My FIL is a bigot!

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My FIL is a bigot even though he denies it. I am hispanic and ever since I have married his son and known him, he has made some racial comments against blacks and Mexicans. I am Puerto Rican. He has not said anything so far of us, at least not to my face. He has sent emails after emails about jokes agains hispanics and blacks that he thinks are funny, but that I think are in poor taste. I just keep ignoring them. He has three sons and the only sons that is on speaking terms with him is my husband for he puts up with him. His other two sons have hung up on him when they talk to him on the phone for he can be a real jerk. He seems to like me, but he doesn’t talk to me much. He doesn’t ask to speak to his granddaughter, our dd, much on the phone. He lives up north. Anyway, today I get another email that I did not like. I opened it for it had Fox News in the subject line and thought it had to do with news. Here is the email:

**Fox News bows to the pressure of Obama’s complaint
Code: 
                    In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX
                    News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people
                    on their network, FOX has announced that they will
                    now air "America's Most Wanted" TWICE a week!**
As a hispanic, I was offended by it for not all criminals are hispanic or blacks. I was angered by it at first and wanted to email him back, but people like that just don’t change. My dh said he would say something, but I told not to bother for he has was raised that way and will die that way. My dh’s uncle is even worse. The very first time I ever met him, I heard him referring to blacks as “monkeys” and I was applauded. It made me sad that there were people who still thought like this today.

Since I was going to leave this alone and not mention it to my FIL, I had to vent. I chose you good people. I knew you would understand. Please pray for the conversion of my FIL. His name is George. Thanks for listening! It does hurt that people, especially my FIL thinks this way knowing his son married a hispanic and his granddaughter is half hispanic.😦
 
People, like your fil, do these things because of their own insecurity. It makes them feel superior to others. You can’t do anything about him, but you can feel sorry for him and pray for him, which you are already doing. Loving the unlovable is one of the hardest things we are called to do as followers of Christ, isn’t it? I guess I don’t really have any wisdom to share, except to sympathize with you and hope that one day things will change. And if they don’t that you will be able to live happily in spite of such behavior from someone who ought to be reaching out to you in love. You have my prayers. :console::gopray2:
 
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. It really is just plain wrong. But Della is right, there really is nothing you can do to make him change, just hope and pray that God opens his eyes and he becomes a more peaceful person.
Best of luck to you.
 
Wow. How’d he get your email address? That’s pretty irritating! :mad:

Does he send you other joke emails, or just these racial ones?
 
Wow, I am sorry you have to deal with that, it is humbling when you have to adjust to the new family and their jerky ideals. You think that is bad, my hometown parish has turned very ethnic in a eastern European culture, and somehow found it very enlightening to tell a Fat Joke about a wives at Easter mass. I haven’t the energy to keep reporting these occurences.

Your DH may need to have a heart to heart with this man, people only age, chances are good that if you are the only ones talking to him, then your DH may have to make the decision of whether he can take care of him in the future or hand him over to a nursing home. There is a graphic movie called Monster’s Ball, the aging father played by Peter Boyle sounds just like your FIL, and was sent to a NH in result to his voiced disdain and derogatory remarks of his son’s choice of gf. This is why when some aging parents cannot change, the “sandwich generation” children can’t deal with their behavior, and must resort to a NH to balance everything.

Like people are saying, even if DH spoke to him, some people in their older ages cannot reverse their behaviors, and honestly think they do no harm or wrong, that they are not hypocrites, and are the model example of “good christians.” He sounds like he is on a power trip, like he is superior over others. A jerk. I get that vibe a lot from ultra conservatives, it is like racsicm in disguise. I am going to dodge politics for now.

Yeah, getting it all out is good for you to do on here, it’s cathartic, you are quite upset because who knows what he says about you when you are not there, probably the same pessimistic things he says about the other siblings who will not talk to him. Just have a limit as to the time you HAVE TO see him, and if he is around to much, make it a point to run errands or take up a hobby elsewhere, being subjected to him around too much could get bad, you can only type up your concerns on here so much.

I have a friend who has issues with her father and they have recently become a burden, for two years she tried to care for him, but some of the same ole, same ole behaviors wouldn’t stop even though he could physically and mentally change them, but would not for pride, and she had been threatening the NH for several months, to which he smirked it off because he thought she would never do it, until he reached the limit, and now that is where he resides.

I digress, but it really can go off in more tangents, in a nutshell, just keep your visible/audible view of him out of sight for as long as possible, have your DH deal with him. Good Luck with everything, here to wishing and praying for your peace and patience throughout all of this, Lord knows that is what I would need. I despise mean people!

-Hope
 
I would send them back to him with the tag line “Look what I got from a big bigot!”

ok - so you can’t do that…well, my dad was a bigot and I am just very lucky he never got on the internet or there would have been no END to this kind of stuff…

you are in my prayers, my sister…hang in there.
 
nana, first of all, I truly feel for you in this situation.

May I ask, where is your DH in all this? It seems he should have stepped up, defended you and put and end to this long ago, along the lines of

“dad, if you continue to make racist and bigoted remarks around my family I will be forced to keep them away from your for their own protection. I will not have you treating my wife that way and I will not expose my daughter to this diseased way of thinking about people. Please stop NOW.”

This to me is not about loving the unlovable, it’s about setting boundaries to protect your family. You can love and pray for him from a distance you’re not obligated to be the butt of someone’s jokes.

Could you husband have a talk with him? OR has he already and dad won’t listen? If it was my dad he’d get one, maybe two warnings, then I’d have to keep my family away from him unless he apologized and vowed to leave the racist attitude aside. In fact, i have had to do this because of my dad’s passive aggressive digs against Catholics that he made in front of my kids. It took one stern warning then he ‘got it’.

Just my:twocents:
 
It must be hard to live with sometimes, Nana.

I ask the Lord to help you any time it happens to you…and that your father-in-law improves in this regard.
I guess his prejudice provides opportunity for you, and us, to pray for everyone who is caused stress and hurt by anyone’s prejudice against any person or any group of people. You know how they feel, but you, and we, have the gift of grace to be able to pray for others. So I guess the Lord wants us to pray for those who are sinned against by any kind of prejudice, each time we experience prejudice or see it in action.

:grouphug:I Trishie
 
shannyk said:
nana, first of all, I truly feel for you in this situation.

May I ask, where is your DH in all this? It seems he should have stepped up, defended you and put and end to this long ago, along the lines of

“dad, if you continue to make racist and bigoted remarks around my family I will be forced to keep them away from your for their own protection. I will not have you treating my wife that way and I will not expose my daughter to this diseased way of thinking about people. Please stop NOW.”

This to me is not about loving the unlovable, it’s about setting boundaries to protect your family. You can love and pray for him from a distance you’re not obligated to be the butt of someone’s jokes.

Could you husband have a talk with him? OR has he already and dad won’t listen? If it was my dad he’d get one, maybe two warnings, then I’d have to keep my family away from him unless he apologized and vowed to leave the racist attitude aside. In fact, i have had to do this because of my dad’s passive aggressive digs against Catholics that he made in front of my kids. It took one stern warning then he ‘got it’.

Just my:twocents:
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Yes, my dh has interceded once for me when his dad sent an email that was so offensive to me that I cried. I am not Mexican, but it was against them. They are hispanic and I took offense as well being hispanic. It got so out of hand that I had his other two brothers call me and tell me that their dad is not a bigot, but they shared their dad’s views too. I was just disappointed. My dh husband is the only one who practices his Catholic Faith and his brothers are of no religion and so is his dad. He said it is like talking to the wall. He did want to address this issue with his dad, but I did not want to alienate his dad from him for his dad is not talking to his other two sons, I can see why. He offends people. He only talks to my dh. He really doesn’t talk to me much since that whole Mexican email thing. WE thought that would be the end of those kind of emails but than we got this one. Maybe, I should address this email. I don’t know. I do know that he recently married a Christian woman and he sent out an email to all his three sons, not apologizing, but asking them to bury the anger they all have. He was mostly speaking to the other two and not my dh. So I know his wife has a good influence on him. I don’t know if she shares his views on hispanics and blacks. 🤷

So you think I should allow my dh to address this again with his dad?
 
nana3 said:
Yes, my dh has interceded once for me when his dad sent an email that was so offensive to me that I cried. I am not Mexican, but it was against them. They are hispanic and I took offense as well being hispanic. It got so out of hand that I had his other two brothers call me and tell me that their dad is not a bigot, but they shared their dad’s views too. I was just disappointed. My dh husband is the only one who practices his Catholic Faith and his brothers are of no religion and so is his dad. He said it is like talking to the wall. He did want to address this issue with his dad, but I did not want to alienate his dad from him for his dad is not talking to his other two sons, I can see why. He offends people. He only talks to my dh. He really doesn’t talk to me much since that whole Mexican email thing. WE thought that would be the end of those kind of emails but than we got this one. Maybe, I should address this email. I don’t know. I do know that he recently married a Christian woman and he sent out an email to all his three sons, not apologizing, but asking them to bury the anger they all have. He was mostly speaking to the other two and not my dh. So I know his wife has a good influence on him. I don’t know if she shares his views on hispanics and blacks. 🤷

So you think I should allow my dh to address this again with his dad?
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For SannyK: Loving the unlovable doesn’t exclude taking actions to protect one’s family. I think we should try to avoid false dichotomies if possible. 🙂 Of course one can and should do this, even at the risk of alienating a family member. After all, it’s the fil that is behaving badly here not nana and her dh. Apparently, the fil needs to be told this again and again until he “gets it.” For the sake of his family, I think the husband ought to keep on trying and not let his dad get away with this.

nana: Is there any possibility your dh could enlist the help of the new wife in correcting his dad’s behavior (even if she can’t correct his attitude)? People can control their behavior even if they are bigots. Being bigoted does not excuse one from behaving properly. And sending racists “jokes” to one’s family is most certainly NOT proper behavior for anyone.
 
Della said:
nana: Is there any possibility your dh could enlist the help of the new wife in correcting his dad’s behavior (even if she can’t correct his attitude)? People can control their behavior even if they are bigots. Being bigoted does not excuse one from behaving properly. And sending racists “jokes” to one’s family is most certainly NOT proper behavior for anyone.
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My dh can try to talk to his dad’s wife. I guess he can do that first and see what happens.
 
awwww. Thats rough. :o I’m sorry.

Maybe you should get a new email adress and not give it to him.
 
nana3 said:
My dh can try to talk to his dad’s wife. I guess he can do that first and see what happens.
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nana I don’t think you have to convince your FIL that he’s wrong about his bigoted views, I think he just needs to be told that when he’s around you and your family he can’t carry on like that, make jokes, or send racial jokes to you.

I think your DH can just tell him look dad, I don’t want you doing that around my family. You probably can’t convince the man his views are wrong but it’s more about setting boundaries than anything…

If these things hurt you, and you don’t want them around your daughter who is so impressionable, he has to stop plain and simple. If he won’t stop then more drastic measures might have to be taken.

Will he listen to your DH if he says no more dad?
For SannyK: Loving the unlovable doesn’t exclude taking actions to protect one’s family. I think we should try to avoid false dichotomies if possible. Of course one can and should do this, even at the risk of alienating a family member. After all, it’s the fil that is behaving badly here not nana and her dh. Apparently, the fil needs to be told this again and again until he “gets it.” For the sake of his family, I think the husband ought to keep on trying and not let his dad get away with this.
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I agree! 🙂 and that was what I was trying to say, I guess I didn’t express myself clearly.
 
You know what makes me really sad is that my dh started out by saying that the email is just a joke, in poor taste, but a joke. I asked him if he thought it was okay and he said no, but he said he had to be careful how he words things with his dad. In other words, he is afraid of his dad. He started out writing an email to his dad and I asked to read it. He danced around the whole issue and really didn’t even talk about it. I wrote some of what I thought should be included in it and he, my dh, told me that I could not use the word “racist” in it. I said, “Why not?” The joke was racist after all. He didn’t like it the email and I got upset and told him to forget it. I deleted or canceled the email. He really didn’t want to send it to his dad or even address with his dad. He is still afraid of his dad.

I might address myself. I am still praying about it.
 
Dear “nana”. I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt. :hug1:

In my own experience, any “bigots” I’ve ever encountered have also been bullies. I am part Native American (among other things). I’ve never been bullied… due to my ethnic background; so, I don’t know exactly how that feels. 😦 But I HAVE been bullied… due to being Catholic. One poster above, hit the nail right on the head. They do it… to feel better about themselves. People like this… should be pitied and prayed for. It is sheer ignorance.

It is obvious that you are a sensitive and loving person… and neither you or your husband should be placed in this position… of having to “have it out with Dad”. You might want to change your email, for starters.

And do keep “Dad” in your prayers. I will pray for his conversion, too. God bless you, hon.

MV 🙂
 
I am very sorry you are experiencing this. But I know where you are coming from.

My mother is Mexican-American. My dad (her ex husband) used to joke that his next wife would be a “white woman” and always made jokes about Latin people. I grew up in very white rural Wisconsin. We always experienced some sort of bigatry or down right racism as my mom and my family lived there through out the years.

It used to make me hide from what my heritage is. It wasn not until I after college that I moved to Chicago and realized what it was like to be Hispanic (Latino). I am so proud of it now. I never hide from it.

With my children now I teach them to be tolerant all people different from them. And those at my parish express their hatred towards immigrants, Spanish speaking people, the poor, etc… I keep my children away from them.

Continue to be proud of who you are!
 
Thank you to you all. You are so supportive and understanding. I appreciate more than you can imagine. As it turns out, as I was writing you in my thread here, my dh was walking in from being out, he was coming in from going to Confession, and was talking to his dad. He got off the phone and told me and he it was not a pleasant conversation with his dad. He told me that I was right yesterday that he does “dance” around issues with his dad out of fear and he told that to his dad, but he was straight forward to his dad and told him that the so call joke was a racist joke in poor taste and that it offended both of us. His dad said he didn’t think that it was a racist joke, but than he did not apologize either. He still thought it was funny. My dh just told him not to send any more jokes like that to us.

You are all right, we can’t change him. All we can do is pray for him and hope that the Lord will touch his heart and change it before he should die.

May God bless you all for your words of love, encouragement and advice. I love you all even though I have never met you for you are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I will keep you all in prayer as well for your kindness. I will say that I am proud of my dh for at least staying by my side and calling his dad and talking to him for I know that was very difficult for him. He feels so inferior to his dad. His dad abused him verbally and physically as a child and sometimes my dh forgets he is an adult and doesn’t have to put up with verbal abuse anymore. I was proud of him and love him for doing that at least.

Thanks again and God Bless you all!👍
 
nana3 said:
Thank you to you all. You are so supportive and understanding. I appreciate more than you can imagine. As it turns out, as I was writing you in my thread here, my dh was walking in from being out, he was coming in from going to Confession, and was talking to his dad. He got off the phone and told me and he it was not a pleasant conversation with his dad. He told me that I was right yesterday that he does “dance” around issues with his dad out of fear and he told that to his dad, but he was straight forward to his dad and told him that the so call joke was a racist joke in poor taste and that it offended both of us. His dad said he didn’t think that it was a racist joke, but than he did not apologize either. He still thought it was funny. My dh just told him not to send any more jokes like that to us.

You are all right, we can’t change him. All we can do is pray for him and hope that the Lord will touch his heart and change it before he should die.

May God bless you all for your words of love, encouragement and advice. I love you all even though I have never met you for you are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I will keep you all in prayer as well for your kindness. I will say that I am proud of my dh for at least staying by my side and calling his dad and talking to him for I know that was very difficult for him. He feels so inferior to his dad. His dad abused him verbally and physically as a child and sometimes my dh forgets he is an adult and doesn’t have to put up with verbal abuse anymore. I was proud of him and love him for doing that at least.

Thanks again and God Bless you all!👍
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It’s good to hear your dh talked to his dad and put his foot down. I wasn’t surprised to read he had been abused by his dad. It lines right up with how both are reacting to the situation. I’d bet the farm that your fil was an abused child, too. Many abusers were and if they don’t deal with it they turn their anger into abuse and try to make up for it with bravado. You dh is still suffering from the abuse he went through but he hasn’t allowed it to make him an abuser or thoughtless and cruel–kudos to him for that! Still, it wouldn’t hurt your dh to get some counseling so he’ll be able to move on and no longer feel like a little abused kid around his dad. Anyway, I’m glad to hear how things went, but of course the story isn’t ended. You could be in for some rough times if his dad decides to take it badly and become resentful–I hope he doesn’t and that it is the first step towards his healing and a better life for everyone in your family. You have my prayers.
 
Sadly I see alot of bigotry towards Hispanic these days. If I speak Spanish to a neighbor or mine in town I get alot of nasty looks.

However if I speak German (I speak both) then it is "“OHHHHH you speak German how nice” . Very strange.

Hispanic community has and continues to contribute to American society since it’s beginning.
 
josephdavid said:
Sadly I see alot of bigotry towards Hispanic these days. If I speak Spanish to a neighbor or mine in town I get alot of nasty looks.

However if I speak German (I speak both) then it is "“OHHHHH you speak German how nice” . Very strange.

Hispanic community has and continues to contribute to American society since it’s beginning.
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Absolutely! If it hadn’t been for spanish Franciscans… California might never have been evangelized! Ignore those who give you nasty looks for speaking spanish, “JD”; believe it or not, there was a time, when German speaking people also would have gotten nasty looks (after WWII). Again, it’s just sheer ignorance. Pray for them, dear ones.

God bless.
 
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