My friend is becoming a little too much for me?

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samanthabird

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Firstly, I apologize if this is in the wrong board.

Anyhow, ever since my best friend graduated college (class of 2013) she has become really religious. Going to adoration and mass daily, reading scripture, going to conferences, etc. This is GREAT, I am SO happy for her. I really admire her, almost in a bad way because she makes me feel bad that I don’t do as much as she does… but that’s a whole another topic.

Now it’s getting to the point where it’s a little much for me. Please put me in my place if I’m wrong, but she prays about EVERYTHING. I know prayer is important, but even when to text someone? She wanted an answer from someone and she said she would pray to God for Him to tell her when was the right time to ask. I didn’t realize there was a perfect timing to ask a question that you wanted to know the answer to.

Maybe I’m just not a very good Catholic, but it’s becoming too much for me. All she talks about is how her conference went, what she’s been doing in the church, all the prayers she’s been doing. I’m always happy to listen, and it’s great motivation for me to do more, but we never talk about just LIFE anymore. She asked me how my job was going (not well, another story) and I feel like it’s just so she can tell me to pray about it. It’s starting to drive me crazy, but I don’t want to say anything, nor do I want to feel this way because I feel like I’m in the wrong.

Help?
 
samanthabird said:
Firstly, I apologize if this is in the wrong board.

Anyhow, ever since my best friend graduated college (class of 2013) she has become really religious. Going to adoration and mass daily, reading scripture, going to conferences, etc. This is GREAT, I am SO happy for her. I really admire her, almost in a bad way because she makes me feel bad that I don’t do as much as she does… but that’s a whole another topic.

Now it’s getting to the point where it’s a little much for me. Please put me in my place if I’m wrong, but she prays about EVERYTHING. I know prayer is important, but even when to text someone? She wanted an answer from someone and she said she would pray to God for Him to tell her when was the right time to ask. I didn’t realize there was a perfect timing to ask a question that you wanted to know the answer to.

Maybe I’m just not a very good Catholic, but it’s becoming too much for me. All she talks about is how her conference went, what she’s been doing in the church, all the prayers she’s been doing. I’m always happy to listen, and it’s great motivation for me to do more, but we never talk about just LIFE anymore. She asked me how my job was going (not well, another story) and I feel like it’s just so she can tell me to pray about it. It’s starting to drive me crazy, but I don’t want to say anything, nor do I want to feel this way because I feel like I’m in the wrong.

Help?
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There are time when I wish I had prayed before making phone calls to ex girlfriends. Don’t worry too much about it. I think she is being a good example, and trying to live a Holy faith.
 
adamhovey1988 said:
There are time when I wish I had prayed before making phone calls to ex girlfriends. Don’t worry too much about it. I think she is being a good example, and trying to live a Holy faith.
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I agree, especially if you’re going to have an important conversation. This was regarding asking if someone met with someone they said they were going to meet with. I also do think she is being a good example, but I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore. Literally all we talk about is the problem going on in her life (which has been going on for a long time but she is just now telling me), all the prayers and novenas she’s been doing, the conferences she’s going to, when she is going to mass or adoration, and… that’s about it. I guess I wouldn’t mind so much if we talked about other things, but there isn’t anything else.
 
samanthabird said:
I agree, especially if you’re going to have an important conversation. This was regarding asking if someone met with someone they said they were going to meet with. I also do think she is being a good example, but I feel like I can’t talk to her anymore. Literally all we talk about is the problem going on in her life (which has been going on for a long time but she is just now telling me), all the prayers and novenas she’s been doing, the conferences she’s going to, when she is going to mass or adoration, and… that’s about it. I guess I wouldn’t mind so much if we talked about other things, but there isn’t anything else.
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Sounds like she has some issue(s) she is sublimating into “spirituality”. It rarely works. In time her enthusiasm will probably cease–when doing all she’s doing doesn’t solve the real underlying issue(s) she has. She needs a counselor or spiritual director. You may want to suggest this to her. If she balks at seeing a counselor, she may like the idea of seeing a spiritual director more. A good SD will direct her to care providers who can help her with whatever is actually driving her need to be so scrupulously religious. I will remember her as one of my Evening Prayer intentions. 🙂
 
Your friends do not get carte blanche to monopolize your conversations with one topic. That doesn’t change when the topic is her spiritual life or the Catholic faith.

You can also give her honest feedback. For instance, you might point out that if she prays to God for the perfect time to send a text with the intention of getting the answer she wants, God’s answer might be that she needs to quit trying to get God’s help to control the outcome of everything she does. Maybe she ought to pray for the serenity to accept the answer she’s going to get, instead.

Our Lord was very clear, BTW, that more prayer is not necessarily better prayer. He certainly did not advocate for telling the rest of the world all the details of your prayer life:
*"When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, who love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on street corners so that others may see them. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.

"In praying, do not babble like the pagans, who think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them. Your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

“This is how you are to pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name…” *Matt. 6:5-9

If you look at the words of the Our Father, of how Our Lord taught us to pray, it is all about putting the Father’s will first and conforming ourselves to it, learning to live in gratitude and mercy, and fleeing sin. It is not about figuring out how to get the Father to be our personal fairy godmother. That is a temptation we ought to avoid.
 
You are not wrong. Every one of us is on our own personal journey with Our Lord. What might help you to see this situation from a broader perspective is a book that is used in training Catechists who work with young adults called “Stages of Faith.” This goes over the way a human person grows psychologically in their faith journey. It can help you to see that your friend is “OK” and you too are “OK.” She has something she is working through and she is finding meaning in her spiritual practices. You do not have to find meaning in her spiritual practices. You have to have your own way of connecting with God and be confident in how you experience the presence of God working in your life. She is fortunate to have such a patient friend.

amazon.com/Stages-Faith-Psychology-Development-Meaning/dp/0060628669/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453225066&sr=1-1&keywords=stages+of+faith
 
Have you tried saying to her something like, " I am very excited about your journey with Jesus but I would also love to know what do think of my new outfit"?, etc.
 
I think your feelings are natural.

As Della noted, it is likely her enthusiasm will wane in time. I have seen it happen many times. When someone has a profound conversion experience, it can consume every aspect of their life in the beginning. That’s not always such a bad thing, but it can lead to what you are experiencing. In time, it usually balances out (though the suggestion of spiritual direction is a good one to facilitate that it does balance out eventually).

I think there are opposite extremes we need to avoid. Some people seem to think God is only interested in “important” stuff and thus doesn’t really care what we do in small matters. Others fall victim to an over devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Discernment and think that they need to hear the voice of God tell them what type of soda to get from the vending machine and which pair of socks to put on in the morning. The reality is between those extremes. We can and should entrust even our daily tasks to God. But we need to take ownership of our free will and the fact that we have to make our own decisions.

I think the danger in such over-devotion is that you end up with people who think that everything they do has God’s divine stamp of approval. Or else, if they don’t hear God’s voice, they can become paralyzed and lose faith. But then the danger in under-devotion is that you end up with people who don’t pay attention to God at all accept when they are in a serious crisis.

I would encourage you to be patient with your friend. Perhaps it is no accident that God has placed you in each other’s lives. There may be a lot you can learn from her and also that she can learn from you.
 
chaplainmom said:
You are not wrong. Every one of us is on our own personal journey with Our Lord. What might help you to see this situation from a broader perspective is a book that is used in training Catechists who work with young adults called “Stages of Faith.” This goes over the way a human person grows psychologically in their faith journey. It can help you to see that your friend is “OK” and you too are “OK.” She has something she is working through and she is finding meaning in her spiritual practices. You do not have to find meaning in her spiritual practices.** You have to have your own way of connecting with God and be confident in how you experience the presence of God working in your life**. She is fortunate to have such a patient friend.

amazon.com/Stages-Faith-Psychology-Development-Meaning/dp/0060628669/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1453225066&sr=1-1&keywords=stages+of+faith
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I am really glad you said this, because when I see all that she does it makes me feel that I’m not doing enough in my life. And while I can always connect with God more, I think I’m doing well and I shouldn’t compare myself with her.
 
Thank you everyone for your responses! It really helps me put things into perspective and realize that I should not become frustrated with her. I will just wait it out and be there when she needs me.
 
samanthabird said:
Firstly, I apologize if this is in the wrong board.

Anyhow, ever since my best friend graduated college (class of 2013) she has become really religious. Going to adoration and mass daily, reading scripture, going to conferences, etc. This is GREAT, I am SO happy for her. I really admire her, almost in a bad way because she makes me feel bad that I don’t do as much as she does… but that’s a whole another topic.

Now it’s getting to the point where it’s a little much for me. Please put me in my place if I’m wrong, but she prays about EVERYTHING. I know prayer is important, but even when to text someone? She wanted an answer from someone and she said she would pray to God for Him to tell her when was the right time to ask. I didn’t realize there was a perfect timing to ask a question that you wanted to know the answer to.

Maybe I’m just not a very good Catholic, but it’s becoming too much for me. All she talks about is how her conference went, what she’s been doing in the church, all the prayers she’s been doing. I’m always happy to listen, and it’s great motivation for me to do more, but we never talk about just LIFE anymore. She asked me how my job was going (not well, another story) and I feel like it’s just so she can tell me to pray about it. It’s starting to drive me crazy, but I don’t want to say anything, nor do I want to feel this way because I feel like I’m in the wrong.

Help?
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I have had an ongoing (like for years) very similar situation with a friend. It can be rather crazy, and it’s not something one encounters every day, so sometimes you don’t know who to talk to about your feelings and how not to get frustrated with the friend. Perhaps we could help one another out. I need to be offline to go to Adoration but I’ve subscribed to this thread so I’ll check in later. PM me too if you want. I really do know how it is when you don’t want to be a wet blanket on someone’s spiritual awakening but they can sometimes be so “over the top” with it your head spins . . . :hypno: The good news is, I thought I might have to cut off this friend - I have had to take some time outs and will always have to handle her differently than I do most people - but gradually things have gotten better, and I’m actually thankful and glad she’s still my friend. And I’m learning some very handy do’s and don’ts and insights. TTYL! 😉
 
When I was in college, I had a friend who became a born-again Christian overnight.

He had been a warm-friendly guy, and nearly everyone liked him. All of a sudden, he had nothing else that he could discuss outside of his faith. Even if you were to say to him - “Our football team had a great game yesterday, don’t you think?” - He would reply with - “Yes, it was a great game, but it is minor in comparison to what really awesome in this world…”

Every single topic was changed back to his faith.

And I started noticing that almost all of his friends starting hiding when they saw him coming. It was unbearable for young college kids - even those that shared his faith.

For a while, I tried to maintain a friendship with him - I tried to listen to all he had to say. After a while, I too, started limiting my exposure to him.

And the more I thought about it - How could you help others on their faith journey if they hide around the corner every time they see you coming?

Since she is your best friend, I would level with her. I would say something like this: “I admire you so much. I cherish our friendship and all those experiences that we have had together. But I’m beginning to feel inadequate, and I know that you aren’t trying to make me feel that way. I wish we could have some conversations like the old days…”

and then let her talk. She may tell you that she didn’t realize that was how she was coming across. She may tell you that she is so excited by her new found obsession that she can’t. I don’t know. But at least it is out there.
 
3DOCTORS said:
I have had an ongoing (like for years) very similar situation with a friend. It can be rather crazy, and it’s not something one encounters every day, so sometimes you don’t know who to talk to about your feelings and how not to get frustrated with the friend. Perhaps we could help one another out. I need to be offline to go to Adoration but I’ve subscribed to this thread so I’ll check in later. PM me too if you want. I really do know how it is when you don’t want to be a wet blanket on someone’s spiritual awakening but they can sometimes be so “over the top” with it your head spins . . . :hypno: The good news is, I thought I might have to cut off this friend - I have had to take some time outs and will always have to handle her differently than I do most people - but gradually things have gotten better, and I’m actually thankful and glad she’s still my friend. And I’m learning some very handy do’s and don’ts and insights. TTYL! 😉
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Oh my gosh, yes! I’m very new to CA, but I’d love to reach out so we can go through this together. But oh my gosh, YEARS? It’s been only a few months (about six months) that it’s gotten really bad, especially now since she finally opened up to me about what was going on in her life, but I’m not sure if I could go so long without saying anything! I’m even reconsidering spending a holiday with her because I don’t want it to be too much for me.
 
shainski said:
When I was in college, I had a friend who became a born-again Christian overnight.

He had been a warm-friendly guy, and nearly everyone liked him. All of a sudden, he had nothing else that he could discuss outside of his faith. Even if you were to say to him - “Our football team had a great game yesterday, don’t you think?” - He would reply with - “Yes, it was a great game, but it is minor in comparison to what really awesome in this world…”

Every single topic was changed back to his faith.

And I started noticing that almost all of his friends starting hiding when they saw him coming. It was unbearable for young college kids - even those that shared his faith.

For a while, I tried to maintain a friendship with him - I tried to listen to all he had to say. After a while, I too, started limiting my exposure to him.

And the more I thought about it - How could you help others on their faith journey if they hide around the corner every time they see you coming?

Since she is your best friend, I would level with her. I would say something like this: “I admire you so much. I cherish our friendship and all those experiences that we have had together. But I’m beginning to feel inadequate, and I know that you aren’t trying to make me feel that way. I wish we could have some conversations like the old days…”

and then let her talk. She may tell you that she didn’t realize that was how she was coming across. She may tell you that she is so excited by her new found obsession that she can’t. I don’t know. But at least it is out there.
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That’s the perfect way to phrase it because it’s exactly how I feel. I guess I should add that I’m a little afraid to say anything because she doesn’t take it well. When we were in school I got into one of the biggest arguments that I’ve ever gotten into because I told her “no” on something that she wanted and I didn’t even tell her the real reason why. While that shouldn’t stop me from saying something, I don’t like conflict, which leads me to be a little passive aggressive sometimes :imsorry:
 
I remember being the same way when I had a spiritual awakening. Your friend is still on the mountaintop. Just as Peter, James, and John saw the Transfiguration and were tempted to build tents and camp out on the mountain, Christ told them they had a mission to tend to. They went back down into the world to minister to people. You have to meet people where they are at, and most are not on the mountaintop right now.
 
I can remember my conversion experience.
I’m so happy I still have my friends! I would do the “shouting from the mountaintops” how great my God is. And how in Love Jesus is with us. Dance, and sing and shout for joy. Oh my poor friends.
I’m still married to the same guy too. Poor thing got woke up in the middle of the night (the evening of my conversion) as I yelled happily “God is REEEALLL!” He just shoke his head and said, “Oh no, oh no…”
Somehow they all survived. I’m still happy I had that encounter and would never change it Not one thing. But I know it was difficult for people. My parents thought I was certifiable. They actually told my sisters that.
But I thank God for that conversion. So many things have happened since that day.
Both my children baptized, father baptized, sister off the streets and drug free, sister baptized, two nieces baptized. Physical healings and restoration of relationships. Reconciliation and forgiveness of so many people. So many beautiful miracles. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

It will all be fine. Hang on and don’t give up. There might even be a time when you need to rely on her faith and dligence to prayer.
 
When I was in college, I had a friend who became a born-again Christian overnight.

He had been a warm-friendly guy, and nearly everyone liked him. All of a sudden, he had nothing else that he could discuss outside of his faith. Even if you were to say to him - “Our football team had a great game yesterday, don’t you think?” - He would reply with - “Yes, it was a great game, but it is minor in comparison to what really awesome in this world…”

Every single topic was changed back to his faith.

And I started noticing that almost all of his friends starting hiding when they saw him coming. It was unbearable for young college kids - even those that shared his faith.

For a while, I tried to maintain a friendship with him - I tried to listen to all he had to say. After a while, I too, started limiting my exposure to him.

And the more I thought about it - How could you help others on their faith journey if they hide around the corner every time they see you coming?

Since she is your best friend, I would level with her. I would say something like this: “I admire you so much. I cherish our friendship and all those experiences that we have had together. But I’m beginning to feel inadequate, and I know that you aren’t trying to make me feel that way. I wish we could have some conversations like the old days…”

and then let her talk. She may tell you that she didn’t realize that was how she was coming across. She may tell you that she is so excited by her new found obsession that she can’t. I don’t know. But at least it is out there.
 
samanthabird said:
Oh my gosh, yes! I’m very new to CA, but I’d love to reach out so we can go through this together. But oh my gosh, YEARS? It’s been only a few months (about six months) that it’s gotten really bad, especially now since she finally opened up to me about what was going on in her life, but I’m not sure if I could go so long without saying anything! I’m even reconsidering spending a holiday with her because I don’t want it to be too much for me.
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Sorry it took me awhile to get back, and it may still be tomorrow before I can really communicate with you since right now I’m not alone in the house (I have ADD and get too distracted in my thoughts when others are around). But I will keep checking back! I think we need to have some kind of mutual support. :grouphug: I haven’t even the concentration at the moment to read all the posts in this thread after I left and came back. :o

I will throw out there, though, what others have said, that the overenthusiasm goes with conversion for many. But there may also be an obsessional element in the personality. My friend has OCD - or maybe OCPD (a stubborner and more difficult to deal with type, though I’m not a professional so I can’t make that call). There are good qualities of sincerity and compassion in her personality. But sometimes she thinks only her way is right, and she’s out to reform the world, and we lock horns. There’s a lot more than that. But that might give you a little to compare and see if it rings true to your own friend situation. [SIGN]Stay tuned, more to come![/SIGN]
 
There are times in life when we are so down and out that yes, we do need to pray for the simplest things in life. For example, if someone is really depressed, they might need to pray for the strength to take a shower (which they did not do in days).

However, that is usually in our darkest moments. I do not want to judge what your friend is praying about because at the point in time, it just might have been understandable to pray about sending a text.

However, there is such a thing as too much information which she is obviously giving to you. As well, there is such a thing as being charitable and listening to what is important to others which she is NOT giving you. You can’t have a one way friendship.

If you got into an argument with her because you said no once … What kind of friend is this?

I would tell her point blank, she is overdoing it. And if she doesn’t stop, I would put some physical distance

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
There are times in life when we are so down and out that yes, we do need to pray for the simplest things in life. For example, if someone is really depressed, they might need to pray for the strength to take a shower (which they did not do in days).

However, that is usually in our darkest moments. I do not want to judge what your friend is praying about because at the point in time, it just might have been understandable to pray about sending a text.

However, there is such a thing as too much information which she is obviously giving to you. As well, there is such a thing as being charitable and listening to what is important to others which she is NOT giving you. You can’t have a one way friendship.

If you got into an argument with her because you said no once … What kind of friend is this?

I would tell her point blank, she is overdoing it. And if she doesn’t stop, I would put some physical distance

Angie
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While she isn’t depressed,she is going through something really difficult for her, so perhaps you are right.

If I ever work up the courage, I will say something to her. The positive is that we live in different states, so the physical distance will be easy. We also don’t talk too often since she is wrapped up in her world and I’m busy as well. It’s just when we do it’s very one sided.
 
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