My grandmother hates me

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lovedance4ever

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When it rains, it pours.

I am not going to complain about not having friends, because it truly is like whipping a dead horse, and I am sure those of you who have seen some of my previous posts, do not want to hear about it again. However, something really hurtful happened in my family, and I just need to vent about it, and ask for prayers.

This coming Monday, I was supposed to be taking a trip down to Virginia to visit my dream law school; the location is amazing, its ranking in the US is amazing, and best of all, the tuition is a fraction of the typical law school cost. And so several months ago, I made reservations to get a tour of the campus.

Well, my family is now facing some severe financial difficulties and my parents told me several days ago that I would have to cancel my plans. I know that it really hurt them to have to do that, because they know how much it means to me. Of course I understand the situation, but honestly, it really hurts to have to do that.

My father then said that he would ask my nana (his mother) for money that I would be able to repay in time. She is a very, very wealthy woman, and basically hands out money to my cousins whenever they need it. I have NEVER asked her for a dime, nor would I ever expect her to treat me as she does her favorite grandchildren (and believe me, my three cousins are her favorites), but this time I really needed the money and I truly believed that she would lend it to me, as well. But my father called up, and she proceeded to lay into him, saying that Virginia is a terrible place (mind you, she has NEVER been to Virginia before). My dad tried to explain that it is one of the top law schools in the country, but it still wasn’t good enough for her. She told him in no uncertain terms, that I could not have the money.

I am crushed. The one thing that I really, really wanted to do this summer has been taken away from me. I won’t go into it, but this summer has truly been hell for me, and I was so hoping to get away for a few days where I could think of my future. I thought that things wouldn’t seem so bleak then.

I know my nana hates me. Every time I try to kiss her, she pulls away from me. She basically blames me for an argument that went on between my father and my aunt (with which I had nothing to do, other than supporting my father in his decision to confront my aunt about her abusive treatment of him). Well, I won’t get into all of that here.

I am just extremely hurt. I am unable to save money to go on my own at this time, because I give whatever I earn to my parents. They need my help, and I am absolutely willing to give it to them without question. I was just hoping that this ONE time, my nana would come through for me. But I guess she would rather support my cousin’s immoral lifestyle, than her other grandchild who hopes to go to law school to better her family.

I am so sorry, I am all over the place right now. I just needed to vent a little. Please pray for my parents and their financial situations.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with anger? I am so angry and hurt right now…and I do not know how to handle any of it.
 
I am so sorry to hear about this, that sounds like a really difficult situation and I’m sure anyone would be upset over it. 😦

It sounds like your grandmother has some major problems of her own. I have something of a temper, but the thing that helped me learn to rein it in was thinking about how bad off the person who made me mad must be to do something that callous and I end up feeling more sorry for the person than I am mad. Being mad and having someone do mean things to you really sucks, but it must be really unpleasant inside your grandmother’s head if she plays favorites, holds grudges, and can’t see fit to be charitable to her granddaughter when it counts. Also, concentrate on the good you are doing. You’re helping your parents out during difficult times. Not everyone would do that so willingly. Even if your grandmother can’t see it, you are a good person and are doing your best that’s all anyone has can reasonably expect from you. If they expect more, that’s their problem, not yours.

If there’s no way you could go on the trip, maybe you could find something to do that will help cheer you up instead and get your mind off of it, then you can reschedule the trip.
 
lovedance4ever said:
…she proceeded to lay into him, saying that Virginia is a terrible place (mind you, she has NEVER been to Virginia before). My dad tried to explain that it is one of the top law schools in the country, but it still wasn’t good enough for her. She told him in no uncertain terms, that I could not have the money.
…
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Is she open to helping you get to a different law school?
 
lovedance4ever,

There are at least two bad ideas in your plan:
  1. law school
  2. borrowing from relatives
There’s now a lot of concern that law school is a dead end, given the overproduction of lawyers. You could wind up with massive debt and without a job that would earn enough to pay it back. If you aren’t paying cash for this (and it doesn’t sound like you are) or don’t have a huge scholarship, law school is a mistake.

Borrowing from relatives is usually a big no-no. A lot of people believe (like myself) believe that we should never lend to relatives. If I want to help a relative, I can just give them the money. If I don’t have the money to give, I shouldn’t lend it.

There are a couple more debatable points in your post.
  1. It’s not necessary to visit a school before going there. I went to both my out-of-state undergrad and my out-of-state grad schools without ever having set foot there before, and that was two decades ago. These days you can collect huge amounts of information at your desk. An in-person visit is a luxury. (That said, I know graduate programs where they fly the prospectives out for a weekend visit and make a big dog and pony show out of it.)
  2. There must be some lawyers here who can chime in, but there may be some issues with going to school in Virginia if you don’t intend to work there. I suspect that you would be best served to go to law school (if you must) in the same state you intend to work (with certain high profile exceptions, naturally).
Your relationship with your grandma may be terrible, but she is in the right not to financially assist you in making some serious mistakes.
 
triumphguy said:
Is she open to helping you get to a different law school?
Click to expand...
No, she pretty much doesn’t care what I do and I do not think she is willing to help me at all financially. She said that I should go to our local law school (which is ranked as one of the worst in the country). My father explained all of this to her, and she did not believe him.
 
In Virginia you can ‘read the law.’ Maybe see if you can get a ‘career job’ as a paralegal or a clerk, rub shoulders with somebody with a j.d., and have them prep you for the bar exam.

Cheap and good law school in Virginia…I’m assuming Appy school of law in Grundy?
 
I’m very sorry to hear about this, but yes, you can go to law school without visiting there first usually. I’m a lawyer myself, and don’t recall much of importance in the visitation at the school occurring.

The rejection of your grandmother probably hurts most though. Also, while its easier to pass the Bar exam in the state you we t to law school in since you’ll be more exposed to that state’s law, it’s not too difficult to take a Bar exam in a different state, you’ll just need to bone up on that state’s legal differences.
 
Xantippe said:
lovedance4ever,

There are at least two bad ideas in your plan:
  1. law school
  2. borrowing from relatives
There’s now a lot of concern that law school is a dead end, given the overproduction of lawyers. You could wind up with massive debt and without a job that would earn enough to pay it back. If you aren’t paying cash for this (and it doesn’t sound like you are) or don’t have a huge scholarship, law school is a mistake.

Borrowing from relatives is usually a big no-no. A lot of people believe (like myself) believe that we should never lend to relatives. If I want to help a relative, I can just give them the money. If I don’t have the money to give, I shouldn’t lend it.

There are a couple more debatable points in your post.
  1. It’s not necessary to visit a school before going there. I went to both my out-of-state undergrad and my out-of-state grad schools without ever having set foot there before, and that was two decades ago. These days you can collect huge amounts of information at your desk. An in-person visit is a luxury. (That said, I know graduate programs where they fly the prospectives out for a weekend visit and make a big dog and pony show out of it.)
  2. There must be some lawyers here who can chime in, but there may be some issues with going to school in Virginia if you don’t intend to work there. I suspect that you would be best served to go to law school (if you must) in the same state you intend to work (with certain high profile exceptions, naturally).
Your relationship with your grandma may be terrible, but she is in the right not to financially assist you in making some serious mistakes.
Click to expand...
I agree with this entire post. If your family cannot afford to help you go to law school and you must subsist on loans for three years to get by, then you should not go. Period. Unless for some amazing reason you would qualify for a stupendous scholarhsip.

Invest your future into a career that is up and coming or at least stable. Student loans can take anyone’s standard of living down several notches as you spend years, if not decades, cleaning up the mess you made by living beyond your means.

I’m sure that you are super bright, don’t buy into the lie that you need this sort of degree to move forward. Perhaps look into an MBA at a nearby public university, that would open more doors for you if you feel that you must get an advanced degree. Find a program that caters to working folks, so that you can take classes in the evenings or on the weekend. Good luck!

PS: Forgive your grandmother. Pray for her and ask yourself what you can do for her instead of seeing her as an ATM.
 
Dearest Love Dance,

I’m sorry you are feeling hurt by your grandmother.

Keep in mind that anyone (wealthy or not) has the choice to decide how and when they share their money.

Since it is her money that you would like to borrow, she has a right to say “no”. Even if it hurts to hear her say no and it hurts that she shares money with others - it is her money and her choice.

My children have been able to finance their “dreams” with school without money from family. Sometimes it takes thinking outside the box.

Let go of bitterness. Love your grandmother even if you think she doesn’t like you. Know that financing your dreams and education comes from your own abilities. Do not be upset with anyone who says “no” in regards to their money.

May God help you find peace about your grandmother and your finances.
 
I don’t know if your grandmother hates you - nor if she hates your father - and you by proxy.

But may I ask what kind of relationship you had with her before the issue of money came up?
Have you visited, written or called often? Have you been interested in her life?

It’s entirely possible that she has a stronger relationship with your aunt (her daughter) than your father. And maybe she spent more time with them, and got to know them better over the years.

I understand difficult relationships with grandparents. My grandmother was no peach either. But I think she was just as inconsiderate to everyone (although, I don’t know that). I never did have a loving relationship with her.

As your grandmother - she doesn’t owe you this money. Maybe she has reasons that she doesn’t wish to articulate. Maybe she does believe this is not a good choice - either of careers or schools. Maybe she is worried about her money running out. No matter how well off you may think she is, she may not feel the same way.

I don’t know. But you should try to establish a good relationship with her before you expect that she would help you in this way. (and, to be honest, if i had had to establish a loving relationship with my father’s mother, I would have had a difficult time doing so)
 
I have my own flakey relatives and from what you describe, don’t expect anything out of your grandmother. I am not going to offer career advice. There are many possibilities as to her reaction. Sometimes grandparents can’t stand it if a certain grandchild is gifted especially if that one resembles the wrong child. Sometimes just adhering to a certain religious faith makes it awful.😉 And sometimes it is simply who the child resembles. You cannot change your grandmother but you can change yourself. :hug1: So my advice is to just assume she will be of zero help and good luck with your future college.
 
Honey, I am sure your grandma doesn’t hate you but I truly understand your disappointment. Trust me, in the future, you will be glad for this refusal. Let me explain.

As other posters mentioned, we all having funky relatives. My husband’s own parents would not lend us the $1500 we needed to get a private autism evaluation for my son. So, trust me when I say that the hurt must run deep. However, 8 years later, we no longer have the guilt trips that other family members now have who were more successful in procuring money.

Please pray for your grandmother. I will also pray for your intentions tonight.
 
Consider reading the thread on family scapegoating if you haven’t already.

I agree that nobody is obligated to lend money, and a visit to a law school isn’t necessary, yet it seems to me that the real pain comes from the noticeable difference in treatment of grandchildren. I’ve watched my own mother do this–although I don’t think my kids are quite aware of all that goes on.

It’s a long, slow process, unless God grants a miracle, of healing from that kind of rejection. Pray. Focus on your own life. Focus on doing things you love. Pray. Don’t expect anything from your grandmother in future.
 
lovedance4ever said:
I was just hoping that this ONE time, my nana would come through for me. But I guess she would rather support my cousin’s immoral lifestyle, than her other grandchild who hopes to go to law school to better her family.
Click to expand...
Here is my drive-by thought (I haven’t read the whole thread :o): When I and a few of my cousins started becoming old enough to think about “the future,” my very quiet, kind and introverted grandfather asked what I wanted to do as far as college (I didn’t want to go to college) and he said that if I needed financial help it would be there. A year or two later, after lending a lot of money and co-signing on a car loan that he was left to pay for another cousin (a “favorite” partly because he lived next door to my grandparents and had practically been raised by them), he felt used and wounded by the bad experience and said that he would never lend money to a grandchild again. Maybe your grandmother’s support of this “immoral lifestyle” is the reason she may feel jaded against supporting anyone else?
 
SecretaryMonday,

And in your grandfather’s case, he may also have been finding himself short of funds all that lending and cosigning.

Lending money to grandchildren—worst financial idea ever.
 
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