My good friend getting married to same sex

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PeterDaRock

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Hello friends,

I’m in real need for advice. I’m a 31 year-old Catholic male that just got engaged. Two months prior to engagement, a high school gal friend found me again after eleven years. We found out that we had liked eachother back then but it was nothing more than that. She is not Catholic, Christian but non-practicing.

When she was 13, the doctor told her she would not be able to bear children. For the past 10 years, she had been in and out of two homo-sexual relationships. In between those two relationship, she had a run in with an old boyfriend and got pregnant at 27. She loves children so had her daughter and became a single mom.

After finding me, she thought we could work something out but I ended up proposing to my now fiance. She then met a lady and said that she is engaged and getting married this month. The last thing I told her was that “I am happy you are happy. You know how I feel about marriage.” She is a real good friend and I don’t want to lose the friendship.

Any advice to save this friendship would help. I told her the story of my conversion and how import God and the Catholic faith is in my life. That is why I said what I said.

with hope and prayers,

PeterDaRock
 
Sadly, alot of friendships end over something like this. It’s really sad.

To my gay friends, and I have several, I say, “Look, I love you crazy. Your a brother/sister to me. When we hang out, let’s not talk about our private lives in depth.”

Most of my gay friends (I only have a few) understand and agree.

Sexuality is such a small part of life-I don’t let it ruin friendships. The one family I have knows my views, and she stopped talking to me.

Her loss. I’m a really cool guy. :cool:
 
Peter,

I recommend that you counsel this woman to avoid another homosexual relationship. The Truth is that what she doing is an occasion for mortal sin. That means that be entering into a relationship where she engages in homosexual acts could result in her going to Hell.

This is not about being judgemental or hating her or being a bigot. This is about trying to save her soul.

It is true that only GOD can judge us in the end. You should not say that she will go to Hell - only that scriptures and the Church teach us that homosexual actions are gravely disordered and have the potential to separate us from God eternally.

Think of it this way, if she were leaning over a cliff and was only suspended by a frayed rope - would you remain quiet just because she might get mad at you for interrupting her enjoyment of climbing? No, you would speak up and try to get her to save her own life by climbing back to a safe spot.

Where the consequences are eternal, how much more important is it to counsel her kindly and lovingly to get her to avoid this terrible sin?

Before you have this conversation, study carefully Church teaching on same sex relations and understand how to rebut the sophist arguments that homosexual activists throw up to confuse people. I recommend this article as a good start: kofc.org/un/eb/en/resources/cis/CIS385.pdf

One other thing: The Bible (Malachai?) teaches that if you don’t warn someone about their sin, then YOU can be guilty.

Don’t let your desire for friendship stand in the way of preaching the Truth and trying to bring this woman to the Light. If she reviles you, then remember Jesus’ words that "Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven."

I will pray for you.

God Bless.
 
ContegoFides said:
I recommend that you counsel this woman to avoid another homosexual relationship. The Truth is that what she doing is an occasion for mortal sin. That means that be entering into a relationship where she engages in homosexual acts could result in her going to Hell.
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This may be an occasion for a great deal of prudence. Let us remember that for a sin to be mortal, it requires not only a grave matter but also full knowledge and deliberate consent. In this case, the OP’s friend more than likely does not have full knowledge, and as our Catechism states, unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense (1860). Counseling others needs to be done carefully and in such a way that the person who is counseled is not turned away from Catholic teaching.
 
This may be an occasion for a great deal of prudence. Let us remember that for a sin to be mortal, it requires not only a grave matter but also full knowledge and deliberate consent. In this case, the OP’s friend more than likely does not have full knowledge, and as our Catechism states, unintentional ignorance can diminish or even remove the imputability of a grave offense (1860). Counseling others needs to be done carefully and in such a way that the person who is counseled is not turned away from Catholic teaching.
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Exactly true, which is why I couched what I said carefully. It’s also why you have to be highly educated on the issue so that you can delicately handle the sophist arguments that are used to the contrary.

However, I would modify your last sentence somewhat, perhaps in a way you originally intended, “in such a way that the person who is counseled is not turned away from Catholic teaching” by our attitude. Even when the Lord himself taught, many rejected him, so we should expect Catholic teaching to be rejected by some on the merits.
 
Maybe a good round-about way to go about this to try to convince her that the Catholic Church is the True Church of Jesus Christ. If she can be convinced there, then much will fall into place.
 
Thanks for all the replies so far.
Please consider the following as well:
  1. I live 3 hours from her(in no situation to physically be around her and her child)
  2. She did not tell me she was entering this relationship until it was too serious(two weeks ago, she has been talking to the other lady for about two months).
  3. She is a single mom out on her own (any partner or friendship is critical to her everyday needs).
  4. She is a non-practicing Christian that has never been married. She told me she is waiting for the right person.
So getting married for her, be it a man or woman I believe is to help in the situation with raising her daughter as well.

In my conversations in the past with her, we only chatted about daily activities and family life. There was a moment that we did talk about her past relationship but we did not go deep into it since it was only about three months since she found me.

I hope this makes things clearer for all who is reading. I have not talked to her for two days because I need some asistance

With hope and prayers

PeterDaRock
 
In spite of your past association, I don’t see why this can’t be a friendly, casual relationship. She is into her lifestyle and you have yours, but there shouldn’t be anything stopping you from having the same sort of conversations you were having before you found out about the “marriage”. It would be good for her to have a straight, Catholic, unjudgemental male friend. What does your fiance think about this? She should not mind and be kept informed. If she is not comfortable with it, then you should drop the friendship and walk away.
 
I have told my fiance about her and she is ok with me talking to my friend. I know I will not have an influence in my friend getting married or not. I have not been around long enough to have an impact in this area of her life.

I guess my question here is what would Jesus do? Do I:
  1. Tell her that getting married to this lady is totally the wrong thing to do and lose her as a friend?
  2. Tell her how I feel and respect each others beliefs? And go on with our friendship even though she will be married? (how would the church view this?)
I really don’t want to drag it out.

with hope and prayers,

PeterDaRock
 
I was put into a situation kind of like this (a friend asked me how I could reconcile my own beliefs with those of the Church, when the Church was against homosexuality - turned out that she asked because her brother recently announced he was gay), and I handled it badly (I backed down completely).

If I had the courage to do the right thing, I’d make my views known, but try to ensure that it was done in a friendly and non-judgemental way - that is, try to highlight that I love the sinner, hate the sin. I think that if you are strong in your faith, you can be friends with someone who has a different outlook on these things, but never allow them to push their beliefs onto you. My fear at the time was that I would be attacked, and I’m not the world’s best apologist, especially thinking on my feet, so I avoid confrontation where I can.

I’d make sure your views are known, so that when she sees you or speaks to you, she is reminded of what your views are, then leave it. If asked anything specifically, state your case, otherwise be friends.
 
  1. I live 3 hours from her(in no situation to physically be around her and her child)
  2. She did not tell me she was entering this relationship until it was too serious(two weeks ago, she has been talking to the other lady for about two months).
  3. She is a single mom out on her own (any partner or friendship is critical to her everyday needs).
  4. She is a non-practicing Christian that has never been married. She told me she is waiting for the right person
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.

OK, lets pretend for a minute that this was a hetersexual relationship - maybe you should share some other concerns you would probably have in order to help her understand your/our/Church’s views on marriage.
  1. She has only known her two months - this is not enough time to know someone and commit the rest of your life to them
  2. Marriage is sacramental (if this were heterosexual) how can someone without a relationship with God have a sacramental relationship involving God and another person (see your comment #4)
  3. Does she really want someone she has only known two months to be a permanent part of her child’s life. It would take me two months of knowing someone atleast before I even introduced him to my child if I were single IMHO.
 
One of my best friends is a gay man. I’m not going to scare him away, because he was there for me during the hard times. And when I reverted, he was one of the fews who stayed a friend, even though his Catholic parents threw him out of the house because he was gay. So he has plenty of anger at Catholics in general. I couldn’t stand to lose him as a friend, and we don’t talk about our romantic lives in great detail.
 
Its been a while but thanks for all of your help. I did have a talk with her although not enough was said because we were cut short. At least she knows how I feel about the situation and that we talked it through. I’m pretty sure more and more of us will face this issue as gay marriages are more out in the media today.
 
For what it’s worth my friend, I handle my gay friends like this-I love them to death, and I pray for them, and myself all the time.
 
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