My friend may be bipolar

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MNdan

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Hello all,

i posted a while back about my friends who may be getting divorced. A little background, I am friends with both and the woman for about 12 years the guy is my best friend and we have been together for nearly all of our 29 years on this planet. They were married 5 years ago. after talking to some friends of hers and talking to my guy friend directly, i seriously think she may be bipolar. By no means am i able to diagnosis this, but it sure sounds like it.

Does anyone have any experience with friends or relatives who are bipolar? What can you say to them? how did you get them to go to a doctor? She is very resistant to talking to any of her old friends. (there are two that she talks to, who i have been talking too as well and finding out some of these things, we all went to high school together). I am hoping she will meet with me sometime this week to talk, but she seems to be giving me the cold shoulder.

Is there anyway to show her i am worried about her and want her to get help, not just for the marriage, but for her own well being?

I think she will blow me off and probably wont give me the time of day, and even if she does, it is going to look like i am coming from my guy friends aide and want to convince her stay in the marriage, which is not true, i want to help her, i think she is mentally sick.

She basically has said that the church doctrine isn’t right (divorce) and that she knows that she is right with God and that any opportunity she is getting now is what God has planned for her. She was Lutheran and was always very active in the church, but now she has abandoned everything and everyone. I am so very worried about her, i just don’t know what to do.

Thanks again for all your help and prayers

Dan
 
We can’t diagnose over the Internet, but when I was in my manic phases of bipolar I believed I was being led by God to do some strange things.

Alan
 
AlanFromWichita said:
We can’t diagnose over the Internet, but when I was in my manic phases of bipolar I believed I was being led by God to do some strange things.

Alan
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I can’t diagnose when i am face to face. 🙂

Alan, you are bipolar? If can ask, how did you come to figure out you were? Did friends, family help you? do it on your own?

i don’t mean to be nosey, just trying to figure things out.
 
MNdan said:
Does anyone have any experience with friends or relatives who are bipolar? What can you say to them? how did you get them to go to a doctor?

She basically has said that the church doctrine isn’t right (divorce) and that she knows that she is right with God and that any opportunity she is getting now is what God has planned for her. She was Lutheran and was always very active in the church, but now she has abandoned everything and everyone. I am so very worried about her, i just don’t know what to do.
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It sounds very suspicious.

The problem is that every BPer is different. Some cycle between extremes of mania and depression in literally five minutes. For others it can take a year.

One important thing your friend can do is take a cool look at the couple’s money. Make sure that she can’t spend it all at once. It is even more difficult to prevent unwise sexual adventures, and it seems this lady has convinced herself that God is calling her to them. However you can warn and maybe even issue threats to potential suitors.

However there is usually a stage where the person has enough functioning for actions to be rationalised and defended. In the absence of a diagnosis, it can be very difficult.
 
Hi,

I will admit, I am not 100% sure how hard it is to diagnose. My mother has been diagnosed with Bipolar since I was 7 (when she was 35 but she apparently battled with depression since college or maybe longer). It is very likely what caused my parent’s divorce. I can tell you in general the symptoms I notice with my mother:
  1. Narcisicm: they are very consumed with themselves, and want others to acknowledge them. They will not admit when they are wrong. And they are slow to notice things wrong with others (not always but quite often). This is probably due to the cycling between manic and depressive states.
  2. Manic state: makes lots of plans, spends lots of money, calls a lot/e-mails a lot/ spends lots of time with friends, stays up really late and gets up very early (insomnia)
  3. Depressive state: stays in room as much as possible, doesn’t talk for long periods of time, doesn’t maintain relationships, everything (even “fun”) becomes a stress and a chore, conversations feel superficial and forced, may have tremors or other nervous habits (nail biting, heavy breathing, shifting weight from foot to foot, stammering)
  4. Irrationality: makes strange comments and you cannot rationalize with them
  5. Guilt tripping: they are masters at passive agressiveness—possibly brought on by narisism
  6. Denial: will not or else are very slow to admit problem, medication complience varies (usually might be reluctant until they realize what their manic states can do to others)
  7. Judgemental: when someone makes a mistake they become a “bad” person----forever! It is very hard to redeem oneself once they become this “black” character. That is what happened to my father----everything he did became wrong, and she no longer made an effort, when she finally said she didn’t love him and wouldn’t go to counseling—my dad didn’t see the use in making any more effort (this is after 22ish years of marriage!)
The important thing to realize is that you CANNOT change them. Once you start taking responsibility for them, you WILL be disappointed. So don’t get overly involved if you can help it. Be her friend, but take care of YOU! I went to several years of counseling during my final years at home (they divorsed when I was 17) and then a couple years while starting out in college (about 550 miles away…I needed space). It is very easy to get immeshed into these people’s issues. So as much as you want to help your friend, be careful about your own healthy and wellbeing.

I will keep you and your friends in my prayers! I really hope that you can be of help to your friend, but remember, it isn’t your responsibility 🙂 God bless!
 
Footprints04 said:
Hi,

…

The important thing to realize is that you CANNOT change them. Once you start taking responsibility for them, you WILL be disappointed. So don’t get overly involved if you can help it. Be her friend, but take care of YOU! I went to several years of counseling during my final years at home (they divorsed when I was 17) and then a couple years while starting out in college (about 550 miles away…I needed space). It is very easy to get immeshed into these people’s issues. So as much as you want to help your friend, be careful about your own healthy and wellbeing.

I will keep you and your friends in my prayers! I really hope that you can be of help to your friend, but remember, it isn’t your responsibility 🙂 God bless!
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thank you so much for sharing, and thank you for your prayers.

did your mom ever go to a a doctor to get help? Are you still on speaking terms with your mom and dad? do they have a relationship anymore?

I know that i cant fix everything, but like most guys, we like to fix things. your advice is very wise, and i need to remember it so i do not come on too strong if i talk to her.

You have been a great help

Thank you
 
I am so glad I can be of help…and my boyfriend tells me the same thing: that guys try to fix things as much as they can. I can completely understand that.

My mom did go to a doctor----it is necessary, especially for meds. It is important to try and go to a “younger” doctor since many med school/residency programs now can offer specializations in this. However, whomever she can see would be just fine at this point. They will probably do mood stabilizers (Lithium is widely used) and possibly a hypnotic for sleep (such as Seroquel). But the things is, bipolar is very hard to regulate. Therefore, she will probably be trying out many different meds for the rest of her life. It just seems that for a condition like this, something will work for awhile but then things need changed up. It is just the nature of depression/manic type illnesses (I am a pharmacy student so I am learning about a lot of these things beyond just my own experience 😉 ).

My parents are still divorced, and in the end it was a little bit of a messy divorse. I mean they are civil-ish. But they do not talk to each other unless it is necessary for negotiations or for my or my brother’s sake. In general their relationship was dissolved…a lot of it was due to my dad’s frustration with her. But as her daughter I cannot “divorce” her like my dad can. But I was able to create boundries for my own sake (for my own sanity).

Yes, I am still on speaking terms with my parents…but as a result of moving away it helped me become my own person 🙂 After now about 4 years away from home, I’m starting to be able to interact with my mom without continually losing patience and snapping at her.

My father and I grew very close after the divorce, but a combination of things made us grow apart a little. First, he’s now living out of the country and is very busy. Second, I now have another “guy” in my life, who is very stable and much more of a solid support for me. My dad is no longer the only man in my life so obviously he is now no longer my only confidante. Thirdly, I am rediscovering my faith in a different way than my father. I am much more of an orthodox Catholic whereas my dad has grown away from the Church more in recent years. He looks down on my decision to practice NFP in a future marriage, and he also doesn’t believe in the infalibility of the Church (partially since the Denver Archdiocese will not grant an annulment since my mom convinced them not to----I still am not sure of the particulars beyond that my mom did not tell the whole truth, but that is another LONG story). He is currently in a sexually active “commited” relationship with another woman and has been for about 4 years now. She is Episcopalian, and has had multiple partners in her life (including one failed marriage). While she is a wonderful person and is incredibly nice to my brother and I…it is a little hard for me to accept this piece of my father’s relationship since I am a virgin and intend to stay that way till I am married…but I digress…sorry

In any case, I am still on speaking terms with my parents, but I have grown into my own person. Growing up in a household like this makes if very hard not to become immeshed in one or the other parent. Partially because I think that the parent who is “well” becomes a lifeline since they understand what the other is going through and can be the support.

So yeah…long post, but I hope I answered your question…let me know if you have more…I am not offended by any question about this! I am happy to try and help as much as possible 🙂
 
Just because you think she may be a bit strange doesn’t mean she’s bipolar. Bipolar seems to be a big buzz word that is attached to anyone who might appear to be a bit different than the norm. Be careful.

Also, she has a husband who has to deal with her on a much more intimate level and knows her much better than you. Let him be the one to confront her about any problems she may have.
 
LeahInancsi said:
Just because you think she may be a bit strange doesn’t mean she’s bipolar. Bipolar seems to be a big buzz word that is attached to anyone who might appear to be a bit different than the norm. Be careful.

Also, she has a husband who has to deal with her on a much more intimate level and knows her much better than you. Let him be the one to confront her about any problems she may have.
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i totally agree with you. I know little about biploarism, but i do know that she is showing all the signs of it. That is why i am hoping she will go see a doctor/

I wish she would talk to her husband and she would go to counseling with him, but she will not. She went from being in a marriage where both people worked too much, but were realtively happy, to wanting divorce in about 3 weeks time, and she will not hear him at all. She has basically shut out everyone, him, her family, most of her friends. I tried calling her and left a message on monday, i have yet to hear a response.

She won’t listen to anyone, ecspecially her husband. I hope i am worng about her being bipolar, from what i have read, it is an awful illness.
 
I originally allowed this thread to stay open because the OP asked about seeking ways in which to show his support to his wife’s friend. But since the thread has degenerated into a discussion about the supposed diagnosis criteria of bi-polar, it is now closed. Please consult a medical professional if you are interested in learning an accurate sense of what constitutes bi-polar disorder.
 
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