My Friend Might Be Interested

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AnolisSagrei

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I just realized that I might have a little problem. :o Well, it’s not really a problem per se, but I am not sure how to handle it.

I am very, very good friends with a guy. We have been friends for over a year although we knew of each other for longer, and it’s been a very wonderful, fulfilling friendship thus far. We’ve gotten to know each other very well, and we’ve found that we are, in many ways, very similar to each other. We have a lot of love and respect for each other. We’ve been through good times and bad with each other so I’ve seen all his sides so to speak, as much a friend can, and he’s seen that of mine as well. And he’s been nothing but a gentleman.

When we first became friends, neither of us were interested in dating anyone. Long story there, but it just wasn’t in our radar. We bonded strongly over our shared Faith and interests (most of which are rather unusual).

However, I have noticed that he seems to be acting different lately. Like acting protective of me, more so than usual. For example, I had told him about a guy that was harassing me and he became rather angry at the guy and said he wish he had been there, because that guy wouldn’t have even had a chance. And he has been referring to me with terms of endearment like “dear”. Very sweetly and politely, of course, as he always is. And whereas before the initiation of contact (whether by phone, etc.) was generally always 50/50, he is now almost always “getting to it first”. Just little things like that which make me think that he’s thinking of more than merely platonic friendship.

What do I think of this? Well, I love him dearly and have a very great admiration and respect for him. He absolutely would be a fine husband and father. I just wonder how I should handle it if he asks. Because I have a problem with immediate rejecting things so suddenly announced. I would be interested if he asked. But I’m not even sure if he is truly interested or if he is just feeling more comfortable. Someone told me to flirt with him just a little bit but I don’t know how to do that (I have social anxiety and it might just go flat or go bad…). I am not sure what I should do. I’m also starting my third year of college this fall, and I wonder if it’s smart to date during college? He would be, and is, totally supportive of me finishing my degree and he would never push for me to do something I wouldn’t want.

I’m not blind to his faults, and neither is he to mine. I feel in a way this is a real advantage because I’ve had a chance to see this man for who he is without hormones clouding my judgement.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am sorry for the length of this, I know I am just rambling.
 
I can only speak from the guy’s perspective, but the woman getting just a little bit too close generally gets me the message… And makes me blush a bit since I have kinda fair skin >_<

I’m not implying anything dirty FYI XD I could see how you could misread that one. What I basically mean is get into his personal space.

Lol, I dunno, like I said, it works on me.

Lol x 2 is that you sound like someone I know. She is shy and claimed to be uninterested in dating. So if you are her feel free to take my advice and I’ll definitely get the message 🙂
 
I am not sure what you are asking.

Why do anything differently? If you get along, and he is more protective of you and you like it, great. If he calls you dear and it’s okay with you, great.

Don’t overthink this. Don’t get ahead of yourself, or him. Just enjoy your time together as you always have. He will let you know if he is interested.
 
I’m sorry, I truly didn’t insert a question, did I? No wonder it doesn’t make much sense.

I guess my main question is, how do I handle this? I do like him being more protective of me, etc. I wasn’t planning on really doing anything different, as I assume that he will make his interest known if that is the case. What I am more worried about is giving off “bad vibes” before he does ask, thus discouraging him. I have been told by my peers that I tend to react in a hostile manner to suggestions of dating and the like, at least in body language if not outright which also happens. But I have been also known to misread people and think that they mean something they do not, so it is possible he is not interested in me in that manner, so I don’t want to be the one suggesting it to him.

Do you think just responding positively to his “advances” (perceived anyway) is enough? I call him dear now (hope he doesn’t think I’m just copying him), I accept his protectiveness (which I really do appreciate, actually), I am enthusiastic about his initiation of contact, etc. and it’s all very natural because I really do appreciate it. Does anyone have any advice for me on this? I have Aspergers which he seems to really understand, so I am probably worrying for nothing, but a lot of these dating and social rituals everyone else understands and takes for granted is a foreign language to me.
 
I respectfully submit that you should just gently ask him if his intentions have changed. No one wants to rock the boat, and guys these days are pretty sensitive to being rejected, due to many frightening displays of nuclear rejection in pop culture. He may not want to risk losing you as a friend if he’s not 100% sure you would reciprocate his feelings.

Couch the conversation humbly, in a way that allows you both an “out” if it’s just a misunderstanding, but don’t make it seem like it’s so ridiculous you’d be shocked if he said yes. For example, you might say something like, “I hope I’m not being silly, but lately it seems like you’re treating me as more than just a friend. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I’m not, it seems unkind to leave you hanging in orbit. I’m pretty sure you know I want to finish school, so we might not be able to pursue anything serious for a while, but I am open to the idea - that is, if you are.”

Of course, don’t say you’re open to the idea if you aren’t really. If it is unkind to let him “hang in orbit” unknowing, it would be more unkind to lead him on when you really don’t think there is a chance. Still, it sounds like you are interested in finding out his intentions and willing to let that lead where ever it may.

As always, pray for guidance to say the right thing and treat him with love and compassion.

*Edited:

Just saw that you mentioned you have Asperger’s. Given that, this may be a bit of a Catch-22, but I think that actually validates my suggestion of a gentle discussion more so. After all, if you have been mistaken, you have a very easy out (“Oops, just my social awkwardness then!”) but if you are right, you give him a chance to talk to you on your terms, so that he doesn’t have to fear he will catch you off guard (which he probably knows you would not handle well, by your admission, as I’ve understood it). Assuming you can work up the gumption to ask (I realize this is not necessarily a simple task), having such a conversation may be the easiest way for you both to move forward.
 
PeopleGrowing, thank you for the advice!

Right now is a poor time to ask, as he just discovered that one of his parents is afflicted with a terminal condition and he needs my support right now without anything that could add to the tumult of emotions (I must assume) are going on in his life. At least that is how I would feel if I were in his shoes. I’m not sure when would be an acceptable time. Right now it is really killing me inside to see him in so much pain. 😦

He’s been acting even more differently lately…telling me that he misses me, that he wishes he could cook me his special recipe, that he is so grateful to have met me, and even discussing “family life” and children and such in an abstract or hypothetical way. The more I think about it and read back through our messages (our written communication, not in person and phone stuff obviously), the more it seems he is getting more personal and tender-hearted than usual.

Well, I will see what happens, but I feel so much for him right now. Prayers for him and his mom would be appreciated.
 
I am not sure you really need to ask him anything. It is pretty obvious that he considers you more than a friend, I believe. He will probably come to lean on you now, even more with one of his parents being ill. He will most likely wish to talk to you and spend time with you as his support system.

Of course we will pray for them. 🙂
 
AnolisSagrei, I am so sorry to hear that his mother is ill. Of course I will say a prayer for him, her, and the whole family. I expect you’re right that this isn’t the best time for such a discussion, but I am sure he will need to lean on you. Just be there for him, and I am sure if things don’t become clear in their own time, then an opportunity will present itself. (But I rather expect you won’t have to do anything but be patient and sympathetic)
 
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