My girlfriend slept with someone while we were broken up

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Primate123

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Hi,
So I know that this question may have popped up in various forms in the past, but my question is not so much to vent as to find some course of action to solve my anger sadness and frustration, so please keep that in mind before jumping to " just get over it dude". I’m trying hard to fix what I know is my issue…please help if you have any real thoughts on the matter.

So I’ve been with the same girl since collage and we broke up for about 7 months. We have been back together now for about 7 months and in total we have dated for almost 5 years ( I know “put a ring on it you loser.” right?!) While we were broken up she was sleeping with someone and it still hurts and makes me angry. Before you judge me ask yourself, if we hold chastity at such great importance you can’t then turn around and tell people to just forget about the sin against it. I know she’s good with God but it doesn’t make me feel any less ******. I want to forgive and forget it but it’s eating me away inside, it will pop up in my mind and I feel betrayed by her. It probably sounds silly but It makes me feel replaceable and not special now and if we get married and have sex again.

She is the only girl I’ve ever been with and she is very committed to living a chaste life with me now ( we did have sex in the past) God used me to bring her back to the faith, but she has been with 9 other guys. I would never hold this over her and I know she feels horrible about it. The ones before never bothered me like the one in the middle of what I felt like was a pause in our relationship. This one hurts a lot.

She puts a lot of emphasis on her change in her sexual tendencies and though I would never say it to her, i find myself getting angry when she speaks about chastity as though she hasn’t had sex with so many people. I know I should want her to get closer to God but I’m left feeling pissed off and sad. I feel robed of being the only person to be with her intimately, that is something I have to share with 9 other guys?! Yeah she chose me but can’t I be a little sad about this? Or am I a prick for thinking about it that way?

what she did then it hurts me now and it’s not stoping. Forgiveness doesn’t come with directions. I can say it doesn’t bother me but that is a lie. I can have the intent to forgive but the pain doesn’t go away.

Thanks for the words.🙂
 
Primate123 said:
Hi,
So I know that this question may have popped up in various forms in the past, but my question is not so much to vent as to find some course of action to solve my anger sadness and frustration, so please keep that in mind before jumping to " just get over it dude". I’m trying hard to fix what I know is my issue…please help if you have any real thoughts on the matter.

So I’ve been with the same girl since collage and we broke up for about 7 months. We have been back together now for about 7 months and in total we have dated for almost 5 years ( I know “put a ring on it you loser.” right?!) While we were broken up she was sleeping with someone and it still hurts and makes me angry. Before you judge me ask yourself, if we hold chastity at such great importance you can’t then turn around and tell people to just forget about the sin against it. I know she’s good with God but it doesn’t make me feel any less ******. I want to forgive and forget it but it’s eating me away inside, it will pop up in my mind and I feel betrayed by her. It probably sounds silly but It makes me feel replaceable and not special now and if we get married and have sex again.

She is the only girl I’ve ever been with and she is very committed to living a chaste life with me now ( we did have sex in the past) God used me to bring her back to the faith, but she has been with 9 other guys. I would never hold this over her and I know she feels horrible about it. The ones before never bothered me like the one in the middle of what I felt like was a pause in our relationship. This one hurts a lot.

She puts a lot of emphasis on her change in her sexual tendencies and though I would never say it to her, i find myself getting angry when she speaks about chastity as though she hasn’t had sex with so many people. I know I should want her to get closer to God but I’m left feeling pissed off and sad. I feel robed of being the only person to be with her intimately, that is something I have to share with 9 other guys?! Yeah she chose me but can’t I be a little sad about this? Or am I a prick for thinking about it that way?

what she did then it hurts me now and it’s not stoping. Forgiveness doesn’t come with directions. I can say it doesn’t bother me but that is a lie. I can have the intent to forgive but the pain doesn’t go away.

Thanks for the words.🙂
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Once there is attachment it is difficult to think rationally. Since you were not married, there is no covenant between you, and therefore no rightful expectation. To be perfectly chaste includes all thoughts and actions and is therefore not limited to fornication. To focus only on fornication is to miss the underlying lusting in thoughts that precedes actions, both with others and alone. How many perfectly chaste people exist, I wonder?
 
It is understandable that you would feel upset, but I certainly wouldn’t suggest that you ‘put a ring on her finger’ especially at this time when you would be questioning your relationship. A ring, or marriage, isn’t a solution for relationship issues.

If you’ve ‘been with’ this girl since college but she has been with nine others, including a more recent one, I can only say I hope my son, if he were in your position, would think carefully as to the girl’s nature, and whether she is emphasizing ‘chaste’ behavior now because you seem the best bet, or because she is sincere.

It wouldn’t be healthy to ignore or brush aside you feelings. You do need to find a way to deal with them, whether to continue or retain the relationship and find a way forward. The anger, disappointment could continue to poison the relationship now, and after marriage.
 
I neglected to mention that her past Could effect us in the future together. She only told me only in the last 6 months of our 5 year relationship that she had cervical cancer before she dated me from an std that May have left her unable to have children… Makes the past a little hard to forget with that in mind also.
 
Why would you date somebody for five years after college? Could it be that one or both of you could tell that marriage was not a good idea?
 
Primate123 said:
I neglected to mention that her past Could effect us in the future together. She only told me only in the last 6 months of our 5 year relationship that she had cervical cancer before she dated me from an std that May have left her unable to have children… Makes the past a little hard to forget with that in mind also.
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That you mention this does indicate that you have serious doubts on more than one level.
It’s painful to let go of a relationship into which you invested feelings and hopes, but if it’s the right thing for you, I hope that you can find the clarity and strength.
If you decide to continue and and you want children and marriage with this girl, it is not unreasonable to require medical checks for her.

She has acted foolishly in the past, and as a Christian, sinfully, but may God give her whatever healing and blessing she needs.

You need to be sure of your feelings and of her if you decide to marry, as if one person is at a moral disadvantage, the marriage relationship seems rarely to be equal or happy.
 
Man…

Hard stuff… Based on your last post I suspect you have a lot more issues going on than what you originally listed…

While I am very imperfect, I would find her past impossible to forget in your situation. She fell for the thrill ride of free sex and now has a permanent cross to bear for it… The fact she reverted back to the thrill ride right after she left you leads me to suspect it is an ingrained pattern.

I don’t expect a perfect girl, but I do expect a girl on to be working towards goodness. Sleeping around and repenting is something I can be fine with, but her behavior leads me to think this might not be the kind of person she is.

Also, I can’t help be notice you seem unhappy. I think you already have decided (or are close) to a degree what you want to do, and there isn’t anything wrong with leaving if that is your choice.
 
I know that must hurt, but honestly, it seems like you know whats right, or at least what you think you ought to do. Her past would be pretty hard to get over, and just looking at her past, I think you should contemplate for a while about it, before you even think about “putting a ring on it”

I’m just curious as to why you didn’t think about marriage? Especially since you dated for 5 years. I don’t think you’re a loser for it by any means, I don’t think you’re a loser at all, it’s obvious you’re just hurt, and we all have these times in life where we have to make decisions. Whatever you end up deciding to do, I wish you the best of luck.
 
As others have noted, you dated for a long time, and after college, and you ended up breaking up rather than progressing towards marriage. Surely there was a reason for this.

And now you are in a catch-22, because while you hate the fact that she’s been unchaste with other people, you must now potentially face that from the other perspective. If you move on and find someone else, you will be the one with a past. Of course, that’s a poor reason for staying with this girl, but it is something you need to be mindful of in the future.

If you can’t handle this girl’s past - and to be honest I doubt I could - I’d move on. If you decide to stay, and eventually get married, you must decide that it’s in the past and never bring it up again; it is unfair on one hand to forgive and maintian the relationship, but on the other hand hardour resentment. So you need to ask yourself if you are capable of this before you commit further to her.
 
Op, your hurt and emotions are telling you something and that something is that you are going to have to move on. I am sorry about the bad choices on her part and even the fact that both of you slept together at one point. Despite the claim to live chastely, you can’t start a marriage out with mistrust and hurt. Likewise, the fact that she is now unable to have children due to past immorality is a big problem. This is why God’s plan for sex is to save it for marriage not before marriage and those that brake this can reap some pretty horrible consequences which she is now going face for the rest of her life. Your feelings, emotions and hurt are telling you something and that is you need to move on from this person.
 
Primate123 said:
I neglected to mention that her past Could effect us in the future together. She only told me only in the last 6 months of our 5 year relationship that she had cervical cancer before she dated me from an std that May have left her unable to have children… Makes the past a little hard to forget with that in mind also.
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This is deadly and how often do you hear the mainstream media talk about this? Women all of a sudden find out they have cancer by surprise and then wonder ‘why didn’t society tell this could happen’.

Then she realizes those feminists lied to her. They didn’t have her well being in mind after all and were working for Satan.

My wife had a co-worker that had to have her cervix removed with the cancer. This other girl on UK Big Brother… the one with Shilpa Shetty. Jade was her name. She died of cervical cancer also. It happened so fast.

I know she’s amazing in the bedroom and her sex and drama has you hooked. Trust me I’ve been there. But make no mistake, she is corrupting you as a man and destroying you. Not all women are wives and mothers. When you get older you’ll see how these are wasted years and you were being abused.
 
Primate123 said:
Hi,
So I know that this question may have popped up in various forms in the past, but my question is not so much to vent as to find some course of action to solve my anger sadness and frustration, so please keep that in mind before jumping to " just get over it dude". I’m trying hard to fix what I know is my issue…please help if you have any real thoughts on the matter.

So I’ve been with the same girl since collage and we broke up for about 7 months. We have been back together now for about 7 months and in total we have dated for almost 5 years ( I know “put a ring on it you loser.” right?!) While we were broken up she was sleeping with someone and it still hurts and makes me angry. Before you judge me ask yourself, if we hold chastity at such great importance you can’t then turn around and tell people to just forget about the sin against it. I know she’s good with God but it doesn’t make me feel any less ******. I want to forgive and forget it but it’s eating me away inside, it will pop up in my mind and I feel betrayed by her. It probably sounds silly but It makes me feel replaceable and not special now and if we get married and have sex again.

She is the only girl I’ve ever been with and she is very committed to living a chaste life with me now ( we did have sex in the past) God used me to bring her back to the faith, but she has been with 9 other guys. I would never hold this over her and I know she feels horrible about it. The ones before never bothered me like the one in the middle of what I felt like was a pause in our relationship. This one hurts a lot.

She puts a lot of emphasis on her change in her sexual tendencies and though I would never say it to her, i find myself getting angry when she speaks about chastity as though she hasn’t had sex with so many people. I know I should want her to get closer to God but I’m left feeling pissed off and sad. I feel robed of being the only person to be with her intimately, that is something I have to share with 9 other guys?! Yeah she chose me but can’t I be a little sad about this? Or am I a prick for thinking about it that way?

what she did then it hurts me now and it’s not stoping. Forgiveness doesn’t come with directions. I can say it doesn’t bother me but that is a lie. I can have the intent to forgive but the pain doesn’t go away.

Thanks for the words.🙂
Click to expand...
What are you hanging onto in this relationship? Marriage is based on trust and you have lost that with her. If you have been dating for 5 years and are not speaking seriously of marriage by now, then it is time to move on anyway.
 
AussieTrish said:
It is understandable that you would feel upset, but I certainly wouldn’t suggest that you ‘put a ring on her finger’ especially at this time when you would be questioning your relationship. A ring, or marriage, isn’t a solution for relationship issues.

If you’ve ‘been with’ this girl since college but she has been with nine others, including a more recent one, I can only say I hope my son, if he were in your position, would think carefully as to the girl’s nature, and whether she is emphasizing ‘chaste’ behavior now because you seem the best bet, or because she is sincere.

It wouldn’t be healthy to ignore or brush aside you feelings. You do need to find a way to deal with them, whether to continue or retain the relationship and find a way forward. The anger, disappointment could continue to poison the relationship now, and after marriage.
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A very wise post. I could not agree more. She obviously does not hold her chastity in high regard, but this is only a continuation of her previous behaviour, which she suspended whilst dating you. So she must hold you in some regard to avoid what was an almost habitual response to any attention. I would not rush your emotions. Let time take the rancor away and see what is left.
 
You say that you know she slept with someone while you were not in the relationship with each other for several months, but did she cheat on you with those others while you were in a relationship with her?
 
Nope she has never cheated and I believe would never. I also want to be clear I didn’t say she can’t have children but it is possible.
To some of you who say “get out of the relationship.” What is your reason? She is actually a very giving and self sacrificing woman. Yes she has screwed up but honestly she Is stronger in her faith than I am at the moment and keeps me focused. She love children and wants a life with me. We are all striving for perfection in Gods eyes… What is marriage if not trying to bring an imperfect person whom you love closer to eternal happiness. Even Christ hung out with Mary Magdalene.
 
Primate123 said:

“To some of you who say “get out of the relationship.” What is your reason? She is actually a very giving and self sacrificing woman.”

If the relationship is so amazing, why didn’t the two of you set a date at some point in the course of five years? Couples who are working hard at chastity tend to get married on a much brisker schedule. Even secular couples often get married faster. It would be different if you started dating at 18, but five years is weird for people in a post-college relationship who value chastity. Even if there were no specific issues at all with your GF’s fertility, waiting that long for no good reason increases the chance that you would never be able to have children together.

Also, why did you break up? Presumably, there was some serious reason for that.

If you aren’t getting married, you should let her go and not waste her time. Here’s a chart of female fertility (page down a little):

babycentre.co.uk/a6155/your-age-and-fertility

If you continue to date with no intention of marriage, you will be doing her wrong. You know everything there is to know about her at this point (or can guess), so the dating process has outlived its usefulness at this point.
 
I am a woman with a past married to a man with a past. I would be an utter hypocrite to say that I have issues with his past when I have one of my own. And that is exactly where you are in your relationship. You have had sex with this woman, so you now also have a past. I realize your “past” is with her, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’ve also had sex outside of marriage and those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. She didn’t lie to you and she hasn’t cheated on you. I’d let her past and the number of men she has been with go. It cannot be changed.

Yes, STD’s and resulting cancer can damage fertility. But you’ve said that she was treated and that no definite answer has been given as to if there was permanent damage. The earlier the treatment the better the odds no permanent damage was done. Seems your choices are to ask her to undergo testing to see if she is capable of bearing children or marry her without knowing and take your chances.

The real problem I am seeing here is that you’ve been together so long and haven’t either married or set a date to be married. I’m converting to catholic and I spent the majority of my life as a secular person and even I have always figured that by 6 months to a year into a relationship the couple should either be reasonably sure they’re heading toward marriage or say fond farewells. Are you just dragging your feet because you don’t want to marry at this stage of life or because you don’t want to marry this woman specifically? It’s entirely possible that she is a good hearted woman who has many fine qualities that you love and yet not be the right match as a permanent mate. If the’s the case, best to end things now so that both of you are free to date other people in hopes of making a permanent match.
 
Primate123 said:
Nope she has never cheated and I believe would never. I also want to be clear I didn’t say she can’t have children but it is possible.
To some of you who say “get out of the relationship.” What is your reason? She is actually a very giving and self sacrificing woman. Yes she has screwed up but honestly she Is stronger in her faith than I am at the moment and keeps me focused. She love children and wants a life with me. We are all striving for perfection in Gods eyes… What is marriage if not trying to bring an imperfect person whom you love closer to eternal happiness. Even Christ hung out with Mary Magdalene.
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Right…ok. So I really don’t understand why you are angry with her. You say that you are finding it hard to forgive her, but she has done nothing that YOU have to forgive her for. She has not cheated on you. She had sex with someone else WHILST you were not in a relationship together. YOU yourself had sex with her. So I don’t think that you have the moral high ground where forgiveness is concerned. If you can not get over the fact that she had sex with someone else, then maybe you should let this relationship go.
 
We began dating in collage and are now out of collage. You are right I do not have moral high ground but I am upset about it and like I said it is my issue and I am just having a hard time finding a way to let it heal. Emotions are not often so logical.
It’s easy to make a statment like " let her go." When you are looking at two peoples relationship from the outside. Just because I have these challenges doesn’t mean I don’t care for her very deeply… I was looking for a way to heal so I can marry this girl with a healthy heart, not for a litany of people telling me to dump her.

I get that 5 years is a long time but no I wasn’t ready to be married, now that I am moving towards a decision I’m finding these feelings creeping into the four front of my mind. I want to deal with this and move forward with her not leave her because as you say “in five years you should know” and that’s the tell tale sign of problems. I know some happy couples who dated for many years, no it is not perfect but it happens and they do succeed.
 
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