My Girlfriend Cheated but

[sj2]

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa…whoa. Don’t date until you’re mature enough? If everyone waited until they were mature enough to date, no one would ever date to begin with. How is one supposed to mature in relationships without having relationships? Heck, I didn’t know how to ride a bike until I tried it a few times.

Yes, but your parents did not put you on a bike when you were 3 months old–you would have hurt yourself. You need some basic skills before trying things out or you will cause hurt. And the OP and his GF are obviously hurting each other.

I started dating my husband at 15. Were we mature enough to get married? no. But we were mature enough to have a healthy 15-year old’s relationship. We did not cheat, we did not hurt each other. (we also knew the limits of our maturity, that’s why I was not a 15 yr old mother, that’s why we wait 7 years before we got married, etc) As we grew, our relationship grew.

Everyone in this situation is toying with each other’s heart. So, yes, “don’t date until you’re mature enough.” We are not talking about “mature enough to marry,” or some sort of maximum level of maturity, we are talking about a very basic maturity–mature enough not to purposefully toy with another’s heart.

And I don’t think people on here think the OP is terrible. They are actually trying to get him to a good place, the best place to find a lasting, loving spouse. We don’t see it hppening in this relationship, so, yes the advice was to get out. Get out and do not make the GF the “bad guy”. They both made mistakes. Sometimes the healthy and kind thing to do is to stop hurting each other by walking away.

And if we are wrong, then when the OP is 80 and his 55 year marriage with this woman is still in tact, he will know that he truly did “break the odds.” It’s his life, he can make great things happen–we just gave him the reality–the two of them already stacked the odds against themselves.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

dtm–First, don’t tell her. You made a mistake. Get over it. It’s not a big deal. She’s not your wife, she’s a girlfriend. That sounds like an unfair ranking, but there it is. I had girlfriends. I have a wife. There’s a difference between a wife and a girlfriend.

There is a difference between a girlfriend and a wife, but integrity is integrity. If you don’t have that when you’re just dating, why would you suddenly develop it the day you take your vows?

There are countless problems with your post, but that was the most striking.

 

[on_the_hill]

There is a difference between a girlfriend and a wife, but integrity is integrity.

I agree. Integrity is integrity, and I mostly agreed with “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

But I also don’t want to inflate the value of a b.f.-g.f. relationship. People learn & mature in relationships. Only the rare ones are mature enough when they go into a relationship. A 15, 16, 17 year old’s head is spinning off its top. He/she can be counseled on the best way to behave, but we can’t discourage too much him/her from wading in. (altho, for all we know the OP is 35 years old) (but then again, what constitutes cheating? When I was dating, having lunch with a woman who wasn’t my g.f. was “cheating.” Now that I’m married, having lunch, going for coffee with a woman other than my wife is harmless.)

(of course, having a 14 year old daughter, I don’t think people ought to date until they’re at least a mature 22 years old)

 

[Lucky7]

I’m still deeply in love with her and hoping that some how or some way that we can maybe get past all of this.

No, you’re not…or you wouldn’t have flirt-texted the other girl behind her back.

 

[_Jenn]

IMO, when it comes to boyfriends and girlfriends, “cheating” isn’t a black & white issue. I do mostly agree ‘once a cheater, always a cheater,’ because I’ve seen it work out that way with people I know. On the other hand, it’s a broad brush to paint with.

Again, just my opinion–let’s not put too much value out of the box on girlfriend-boyfriend relationships

IMO, there should be just as much value placed on the dating relationship. If you can’t show loyalty, trust, honesty, integrity, etc. when you are dating, and can’t commit to dating one person exclusively, how can you trust it in that person when married? My dh & I when dating, dated with commitment. We weren’t looking for “the next best thing”, a reason to leave the relationship, etc. We were exclusively committed to each other, just as we still are now, after being a couple for over 14 years, and married for almost 12.

 

[Lucky7]

IMO, there should be just as much value placed on the dating relationship. If you can’t show loyalty, trust, honesty, integrity, etc. when you are dating, and can’t commit to dating one person exclusively, how can you trust it in that person when married? My dh & I when dating, dated with commitment. We weren’t looking for “the next best thing”, a reason to leave the relationship, etc. We were exclusively committed to each other, just as we still are now, after being a couple for over 14 years, and married for almost 12.

I think there is a difference between just dating around (ie. dating a number of people at the same time) and dating exclusively. With the former, there is an understanding that you aren’t the only one. With the latter, there is some level of commitment since you have made it clear that you are exclusive. I don’t think it matters in this situation because the behavior is completely inappropriate regardless of the status of the relationship, but I do get the idea that there can be a distinction.

 

[Kelfa28]

IMO, there should be just as much value placed on the dating relationship. If you can’t show loyalty, trust, honesty, integrity, etc. when you are dating, and can’t commit to dating one person exclusively, how can you trust it in that person when married? My dh & I when dating, dated with commitment. We weren’t looking for “the next best thing”, a reason to leave the relationship, etc. We were exclusively committed to each other, just as we still are now, after being a couple for over 14 years, and married for almost 12.

I agree. My husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years before we were engaged. We took our relationship seriously and we were nothing but exclusive from the very beginning. I knew from the beginning that he was the one and the only one I wanted to be with forever. I think it says a lot about a couple who can partake in a more “informal” type of relationship such as a boyfriend and girlfriend and they take it seriously and won’t cheat.

I suppose if you are completely chaste there really wouldn’t be such a thing as “cheating” anyway.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I agree. My husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years before we were engaged. We took our relationship seriously and we were nothing but exclusive from the very beginning. I knew from the beginning that he was the one and the only one I wanted to be with forever. I think it says a lot about a couple who can partake in a more “informal” type of relationship such as a boyfriend and girlfriend and they take it seriously and won’t cheat.

I suppose if you are completely chaste there really wouldn’t be such a thing as “cheating” anyway.

Not true. There are a number of things that my fiance could do that would meet the Catholic definition of chaste but that would cause me to lose trust in him and probably end our relationship. If he started turning to another woman and confiding in her the way he should in me, and started relying on her emotionally and spending time with her at the expense of time with me and my feelings about the situation I would be done.

 

[Kelfa28]

Not true. There are a number of things that my fiance could do that would meet the Catholic definition of chaste but that would cause me to lose trust in him and probably end our relationship. If he started turning to another woman and confiding in her the way he should in me, and started relying on her emotionally and spending time with her at the expense of time with me and my feelings about the situation I would be done.

no, you’re right.

If my husband did that before we were married, I’d be gone as well

 

[domandcarols]

Frankly it sounds as though you two deserve each other.

That aside you guys need to break up. Neither one of you are mentally, emotionally, or morally mature enough for a relationship. Break up and take some time to work on yourselves, then worry about dating.

This!