My gay brother, who became wealthy after our parents passed away, has cut off communication with all his siblings. Were we wrong here?

[notwithout]

I agree with Easter Joy. Your family made a choice and now you have to deal with the consequences. I can’t speak for your bother. I don’t know how much your ultimatum hurt his feelings and I don’t know what other issues he may have had with your family so I can’t speak to whether or not his actions were “reasonable.” I can say this though; when you draw a line in the sand you have to do so knowing there’s a chance your loved one will wind up on the other side of the line.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Despite strident views one way or the other, we can’t say whether you did right or wrong. You have a right to manage (to the extent possible) the time and place at which your children learn about and are exposed to the realities of gay couples. Your brother has an obligation to be sensitive to your concerns. You also have an obligation to interact with your brother with love, compassion and sensitivity.

Factors bearing on how you might handle the situation, or whether you handled it well, include: The basis of your convictions regarding gay couples, the age of your children, the nature of the particular gay relationship, the concession to their presence that the gay couple are willing to make, the manner in which the matter was raised with your brother.

Your brother does seem to have upped the ante significantly - his decision to have no contact at all seems to be an escalation - it suggests either that he is uncompromising, or that you are (or you handled it badly).

I do sense you have some resentment that he is now wealthy (otherwise, I can’t see what caused you to mention it, as it seems to be irrelevant). The fact of his wealth should not have any bearing on your relationship.

Are you sure there’s an obligation towards extended family like that?

The word obligation has a profound meaning in our faith, and while American politicians throw that word around, it is not wise to do that on here.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

It does seem odd that you mention your brother’s wealth. What does that have to do with anything? Would it be different if he shunned you and he was poor?

 

[Rau]

Are you sure there’s an obligation towards extended family like that?

The word obligation has a profound meaning in our faith, and while American politicians throw that word around, it is not wise to do that on here.

I am happy with the use of the word “obligation”, but feel free to substitute a suitable synonym.

 

[crochet_lady]

I’d support your decision in regards to your ‘gay’ brother. The Bible / God’s Word teaches Against living the same-sex life style. He apparently realized the potential reaction of having a ‘boyfriend’ joining the family for Christmas. He chose to be mad at the family for their stand. That’s just part of life. He’s doing well in his career and ignoring family – well – that’s also his decision. We need to stand up for our values.

 

[EasterJoy]

If your mother or father or other sibling got remarried outside the church would you tell them to leave their spouse at home for the holidays?

There are definitely families who do treat family members who marry without annulment the same way as if the family member were commiting bigamy in the secular sense (whatever that “way” would be). A family who would not receive the bigamous relationship would also expect to have the couple shun them.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Sounds like your mom managed the situation well, and I assume the couple did not find it difficult to meet your mom’s ground rules.

PS. Is this the lady that your brother married?

No, thank goodness. He was with her for five years, they finally broke up for good, and a couple years later he found out that he had twin sons with her. At the time he was just dating the woman he later married, but she mortgaged her home to fight for his parental rights and eventually joint custody. She’s the single most kind and selfless woman I’ve ever met.

But, if my mom had rejected the first woman, who was admittedly a nightmare, my brother may not have felt as comfortable trying to include us in the family he was hoping to build.

 

[signit]

I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers, one of my brothers happens to be gay. My siblings accepted my brother and love him unconditionally, and during Christmas (and other events) our entire families would get together. One of my sisters (the oldest) made an ultimatum during the holidays, that we just didn’t want our brother to bring over his boyfriend during the holidays. We love him and may not have minded he bring over his significant other in most circumstances, but during the holidays we had our children attend. The basic crux of why we all as siblings agreed to this is because we didn’t want our children to see and think it was perfectly normal and okay. It’s not that my brother would start kissing and whatnot to his boyfriend, it’s just they would be “open” about being a couple. Since we noticed this before we had children, we decided that whenever we had children present we didn’t want to expose children to that.

So I ask you all, were we wrong? What would you do in my position?

First, I won’t say you were wrong. You and the others made a judgment call in your best judgment as a Catholic. I might have made a different call (allow him to attend, then tell the children “that’s not what we believe”).

But:

Are we struggling financially? In our small town where jobs are scarce, sure, but we’re not expecting a handout. His nieces and nephews have suffered as well, as their Uncle doesn’t call during birthdays or Christmas. While he’s out driving a lamborghini (which he is not afraid to show off on Facebook), we are making ends meet and saving up for our children, even my husband and I are struggling to pay our bills.

Agreeing with some of the others; quite frankly, I think this is partly about the money, if only subconsciously.

I get the impression you’re saying, “he knows we’re struggling, and he won’t help us.”

And quite frankly I’m not sympathetic. I never got one dime from members of my extended family who were a lot better off than I was, and I never expected it.

 

[MJJean]

I grew up with a gay uncle. My mom was very liberal and had no problems with him or his partner, Dad was raised Catholic and did not want the partner in our home at all and barely tolerated my mothers brother. In the interest of family peace, they compromised. Uncle and Partner were welcome to visit, but they were asked not ti show physical affection in the presence of the kids. Uncle’s partner was introduced as Uncle’s friend. If Uncle came to visit alone, he stayed at our house. If Partner came with him, they stayed at a hotel. No big deal and the familial relationship was preserved. Partner was treated with respect and kindness as any other guest would be.

Instead of including the partner and asking for no shows of affection your family excluded him and, by extension, excluded your brother. He tolerated the exclusion and the hurt and drama it probably caused in his relationship out of love for your parents. Once they were gone, how else did you all think he would respond other than by distancing himself from a family that doesn’t really accept him and won’t be civil and charitable toward the partner he loves?

Reading your post it looks like you want to reconcile with your brother because he has made something of himself and has some wealth. You seem to think he has some obligation to help his family financially because of their struggles in their economically depressed area. Well, in all reality he has no obligation to help a single one of you after the way you lot have treated him and the partner that was there for him when you were not.

And, really, you think he should help financially with the nieces and nephews that you all decided you didn’t want him and his partner anywhere near? Really? If you all wanted to be in a position to ask him for help for the kids’ sake perhaps you should have nurtured a relationship between the kids and their uncle as well as his “friend” (partner).

 

[jazzy0710]

I most definitely agree with the very first response you got on here from Quasi Catholic.

Also being the sister of an openly gay man in a relationship I can assure you that if we made a rule that his partner was not allowed to come with him to a Christmas get together he would likely
never speak to me again either.

Just like your brother mine is open about being in a relationship with his partner as well. They visited us about a year ago now, wasn’t during the holidays but we had a few family dinners while
they were here. It was the first time we met his partner. Very fascinating man who works at a gym and plays the piano. They never cuddled each other or anything like that.

Do I ever wish my brother was with a woman? Yeah sometimes.Can I make him? No. I may not like it at times but that’s who he is. That’s who he always was and that’s who he will always be. His preference is different but he’s still my big brother who I love to the moon and back.

I am currently pregnant with my first child, due June 21st. I honestly can’t wait for my brother to meet this baby because I know he will be an amazing uncle. When the child is old enough to
comprehend, I will explain to him or her that their uncle is an openly gay man and what it means and that it’s just the way that some people are and that the Lord may not like their lifestyle but he still loves them regardless.

If I were you, I’d keep trying to reach your brother because it sounds like if you could get his forgiveness that he’d be able to visit on a regular basis and now that your parents are both gone, you need one another.

My brother and I are on different sides of the world and both only work for minimum wage. I may get to see him only every several years. I miss him like crazy and would give anything to be able to see him more often.

Best of luck. Praying for you.

 

[Patavium]

Let’s not normalize or start accepting “deviant” behavior. Homosexuality is not normal, and it will never be. There is not gay gene, and it has a lot to do with environmental factors. However, this does not mean we should stop loving and praying for those family members suffering same sex attraction, and even praying more for those family members living homosexuality like it is OK.

Be with your family. They are sinners just like you and living their struggles with sin. Be open to them in the sense of keep praying that they turn to God, and leave their sinful life. Remind them that God loves them. NEVER accept sin because they are family, but love them, because they are sinners and they are family. You can set up rules like no sleeping in the same room in your house (if they want to do this at a hotel, fine), and no public displays of affection while they are visiting, especially in front of the kids.

Rich or poor, sin is sin.

 

[hurtandhealing]

It seems that most posters have read the OP in the same way, but I wonder if anyone has answered the questions based on the information the OP gave.

My parents (subsequent to that Christmas) died in a car accident a few months later. This brought all 5 siblings together and eventually, when things got less hectic during our grieving period, our brother had cut off all communication with us. **For the past 4 years he hasn’t spoken to any of us, not one text or phone call or facebook message. We’ve made multiple attempts at contacting him but he never replies.

We come to find out that during those years of no contact, **he had moved to San Jose and started a company with a few of his friends, which ended up selling to a bigger technology company. He’s obviously done well for himself and will never have to worry about money again, though he still won’t get over that single Christmas event. The only contact he made was with my other brother in which he said the only reason we were contacting him was “for his money”, which is ridiculous in every way. My sister even tried apologizing for making him feel the way he felt, but he doesn’t care, he’s become heartless to the family he still has.

I certainly may be wrong, but I read this that since the parents died, the OP and other siblings have repeatedly tried to contact the brother without reply from him. Sometime recently, they found out that he had moved and made a success of his business and financial life. It seems to me that the brother has rewritten the story that the others hadn’t been trying to contact him all these years and therefore must be looking for his money. It is relevant that the OP and other siblings are/may be struggling because it allows the brother to believe this.

So, I would guess that he is upset about not being accepted as a normal couple in the extended family and has chosen to cut all contact. The financial piece is a good way to do so without bringing his personal life into it. Really, we all have to chose how to deal with these situations. Perhaps all those years ago it would have been better to ask for understanding that you are all raising your children in the Catholic faith and to please respect that by not “acting” as a couple during family events. Perhaps, by just cutting him out that way he was more hurt that none of you would give him the benefit of the doubt. Ultimately, we don’t know and unless/until he is willing to talk, you won’t know.

The hard part as families are twisting themselves with huge variances in morality, we all have to realize that the choices we make have consequences. I don’t know if you can repair this, even if you chose to accept his personal life, but I would suggest continuing to simply send cards, letters, etc., at appropriate times. And pray.

 

[Captain_America]

You were wrong. If you sincerely regret what you did and want to make amends, I would write him a long, sincere letter apologizing. And then I would invite him and his partner to join your family for Christmas this year.

If you can’t do that, then it’s probably less painful for him to ignore you than to try to stay in touch with you when he knows you don’t really accept him.

Let me ask you this: If your sister had had a child out of wedlock, would you not let that niece or nephew attend Christmas because it would be awkward to explain to your kids?

No. This is mistaken.

 

[Captain_America]

Let’s not normalize or start accepting “deviant” behavior. Homosexuality is not normal, and it will never be. There is not gay gene, and it has a lot to do with environmental factors. However, this does not mean we should stop loving and praying for those family members suffering same sex attraction, and even praying more for those family members living homosexuality like it is OK.

Be with your family. They are sinners just like you and living their struggles with sin. Be open to them in the sense of keep praying that they turn to God, and leave their sinful life. Remind them that God loves them. NEVER accept sin because they are family, but love them, because they are sinners and they are family. You can set up rules like no sleeping in the same room in your house (if they want to do this at a hotel, fine), and no public displays of affection while they are visiting, especially in front of the kids.

Rich or poor, sin is sin.

I agree with this. To turn a blind eye to homosexual behavior (or just saying it’s only Jesus who doesn’t “agree” with it) is kind of like turning a blind eye to a wife abuser or old Joe Alcoholic. It doesn’t help at all.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let’s not normalize or start accepting “deviant” behavior. Homosexuality is not normal, and it will never be. There is not gay gene, and it has a lot to do with environmental factors. However, this does not mean we should stop loving and praying for those family members suffering same sex attraction, and even praying more for those family members living homosexuality like it is OK.

Be with your family. They are sinners just like you and living their struggles with sin. Be open to them in the sense of keep praying that they turn to God, and leave their sinful life. Remind them that God loves them. NEVER accept sin because they are family, but love them, because they are sinners and they are family. You can set up rules like no sleeping in the same room in your house (if they want to do this at a hotel, fine), and no public displays of affection while they are visiting, especially in front of the kids.

Rich or poor, sin is sin.

To clarify: The Church accepts that, as the Catechism puts it “The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.” The Church does not go so far as to say what does or does not cause homosexual tendencies or temptations. It could have a genetic component.

For something to be normal, however, it is not sufficient for it to be prevalent. Most sinful inclinations, after all, have some degree of prevalence in the general population. Many serious sinful inclinations, such as the temptation to commit fornication or adultery, have a far greater prevalence in the general population than homosexuality does. The “norm”, however, is the standard, the healthy and right situation. That is a far different thing than the average, the typical, or the common. The day that the average, the typical, or the common becomes the moral standard is the day that moral standards go out the window. Still, while all of us share an inclination to sin, we each have our own cross to bear. We should not beat ourselves up for what we have to struggle with, nor imagine that we are better than someone else who is struggling with a different cross. If their cross is more difficult but they do what the Lord knows was the best they could do with the graces the Lord gave them, then they may easily merit the greater crown in the end, even though they have fallen here and there.

 

[Rau]

AFHGOLD:

What ever you do, do not take advice from Blue Eyed Lady. She is a sever Atheist and has no Catholic belief. She is as secular as they come and when ever she chimes in on a post there is an alternate motive which is in favor of secular way of thinking.

If your posts simply attack others, you will be reported. Address the issues.

 

[Lochias]

AFHGOLD:

What ever you do, do not take advice from Blue Eyed Lady. She is a sever Atheist and has no Catholic belief. She is as secular as they come and when ever she chimes in on a post there is an alternate motive which is in favor of secular way of thinking.

Leave her alone, and don’t be a troll.

As to the OP’s post: Conflicted. Personally speaking, I’m not sure I would have told the guy not to bring his partner around, but I can also see how I would not have necessarily wanted young and impressionable children to see things like holding hands and the like, and I also wouldn’t want to stumble the two of them having quality time under the mistletoe or something (temptation runs high sometimes).

All that being said, you both made a choice, now the consequences are both yours to live with.

The fact that he’s made some money is irrelevant to anything at hand.

 

[bluerose]

I do find it odd that you are even mentioning the money aspect of this.
The most important part of this dilemma, which I am sure you already know and agree with, is the rift in the sibling relationships and how to heal it.
The fact that he may be wealthy now has nothing to do with it–it’s jarring to me that you bring it up.

I’d say you have to understand where he is coming from. If he is in love with his partner and you shun his partner, then you are shunning him, too. If someone told you and your siblings you could not bring your significant other, be it a girlfriend or fiance or spouse, to holiday dinner, you would not take that lightly, either. And you would be devoted to them and very hurt.

If you and your siblings have made this rule, then you must be prepared to live with the consequences…which so far include that you will not have contact with your brother and neither will your kids.
He is living by your rule, he is not attending the family dinner with his boyfriend.

You say all the nieces and nephews are “suffering” too…but I don’t understand why they would be suffering. If you are making a decision about not accepting your brother’s life, for your children’s sake–as you point out–then why should anyone be upset if he doesn’t call on a birthday?
You can’t have both…you can’t hurt his feelings and not accept his life…and then expect him to call on birthdays and such.
I mean, if he sends a Xmas card to you or your siblings, it may include a photo of him and his boyfriend/husband. If he talks to his nieces/nephews, he may mention he’s going on vacation with his boyfriend over the holidays. So if you don’t want your kids to be influenced into thinking it’s “acceptable” to have a same sex relationship, then they should have no contact with your brother because who he is will surface, will come out, around any kind of contact.

He does not want to hide his life. You are asking him to in front of the kids. Therefore, to him, the best way to continue is to not have contact. I understand his feelings here.

You should try to reach out to him, of course, and heal this. But at the same time, respect his wishes not to be in touch with any of you and don’t hold it against him.

His action is in reaction to the family rule and a rule you all set up against his feelings and wishes. So if you feel so strongly about this rule, then you have to take what comes with it.
This rule for all of you is more important to you than how your brother feels. So be it. That’s the truth of the matter and he is responding to that.

.

Regarding the bolded part, you and your siblings laid down the rules to “protect” your children. Yet now, in spite of the fact that the rules have effectively removed your brother and his partner from contact with your children–thus removing what you felt your children needed to be “protected” from–you say that the children are suffering. Suffering from what? Certainly not exposure to sinful behavior… that’s the whole reason you and your siblings made the rules you did. Rules that are, apparently, being followed, though perhaps you had hoped that your brother would have changed his behavior rather than continue it in the presence of the family.

If your intention was to protect your children at all costs, then the lack of financial help from your brother should be a small price to pay for the knowledge that your children are “safe” from whatever threat you perceived your brother and his partner to be. That IS what your intention was BEFORE your brother became wealthy, right?

And I’m not condoning nor approving the brother’s behavior… but if the only reason the OP is concerned about his or her and the rest of the siblings’ actions is because of the brother’s new wealth, then I think the OP already has the answer to their original question.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

From the first post, this is entirely about money. The anger that he has a Lamborghini, etc.

I agree with the OPs decision about family with kids and a gay relative. I have a relative that is gay and if he is bringing whomever is his date this year to any gathering we seem to always have better things to do. However, I also have better things to do if my relatives judge my money.
Right next to adultery in the commandments is coveting…

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

OP is way too much about the money and it really comes out the way he writes it. What the heck does money have to do with this anyway? My goodness, the gall …

How would I have handled it?
First, we’re all sinners. No doubt about that. What did Christ say? Love the sinner, not the sin. We’re loving to our parents, our spouses, our children, our friends even when they sin. Does not mean that their sin is beyond rebuke. So I would have said yes to the brother and his partner to come with the ground rule of no public displays of gay affection in my house, essentially don’t commit the sin of acting on the gay relationship in my house. Teaching moment opportunity for older children not to be missed here. Partner can be introduced to younger children as his friend. Have to remember that Jesus routinely engaged with sinners. Doesn’t mean we have to go out there and do the same, but it does mean we need to be able to keep the dialog going. Which doesn’t happen when the brother feels cut off and does the same to the family.