My gay brother, who became wealthy after our parents passed away, has cut off communication with all his siblings. Were we wrong here?

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daynaC

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I just want to start off by saying that I do not judge or condemn anyone in a hurtful way, I absolutely love people for who they but not at the expense of pretending what’s wrong is right.

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, one of my brothers happens to be gay. My siblings accepted my brother and love him unconditionally, and during Christmas (and other events) our entire families would get together. One of my sisters (the oldest) made an ultimatum during the holidays, that we just didn’t want our brother to bring over his boyfriend during the holidays. We love him and may not have minded he bring over his significant other in most circumstances, but during the holidays we had our children attend. The basic crux of why we all as siblings agreed to this is because we didn’t want our children to see and think it was perfectly normal and okay. It’s not that my brother would start kissing and whatnot to his boyfriend, it’s just they would be “open” about being a couple. Since we noticed this before we had children, we decided that whenever we had children present we didn’t want to expose children to that.

My brother loved my mother very much and would attend mostly for her. She was also the one to always make exceptions to his lifestyle so this did cause some heated arguments between my older sister and her. When my mom (unbeknownst to us) made an exception to our holiday rule, it’s safe to say it was a very tense Christmas that year.

Ever since that moment, he’s been bitter. Even though we loved and always accepted him, he never got over the fact that we made the holiday rule.

My parents (subsequent to that Christmas) died in a car accident a few months later. This brought all 5 siblings together and eventually, when things got less hectic during our grieving period, our brother had cut off all communication with us. For the past 4 years he hasn’t spoken to any of us, not one text or phone call or facebook message. We’ve made multiple attempts at contacting him but he never replies.

We come to find out that during those years of no contact, he had moved to San Jose and started a company with a few of his friends, which ended up selling to a bigger technology company. He’s obviously done well for himself and will never have to worry about money again, though he still won’t get over that single Christmas event. The only contact he made was with my other brother in which he said the only reason we were contacting him was “for his money”, which is ridiculous in every way. My sister even tried apologizing for making him feel the way he felt, but he doesn’t care, he’s become heartless to the family he still has.

Are we struggling financially? In our small town where jobs are scarce, sure, but we’re not expecting a handout. His nieces and nephews have suffered as well, as their Uncle doesn’t call during birthdays or Christmas. While he’s out driving a lamborghini (which he is not afraid to show off on Facebook), we are making ends meet and saving up for our children, even my husband and I are struggling to pay our bills. To him all of us we no longer exist. Every Christmas he isn’t there. Even during his birthday when we mail him cards, it’s always returned back. Sometimes I think that perhaps we were wrong, and feel guilty about it, but my congregation and everyone I’ve relayed this story to thinks we were just standing up for our convictions.

So I ask you all, were we wrong? What would you do in my position?
 
You were wrong. If you sincerely regret what you did and want to make amends, I would write him a long, sincere letter apologizing. And then I would invite him and his partner to join your family for Christmas this year.

If you can’t do that, then it’s probably less painful for him to ignore you than to try to stay in touch with you when he knows you don’t really accept him.

Let me ask you this: If your sister had had a child out of wedlock, would you not let that niece or nephew attend Christmas because it would be awkward to explain to your kids?
 
You are free to make your rules for your holiday gatherings, and he is free to refrain from coming because he doesn’t agree with your rules. He is living a life that you do not think is something your children should witness, so he is living it totally out of sight of your children. That is his choice. Just as he does not get to pick and choose what part of your convictions he is going to experience, just so he can decide that you do not get to pick and choose. That doesn’t mean that you did the wrong thing. It means that you chose a course with consequences, as all your choices had.

None of us can tell you how things would have turned out if you had handled things differently. With no contact from your brother, you don’t necessarily even know that this is entirely about holidays or even has to do with nothing other than his homosexuality. You don’t know that. This could have to do with a rift in your relationship that goes a long ways back, a rift so great that only your parents kept him anywhere near you. IOW, you could be going through the exact same thing if he was married and had brought his wife for every Christmas. Now that he has money, though, and you did not pursue him at all before he got it, he is not going to believe that you have an interest in him apart from his money. That is sad, but it is where you are. I hope you get beyond that, but do realize that this may have everything to do with your treatment of him as a homosexual with a partner, or it may have very little to do with that at all. As you continue to try to get into contact with him, realize that you probably have many years of listening to do before you are going to get listening back from him.
 
daynaC said:
I just want to start off by saying that I do not judge or condemn anyone in a hurtful way, I absolutely love people for who they but not at the expense of pretending what’s wrong is right.

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, one of my brothers happens to be gay. My siblings accepted my brother and love him unconditionally, and during Christmas (and other events) our entire families would get together. One of my sisters (the oldest) made an ultimatum during the holidays, that we just didn’t want our brother to bring over his boyfriend during the holidays. We love him and may not have minded he bring over his significant other in most circumstances, but during the holidays we had our children attend. The basic crux of why we all as siblings agreed to this is because we didn’t want our children to see and think it was perfectly normal and okay. It’s not that my brother would start kissing and whatnot to his boyfriend, it’s just they would be “open” about being a couple. Since we noticed this before we had children, we decided that whenever we had children present we didn’t want to expose children to that.

My brother loved my mother very much and would attend mostly for her. She was also the one to always make exceptions to his lifestyle so this did cause some heated arguments between my older sister and her. When my mom (unbeknownst to us) made an exception to our holiday rule, it’s safe to say it was a very tense Christmas that year.

Ever since that moment, he’s been bitter. Even though we loved and always accepted him, he never got over the fact that we made the holiday rule.

My parents (subsequent to that Christmas) died in a car accident a few months later. This brought all 5 siblings together and eventually, when things got less hectic during our grieving period, our brother had cut off all communication with us. For the past 4 years he hasn’t spoken to any of us, not one text or phone call or facebook message. We’ve made multiple attempts at contacting him but he never replies.

We come to find out that during those years of no contact, he had moved to San Jose and started a company with a few of his friends, which ended up selling to a bigger technology company. He’s obviously done well for himself and will never have to worry about money again, though he still won’t get over that single Christmas event. The only contact he made was with my other brother in which he said the only reason we were contacting him was “for his money”, which is ridiculous in every way. My sister even tried apologizing for making him feel the way he felt, but he doesn’t care, he’s become heartless to the family he still has.

Are we struggling financially? In our small town where jobs are scarce, sure, but we’re not expecting a handout. His nieces and nephews have suffered as well, as their Uncle doesn’t call during birthdays or Christmas. While he’s out driving a lamborghini (which he is not afraid to show off on Facebook), we are making ends meet and saving up for our children, even my husband and I are struggling to pay our bills. To him all of us we no longer exist. Every Christmas he isn’t there. Even during his birthday when we mail him cards, it’s always returned back. Sometimes I think that perhaps we were wrong, and feel guilty about it, but my congregation and everyone I’ve relayed this story to thinks we were just standing up for our convictions.

So I ask you all, were we wrong? What would you do in my position?
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If a family member with whom you had always celebrated the holidays suddenly told you that you were no longer welcome, would you not think s/he no longer loved you? You say that you loved and accepted him, but your actions spoke louder than words. I notice you said your DS apologized for “making him feel” that way. She did not apologize for what she did.

So now you have become wealthy and these same people who told you that they did not want to be in your presence and are now in a poor financial situation have attempted to reconcile. What would you believe?

You may have felt that you were standing up for your beliefs, but he felt that you were rejecting him. Why would he want to be part of your family now?
 
Your brother felt rejected and in turn has now rejected you and your family. Perhaps there could have been a kinder way to deal with the gay partner during holidays. You were not wrong to protect your children but ultimately your children need to learn right from wrong and their Catholic faith at home so they can deal with whatever life throws at them including a gay uncle. As they get older they will run into the gay culture every where and you cannot shield them from it. Consult the catechism for the Catholic perspective concerning gays.
Pray for your brother and talk to a priest about this situation and continue to send a birthday and Christmas card to your brother even if he rejects them. This problem may take many years to resolve but all of you may need that time to gain a different perspective. And never ever talk to him about his wealth or ask for a loan! Don’t be that person.
 
I would not use the term “wrong” but I don’t think your family handled the Christmas celebration in a loving way.

It is unclear if you are not looking for his money why you are mentioning you are struggling to pay bills. Do you think he should send you money?

I have who is a devout Catholic whose daughter is gay. Her daughter understands what she thinks about this relationship. Her other siblings do not agree with the gay lifestyle. They all have kids and they celebrate holidays together. In today’s world kids are going to grow up with gay couples around them. I just thought it was very sad you told your brother he could not bring his partner with him and I don’t blame him for setting his own rules as well.
 
If your mother or father or other sibling got remarried outside the church would you tell them to leave their spouse at home for the holidays?
 
I think it is too late to get a chuck of his money now, you ruined your chance.
 
Honestly, I am not sure that I believe that you don’t want his money, as you keep bringing it up and even included it in the thread title.

Honestly, I don’t really blame your brother. He grew up, found a partner, started his own business, and is doing well. His family told him that they love and accept him, but don’t want his family around for the holidays. He tolerated the tension and hurt for the sake of your parents, which was very good of him. But when they died he decided that he didn’t want anything to do with his family of origin if they couldn’t accept the family that he had built.

Sounds normal to me.
 
I understand him being hurt, but at the same time, that’s a product of a world that is trying to force everyone to turn a blind eye to immorality. I think you’re well within your rights to ask him not to flaunt immorality in front of your children. The fact that others in society are exposing children to this doesn’t mean that we, as parents, have to expose our children to it.

ETA: EasterJoy is absolutely right. There could be way more to this, too.
 
Is your brother the sort to kiss and hold hands in front of your kids? My family member is not that way at all. His partner was introduced as simply a friend. Nothing went wrong. A good time was had by all. The kids know what the church says. No one knows if they are chaste, no one is going to ask.

Interesting way you started the topic: “Re: My gay brother, who became wealthy after our parents passed away, has cut off communication with all his siblings. Were we wrong here?” What does his being wealthy have to do with this?

I don’t blame him. Maybe some day he will do the Christian thing and turn the other cheek, maybe not. I have rich people in my family, I am going through hard times, REAL hard times. I haven’t asked them for a dime.
 
Despite strident views one way or the other, we can’t say whether you did right or wrong. You have a right to manage (to the extent possible) the time and place at which your children learn about and are exposed to the realities of gay couples. Your brother has an obligation to be sensitive to your concerns. You also have an obligation to interact with your brother with love, compassion and sensitivity.

Factors bearing on how you might handle the situation, or whether you handled it well, include: The basis of your convictions regarding gay couples, the age of your children, the nature of the particular gay relationship, the concession to their presence that the gay couple are willing to make, the manner in which the matter was raised with your brother.

Your brother does seem to have upped the ante significantly - his decision to have no contact at all seems to be an escalation - it suggests either that he is uncompromising, or that you are (or you handled it badly).

I do sense you have some resentment that he is now wealthy (otherwise, I can’t see what caused you to mention it, as it seems to be irrelevant). The fact of his wealth should not have any bearing on your relationship.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Honestly, I am not sure that I believe that you don’t want his money, as you keep bringing it up and even included it in the thread title.

Honestly, I don’t really blame your brother. He grew up, found a partner, started his own business, and is doing well. His family told him that they love and accept him, but don’t want his family around for the holidays. He tolerated the tension and hurt for the sake of your parents, which was very good of him. But when they died he decided that he didn’t want anything to do with his family of origin if they couldn’t accept the family that he had built.

Sounds normal to me.
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All of our responses are influenced by our perspective. Presumably BEL has a perspective that homosexual relationship are a reality, a natural “right”, and ought to be accepted with the same ease as, say, a married heterosexual relationship (probably a view shared by the brother.) Others start from a different place.

**
 
To me, the original post reads like a person perceived their relative as ‘wrong’ and ‘sinful’ and now he’s gone and made himself far more of a nice life than the rest of his relatives and they’re now suffering a bad case of sour grapes: “We’re so good, he’s so bad, how come our lives are horrible and his is lovely?”

The whole thing, from start to finish, reads as an exercise in being deeply uncharitable towards the brother. And, for that matter, the children being “protected” - as if they’re going to magically avoid the whole issue of homosexuality if they’re just ‘protected’ from their big bad gay uncle.

I’m on the uncle’s side. He’s better off without his surviving biological family clearly - other than the fact that they’ve very clearly left him with a continuing very bad taste in the mouth if he’s returning mail he receives from them.

Perhaps the rest of the family need to take account of the maxim: Judge not lest ye yourselves be judged. Because, to my eyes, they’re being found wanting.
 
Rau said:
All of our responses are influenced by our perspective. Presumably BEL has a perspective that homosexual relationship are a reality, a natural “right”, and ought to be accepted with the same ease as, say, a married heterosexual relationship (probably a view shared by the brother.) Others start from a different place.

**

It doesn’t come from the belief that gay relationships are “right” at all. It comes from my experiences with my own brother and some of the gems he brought into our family before finally meeting his wonderful wife.

The most notable is the drug addicted stripper that cheated on him and served 2 years in prison over the course of their relationship. Did our family like her? Of course not. Did we think that being with her could ruin his life? We were terrified of it. Did we want her around? Not at all.

We knew it wouldn’t work out, we knew it would destroy him, and we knew that this whole situation was awful. My mom didn’t particularly want this woman around me (I was a kid at the time), but she set a few ground rules for what could be brought up in my presence and then just kept a watchful eye.

But he was my brother and my mom’s son. He was planning on marrying this woman, and as much as we hated it, we knew we wouldn’t win against her. Nothing would have been accomplished by saying that she couldn’t come around. He would have chosen her over us, and even if they broke up, he would always remember that his family couldn’t get over their issues to accept the woman he was going to marry. I’m not sure he ever would have come back to us.
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You did what you believed would be best for your children, and that is something you should not regret at all. Whether or not this was the most charitable way of doing so is not my place to say; there are different dynamics that take place in each family. The better question would be to ask if you are willing to accept the consequences of your decision, whether it be negative or positive, which is what I think the real problem is. The way I read the title of your post is that you doubt your actions because of the repercussions. You seem to be wondering whether or not you did the right thing. Could your actions have been so bad that your brother is justified in breaking all contact and holding back financial support for his struggling family? Is this what you deserve? That is how I read this between the lines anyway. Pardon me if I am mistaken.

I don’t think that simply because you included the money issue that you plan on contacting him just for that reason. However, although you may not consciously plan on asking for his financial support, you may have feelings of bitterness. It is normal that you feel at least something seeing as how you are struggling compared to your brother’s financial success. I believe that much is true for you to mention your difficulties in your post.

As I said, you did what you thought was best for your kids and stood up for your faith, which is good. What is important now is to look at the present and future. If you are unsure as to what is best in acting charitably towards your brother from now on, please speak to an orthodox priest or spiritual guide, who knows your family situation well if possible.

For the future, it’s important to explain to your children at home first that you must love everyone as children of God, although that does not mean accepting their behaviors. Teaching children this message is crucial but always tricky. Trying to set an example is important, but making sure the right message gets across is as well. I can understand the difficulty.

I can only suggest that if you truly wish to reconnect with your brother, to continue to try to contact him, regardless of whether he responds or not. Keep the line open. There’s no guarantee he’ll ever respond, but at least you do your part in trying to reach out. Rather than expect him to respond --though hoping is always great, send him messages that simply convey your love and concern. It will be difficult if the reason for his distancing really is about his homosexual lifestyle, to which you will have to disagree with. It’s normal that he would feel rejected and angry. Sometimes, the choices we make as faithful Catholics will lead to less than ideal results that we wish for.

As for the rest, pray for him, for yourself, and your family. You’ll be in my prayers. I hope your situation, money and relationship-wise, turns around soon.
 
As many others have said, I’m not sure why you repeatedly brought up the issue of his money – or even mentioned it at all – and, IMHO, I think it’s playing a larger role than you’re letting on. I’d ask yourself, OP, if the situation would be the same (especially severity, importance) if he weren’t wealthy. If the answer is anything but a sure, resounding “yes” (it WOULD be the same), then you should do some praying on why. Frankly, I don’t blame him for thinking you’re only contacting him for money, regardless of his lifestyle.

Regarding the other issue: you as a parent have the right to control what your children are exposed to. Beyond that, I can’t tell you if you were “right” or “wrong.” We have no idea of a NUMBER of variables that can affect that judgment, e.g. how old your children are; if they already knew about said uncle and his partner – and if they did, how they learned about it and/or how you explained it; how the couple acted around the children; if you had discussed with the couple any concessions like limiting their behavior, referring to themselves differently, etc.; if the couple is chaste or not; how respectful your brother and his partner are towards your beliefs; what your beliefs are AND how you’ve expressed/acted on those beliefs (i.e. are you acting in line with Catholic teaching, or are you more in line with some Christians who speak/act in a legitimately hateful way); and (of course) any other details you’re not telling us.

Speak to a priest/your spiritual director. That’s all I can suggest.
 
daynaC said:
I just want to start off by saying that I do not judge or condemn anyone in a hurtful way, I absolutely love people for who they but not at the expense of pretending what’s wrong is right.

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, one of my brothers happens to be gay. My siblings accepted my brother and love him unconditionally, and during Christmas (and other events) our entire families would get together. One of my sisters (the oldest) made an ultimatum during the holidays, that we just didn’t want our brother to bring over his boyfriend during the holidays. We love him and may not have minded he bring over his significant other in most circumstances, but during the holidays we had our children attend. The basic crux of why we all as siblings agreed to this is because we didn’t want our children to see and think it was perfectly normal and okay. It’s not that my brother would start kissing and whatnot to his boyfriend, it’s just they would be “open” about being a couple. Since we noticed this before we had children, we decided that whenever we had children present we didn’t want to expose children to that.

My brother loved my mother very much and would attend mostly for her. She was also the one to always make exceptions to his lifestyle so this did cause some heated arguments between my older sister and her. When my mom (unbeknownst to us) made an exception to our holiday rule, it’s safe to say it was a very tense Christmas that year.

Ever since that moment, he’s been bitter. Even though we loved and always accepted him, he never got over the fact that we made the holiday rule.

My parents (subsequent to that Christmas) died in a car accident a few months later. This brought all 5 siblings together and eventually, when things got less hectic during our grieving period, our brother had cut off all communication with us. For the past 4 years he hasn’t spoken to any of us, not one text or phone call or facebook message. We’ve made multiple attempts at contacting him but he never replies.

We come to find out that during those years of no contact, he had moved to San Jose and started a company with a few of his friends, which ended up selling to a bigger technology company. He’s obviously done well for himself and will never have to worry about money again, though he still won’t get over that single Christmas event. The only contact he made was with my other brother in which he said the only reason we were contacting him was “for his money”, which is ridiculous in every way. My sister even tried apologizing for making him feel the way he felt, but he doesn’t care, he’s become heartless to the family he still has.

Are we struggling financially? In our small town where jobs are scarce, sure, but we’re not expecting a handout. His nieces and nephews have suffered as well, as their Uncle doesn’t call during birthdays or Christmas. While he’s out driving a lamborghini (which he is not afraid to show off on Facebook), we are making ends meet and saving up for our children, even my husband and I are struggling to pay our bills. To him all of us we no longer exist. Every Christmas he isn’t there. Even during his birthday when we mail him cards, it’s always returned back. Sometimes I think that perhaps we were wrong, and feel guilty about it, but my congregation and everyone I’ve relayed this story to thinks we were just standing up for our convictions.

So I ask you all, were we wrong? What would you do in my position?
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I think there is a lot of sense in EasterJoy’s posts but what strikes me is that your family was willing to welcome and include your brother’s partner at most family occasions, but not at Christmas! I imagine he was extremely hurt and it’s not all that surprising that he has cut off all contact.

The other thing that strikes me is that your post really does sound as though it’s about the money. None of us know if that’s so but it does sound like it to me. You say ‘he’ll never have to worry about money again but he still won’t get over that single Christmas event’. I don’t see how whether or not he has money has any bearing on what he feels about the family’s decision to exclude his partner at Christmas.

OP, what do you want to happen? Would you now be willing to include his partner at Christmas or does the rule still apply? Would you exclude the partner of a family member if they were cohabiting but not married, or divorced and remarried without an annulment?

Have you talked to your priest about any of this?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
… My mom didn’t particularly want this woman around me (I was a kid at the time), but she set a few ground rules for what could be brought up in my presence and then just kept a watchful eye.
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Sounds like your mom managed the situation well, and I assume the couple did not find it difficult to meet your mom’s ground rules.

PS. Is this the lady that your brother married?
 
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