My Friend Is Having An Affair

[NewishCath]

I have a (non-Catholic) friend of about 15 years. She’s involved (sexually) with a married man. The affair has gone on for more than two years. I’ve known about it for six months. I am not sure how to handle this.

She tends to be depressed. I don’t know whether the affair has had an affect on this, the point is, she has children and I tend to feel compassionate towards her.

She’s not got a lot of support. If I were to remove myself from her life…well, I don’t think she would kill herself, but she fights that urge all the time. And while she’s good managing her depression I know I have no idea just how important I may be in anchoring her on this plane. She’s told me many times, I am often the only light there is. That’s not to say she can’t find another light. It’s just the situation as of today.

I want to know what my obligations are in regards to interacting with her while she carries on her affair. She certainly knows I don’t approve of what she’s doing. I’ve verbalized this, but so far I have continued to support her, be her friend and pray that she finds her way out of this.

She’s been a very good friend to me, for years. I would have a very hard time justifying breaking off the friendship. I have gone through dark periods in my life…and emerged, usually due to one good friend, who stuck by me. I have seen and supported and supported others through times like this…and seen them emerge back into the light. So I have hope.

But I read about Catholics shunning people in these situations (for lack of a better word). They don’t want to support them in their sin? I don’t know where the lines go.

I’ll add, this woman is well versed in religion. She was raised a Protestant and loved God and the all church stuff when she was a little girl and a teen. She thrived on religion. She has not attended church for decades, but her talk of God, in part, is what led me to become Catholic. So she’s not ignorant. However, her married lover is an atheist or agnostic? He’s influenced her and she’s become more of a non-believer. The word, “despair”, comes to mind but the fact is, she’s always leaned (heavily) in that direction so I just don’t know.

I don’t want to leave my friend in a ditch, basically. But I don’t want to help her stay in a ditch either.

Ideas?

 

[808Catholic]

I have a (non-Catholic) friend of about 15 years. She’s involved (sexually) with a married man. The affair has gone on for more than two years. I’ve known about it for six months. I am not sure how to handle this.

She tends to be depressed. I don’t know whether the affair has had an affect on this, the point is, she has children and I tend to feel compassionate towards her.

She’s not got a lot of support. If I were to remove myself from her life…well, I don’t think she would kill herself, but she fights that urge all the time. And while she’s good managing her depression I know I have no idea just how important I may be in anchoring her on this plane. She’s told me many times, I am often the only light there is. That’s not to say she can’t find another light. It’s just the situation as of today.

I want to know what my obligations are in regards to interacting with her while she carries on her affair. She certainly knows I don’t approve of what she’s doing. I’ve verbalized this, but so far I have continued to support her, be her friend and pray that she finds her way out of this.

She’s been a very good friend to me, for years. I would have a very hard time justifying breaking off the friendship. I have gone through dark periods in my life…and emerged, usually due to one good friend, who stuck by me. I have seen and supported and supported others through times like this…and seen them emerge back into the light. So I have hope.

But I read about Catholics shunning people in these situations (for lack of a better word). They don’t want to support them in their sin? I don’t know where the lines go.

I’ll add, this woman is well versed in religion. She was raised a Protestant and loved God and the all church stuff when she was a little girl and a teen. She thrived on religion. She has not attended church for decades, but her talk of God, in part, is what led me to become Catholic. So she’s not ignorant. However, her married lover is an atheist or agnostic? He’s influenced her and she’s become more of a non-believer. The word, “despair”, comes to mind but the fact is, she’s always leaned (heavily) in that direction so I just don’t know.

I don’t want to leave my friend in a ditch, basically. But I don’t want to help her stay in a ditch either.

Ideas?

I’m presuming you are female and by your description of your faith “new” to the Catholic faith. Have no fear! Just as God placed others (including your friend) in place at the right time to bring you to the church, He’s placed you where He wants you to be: next to her. I’m sensing your friend has multiple challenges at this point but I’m going to limit my response to the spiritual aspect.

Love her.

Continue to love her as Christ loves you. She may be in sin but that’s no reason to stop loving her and trying to help her come back to God. It’s amazing what love can do! Love can move mountains and love can bring a mother to realize the affair she’s having doesn’t just impact her; it impacts her child. If your friend’s child is female, her affair may set the example that women are meant to be sexual toys for married men and that it’s okay to be exploited by others even if it causes you to become depressed. If her child is male, the affair lowers his respect for his mother and women in general. Imagine what pattern of behavior her son is picking up by watching and learning how the adulterous man is treating his mother! For false “love”, women will go to jail or even admit to murder to protect their lovers. For true love, a mother will stop her harmful actions and change her lifestyle so that her child will have a better life.

Don’t lecture. Just love and let God do the rest!

 

[pianistclare]

If she’s your friend implore her to stop this madness now.
Tell her the truth:
That’s it’s against God’s law (she knows this)
That he’s likely never going to respect her since he does not respect his wife
That’s she’s contributing to his loss of salvation by being his accomplice in sin
That there’s a woman out there that is the same as her: wanting love. His wife.
That she’ll never be happy with this arrangement.
That is she wants to be free of depression she must end it today.

THAT’S what you do for a friend. You say she brought you to faith.
Return the favor. Bring her back to faith.
She must stop this for a hundred more reasons than what I listed.
She knows it. You know it.
Most importantly, tell her your will pray for her strength.
Her relationship with God is the most important one. It’s the one that satisfies.
Good luck.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Whenever these threads show up it is often brought up that the spouse of the man is in danger physically from a cheating husband (not to mention the OPs friend as well) And then there is a debate if one has the obligation to tell the spouse about the affair.

Well, Does that apply here too? Should the OP tell the friend to either come clean or the OP tells the spouse herself? Several posters on other threads about adultery have mentioned that it is a duty to inform the wife because she may indeed be in health danger.

How and why does the OP even know about the affair?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m presuming you are female and by your description of your faith “new” to the Catholic faith. Have no fear! Just as God placed others (including your friend) in place at the right time to bring you to the church, He’s placed you where He wants you to be: next to her. I’m sensing your friend has multiple challenges at this point but I’m going to limit my response to the spiritual aspect.

Love her.

Continue to love her as Christ loves you. She may be in sin but that’s no reason to stop loving her and trying to help her come back to God. It’s amazing what love can do! Love can move mountains and love can bring a mother to realize the affair she’s having doesn’t just impact her; it impacts her child. If your friend’s child is female, her affair may set the example that women are meant to be sexual toys for married men and that it’s okay to be exploited by others even if it causes you to become depressed. If her child is male, the affair lowers his respect for his mother and women in general. Imagine what pattern of behavior her son is picking up by watching and learning how the adulterous man is treating his mother! For false “love”, women will go to jail or even admit to murder to protect their lovers. For true love, a mother will stop her harmful actions and change her lifestyle so that her child will have a better life.

Don’t lecture. Just love and let God do the rest!

No offense but that makes no sense. What does love her mean? How is that manifested?

 

[808Catholic]

No offense but that makes no sense. What does love her mean? How is that manifested?

I meant to love her friend as Christ loved the repentant thief on the cross next to Him. Jesus could have told the thief “nope, you’re still going to hell since you stole so you broke one of My Ten Commandments” but He didn’t. He could have sacrificed Himself only for those who believe in Him and not for everyone’s salvation but He didn’t.

As parents know, we love our children and want the best for them even though they do things that might harm themselves. We get them to stop even if that means putting the child into “time out” and our son/daughter cries.

 

[pensmama87]

Whenever these threads show up it is often brought up that the spouse of the man is in danger physically from a cheating husband (not to mention the OPs friend as well) And then there is a debate if one has the obligation to tell the spouse about the affair.

Well, Does that apply here too? Should the OP tell the friend to either come clean or the OP tells the spouse herself? Several posters on other threads about adultery have mentioned that it is a duty to inform the wife because she may indeed be in health danger.

How and why does the OP even know about the affair?

It makes sense to me - the OP’s friend is the “other woman,” not the spouse, and the OP knows because her friend confided in her.

The “other woman” should definitely cut off the relationship (and might as well get herself checked). I’d say it’s the adulterous spouse’s duty to rebuild the marriage, not the mistress’s job to get even further entangled. Her motives for telling would be suspect, anyhow, and the wife may not even be inclined to believe her.

I wholeheartedly second pianistclare’s advice.

 

[ClearWater]

I’m presuming you are female and by your description of your faith “new” to the Catholic faith. Have no fear! Just as God placed others (including your friend) in place at the right time to bring you to the church, He’s placed you where He wants you to be: next to her. I’m sensing your friend has multiple challenges at this point but I’m going to limit my response to the spiritual aspect.

Love her.

Continue to love her as Christ loves you. She may be in sin but that’s no reason to stop loving her and trying to help her come back to God. It’s amazing what love can do! Love can move mountains and love can bring a mother to realize the affair she’s having doesn’t just impact her; it impacts her child. If your friend’s child is female, her affair may set the example that women are meant to be sexual toys for married men and that it’s okay to be exploited by others even if it causes you to become depressed. If her child is male, the affair lowers his respect for his mother and women in general. Imagine what pattern of behavior her son is picking up by watching and learning how the adulterous man is treating his mother! For false “love”, women will go to jail or even admit to murder to protect their lovers. For true love, a mother will stop her harmful actions and change her lifestyle so that her child will have a better life.

Don’t lecture. Just love and let God do the rest!

We all have something wrong with us, something imperfect. You know her problems. With others, they may have worse problems, just not let you see them.

Eventually, she may get tired of being second and turn around. If/when that happens, allow it to be her decision to end it. Something else might happen which may also force this issue to a head, like being discovered.

Permit her to learn, even if it is by her mistakes.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I meant to love her friend as Christ loved the repentant thief on the cross next to Him. Jesus could have told the thief “nope, you’re still going to hell since you stole so you broke one of My Ten Commandments” but He didn’t. He could have sacrificed Himself only for those who believe in Him and not for everyone’s salvation but He didn’t.

As parents know, we love our children and want the best for them even though they do things that might harm themselves. We get them to stop even if that means putting the child into “time out” and our son/daughter cries.

That makes better sense. Just “love them does not really indicate a specific action to take.”

 

[ClearWater]

If your friend is chronically depressed, would it be appropriate to ask her if she had considered counseling? Depression can affect our emotions, thoughts. We might feel desperate, do things we might not normally do when we are fine.

 

[Horton]

Invite he to Mass, if she declines, ask her next week. Don’t preach to her. It sounds as though she knows how you feel about adultery. Keep asking her to Mass.

 

[Catholic1954]

I have a (non-Catholic) friend of about 15 years. She’s involved (sexually) with a married man. The affair has gone on for more than two years. I’ve known about it for six months. I am not sure how to handle this.

She tends to be depressed. I don’t know whether the affair has had an affect on this, the point is, she has children and I tend to feel compassionate towards her.

She’s not got a lot of support. If I were to remove myself from her life…well, I don’t think she would kill herself, but she fights that urge all the time. And while she’s good managing her depression I know I have no idea just how important I may be in anchoring her on this plane. She’s told me many times, I am often the only light there is. That’s not to say she can’t find another light. It’s just the situation as of today.

I want to know what my obligations are in regards to interacting with her while she carries on her affair. She certainly knows I don’t approve of what she’s doing. I’ve verbalized this, but so far I have continued to support her, be her friend and pray that she finds her way out of this.

She’s been a very good friend to me, for years. I would have a very hard time justifying breaking off the friendship. I have gone through dark periods in my life…and emerged, usually due to one good friend, who stuck by me. I have seen and supported and supported others through times like this…and seen them emerge back into the light. So I have hope.

But I read about Catholics shunning people in these situations (for lack of a better word). They don’t want to support them in their sin? I don’t know where the lines go.

I’ll add, this woman is well versed in religion. She was raised a Protestant and loved God and the all church stuff when she was a little girl and a teen. She thrived on religion. She has not attended church for decades, but her talk of God, in part, is what led me to become Catholic. So she’s not ignorant. However, her married lover is an atheist or agnostic? He’s influenced her and she’s become more of a non-believer. The word, “despair”, comes to mind but the fact is, she’s always leaned (heavily) in that direction so I just don’t know.

I don’t want to leave my friend in a ditch, basically. But I don’t want to help her stay in a ditch either.

Ideas?

If your friend is fighting suicidal thoughts, then she needs professional help, NOW; there is nothing you can do to fix this for her. Dumping her and a 15 year friendship is not helpful; encourage and do everything you can so she gets the help she needs to deal with the depression. I’m thinking once that is overcome, the married boyfriend will not be around anymore.

 

[mamlukman]

Point out the obvious. The affair is not making her happy. The longer she keeps it up, the longer she will have to wait to find someone who will make her happy. Logical.

 

[Isca]

Point out the obvious. The affair is not making her happy. The longer she keeps it up, the longer she will have to wait to find someone who will make her happy. Logical.

That makes sense.

 

[NewishCath]

Thanks, everyone. It was so helpful to write this and get some feedback.

I am a woman. I have not met the man my friend is sleeping with and I don’t know his wife. I can’t imagine meeting him. It would be a challenge for me to shake his hand - I think my friend knows this.

In fact, I don’t even know his name. I don’t ask. I don’t snoop around facebook and try to find out.

I don’t know if I am handling this the best way I can, that’s why I’m here on this forum. We don’t talk about this man or his wife, in a way that might be typical. I have been candid with her. I’ve told her that I feel he will never leave his wife…even if his wife were to die, I don’t think he would marry my friend.

The man has a lot money. The couple does, rather. They have a robust life together, with long trips overseas, multiple homes, etc. The parents of both the husband and the wife are deeply involved with the couple. They vacation together and such. Month-long trips out of the country.

So that’s his life and his lifestyle. My friend lives paycheck to paycheck with her kids. The money and the status are clearly very important to this man. He’s posts pictures of his latest lavish home on facebook (so I hear). People ooh and ahh.

I just don’t think he will ever exit this realm to be with my friend, or bring her into his realm where he’d have to explain the situation to anyone in his world. I say these things to her…and I make remarks, “You’re involved with someone’s husband. How happy can you be in a situation like that? Of course you feel bad…”

She does know everything about this from every angle. I mean, she’s writhing around trying to figure out how she’s going to pay some unexpected bill, while he’s on a month-long ski trip with his wife and her family. How can a person hide from reality this stark?

They “break up” and then one or the other or both, can’t stand the pain, blah, blah. He’s told her that while he loves her, he will never leave his wife.

I guess she hopes this is not true and/or she doesn’t care. She appears more than willing to be the other woman for the rest of her life. Believes something is better than nothing.

I am relieved I’m not being counseled to abandon her.

 

[NewishCath]

Oh! And on the depression…

She’s had therapy in the past. Maybe a dozen years ago? She’s taken medication, but opted to manage her problem by other means for the last ten years or so.

I don’t think this has necessarily been a mistake. She’s sophisticated and she’s found unique ways to deal with the problem.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think she would kill herself, but she does deal with suicidal thoughts and always has.

She does have children who love and need her. She’s devoted to them and aware how destructive it would be to them if they lost her. But’s she told me many times, very clearly, she wishes that she’d have been aborted and I know she means it.

I am the opposite. This is something we’re both aware of. I am almost always UP, she is almost always DOWN. We meet in the middle and have for years.

In whatever case, she does not want to go to therapy. She wants to work things out herself and she’s active in this pursuit, on a daily basis.

She’s laid out, deeply depressed, unable to function, far less often than she used to be. Consequently, I trust and respect her efforts on this front. And I guess I feel is she can work her way out of one thing, she can work her way out of the other. I pray for her.

 

[pianistclare]

Thanks, everyone. It was so helpful to write this and get some feedback.

I am a woman. I have not met the man my friend is sleeping with and I don’t know his wife. I can’t imagine meeting him. It would be a challenge for me to shake his hand - I think my friend knows this.

In fact, I don’t even know his name. I don’t ask. I don’t snoop around facebook and try to find out.

I don’t know if I am handling this the best way I can, that’s why I’m here on this forum. We don’t talk about this man or his wife, in a way that might be typical. I have been candid with her. I’ve told her that I feel he will never leave his wife…even if his wife were to die, I don’t think he would marry my friend.

The man has a lot money. The couple does, rather. They have a robust life together, with long trips overseas, multiple homes, etc. The parents of both the husband and the wife are deeply involved with the couple. They vacation together and such. Month-long trips out of the country.

So that’s his life and his lifestyle. My friend lives paycheck to paycheck with her kids. The money and the status are clearly very important to this man. He’s posts pictures of his latest lavish home on facebook (so I hear). People ooh and ahh.

I just don’t think he will ever exit this realm to be with my friend, or bring her into his realm where he’d have to explain the situation to anyone in his world. I say these things to her…and I make remarks, “You’re involved with someone’s husband. How happy can you be in a situation like that? Of course you feel bad…”

She does know everything about this from every angle. I mean, she’s writhing around trying to figure out how she’s going to pay some unexpected bill, while he’s on a month-long ski trip with his wife and her family. How can a person hide from reality this stark?

They “break up” and then one or the other or both, can’t stand the pain, blah, blah. He’s told her that while he loves her, he will never leave his wife.

I guess she hopes this is not true and/or she doesn’t care. She appears more than willing to be the other woman for the rest of her life. Believes something is better than nothing.

I am relieved I’m not being counseled to abandon her.

Ask her this:
*"What is it about being treated as a fallback lover makes you happy?
It doesn’t? Then stop seeing him. He’s using you. You are his habit, not the love of his life. If he loved either of you, this would not be happening. Have more regard for yourself. If you don’t respect yourself, who will? **God does not desire this for you. **
Your place is not with him. He has a wife. End of story. *

It’s not harsh if you say it with love and sincerity.

 

[pianistclare]

Oh! And on the depression…

She’s had therapy in the past. Maybe a dozen years ago? She’s taken medication, but opted to manage her problem by other means for the last ten years or so.

I don’t think this has necessarily been a mistake. She’s sophisticated and she’s found unique ways to deal with the problem.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t think she would kill herself, but she does deal with suicidal thoughts and always has.

She does have children who love and need her. She’s devoted to them and aware how destructive it would be to them if they lost her. But’s she told me many times, very clearly, she wishes that she’d have been aborted and I know she means it.

I am the opposite. This is something we’re both aware of. I am almost always UP, she is almost always DOWN. We meet in the middle and have for years.

In whatever case, she does not want to go to therapy. She wants to work things out herself and she’s active in this pursuit, on a daily basis.

She’s laid out, deeply depressed, unable to function, far less often than she used to be. Consequently, I trust and respect her efforts on this front. And I guess I feel is she can work her way out of one thing, she can work her way out of the other. I pray for her.

She does not sound high functioning .She can’t work it out. It sounds like you know this.
If you are a friend you will give her truth, honestly AND compassion.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thanks, everyone. It was so helpful to write this and get some feedback.

I am a woman. I have not met the man my friend is sleeping with and I don’t know his wife. I can’t imagine meeting him. It would be a challenge for me to shake his hand - I think my friend knows this.

In fact, I don’t even know his name. I don’t ask. I don’t snoop around facebook and try to find out.

I don’t know if I am handling this the best way I can, that’s why I’m here on this forum. We don’t talk about this man or his wife, in a way that might be typical. I have been candid with her. I’ve told her that I feel he will never leave his wife…even if his wife were to die, I don’t think he would marry my friend.

The man has a lot money. The couple does, rather. They have a robust life together, with long trips overseas, multiple homes, etc. The parents of both the husband and the wife are deeply involved with the couple. They vacation together and such. Month-long trips out of the country.

So that’s his life and his lifestyle. My friend lives paycheck to paycheck with her kids. The money and the status are clearly very important to this man. He’s posts pictures of his latest lavish home on facebook (so I hear). People ooh and ahh.

I just don’t think he will ever exit this realm to be with my friend, or bring her into his realm where he’d have to explain the situation to anyone in his world. I say these things to her…and I make remarks, “You’re involved with someone’s husband. How happy can you be in a situation like that? Of course you feel bad…”

She does know everything about this from every angle. I mean, she’s writhing around trying to figure out how she’s going to pay some unexpected bill, while he’s on a month-long ski trip with his wife and her family. How can a person hide from reality this stark?

They “break up” and then one or the other or both, can’t stand the pain, blah, blah. He’s told her that while he loves her, he will never leave his wife.

I guess she hopes this is not true and/or she doesn’t care. She appears more than willing to be the other woman for the rest of her life. Believes something is better than nothing.

I am relieved I’m not being counseled to abandon her.

She is possibly receiving some compensation for this as well. It is common. She needs to be in therapy. No matter how well she thinks she is handling it. She isn’t handling it.

 

[NewishCath]

I have definitely told her that he’s using her and betraying everyone. That he is not the person he pretends to be on facebook, in his home with his wife, on vacation with his or his wife’s family. That this is not love by any stretch of the imagination. He’s a phony, across the board.

What I’ve not done is tell her this over and over and over and over. I don’t have to. I’m not one to mince words, she knows how I view this and what I think and feel about it.

I don’t go on and on because I don’t want to invest time going in circles, obsessing over someone’s husband, being repetitive and ineffective.

I am not in a position to get her to therapy. My main question is about any obligation I would have to dissociate myself from her so as to not help her along on this horrible path.

There is an odd change here for me. Because she was doing something similar when we first met. This was 15 years ago. At that time, I told her if she kept messing with someone’s husband, I’d probably not know her for long. “I just don’t go for that kind of thing, it makes me sick.”

She exited that relationship within a day or two…we went on to become friends.

So roughly a dozen years later, she did it again. Didn’t tell me - you can see why. But eventually she did tell me. And with 15 years invested in the relationship (both ways), it’s not so easy with opt out.