My girlfriend slept with someone while we were broken up

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Primate123 said:
Nope she has never cheated and I believe would never. I also want to be clear I didn’t say she can’t have children but it is possible.
To some of you who say “get out of the relationship.” What is your reason? She is actually a very giving and self sacrificing woman. Yes she has screwed up but honestly she Is stronger in her faith than I am at the moment and keeps me focused. She love children and wants a life with me. We are all striving for perfection in Gods eyes… What is marriage if not trying to bring an imperfect person whom you love closer to eternal happiness. Even Christ hung out with Mary Magdalene.
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Your emotions of hurt and forgiveness and the issues of trust are the red flag here. It is not a matter that someone is perfect and didn’t have or make mistakes but there are enough of them here and the fact that you so called broke up and she with her history of STD and cervical cancer goes to bed with someone else. No matter how nice and giving and loving she may be, that is symbolic of a deeper potential moral problem and character. Your point of Christ hanging out with Mary Magdalene is not the issue. Mary Magdalene wasn’t a girlfriend of Jesus but a follower of her savior. Despite what Dan Brown claims, they were not married or even going there. It is a bogus idea. Someone that has had cervical cancer with either the cervix removed or compromised, is going to have problems with fertility. That is something you really need to take a very hard look at. No matter what the statements are now in trying to live chastely, they are just that nice statements and words to keep you in the relationship. The proof of that is proven in that while not dating, she goes off easily to be in bed with another man and this isn’t that long ago.
 
Primate123 said:
Yes she has screwed up but honestly she Is stronger in her faith than I am at the moment and keeps me focused.
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You are focusing on her “screw up.” Well, guess what, you are guilty of exactly the same thing!

You dated her and had sex with her.

She dated something (after you broke up with her) and she had sex with her boyfriend.

What’s the difference? There is none!

The only issue is your reaction to all of this.
It’s easy to make a statment like " let her go." When you are looking at two peoples relationship from the outside.
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Keep in mind that some of us have a whole lot more life experience that you. The one piece of advice I will give anyone is to NEVER marry someone when major issues exist. They will become far, far worse after marriage, and far, far more difficult to solve.
 
Counting backward from right now, how long have the two of you been chaste together? If the answer is less than six months, I would move on, no matter how great she is.

The choice is either to forgive and forget (and to deal gracefully with the possibility of infertility–which could just as well come from other sources than promiscuity) or to let her go. If you are having obsessive thoughts about her past, see a therapist and a priest and work on how to cope with those thoughts. If you can’t manage them within a reasonable period of time, you should move on, for both your sakes.

I don’t know if you understand this, but it’s not doing her any favors to hold onto her or marry her while at the same time nursing thoughts about her past. She’d be much better off with another guy who is not obsessed with her past activities. If she’s as great as you say, she should have no trouble finding somebody as good as you.
 
Primate123 said:
We began dating in collage and are now out of collage. You are right I do not have moral high ground but I am upset about it and like I said it is my issue and I am just having a hard time finding a way to let it heal. Emotions are not often so logical.
It’s easy to make a statment like " let her go." When you are looking at two peoples relationship from the outside. Just because I have these challenges doesn’t mean I don’t care for her very deeply… I was looking for a way to heal so I can marry this girl with a healthy heart, not for a litany of people telling me to dump her.

I get that 5 years is a long time but no I wasn’t ready to be married, now that I am moving towards a decision I’m finding these feelings creeping into the four front of my mind. I want to deal with this and move forward with her not leave her because as you say “in five years you should know” and that’s the tell tale sign of problems. I know some happy couples who dated for many years, no it is not perfect but it happens and they do succeed.
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So we’re not allowed to tell you to “just get over it dude”, and we’re not allowed to tell you to “let her go”.

But in reality, these are the two choices (in simplified versions). If you choose to stay with her, for all the reasons you’ve stated, then you need to get over it. As Xantippe suggests, see a therapist and a priest, who can help you work through these difficult emotions.
 
You are both Catholics. Both of you have issues with past sexual relationships. (you said she felt horrible about her past)

Now as a couple you are considering marriage but have these issues which are or potentially will deeply affect the trust and bond.

I suggest you sit down with a Catholic relationship counselor, perhaps a couple that teaches premarital class/workshops for Catholics and work this out. Forgiveness of oneself and others is a spiritual issue.

Ultimately these issues will have to be addressed either now, with one another, or later when seeking a marital relationship. So, if you are committed to one another and to your faith, why not address them now, for real, together, under the context of your faith.

The answers are not to be found on an online forum, but within your own hearts, souls and faith.

Blessings to you.
 
Thanks Schaeffer, that is some hard but more realistic advice I was hoping for.
 
Primate123 said:
Hi,
So I know that this question may have popped up in various forms in the past, but my question is not so much to vent as to find some course of action to solve my anger sadness and frustration, so please keep that in mind before jumping to " just get over it dude". I’m trying hard to fix what I know is my issue…please help if you have any real thoughts on the matter.

So I’ve been with the same girl since collage and we broke up for about 7 months. We have been back together now for about 7 months and in total we have dated for almost 5 years ( I know “put a ring on it you loser.” right?!) While we were broken up she was sleeping with someone and it still hurts and makes me angry. Before you judge me ask yourself, if we hold chastity at such great importance you can’t then turn around and tell people to just forget about the sin against it. I know she’s good with God but it doesn’t make me feel any less ******. I want to forgive and forget it but it’s eating me away inside, it will pop up in my mind and I feel betrayed by her. It probably sounds silly but It makes me feel replaceable and not special now and if we get married and have sex again.

She is the only girl I’ve ever been with and she is very committed to living a chaste life with me now ( we did have sex in the past) God used me to bring her back to the faith, but she has been with 9 other guys. I would never hold this over her and I know she feels horrible about it. The ones before never bothered me like the one in the middle of what I felt like was a pause in our relationship. This one hurts a lot.

She puts a lot of emphasis on her change in her sexual tendencies and though I would never say it to her, i find myself getting angry when she speaks about chastity as though she hasn’t had sex with so many people. I know I should want her to get closer to God but I’m left feeling pissed off and sad. I feel robed of being the only person to be with her intimately, that is something I have to share with 9 other guys?! Yeah she chose me but can’t I be a little sad about this? Or am I a prick for thinking about it that way?

what she did then it hurts me now and it’s not stoping. Forgiveness doesn’t come with directions. I can say it doesn’t bother me but that is a lie. I can have the intent to forgive but the pain doesn’t go away.

Thanks for the words.🙂
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It’s okay to cool things down and have a think. You don’t owe her fiery ardour at all times. If you’re ever gonna marry her, she’s gotta be a friend anyway. I’m not even saying first and foremost (which is just one of the ways one can look at it), but in some way, to some extent, she just has to be.

And if she’s (supposed to be) committed, then it doesn’t hurt to let her prove it (including to herself). If she needs counselling, let her have it first.

Rings are a serious business, and you owe it to yourself and your kids not to mess up your life. She needs to understand that. Possibly she does.

But she may need counselling if she has self-esteem issues throwing her into easy/unwanted sex.
 
Not to sound oversimplistic, but you have two choices here. 1.) Stay with her, but find a way to forgive her past since there is nothing you can do to change it. You say she feels badly about it and if her feelings are sincere, then it’s time to let her past go. 2.) Let her go if you cannot come to terms with her past. You will have problems down the road. It’s easier to save yourself and her the agony of divorce.

Prayers for you and for her as you both figure out what is best for both of you.
 
The OP is guilty of everything that his ex is guilty of. What he expects her to do is simply a nonissue at this point. He has to solve his own issues first and foremost. One can’t expect another to be an example of a certain lifestyle when he himself has not live up to that example. It’s hypocritical.

It should also be realized that once someone sleeps with another person, ESPECIALLY if it is the first and only person, there is often a bond formed. That bond can result in some bad decision making. That may be the case here, as the OP seems to have an attraction to her yet at the same time doesn’t like some of her (perceived) core values. It might be time to take a breather and consider dating other people.
 
If you are a true christian, then you should just move on my friend. You don’t need such a women to be your wife. Take my words, i’ve been dating girls like that in highschool, they are just hypocrites. They tell you “ilove you” then they cheat on you. Now i didn’t date a girl since 8month, waiting for god to introduce me to the one.🙂
Remember the words of god:

Hebrews 13:4

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

1 Corinthians 6:13

“Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”—and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
 
OP, PLEASE NOTE:

If she does indeed have HPV that caused cervical cancer, and you had sex with her, you are likely infected as well. If you do “move on,” you should be tested for HPV before you enter into a marriage with another woman. It would be tragic if your future wife was infected with this incurable STD that could lead to cervical cancer (or other cancers) for her as well.

This makes me so sad. If only we would all follow God’s plan for sexuality, it would save us so much pain and disease.
 
No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth.

You said she had sex with a person when you broke up, and you said you had sex with her. And you said she had like 9 boy friends, so my guess is she had sex with the 9 aswell.

Sorry for this but if you stay with this girl, you are playing with evil.
 
If it bothers you so much now, you should not marry her - it will only get worse later on.

Were you chaste, or true to her during the time you were broken up? If not, you have no right to say anything at all about her behavior.
 
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