definitely not your preference. It could encourage her to feel more secure in stating her preference. I could not wait two months, I just don’t have the patience. What is going to happen in another month that would make any difference than the last two months have? As long as you give her options and she can’t decide than you decide. Eventually she will learn if she wants something she’s going to have to say so.

 

[Teresa1982]

Whenever I try to push her into making a decision, she feels like I am forcing her into a corner or am using intimidation to achieve my will. However I rarely push her into making a decision because of her feelings.

sorry, not much to help your fiance
let’s just hope after u guys being married, she won’t say things like, “you forced me into marriage, you made the decision for me.”

My fiance rarely, if ever comes across such a situation in her career.

of course, not everyone is in the decision making position of his/her career
but everyone is responsible of making his/her life’s choices.

 

[underacloud]

My future wife says that her indecisiveness is almost entirely due to an attitude of indifference and laissez-faire philosophy, and not that of disinterest. After discussing this issue of indecisiveness, my fiance pointed out that she believes my work heavily affects my personality, and that her indecisiveness is more or less a societal norm. One of the differences in our careers is that I regularly must make what I call an “executive decision”, whereby I must immediate choose either options A or B, and am unable to change my decision once made. My fiance rarely, if ever comes across such a situation in her career.
My question is the following: when faced with the indecisiveness of another, how does one discriminate between viewing it as indifference or disinterest? Secondly, how have you been able to help your wife (or husband) to become less indecisive?

I’m not sure you’re using the words “indifference” and “disinterest” in the correct manner? I don’t follow exactly what you mean.

Anyway, I’ll have a go at it…

Many couples naturally develop a decision-making approach whereby one spouse may be more decisive than the other (and this can swap depending on the *type *of decision). I think you’re just learning how this works within your own relationship and I don’t see it as a big issue at the moment.

What may naturally happen is that the more decisive person (you) begins to make decisions with less consultation as they become frustrated with the other’s indecisiveness. Equally the other person has become frustrated with the constant questions that they have no interest in answering, and welcomes the reprieve. So, it works well that the more decisive person takes the lead. But the more decisive person needs to allow a “veto” when appropriate. So instead of the stalemate brought about by saying “would you like chicken or beef for dinner?”, the person will say “I’m cooking chicken for dinner, unless you’d prefer beef”. If the second person does in fact have a preference, they get the opportunity to voice it, and if they don’t they’re not troubled by having to address it.

Important life decisions still require thought and detailed discussion, but the more decisive person can nonetheless apply a similar approach in leading down one path while allowing the other to continue to have (name removed by moderator)ut.

Or toss a coin, as other suggest. I have used this tactic before. If you pause briefly before actually tossing the coin, you can ask the other what they want to happen and thereby compell their choice. If they still genuinely don’t have a preference, toss away and run with the result.

 

[Robertanthony]

WOW, this is horribly judgmental. You don’t even know this woman. It sounds like you have a lot of self-loathing and are projecting it onto someone else.

Self-loathing, yes, I don’t think I’m projecting, though, I simply express an observation that when people are indecisive, a fear of choosing poorly/messing up is underlying. If you have a chronic fear of messing up, perhaps your self-esteem is not what it should be.

OP, how is her relationship with her parents? I ask because my mother was always extremely critical of me while I was a child (and after), which left me with many of your fiancé’s personality traits. It has taken a lot of work and insight to begin overcoming them. It’s not a case of “weak personality,” (thanks for the slap in the face, Robertanthony) --it’s having learned to avoid confrontation as a way to escape more emotional/psychological abuse. Not a mental disorder, just a conditioned response.

You two can be happy together. My husband being more like you has been part of my “recovery,” and learning to stand up for myself. And yes, even make decisions that turn out to have been wrong. Just like everyone else does sometimes.

Using “weak” was not smart, “passive” would have been more neutral and a better term, as Ridgerunner used. I know about coping strategies, my life is built around preserving my integrity. I’m sorry if what I said was received as a slap in your face, I vented in my post and went too far.