My good friend frequently wants me to hang out with him and his mistress

[RosslynV]

My good friend, whom I’ve known for years, has been cheating on his wife the past few years. He and his wife have been separated for a long time and live in different homes. So bascically it has been really easy for him to carry on a relationship with another woman.

In addition to our friendship I also do a lot of personal assistant work for him. So it is a close working relationship which began as a friendship. I often find myself socializing with my pal and his girlfriend.

He knows that I do not condone his extramarital affair, but on the other hand I have never had a prolonged talk with him to criticize or admonish his lifestyle. And because of my “part time job”, I find myself also doing errands for his mistress’ behalf, like driving her around, depositing money into her account, etc.

I am starting to feel guilty about being in the middle of this even though their relationship would continue even if iwasnt involved.

Am I somehow enabling my friend? Am I guilty of something? Should I somehow extricate myself out of this situation?

 

[Phil_Marinus]

My good friend, whom I’ve known for years, has been cheating on his wife the past few years. He and his wife have been separated for a long time and live in different homes. So bascically it has been really easy for him to carry on a relationship with another woman.

In addition to our friendship I also do a lot of personal assistant work for him. So it is a close working relationship which began as a friendship. I often find myself socializing with my pal and his girlfriend.

He knows that I do not condone his extramarital affair, but on the other hand I have never had a prolonged talk with him to criticize or admonish his lifestyle. And because of my “part time job”, I find myself also doing errands for his mistress’ behalf, like driving her around, depositing money into her account, etc.

I am starting to feel guilty about being in the middle of this even though their relationship would continue even if iwasnt involved.

Am I somehow enabling my friend? Am I guilty of something? Should I somehow extricate myself out of this situation?

If you a being paid to do this,,,then it is a job,,, what your friend does, is your friends business,,, they are the ones answerable to there conscience and there faith,,,

If it all seems to work, then why ok the boat…

 

[robwar]

Is he paying you to do stuff for the girlfriend? I think I would follow my conscious and back out of this arrangement. It sound like you are being used and sucked into doing things for the GF. It is always tricky to have a friendship then on top of that have some kind of working arrangement with that person. Either you just have the paid working arrangement or you are his friend but it seems like lines are being blurred here and maybe you just need to get out of it all together and move on.

 

[MaryT777]

If you a being paid to do this,then it is a job, what your friend does, is your friends business, they are the ones answerable to there conscience and there faith,
If it all seems to work, then why ok the boat…

I agree with this. You are not responsible for your friend’s choices.
Mary.

 

[tawny]

Is he paying you to do stuff for the girlfriend? I think I would follow my conscious and back out of this arrangement. It sound like you are being used and sucked into doing things for the GF. It is always tricky to have a friendship then on top of that have some kind of working arrangement with that person. Either you just have the paid working arrangement or you are his friend but it seems like lines are being blurred here and maybe you just need to get out of it all together and move on.

Agree.

 

[KrazyKat]

My good friend, whom I’ve known for years, has been cheating on his wife the past few years. He and his wife have been separated for a long time and live in different homes. So bascically it has been really easy for him to carry on a relationship with another woman.

In addition to our friendship I also do a lot of personal assistant work for him. So it is a close working relationship which began as a friendship. I often find myself socializing with my pal and his girlfriend.

He knows that I do not condone his extramarital affair, but on the other hand I have never had a prolonged talk with him to criticize or admonish his lifestyle. And because of my “part time job”, I find myself also doing errands for his mistress’ behalf, like driving her around, depositing money into her account, etc.

I am starting to feel guilty about being in the middle of this even though their relationship would continue even if iwasnt involved.

Am I somehow enabling my friend? Am I guilty of something? Should I somehow extricate myself out of this situation?

You can be friendly but not friends. Unless the money is that important to you I would not socialize with them.

 

[EasterJoy]

It might have done more good to raise this scruple several years back. The short answer is that unless he is asking you to directly cooperate in his misbehavior–booking hotel rooms for the two of them, buying her jewelry, that kind of thing–you are not duty-bound to avoid having anything to do with this pair. It is a spiritual work of mercy to admonish a sinner, but we are not required to throw pearls before swine. Consider whether your actions are encouraging or discouraging their sin, but if the question is whether it is allowed to socialize with or be employed by unrepentant adulterers. the answer is yes, it is allowed.

If I were to be honest, were I in your shoes and alone with the woman, I’d be extremely tempted to ask if she trusted him, and would quote the old adage, “A mistress who takes the place of a wife creates a job opening.” I have known people lured into that “job” by slanderous stories told about the spouse being cheated on. They realize later that a cheater should be suspected as a liar as well, so that everything the cheater says ought to be taken with a grain of salt. If she protests that she is a cheater, too, then ask her how she carried on an affair without ever lying to anyone. Not even by omission? That is a rarity. Yet she knows her lover couldn’t have been with her unless he was willing to either lie to his wife or else to flagrantly betray her under her nose, to the point of disgrace. Even if the woman you’re talking to has been a liar, the way to amendment isn’t to hang around with co-conspirators and pretend at being honest people. Just a thought.

I say this because the best thing that could happen at this point is for this pair to repent, part ways, and do some hard thinking about their integrity. There are those who fall, and sometimes they amend their ways and make amends for the damage they’ve done, but I wouldn’t wish marriage to someone who sees no wrong in adultery on my worst enemy. No thank you, I’d not wish my worst enemy to go to sea in that boat! I would not fail to tell them both that, given the opportunity.

BTW, if he’d cheat on his wife, I wouldn’t be so sure that he’d never throw you under the bus when push came to shove, either. That is not someone I’d put into a position of great trust, because he is not the one having these scruples. He cheated, and you are the one worried about doing the right thing by his wife and his marriage. Has he given a second thought to the way he has treated his wife? Does* he worry about putting you in a bad spot by asking you to have anything to do with his *brazen behavior? Why do you think you would score a higher esteem than his wife? Think about that.

 

[Irishmom2]

EasterJoy, you continue to amaze me with you spot on replies.

 

[Pax2u]

I would not work for him, and would not socialize with the couple.

I would be pleasant if we bumped into one another, but that would be the extent of it. Better to flip burgers and not be involved in that kind of a mess.

 

[Demetra2]

I would not work for him, and would not socialize with the couple.

I would be pleasant if we bumped into one another, but that would be the extent of it. Better to flip burgers and not be involved in that kind of a mess.

I have to agree with this. Try to get out of this morally unpleasant situation. If you are asking the question in a Catholic forum then it must sincerely bother you. Find another position so you won’t have financial problems and then leave. You will feel great relief.

 

[crystal_waters]

Do the personal assistant work but draw the line at that… tell him you will socialize with him but only him…say you will NOT hang around his mistress or do anything to condone or help conceal their affair…it is not fair to his poor wife and its not fair to burden you with his sinful behaviour

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It might have done more good to raise this scruple several years back. The short answer is that unless he is asking you to directly cooperate in his misbehavior–booking hotel rooms for the two of them, buying her jewelry, that kind of thing–you are not duty-bound to avoid having anything to do with this pair. It is a spiritual work of mercy to admonish a sinner, but we are not required to throw pearls before swine. Consider whether your actions are encouraging or discouraging their sin, but if the question is whether it is allowed to socialize with or be employed by unrepentant adulterers. the answer is yes, it is allowed.

If I were to be honest, were I in your shoes and alone with the woman, I’d be extremely tempted to ask if she trusted him, and would quote the old adage, “A mistress who takes the place of a wife creates a job opening.” I have known people lured into that “job” by slanderous stories told about the spouse being cheated on. They realize later that a cheater should be suspected as a liar as well, so that everything the cheater says ought to be taken with a grain of salt. If she protests that she is a cheater, too, then ask her how she carried on an affair without ever lying to anyone. Not even by omission? That is a rarity. Yet she knows her lover couldn’t have been with her unless he was willing to either lie to his wife or else to flagrantly betray her under her nose, to the point of disgrace. Even if the woman you’re talking to has been a liar, the way to amendment isn’t to hang around with co-conspirators and pretend at being honest people. Just a thought.

I say this because the best thing that could happen at this point is for this pair to repent, part ways, and do some hard thinking about their integrity. There are those who fall, and sometimes they amend their ways and make amends for the damage they’ve done, but I wouldn’t wish marriage to someone who sees no wrong in adultery on my worst enemy. No thank you, I’d not wish my worst enemy to go to sea in that boat! I would not fail to tell them both that, given the opportunity.

BTW, if he’d cheat on his wife, I wouldn’t be so sure that he’d never throw you under the bus when push came to shove, either. That is not someone I’d put into a position of great trust, because he is not the one having these scruples. He cheated, and you are the one worried about doing the right thing by his wife and his marriage. Has he given a second thought to the way he has treated his wife? Does* he worry about putting you in a bad spot by asking you to have anything to do with his *brazen behavior? Why do you think you would score a higher esteem than his wife? Think about that.

Here’s the thing, the couple has been separated for years and lives in different homes. There is a good chance that they are both seeing other people. It wouldn’t even shock me to find out that the wife knows about the girlfriend. It isn’t uncommon for people who are separated to date, and sometimes, it’s even expected.

For me, that’s what this would hinge on. Is this a clandestine affair, or is it a case of dating before the divorce papers are finalized?

 

[EasterJoy]

Here’s the thing, the couple has been separated for years and lives in different homes. There is a good chance that they are both seeing other people. It wouldn’t even shock me to find out that the wife knows about the girlfriend. It isn’t uncommon for people who are separated to date, and sometimes, it’s even expected.

For me, that’s what this would hinge on. Is this a clandestine affair, or is it a case of dating before the divorce papers are finalized?

They’re still married, and the OP characterized the affair as “cheating” on the wife, which implies that she has not given her blessing to extramarital dalliances. That the wife knows about the girlfriend does not make it right. It may only mean that the wife is impotent to do anything about it.