My Friend Is Having An Affair

[mommy_k]

You should tell your friend that she should not put herself second in a man’s life. She deserves to be first with a husband of her own. To stay with this or any other man that is already married will prevent her from this.

(In addition to everything else)

Perhaps this approach will work because she is not religious-her self esteem is clearly suffering and will not get better until she moves on.

 

[LongingSoul]

You’ve said that they’ve tried to break up in the past and then can’t stand that and start again so it sounds like they are in a cycle of addiction to each other. She’s no doubt putting that aspect down to ‘love’ but true love in this case would be in letting it go completely and doing the right thing by everyone involved.

Introduce the idea of her experience as an addiction and let her do some research. Knowledge is power often. Perhaps a link to a relevant site might help…

familyandlifesolutions.com/marriage-blog/2013/7/9/how-to-fall-out-of-love-with-the-affair-partner-pt-1.html

 

[NewishCath]

He has a history of addiction. Heroin, specifically. He kicked this maybe 15 years ago…he and his wife both have high-profile, high-paying jobs. I haven’t seen the man, but I don’t think anyone in his current life would guess his past.

She does feel he’s addicted to her, but she allows it. She could end it if she chose to, She is choosing this and does not deny it. She considers this to better than anything else she has ever had with a man. She thinks whatever is between them is real.

She’s glad and grateful I did not not dump her when she told me. Everyone knows I hate this stuff. I have hated the idea of cheating since I was a child. I have no personal history with it…I’ve just always known it’s wrong…inexcusably wrong.

As I write, I realize I really would like to divorce myself from the situation. But I know what is irrelevant to what God wants me to do.

My friends, by and large, are moral people. Catholic or not, they all try to live to some kind of standard. So the longer this goes on, the harder it is. I do not feel she is trying to do the right thing. She is not trying to end it.

It is like dealing with an addict. You can’t tell them every second of the day, "you drink too much!: But when you ignore it, at what point are you enabling them?

I’m not clear on this.

 

[NewishCath]

Also, someone mentioned “compensation”.

He has plenty of money…I believe she thinks he should share it with her. I tell her his money is not his money, it is “their money” and that there is no way his wife would be cool with him giving it to her!

He says he would like to help her out but does not want her to feel like a prostitute. He’s has paid for stuff around her house, but get this - it’s for HIS comfort.

For example, he comes over, the air conditioning is broken. She can’t afford to fix it…he gets it fixed so he can be comfortable…it makes me sick to even write this.

But she benefits indirectly.

 

[808Catholic]

Thanks, everyone. It was so helpful to write this and get some feedback.

I am a woman. I have not met the man my friend is sleeping with and I don’t know his wife. I can’t imagine meeting him. It would be a challenge for me to shake his hand - I think my friend knows this.

In fact, I don’t even know his name. I don’t ask. I don’t snoop around facebook and try to find out.

I don’t know if I am handling this the best way I can, that’s why I’m here on this forum. We don’t talk about this man or his wife, in a way that might be typical. I have been candid with her. I’ve told her that I feel he will never leave his wife…even if his wife were to die, I don’t think he would marry my friend.

The man has a lot money. The couple does, rather. They have a robust life together, with long trips overseas, multiple homes, etc. The parents of both the husband and the wife are deeply involved with the couple. They vacation together and such. Month-long trips out of the country.

So that’s his life and his lifestyle. My friend lives paycheck to paycheck with her kids. The money and the status are clearly very important to this man. He’s posts pictures of his latest lavish home on facebook (so I hear). People ooh and ahh.

I just don’t think he will ever exit this realm to be with my friend, or bring her into his realm where he’d have to explain the situation to anyone in his world. I say these things to her…and I make remarks, “You’re involved with someone’s husband. How happy can you be in a situation like that? Of course you feel bad…”

She does know everything about this from every angle. I mean, she’s writhing around trying to figure out how she’s going to pay some unexpected bill, while he’s on a month-long ski trip with his wife and her family. How can a person hide from reality this stark?

They “break up” and then one or the other or both, can’t stand the pain, blah, blah. He’s told her that while he loves her, he will never leave his wife.

I guess she hopes this is not true and/or she doesn’t care. She appears more than willing to be the other woman for the rest of her life. Believes something is better than nothing.

I am relieved I’m not being counseled to abandon her.

I’m so sorry for your friend but happy she has such a good friend in you. It sounds as if she believes she’s trapping in her life of sin. On one hand, she knows it’s wrong and wants to stop and, on the other, she believes her adulterous “sugar daddy” is the ONLY way she can make ends meet. He exploits her for ??? and she exploits him for $$$. Very sad indeed for both. I can’t believe your friend is his first or only mistress; it sounds as if he’s done this before and knows where he has to “keep” his mistresses so that his wife and family doesn’t object too much. Very sad for them as well.

As I’ve posted in a previous comment, keeping loving your friend. You may be the angel that God is sending her at this moment and you may be angel that your friend’s child needs in the future. God Bless you.

 

[NewishCath]

She says she cannot bear the pain of being separated from him. I don’t know how to answer this.

She lives at a much lower octave than I do. Having known her all these years, I’ve come to realize I’ve been blessed by God with two things she lacks. An upbeat mood / optimism and a high threshold of pain.

I don’t think I can tell her to clutch it up, take the hit and move on, the way I would (and could and can). It would be like telling someone who is 5’9" to be 5’4". I am extremely buoyant and understand just what a good fortune this is.

I do not try harder than she does, is what I’m saying. For all I know, her effort is 100X mine, just to stay where she is.

I’m sorry. It’s just a very bad situation. Again, thanks for letting me talk about this. I appreciate it, greatly.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I have been open about this earlier but as the OP seems to be new, let me give a POV from a perspective closer to the OP’s friend. No I did not actually have a sexual affair with a married man, but I did have a rather inappropriate friendship with one, that was bordering on an emotional affair. I have since cut all ties with him and have no plans to contact him again, as I know I am just not capable of being “just friends” with him.

A friend of mine who I confided in about this, did NOT abandon me or shame me, but also did NOT give any sign of approval. That being said, I really didn’t break free from the situation until I got professional help and underwent psychotherapy. I don’t know if the OP’s friend has the resources for such, but it does seem that this affair is more of a crutch than a healthy relationship.

Note that many single people who wind up “dating” married people do so because they subconsciously KNOW this person will never be available, yet “it didn’t work about because he was married” is more acceptable than “it didn’t work out because I am not loveable”. Or, they really don’t feel up to handling a committed relationship and therefore enter doomed ones on purpose.

As for the OP, my advice would be: you do not have to abandon your friend, but I would suggest that if you see openings to express your beliefs that her behavior is both morally wrong and injurious to herself, you take them. I know it is difficult these days to be charitable in “fraternal correction”, but even if it doesn’t seem to make a difference, I am pretty sure your friend IS listening, as she certainly doesn’t seem to actually be happy where she is, as I wasn’t happy either when I was tempted to pursue a similar lifestyle.

 

[NewishCath]

A crutch. Yes, I think that’s right. I hadn’t thought of that. It’s very helpful. Thank you.

 

[LongingSoul]

She says she cannot bear the pain of being separated from him. I don’t know how to answer this.

She lives at a much lower octave than I do. Having known her all these years, I’ve come to realize I’ve been blessed by God with two things she lacks. An upbeat mood / optimism and a high threshold of pain.

I don’t think I can tell her to clutch it up, take the hit and move on, the way I would (and could and can). It would be like telling someone who is 5’9" to be 5’4". I am extremely buoyant and understand just what a good fortune this is.

I do not try harder than she does, is what I’m saying. For all I know, her effort is 100X mine, just to stay where she is.

I’m sorry. It’s just a very bad situation. Again, thanks for letting me talk about this. I appreciate it, greatly.

Do you think that your friendship with her might be overly influenced by your sense of obligation to help or save her? You said that she influenced you to become Catholic but also said that she was having an affair at the time you met her, so while she has some theological knowledge, it is very much your own search for holiness that guides your decisions.

There may be some aspects of co-dependence with your relationship that colours your sense of loyalty to her because it sounds like you are being negatively affected by this association in the state it is and perhaps should not be as involved at the present time? That is just a thought I had reading between the lines of your last post.

 

[NewishCath]

I wonder this as well.

To be clear, when I met her she was recently divorced and devastated. She was raised Lutheran and never, ever expect to be divorced. In pain, she got involved with an ex who was married…for about two days when she met me. She mentioned this right away…I told her within a day or two, I didn’t think we could be friends…that I just can’t deal with people cheating, etc. She agrees with me on this…left the relationship and our friendship took off from there.

In the first five years of our friendship, one of my children became ill. It was quite horrible. I became. “the mother the bad thing happened to”. The mother that other mothers avoid. The mother in so much pain, people just have to look away.

This woman stood by me through that time. Ultimately, I lost my daughter. My friend never wavered. Not once.

So in this period, she talked to me about God quite a bit. I was raised without religion, but I could feel what she was saying was true. I can still remember certain conversations we had. God spoke through her.

Many other things happened…years passed, I found my way into RCIA and was confirmed Catholic about five years ago. I have been a practicing Catholic since. And a vocal about it.

As for being negatively affected, I wonder. I don’t really feel I am trying to save her. As I said previously, I would like to walk away. But I don’t know that I can…and I am wondering now if I should be trying to save her.

This is the line I am talking about. The one I can’t see.

I am Catholic, she is not. She has chosen to live in the make-your-own-rules arena. This strains our relationship, at least on my end.

I am not that involved. This is a long standing relationship, but we live in different cities. The level of our contact ebbs and flows. At times we have talked every day…but for the first 2 years she got involved with this man, we talked every 2-3 weeks. I didn’t know why. We’re busy?

Well this was why. She’s started this affair and knew I would not condone it. So then she told me…it’s been months since then. We talk a couple times a week…and this man comes up in less than half the conversations.

This is because there is nothing new to say. She’s doing this, I know she is doing this, if something changes or happens, I assume she’ll tell me.

So I don’t know about the codependence OR the possibility the relationship is not good for me.

I have boundaries. I’m Catholic, I will always be Catholic. Most of us get up to something at some point in our lives. I try to see it in that type frame. She’s doing something bad…I hope she stops.

I am ambivalent though. Because as I said, pretty much everyone else in my life is trying to live in accordance with God in one way or the other. This is friend is denying God at this time, to some extent…and the extent seems to be growing at this time.

I don’t know. I love the Catholic world. My question may be, does it require me to let go of people in situations like this…or it is the exact opposite?

I don’t think she is going to corrupt me, lol. I am not taking on her views, nor am I that invested she take on mine. I just have this friend, she’s a mother, and if I am going to shun her, I am going to have to know in my heart, this is what God wants from me. Because it is uncomfortable…either way.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

This woman stood by me through that time. Ultimately, I lost my daughter. My friend never wavered. Not once.

I think there is a difference between “standing by” someone who is going through a trying time with difficulties they have absolutely no moral culpability for, and your friend’s current situation.

Well this was why. She’s started this affair and knew I would not condone it. So then she told me…it’s been months since then. We talk a couple times a week…and this man comes up in less than half the conversations.

Why do you think she told you at all, though? Why, knowing that you almost ended the friendship in the past over her last affair with a married man?

Perhaps there is a part of her that WANTS someone to tell her that what she is doing is wrong. Perhaps her other friends have the stereotypical idea that “twu wuv” excuses all, and would not help her to discern whether to leave the relationship.

I certainly can say that if this is the case, I have been there myself.

 

[808Catholic]

I don’t know. I love the Catholic world. My question may be, does it require me to let go of people in situations like this…or it is the exact opposite?

I don’t think she is going to corrupt me, lol. I am not taking on her views, nor am I that invested she take on mine. I just have this friend, she’s a mother, and if I am going to shun her, I am going to have to know in my heart, this is what God wants from me. Because it is uncomfortable…either way.

Love the sinner, hate the sin. Simple yet effective in application. Be that friend whose shoulder she can cry on (if that’s okay with you) but don’t drive her to the airport to meet her adulterous “friend.” God Bless you.

 

[NewishCath]

Love the sinner, hate the sin. Simple yet effective in application. Be that friend whose shoulder she can cry on (if that’s okay with you) but don’t drive her to the airport to meet her adulterous “friend.” God Bless you.

Thanks 808Catholic.

"Why do you think she told you at all, though?"

I don’t know. Probably a myriad of reasons. To be told she was doing wrong? Sure. But also, I think she told me because keeping the secret isolated her. She may have been feeling strong(ish) at the time. If she was going to be rejected, this was the time for it in her schema?

Or maybe she did want to be devastated. I really don’t know.

There’s a huge difference between knowing someone a week and knowing them for 15 years. When she told me…well it explained a lot of things. I’d seen her drifting, but had no idea why. And she’d been dropping (extremely subtle) hints.

Mostly it just seemed she’d been keeping this from me and no longer wanted to bear the burden of her secret. I am her closest friend. It could not have felt good to be deceiving me. So one day she decides she can’t take it anymore. She’s going to confide in me and suffer the consequences.

I don’t know that there have been any consequences. She agrees with me, this is the wrong thing to do. She’s opting to do it anyway.

I should add she does have a history of staying in situations, where I would not last 10 minutes. We’re opposites like this and we know it. But I have seen her find her way out of messes, eventually.

In her reality…let’s say she is going to quit smoking. She is not going to white knuckle such a thing. She waits until the door opens and then goes through it…successfully.

I’ve come to accept her way is not my way. This is just obviously the case.

I guess I’ll just carry on. I do make remarks on a regular basis. But the focus of our interaction is not this man. We talk about our children, a lot. Dealing with teenagers, heading towards having and empty nest and such.

I guess that one thing I do is draw her attention away from this man. Ultimately, he’s not important the way her kids are.

I mean, this guy is off on vacation with his family, month-long stays in five-star hotels, sneaking phone calls. She’s on the front line with her children, caring for them day to day. Which of these things is real?

The man has no kids by the way. So you can see we have other things to talk about besides what’s his name.

 

[pianistclare]

Again…all these “qualifiers”.

None of it matters. She’s in a dangerous and unhealthy situation.
Implore her to get out. She doesn’t care that it’s something you wouldn’t
do, or you would not stay 10 minutes.
Get her out of there if you’re a friend, or walk away. Simple.
Unless you just want to talk about it here.

 

[808Catholic]

Thanks 808Catholic.

"Why do you think she told you at all, though?"

I don’t know. Probably a myriad of reasons. To be told she was doing wrong? Sure. But also, I think she told me because keeping the secret isolated her. She may have been feeling strong(ish) at the time. If she was going to be rejected, this was the time for it in her schema?

Or maybe she did want to be devastated. I really don’t know.

There’s a huge difference between knowing someone a week and knowing them for 15 years. When she told me…well it explained a lot of things. I’d seen her drifting, but had no idea why. And she’d been dropping (extremely subtle) hints.

Mostly it just seemed she’d been keeping this from me and no longer wanted to bear the burden of her secret. I am her closest friend. It could not have felt good to be deceiving me. So one day she decides she can’t take it anymore. She’s going to confide in me and suffer the consequences.

I don’t know that there have been any consequences. She agrees with me, this is the wrong thing to do. She’s opting to do it anyway.

I should add she does have a history of staying in situations, where I would not last 10 minutes. We’re opposites like this and we know it. But I have seen her find her way out of messes, eventually.

In her reality…let’s say she is going to quit smoking. She is not going to white knuckle such a thing. She waits until the door opens and then goes through it…successfully.

I’ve come to accept her way is not my way. This is just obviously the case.

I guess I’ll just carry on. I do make remarks on a regular basis. But the focus of our interaction is not this man. We talk about our children, a lot. Dealing with teenagers, heading towards having and empty nest and such.

I guess that one thing I do is draw her attention away from this man. Ultimately, he’s not important the way her kids are.

I mean, this guy is off on vacation with his family, month-long stays in five-star hotels, sneaking phone calls. She’s on the front line with her children, caring for them day to day. Which of these things is real?

The man has no kids by the way. So you can see we have other things to talk about besides what’s his name.

I’d suggest your friend suffers from too much pride. Your comment that she finds a way out of situations eventually strikes me of my past when I believed I was so clever I could always get away with things. I didn’t see that God was giving me a way out and that it was His hand on the door holding it open and not me just being “lucky”! I suspect you recognize that God cares for your friend as well but she just doesn’t see it yet. Keep praying for her as we pray for you! God Bless you.

 

[NewishCath]

Thank you so much. I so appreciate your prayers.