My girlfriends past haunts me

[TheRealJuliane]

This young lady has a 2 year old daughter. That little girl has a biological father somewhere - does he play any part in her life, currently? Unless he signed his parental rights away, he can and could reappear at any point in time and decide to play Daddy. Or, giving him all the benefit of the doubt, he could marry someone and want full custody of his daughter. However unlikely it is to happen, things like this DO happen every day.

Another thing to keep in mind: Promiscuity is also associated with having had an abortion. Many women, having had an abortion, will go back out and be promiscuous, sometimes getting pregnant again, sometimes simply living out their inner conviction of, “I’m not worth anything else.” Praise God that this young lady kept her daughter! And she might not tell you if she has had an abortion (many women keep it a secret for years/decades/their lives).

One other thing to keep in mind: She may have alcoholic tendencies. The sex may be a side effect of binge drinking (impulsive behavior when drunk), which is another entire issue to be dealt with.

I would advise that the relationship is going to be problematic because of the imbalance here. If you were in the same condition, having had sexual encounters that you regretted and had repented for, I’d say go ahead, but with caution. But she is going to tend to feel less-than, and you will have a tendency to come from a morally superior position. You are bothered by her past now, and that doesn’t go away unless the Holy Spirit intercedes. I would urge you to pray about this, and consider your true emotions from the inside all the way out. Are you a generally forgiving person, or do you hold grudges and keep slights forever in your heart? Could you overcome this terrible past this woman has created, even knowing that her daughter could be visiting another man’s home every weekend if the father decides to pursue partial custody? Will you hold this woman’s past against her during an argument, even slightly?

My feeling is that you will have to be a saint on earth going forward.

Also, DO NOT under any circumstances get involved with her little girl at this point. You will only cause pain and suffering should you then decide not to continue.

I am sorry to be so negative, but this situation is not to be made light of IMO. I am a person with a VERY tainted past, but my husband knows it, and does not know exact counts. He was also not pure when we met and I had no expectations that he would be. So at least on that point, we were equally yoked.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

If she was leading a sexually promiscuous lifestyle up to a month before you started going out, that is a big issue. I am a mother of 2 very young children and the first thought that came to my mind was that she behaved in such a destructive way while she had her child. I’m not saying that people can’t change and she is a failure - not at all. But there are red flags all over the place and I would be cautious if I were you. If you can’t deal with her past in terms of the number of men she’s been with, don’t feel pressured by people who think that the past is irrelevant into forcing yourself to accept something that is so difficult for you. Everybody has some kind of a delabreaker when it comes to relationships, even the ‘never judge’ crowd. In any case, take it slowly and see if you two could work together as a married couple, with history as a part of it.

I agree completely. It is way too soon after way too long of promiscuous behavior!

I can easily see how having one man, a faithful one, when she is a single Mom on her own is a big draw. But its too, too soon. It seems like a leap from one lifestyle to the other with no time to think in between.

And you want to be sure loves you, not just a preferable lifestyle for this stage of her life.

 

[starsmurf]

Ok, so ive been dating this girl for around 5 months now, we are both catholic, and her past is cause of a good deal of mental distress in my life. I care about this girl quite a bit, and i can see myself developing a future with her and her 2 year old daughter. When we first started talking she informed me that she had lead a promiscuous lifestyle in the past, sleeping with “25ish men” i was told and often getting intoxicated and “going home with whoever would take me”. Now when getting to know her this was the only red flag i could find and believe me i am a very picky person and a very good judge of character. She had assured me that this was all in her past and she was very ashamed of it and it pains her to think about it. She has also gone to confession and spoken with a priest about this. She was looking for love and going about it completely wrong. She has also had 3 serious relationships in her life time as well. Well since the beginning of the relationship our feelings have grown, we attend church, pray, say the rosary, etc…together. I had also found out that up until a month before we met this behavior was still going on.

My problem is that the thoughts of her past haunt me. I think about it a lot and worry about her reverting to her old lifestye for various reasons, especially with the combination of alcohol and sex. It also worries me that things i have to offer her, not just sexually, may be worth less in her eyes since she has given herself to so many. What can i do to rectify this issue because so far it is the only probllem we have had. But it is a big one.

Sorry to seemingly ramble on, just thought some history on the subject was appropriate.
I appreciate any advice. Thank you!

Hi maxima96se,

The real problem here is not with your girlfriend’s past but with your own feelings about yourself. You are obsessing about her past and worrying that she will revert to it. Why would she if she’s around you? Are you planning to go out partying a lot? It sounds like her drinking was part of trying to numb some emotional pain. If that pain is addressed in other ways (by counseling and the reassurance you can give her) then she won’t need to drink and she won’t want to sleep with other men to try and numb the pain.

The second part of your worries are that you won’t seem as good in many ways (including sexually) as those other men. Many of those men were one night stands or flings so she probably doesn’t even think about them, except as a horrible memory that she tries to forget. In the three cases of serious relationships, I doubt she will be comparing you to them, if she thinks of them at all, she probably compares them to you, with you coming out on top. You’ve come into her life in a totally different way to those other men and you’re obviously a totally different person. You’ve become a father figure to her child, which is much more than the child’s biological father.

I get the feeling that a lot of your distress stems from your own feelings of not being as good as other men. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you are a lot better than most men and certainly better than the men your girlfriend was involved with. Try to stop obsessing about her past and don’t compare yourself to her previous partners.

It sounds like your girlfriend suffers from low self-esteem, so do and say all you can to make her aware of just how much you love her and that, along with her child, she’s the centre of your life. Things like that will boost her self-esteem and help your relationship. It sounds like she desperately craves love and affection and that, sadly, she was fooled into thinking that sex was the only way she could get them. If she’s getting true love and real affection from you, she won’t feel the need to seek fake love elsewhere. It is important that you realise that she’ll most likely need reassurances throughout your relationship and (hopefully) marriage.

I would suggest that you ask your priest if there are any Catholic counseling services in your area. It sounds like both of you could do with some counseling to help your self-esteem. As you both feel more confident, you could try having relationship counselling together. That would give you the chance to ask your girlfriend if there is anything she would like you to do or not do in your relationship. It would also give you the chance to discuss why her previous relationships broke up, so that you can both learn from the past. It would not be a good idea to discuss these things, or the worries that you’ve written about here, at the moment, as you’re both likely to feel rejected. If you told your girlfriend about your worries over her past, she would probably feel rejected. If you continue to constantly worry over her past, she’ll pick up on it and may well end your relationship, because she’ll feel that you’ve rejected her.

I was told by a priest, during my conversion to the Catholic Faith, that once we have confessed our sins and received absolution, God erases them from His memory (obviously that isn’t to be taken literally). I would suggest that you try to do the same, don’t keep thinking about your girlfriend’s past, just think about the time you’ve been together, your present and your future.

I hope you can overcome this and have a happy future together. God bless.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**You’ve become a father figure to her child, which is much more than the child’s biological father.
**

I was told by a priest, during my conversion to the Catholic Faith, that once we have confessed our sins and received absolution, God erases them from His memory (obviously that isn’t to be taken literally). I would suggest that you try to do the same, don’t keep thinking about your girlfriend’s past, just think about the time you’ve been together, your present and your future.

I hope you can overcome this and have a happy future together. God bless.

Not to be argumentative, but your two points here must be highlighted.

They’ve known each other for 5 mos. I hope to GOD he hasn’t already become a father figure to her 2 year old daughter!! There’s a good chance he’s not going to stay with this young lady and that will only break the little girl’s heart and cause her to close off her natural affection. It’s not an easy situation right now but it could get much more problematic if he has been trying to play Daddy to her little girl, however much she needs such a figure in her life (and her mother needs a caring male).

And, yes, Jesus forgives our sins, but we are still left with the temporal effects of those sins - in this case, a child who has a biological father who could still wish to be present in her life at any point in time. These things are just reality, and no amount of forgiveness on the OP’s part will make them disappear.

 

[JRKH]

Every Saint has a past. Every sinner has a future.

My advice would be to simply take any decision slowly and carefully

Your gut will tell you if it is worth investing time in and if the answer is yes, then she will understand.

She has been honest to date with her past. That’s a tough thing to do - credit goes there.

The rest is about protecting yourself and making sure everything is right

I believe time is the best cure for all. Be patient, explain your reasons to want to go s…l…o…w… and if she is genuine she will be in for that plan.

Take your time and reflect honestly

Good luck!

So much good advice but these two stood out to me as really summarizing the best way forward.

May have mentioned “Red Flags”…Which to me indicates" “Stop”…I would prefer to say “Yellow Flags” indicating “proceed with caution”.

There is so little that we know about this relationship that it makes it difficult to give sound advice. It seems that after 5 months you are now thinking about taking this dating to the next level - being courtship - and her past is holding you back on this.
I’d like to offer some random thoughts on the matter…

For a person with such a sinful and self destructive past, 5 months of “sobriety” and “chastity” is a HUGE accomplishment. Don’t underestimate this.
That said - Such destructive behavior over a long period of time is a deeply engrained habit, and if something seriously goes wrong in her life, the temptation can rear it’s head once again. Of course this is something that the two of you will need to discuss over time.
You mention a concern about (if I am reading this right) how she might view your “performance” since she has been with so many…I can identify with this from my own personal history. While my dear wife was not promiscuous, I was certainly not the first man she had been with. BUT - she told me that I was the only man with whom she enjoyed herself with…If you get my drift.
My suspicion is that your girlfriend has had few really satisfying encounters. If you truly love her, and are gentle and if your efforts are geared toward her comfort and enjoyment; if you derive your enjoyment from this giving - and of course accepting her gifts in return, I believe that you will have nothing to worry about in this regard.

Finally, as others have said. Take it slowly. Be as open as possible with her. I would take the approach that it’s not a matter of you not “trusting” her, but more about you needing to “get passed” some of these issues. Tell her how happy she makes you, how much you care for her and her daughter. Tell her that you have some “issues” and you hope that you and she can work them out together as a couple…So that you both become stronger.
As others have said, if she is true and if she feels for you what you feel for her…If she is genuine and if you are each to be God’s gift to each other, then she will be on board for this and will love you all the more.

Peace
James

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think at this point her sexual past is the least of your worries. I ask this in all seriousness, has she been checked out for a bipolar disorder? The drinking, partying, going home with anyone who would take her, and doing it all while she has a child seems pretty destructive to me and its a classic sign of a bipolar disorder.

On the other hand, if I’m wrong you have already been with her for 5 months and you say that the only issue you have is something that happened before you met. If she really has turned around and gotten her life in order and is committed to keeping it that way it’s probably worth it to try to move past it. But only you know her and who she really is. None of us can answer that for you.

One more thing to heavily consider. Are you ready to be a father? If not leave now. If this progresses to marriage you will be a father to that child, and it would be cruel to marry her and reject her child.

 

[Don_Jackson]

I know it’s a cliche, but “Let go…and Let God!”

 

[Chevaleresse]

I know it’s a cliche, but “Let go…and Let God!”

It’s cliché and dismissive of the OPs concerns.

According to:

**The Relationship between Borderline Personality Disorder and Number of Sexual Partners
Randy A. Sansone, Charlene Lam, and Michael W. Wiederman
Journal of Personality Disorders 2011 25:6, 782-788 **

…and other studies, people with higher than average “partner counts” usually have serious mental disorders.

 

[Aggie414]

While I do believe real change is possible and it is quite possible that she’s turned her life around, you two (three with her baby) need to take things extremely slow; if it looks like it’s leading toward marriage, get very in-depth pre-marital counseling.

If, as you say her issues revolved around alcohol use (I don’t remember if you said drugs, too) then that can be an indication of how she deals with stress. If things are going very smooth right now, she might not feel the need to turn to those things to cope. However, we all know that even the best marriages have some levels of stress at certain times; and if she’s going to turn to alcohol to manage the stress, it could lead to a recurrence of those other behaviors as well which would be a tremendous blow to the relationship/marriage.

If she’s truly changed her ways, you’ll be able to see it over a long courtship. The thing you’ve got to fight is the temptation to rush into something more permanent. If she’s pressuring for more permanency, that’s a huge red flag because she’s not willing to deal with her issues in a healthy way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If she’s truly changed her ways, you’ll be able to see it over a long courtship. The thing you’ve got to fight is the temptation to rush into something more permanent. If she’s pressuring for more permanency, that’s a huge red flag because she’s not willing to deal with her issues in a healthy way.

This. Taking it slow is of the utmost importance and the single best piece of advice given on this thread.

On a different note I believe in taking it slow no matter what the person’s past. There is nothing to be gained from getting too serious and invested too soon.

 

[mountee]

You can see some wonderful replies here and I hope you will be able to sort this through together. Frankly, she has accomplished quite a bit if you think about it, including the month she stopped before she met you and the five months you have known each other that is 6 months of change. However, the behavior she engaged in was extremely high risk and needs attention to resolve the issues that sent her down that path. You need to have some sincere conversations about this and your feelings before you allow yourself to get caught up emotionally, for her sake and yours. People like your friend need support to maintain their change but without knowing the reasons she engaged in that behavior you may never make permanent change. God bless you.

 

[hannajomar]

The question I would be asking is why did she decide to make this change?
If it was something internal, such as a spiritual conversion or she became aware of the damage she was doing to her daughter, there’s a better chance that the change will stick. If she changed because of something external, such as legal trouble or to impress you, it could be something more fragile. So far, she’s been away from that lifestyle for six months. Does she still have any desire for it? It’s not true for everyone, but I can say that six months after my big interior conversion, I had no desire to go back to my partying/promiscuous lifestyle. None. In God’s Grace, the desire for those things had been taken from me. I’ve seen other people in whom the lifestyle change was much more difficult.

We are all sinners. Her past is in the past. You need to find out where she stands right now.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Well. The Orthodox Churches don’t get everything right, did they?

I think you refer to the homily of Pope Gregory the Great in his homily in the year 591? I would give that credence, as he did not turn out to the the type to make things up out of thin air.

It is a new view that Mary of Magdala is not the sister of Lazurus and Martha, an idea that came out of the Vatican apparently (but not from the Pope) in 1969. I don’t believe it. I believe as others have believed for centuries that it is the same Mary.

The visions of Blessed Anna Catherine of Emmerich agree with Pope Gregory the great and the traditional interpretation of Mary Magdalene.

She was Mary of Magdala. The city of Magdala was known for its wealth, depravity and prostitutes. She left her childhood home in Bethany and became a great sinner in Magdala. So what would her great sin in Magdala be? Not likely just picking pockets. Instead, something needful of expelling seven demons.

Those who have sinned much, loved much. And Jesus told Martha that her sister Mary surpassed her in love.

These are some of the reasons to embrace the Catholic tradition that Mary of Magdala was a sinner in that way.

 

[JRKH]

Agreed. One month is just not enough time to judge whether someone is truly on the right path.

How about 6 months.
They have been dating for 5 months…and she repented one month before they met…six months…

Peace
James

 

[Lucky7]

How about 6 months.
They have been dating for 5 months…and she repented one month before they met…six months…

Peace
James

Considering her former life involved years? Still not long enough. Maybe that’s not fair, but I think the OP needs to be very careful.

 

[maxima96se]

Wow I cant believe all the great advice you all are offering and the prayers are cetainly appreciated as well.
To address a few things, once her daughter came along the days of heavy drinking and sleeping with anyone were over, however there were few instances since then when she was sleeping with men before they were in a relationship of any kind to try to obtain love. Pretty putting the cart so far ahead of the horse, the horse cant even see it. This, however makes me very uneasy at times when she wants to go out and have a drink with friends.

Also the father of the child is long gone and has nothing to do with her/does not pay his child support, etc. Shes working on getting rights terminated.

Next, I cant believe she has had an abortion at all. She is extremely pro-life and we pray outside the local abortion clinic weekly. She is also very outspoken about the subject.

Lastly, I do realise i have some issues in dealing with this. I have had many in depth conversaitons with her concerning this. I know it causes her pain bringing this up so I try not to bring it up at all. I also realise that if this does not cease it will cause other feelings towards her that i do not want: distrust, anger, resentment, etc…and that will ultimately ruin the relationship. She seems like a very good woman and if she had never told me her past, i wouldve been completely blown away having discovered the truth later on.

I really appreciate all the advice and will continue to pray and seek peace with this. Honestly, being able to talk about it to other catholics, some with similar experiences, has helped too…Thank you all!!

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

True, but the Church publicly named her Blessed. I am just saying - there is a very good case for the long tradition of Mary having been a prostitute. Including that Pope Gregory thought so. I do think St. Mary Magdalene is a Saint for our time!

 

[JRKH]

Considering her former life involved years? Still not long enough. Maybe that’s not fair, but I think the OP needs to be very careful.

Fair enough…I just wanted to correct the apparent misunderstanding about how long it hs been since she repented.

I agree that caution is in order.

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

Wow I cant believe all the great advice you all are offering and the prayers are cetainly appreciated as well.
To address a few things, once her daughter came along the days of heavy drinking and sleeping with anyone were over, however there were few instances since then when she was sleeping with men before they were in a relationship of any kind to try to obtain love. Pretty putting the cart so far ahead of the horse, the horse cant even see it. This, however makes me very uneasy at times when she wants to go out and have a drink with friends.

Also the father of the child is long gone and has nothing to do with her/does not pay his child support, etc. Shes working on getting rights terminated.

Next, I cant believe she has had an abortion at all. She is extremely pro-life and we pray outside the local abortion clinic weekly. She is also very outspoken about the subject.

Lastly, I do realize i have some issues in dealing with this. I have had many in depth conversations with her concerning this. I know it causes her pain bringing this up so I try not to bring it up at all. I also realize that if this does not cease it will cause other feelings towards her that i do not want: distrust, anger, resentment, etc…and that will ultimately ruin the relationship. She seems like a very good woman and if she had never told me her past, i would’ve been completely blown away having discovered the truth later on.

I really appreciate all the advice and will continue to pray and seek peace with this. Honestly, being able to talk about it to other catholics, some with similar experiences, has helped too…Thank you all!!

What you write here is truly encouraging. It sounds like you and she have a pretty good handle on things as they currently stand. Hopefully you and she can help each other to grow spiritually.

One thing that you mention above…I think it was maybe mentioned in the first post as well…is about her “trying to find love” by sleeping with these guys. If I may suggest, the best possible thing for her is for you to love her without sleeping with her. Regardless of where the relationship goes, this will give her a different model than the one she is use to.

As an aside…and I don’t know if anyone else mentioned this…I wonder if she was abused as a child. “Looking for love” by being promiscuous, if I’m not mistaken, is a “classic” result of abuse…
Someone correct me if I’m wrong on this…

Peace
James

 

[maxima96se]

Fair enough…I just wanted to correct the apparent misunderstanding about how long it hs been since she repented.

I agree that caution is in order.

Peace
James

Im not exactly sure…i kind of feel that that is between her and god and not really my business. I already feel out of place like the thoughts i have could be misconstrued as judging her, which i dont want to do…i believe someone earlier said let those without sin cast the first stone. I believe the point, to me at least, was that she did seek forgiveness. Idk…

Also u are correct throughout her life there were instances of sexual abuse as a child and an instance of rape as a young adult…
So yes im sure that is a contributing factor…however, and not to get into too much detail, i tried saving myself for marriage and at 19 was raped by a woman…sooo idk