My girlfriend cheated

[benjammin]

To me it’s just that I put everything into perspective (what the OP feels and the fact that the girl apologized; she could have kept it all to herself and continue having an affair with the other guy even if she has a bf) since I don’t know the whole story and I do not know both the guy who posted the OP and the girl being talked about. So I think it’s neutral to say “forgive and think about it thoroughly.” I don’t want to throw stones on the girl right away for I have errs myself.

Maybe she’s mentioning it so she can come back at him when he finds her “under the covers” again and she’ll say “I told you about this”. Honestly, avoid the heartbreak and break it off. If it hurts her now, you’ll be sparing yourselves later

 

[Kelfa28]

You should never ever ever ever get back together.

Like ever.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

If she really cared about her current BF, the OP, she wouldn’t have been in the presence of her ex-BF and especially not “under the covers” with him. Big red flag with flashing lights all over it. “GET OUT NOW!”

 

[The_Bucket]

You should never ever ever ever get back together.

Like ever.

And don’t listen when her friends talk to your friends who then talk to you.

You’re never getting back together.

(Sorry, this is my 3-year-old daughter’s favorite song.)

My response is, in the infamous words of former Phillies pitcher Brett Myers…

“Boom, outta here.”

 

[camerong]

Woah. This is crazy. Dump her. Can you seriously see this woman being the mother of your children?

I wonder if you need to reevaluate your dating strategy to better incorporate chastity. Aren’t there plenty of good Catholic girls who would never even consider engaging in that kind of behavior? Yikes.

The exception to this is that if she were to make a serious religious conversion (or re-devotion to her faith). I was a scumbag before I became Catholic, but my girlfriend-now-wife had faith in me. But I had to convert to really show her.

This sounds like a relationship seriously devoid of Jesus, if you don’t mind me saying so.

 

[chevalier]

Realistically, unless you offered her a ring and she put it on, there is no obligation to being exclusive. And if you’re not exclusive, there is no cheating.

Non-exclusively making out with people isn’t high class of conduct either.

 

[chevalier]

11 months. And it was with her ex bf… like he was over her house with her and her sister because they are all friends. And he like was fingering her under the blankets. And it she didn’t make him stop until he has already been doing it for a mintue or 2… but she did stop him. And I know she feels bad about it. And she loves me. I just don’t understand why it would take her a mintue to stop him… and I know I’m supposed to forgive but its hard. And I’m 19 by the way.

I suppose she can be one of the people who have trouble saying no. Combine that with some lingering sentiments for the ex and that kind of thing is possible.

This said, keeping an ex around, fooling with the blankets etc. does look like the secular dating drama. Especially at an age when not even emotions and feelings are running crazy. People sometimes grow out of that type of thing. I wasn’t better when I was that age or even a a little older. A little of a “situation” and it takes a while before one finds it in himself to say no. As I said, people sometimes grow out of it. Generally, to stop making mistakes one tends to need a lesson sometimes. Maybe give her a chance but with clear conditions. Things need to change from how they are now.

Plus if she’s still after the ex, as in greatly under his influence, still attracted to him, can’t say no to him etc., then maybe she isn’t ready to be in a relationship with someone new. When I was that age, I chased every crush like it was destiny, so I can relate. (Obviously not saying it’s a good thing.) Perhaps taking some time off from the dating scene would be good for her?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

When she cheated she tipped her hand. She showed you exactly what she thinks and feels about you, and now she’s begging for forgiveness hoping that you’ll go back to believing her lies.

When someone cheats, I don’t care if its emotional or physical, I don’t care if they’re married or just exclusively dating, they are saying “I don’t love you. I don’t respect you. I think that you’re foolish enough to not see what I’m doing, and I either don’t care if I lose you or I do but I think that you’re too weak and pathetic to leave me. I am completely taking you for granted.”

Get out now. Cheating never just “happens”. There are things that lead to it and she didn’t care enough to stop it long before she was alone under the blankets with her ex.

This isn’t a woman that you want to casually date, much less marry.

 

[chevalier]

When someone cheats, I don’t care if its emotional or physical, I don’t care if they’re married or just exclusively dating, they are saying “I don’t love you. I don’t respect you. I think that you’re foolish enough to not see what I’m doing, and I either don’t care if I lose you or I do but I think that you’re too weak and pathetic to leave me. I am completely taking you for granted.”

I respectfully disagree with that. The act of cheating says those things. But the person cheating is not always in full unity with the act. The mens rea is more complicated than just the norms violated by the action. It may be that someone cheated in a moment of weakness, justified variously. Surely, that was wrong and wronged the person cheated on greatly. But it doesn’t always translate into a total lack of care or a total taking for granted. Rather people become blind through their passions… or weak through their issues, they fall when the temptation presents itself, then they wake up having done it. Especially you never know what an emotionally deranged person is going to do. Alcohol, sleep deprivation, grief, alienation, sense of abandonment… there’s a whole lot of factors that make good people into criminals of opportunity.

Get out now. Cheating never just “happens”. There are things that lead to it and she didn’t care enough to stop it long before she was alone under the blankets with her ex.

Some girls just can’t say no if the pressure persists. In fact, some rape cases feature this type of claims, basing an entire rape accusation on the victim’s psychic block from manifesting her lack of consent in any more than a slight token way which the pushy male understood as her basically changing mind and going with the flow (albeit reluctantly). Now from the perspective of the beyond a reasonable doubt standard that is or should be a very weak accusation, but it does give something to think about.

This isn’t a woman that you want to casually date, much less marry.

She does need to sort out a lot of stuff before she’s ready.

 

[underacloud]

There are a lot of opportunity during this stage for couples to know each other and discern whether or not your partner is a potential husband or wife.

Yes, exactly my point…the OP now has a very big red flag for this girl as a potential wife.

Like, is there something that the OP has failed/lack of doing that made her cheat, like maybe she needs time or attention (or communication).

Let’s overlook the fairly absurd aspect of blaming the OP here and focus on the girl’s perspective. If this is a grab for attention, it’s an even bigger red flag. If their relationship is so problematic at 11 months that she feels the need to act out, then it’s even more reason for the OP to run.

11 months! What will this girl going to do during the hard times of marriage?

In the OP’s case, I think the love and trust is still there on both of them so why not give it a shot if (for example) that the love and trust is still there. And yeah, Jesus as well as the Church says to forgive those who erred us. Doesn’t that include the girl of the OP?

I don’t think the trust is there. Why would he be here asking about what to do if it was?

As for forgiveness - yes, forgive her. Break the relatsionship off, and forgive the girl. Forgiveness doesn’t require that he stay with her. He can still forgive but use the information to conclude that it’s unwise to continue the relationship.

PCalungsod, clearly you and I have different views on this. I guess the OP was looking for advice so it’s good to hear different perspectives and for him to form his own judgement.

All the best.

 

[TimeEntrance]

I’m not sure that someone “cheating” necessarily means they don’t have any love for their S.O.

Humans have vulnerabilities and sometimes regrets.

Take a man married to 4 women or a woman that gave birth to 4 children. Both probably (hopefully) has love for all 4 that are objects of his and her affections.

It’s possible your girlfriend does love you (however deeply) and it’s possible she doesn’t.