My gay son and his husband are having twins via surrogate 😭

[margeratemary252]

My oldest son decided to “come out” as gay shortly after college. My husband and and I were shocked and heartbroken. We begged him to go to see our priest instead it turned into a big fight about us trying to change him and control his life. He left that night and we haven’t seen him since. He does still have a relationship with two of his siblings and some other relatives so we hear things. We found out he got engaged through my sister. He actually received an invitation to his wedding but of course we didn’t go, in fact I thought it was more of a disgusting slap in the face than an actual invitation. On the invitation was an ungodly picture of my son and another man in an embrace. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my husband ever get so angry as he did over that picture. We’ve prayed together over it, talked to our priest for council and even attended a support group. But it still hurts. We’ve asked other family members not to discuss him in our presence, but we still hear things from time to time.

This weekend we heard the worse news yet. At a large family cookout I overheard of someone finding out about twins. I asked who, excited to congratulate, then I was told my son and his “husband” were having twins through a surrogate. How many ways can he break my heart? How many ways can he disobey God? I need prayers, these will be the first of my grandchildren and they wont know me. They wont know our faith. They wont know a mother or a normal life!

Please pray for us and these poor babies.

 

[Talitha712]

I’m so sorry. This is utterly heartbreaking. Of course, I will pray for your entire family.

Would you like this thread moved to the prayer intention category? That way it will be clear that you posted for prayers. Unless you’re also looking for advice/discussion? (Whatever you like, I’m just making an offer)

 

[Dlee]

I’m so sorry and will pray for you. My son is also gay. My patron saint is St. Monica.

 

[margeratemary252]

I will happily take any advice or helpful words, happy endings, anything.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

My oldest son decided to “come out” as gay shortly after college. My husband and and I were shocked and heartbroken. We begged him to go to see our priest instead it turned into a big fight about us trying to change him and control his life. He left that night and we haven’t seen him since.

I’m so sorry.

He does still have a relationship with two of his siblings and some other relatives so we hear things.

That’s good!

We found out he got engaged through my sister. He actually received an invitation to his wedding

Do you mean to type “We received an invitation”?

ut of course we didn’t go, in fact I thought it was more of a disgusting slap in the face than an actual invitation.

It wasn’t a slap in the face and I think I can understand why. He reached out to you.

even attended a support group

What support group? What did your priest counsel? (You don’t have to answer if it feels too personal.)

his weekend we heard the worse news yet. At a large family cookout I overheard of someone finding out about twins. I asked who, excited to congratulate, then I was told my son and his “husband” were having twins through a surrogate. How many ways can he break my heart? How many ways can he disobey God?

You do realize that he’s not trying to hurt you. You feel hurt by his actions but he’s not doing this to you.

need prayers, these will be the first of my grandchildren and they wont know me.

I think that is something that could change. I feel everyone’s hearts here are hardened and if you want to see your grandchildren you will have to soften yours. If you want to witness Christ’s love to your son, his partner, and your grandchildren that will have to happen.

My question for you is: What do you want? What are you willing to do to have that?

 

[QContinuum]

You and your family have my prayers.

If I may be honest, I think your relationship with all of your children - not only your oldest son - is in dire straits. You and your husband must strike a very careful balance, because while your other children are watching their brother, it is their parents’ response to the fallout that they are going to scrutinize the most.

You regarded your son’s invitation as a “slap in the face.” I understand you could not attend his wedding due to moral constraints. But nothing prevents you from displaying compassion and a willingness to keep the lines of communication open. If you will pardon me, the response you described struck me as full of disgust and anger. This is perhaps not the wisest attitude to assume.

Rather than take his invitation as an insult, you might have said, “Dear Son, We cannot attend, but we continue to love you and know that we do very much desire to be part of your life. You know we cannot agree with your choice with regard to your relationship with X. But you are our son, we love you, and that will never change.”

Possibly followed up with a low-key meet some time afterward, just you and your son over coffee.

The point is, even though he is the one who left, you are also keeping your distance. Others will perceive this tacit agreement to remain incommunicado as you disowning your child over his being gay.

Not a very good image to wear, I’m afraid.

Worse, if your other children witnessed their parents spurning the attempt of their older, outcast brother to connect, you may well find yourself losing more than this son and his children down the road.

Please heed what I am saying. Your son, although an adult, is still young and likely immature. It is extremely harmful to meet childish intransigence with an equally immature response of disgust and shock and “clutching of pearls.”

You must be the better person. Avoid the histrionics and take the higher road of firm but kind resolve, patient love and longsuffering, and always keep those lines of communication open. If he finds himself down and out someday, he will have those lifelines to pull himself up.

And you will have your son in your life again.

 

[BlackFriar]

… He actually received an invitation to his wedding but of course we didn’t go…

We’ve asked other family members not to discuss him in our presence

May I humbly suggest that unless you can find a way to move beyond these sort of “natural” sentiments the persons who will get most damaged over time will probably be yourselves.

 

[mrs.perez]

I cannot believe the responses you have gotten on this forum when you need support
for your faith this is what you get.! I am so sorry. Our Lord said pick up your cross and follow
me he told the sinner I forgive now go and sin no more. the whole purpose of our life goes
back to a garden and a choice. And sometimes that choice HURTS Do you think It does not
hurt our Lord when we use our freewill to sin on purpose. Do you see in scripture where
It clearly says I am the Lord I change not. Jesus is the love and compassion of the father
and he says go and sin no more. What you are talking about is someone who KNOWS
there life choice is wrong and simply has a problem with your principals and thru your
love for them wants you to accept there choices. Two days before Christmas, my
husband of 32 years passed away totally unexpected causing devistation to our
family,Our only daughter who left our family to live her own lifestyle knowing fully
well her choice was against all we believe, came to visit him one last time bringing
her partner with her. She did this only to hurt as she took advantage of the situation.
I have made it clear. I love her but I love God more. And I will have to face Him in the
judgement He does not want me to compromise my faith and beliefs just to agree
with the times. I pray for her soul and shed many tears for her. Going thru this has
made me see how much Our Lady and Our Lord must suffer for His misguided children.
St Monica pray for us. Be Strong in the Lord.

 

[Mi_Rose]

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[Paul71]

I am very sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine the pain that your son’s choices have caused you.

I especially feel sorry for the twins, who will be separated from their natural mother, and who will never have the chance to know her or to know any mother. And to think that those innocent children are being put in this situation intentionally, not because it is best for them, but to satisfy the desires of adults! A terrible evil and injustice is being done to these children.

I also very much feel sorry for the surrogate mother, who is being paid for the temporary use of her body as if she were a prostitute, and who will have her own newborn children taken away from her.

I believe that for the sake of these children, it would be best if you can be in their lives, even if only in a limited way. I agree that you should not have gone to your son’s “wedding” ceremony, and that you should not approve of his choices. But I think that for the sake of your son and for the sake of these innocent twin babies, you should open the lines of communication and let your son know how much you love him. I know it is not easy, but you can show your love for him without expressing approval of the choices that he has made.

If you are able to be in the lives of these children, they will surely benefit from it. They will know what it is to have loving grandparents. They will have a model of what a Catholic marriage looks like, and they will at least have some minimum exposure to the Catholic faith. If you are able to babysit them from time to time, you can gently teach them who Jesus is, teach them to pray, and so on. You don’t necessarily need to tell them that the lifestyle of their “parents” is wrong, especially when they are young. But by your own witness and example, you can help them to see that there is another and better way. And considering that they will have no mother in their life, they will especially need a grandmother!

I will pray for you, for your son, for the children, and for everyone involved.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Your Catholic brothers and sisters at enCourage have been down this road. EnCourage - Courage International, Inc.

 

[gracepoole]

First, I’m so sorry. You’re clearly in pain and I can’t imagine how this impacted your life and your family. Know that I am praying for you.

In the old days on CAF, there was a regular poster whose daughter identified as lesbian and married another woman. While the poster and his wife didn’t attend the wedding, they did not cut off contact with their daughter. She and her partner were welcomed at family events. The daughter certainly knew how her parents felt but that didn’t stop them from having a loving relationship. As difficult as it may seem (it may even seem impossible right now), pray about whether you should have a relationship with your son and his family. Shunning them won’t change their choices. You and your husband are hurting badly. Your son is probably hurting, too, though in different ways (though I understand it may be difficult to see that at the moment). You both can be positive witnesses to your son and the children he’s going to welcome. Will they have such witnesses to the Catholic faith otherwise? Perhaps you might speak with a trusted priest to know how to proceed.

Many prayers, dear child of God…

 

[Dlee]

For you sake as well as your family’s, please do not close the door on a relationship with your son and his new family. You don’t have to agree or accept his choices, but you can and should still love him. As parents, we owe unconditional love to our children regardless of their sin. Christ offers the same to us. It took me several years to get past my feeling and my reaction to my own son’s choices. I was also challenged in RCIA to pray for my son’s boyfriend. This was hard. I know you are hurting, but this hurt will eat you alive if you don’t let it go. My prayer intentions are always for my son; if St. Monica can pray for her son, I can do the same. Big for me was apologizing to my son for my initial reactions to his being gay. My reaction was hurtful rather than helpful. I’m grateful that we talked it out and he was able to understand my reaction. I pray you and your husband will find peace and that your grandchildren will be healthy and loved.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You need to try and keep some sort of relationship with your son, I’m sure he isn’t doing this to hurt you.

 

[Domer90]

My prayers are with you, and you will be remembered at Adoration tonight. Pray especially for the children, as it will be tough for them growing up. God bless you.

 

[Domer90]

If you choose to have a relationship with your son, you and your husband can be a good role model for his children.