My grandmother is scared

[Talevita]

My grandmother is turning 78 this April. My husband and I went to her home yesterday to spend all day with her, playing games and talking. I don’t get to see her very often. Well somewhere yesterday the topic of death came up and I learned that she is absolutely terrified of death. She has a hard time falling asleep because of it and she was describing some nightmares that she’s had, too. She mentioned purgatory a lot. My grandfather is trying to convince her that this life is purgatory and the perfect happiness of Heaven directly follows, she has no reason to be scared or nervous. I had no idea she felt this way and I don’t know anybody else who is scared of death. Is there anything I can do to make her feel better and ease her mind? (I don’t know if that’s the term that should be used). Thank you.

 

[GEddie]

My grandmother is turning 78 this April. My husband and I went to her home yesterday to spend all day with her, playing games and talking. I don’t get to see her very often. Well somewhere yesterday the topic of death came up and I learned that she is absolutely terrified of death. She has a hard time falling asleep because of it and she was describing some nightmares that she’s had, too. She mentioned purgatory a lot. My grandfather is trying to convince her that this life is purgatory and the perfect happiness of Heaven directly follows, she has no reason to be scared or nervous. I had no idea she felt this way and I don’t know anybody else who is scared of death. Is there anything I can do to make her feel better and ease her mind? (I don’t know if that’s the term that should be used). Thank you.

Feel free to PM me, if you care to, as I, personally, relate very well to this situation; but PMs may be more helpful than a public thread.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My grandmother is turning 78 this April. My husband and I went to her home yesterday to spend all day with her, playing games and talking. I don’t get to see her very often. Well somewhere yesterday the topic of death came up and I learned that she is absolutely terrified of death. She has a hard time falling asleep because of it and she was describing some nightmares that she’s had, too. She mentioned purgatory a lot. My grandfather is trying to convince her that this life is purgatory and the perfect happiness of Heaven directly follows, she has no reason to be scared or nervous. I had no idea she felt this way and I don’t know anybody else who is scared of death. Is there anything I can do to make her feel better and ease her mind? (I don’t know if that’s the term that should be used). Thank you.

I assume she is Catholic? Has she spoken to a priest lately? Has she been going to confession and taking the Eucharist? Maybe there is something on her conscience in particular. Is she well or in ill health? She probably also needs to see her doctor, it sounds like she might have quite a bit of anxiety. Sometimes that can be a side effect of medications; many times it can be helped greatly by medication. Not medical advice, mind you, just tell her to go see her doctor and her spiritual director ASAP.

 

[1ke]

I suggest she talk to her priest and frequent the sacraments.

 

[Mintaka]

I can identify. After never being particularly scared of death and a good many depressive times when I longed for it, I suddenly found myself in my thirties being scared witless by the prospect. So here are a few thoughts to help get past this paralyzing and unnerving fear.

Obviously, Catholic tradition is not to be scared of death. But we are only human, and our minds and bodies are very changeable. Feelings come and go. It’s what you do with them that counts. There have been saints who have found themselves with a paralyzing fear of death. The proper answer is to love God and trust Him to help you through the fear.

First of all, brooding isn’t a good thing. Make sure your grandmother has enough going on to occupy her time. Is she getting enough sleep, exercise, food, visits, fun, creative projects, etc.? Is she really afraid that she doesn’t matter to anyone and nobody will care when she’s gone? Depression or illness can cause all kinds of “bad thoughts” and fears. If you have better things to think about, the bad thoughts will be forgotten.

Second, all Christians are supposed to be “in training” for death, or rather, for the afterlife. Old people are no exception to this. The Catholic tradition includes many spiritual training guides.

If your grandmother is really really afraid of death, you probably want to go slowly, with books more about increasing one’s love of God and intensifying one’s prayer life. Things like St. Therese’s The Story of a Soul, St. Teresa of Avila’s book The Interior Castle, Thomas a Kempis’ The Imitation of Christ, The Practice of the Presence of God, or St. John of the Cross’ beginners’ book The Ascent of Mount Carmel. Obviously the Gospels would also help a lot, or consoling prayers like the Divine Mercy Chaplet or the Rosary.

OTOH, if your grandmother’s the kind who’s frustrated by her fear and would rather go straight at things, St. Robert Bellarmine’s book The Art of Dying Well is very helpful. Most translations include only the first part (for people not dying soon), which may be more tactful. (The second part is for people who are pretty sure they’re going to be dying pretty soon, like in the next few months or days.) There’s also books by him on consoling topics like the communion of the saints, etc. He wrote most of these devotional books for ordinary people when he was old himself.

And as everybody else has said, obviously talking to a priest, getting to Mass or at least receiving the Eucharist, adoration, etc. will help.

 

[Mintaka]

If what’s she’s really most scared about is Purgatory and not death:

Going to Confession will be particularly helpful. Daily Mass, too.

Also, don’t forget partial indulgences and plenary indulgences. If she can work on getting a plenary indulgence for herself (which she can do anytime she’s gone to Confession and Communion within about 14-21 days, and she prays for the Pope’s intentions), she may be more able to put aside fears of Purgatory. There are many plenary indulgences which can be obtained every day that’s under the conditions above, by simple actions like reading Scripture or praying the Rosary.

EWTN on the current Church conditions for getting a plenary indulgence.

Old unofficial copy of the Church’s Handbook of Indulgences. It doesn’t include Divine Mercy Sunday on the list.

Finally, do try to get together with her and her husband and the local parish to ensure that she will get the Anointing of the Sick (including the Apostolic Blessing) before death, which would ensure that she does go directly to heaven. There’s no greater provider of peace of mind than knowing that you will receive this Sacrament.

 

[Talevita]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. It’s very sad that she has to work a full time job to pay for everything, she’s a Sam’s Club greeter on a varying schedule. My father is trying to help her stop. She would probably be interested in daily Mass if it was an option. When I saw her we never mentioned speaking to a priest - I wouldn’t be surprised if she has and will encourage her to go again. I know she has a good relationship with her parish priest. This will be a difficult thing for her to get through, and I will do my best to help with my family. Thanks again.

 

[Crumpy]

My mother is fearful of death, and part of that, she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Years ago, I got a four-year degree in psychology, and the subject of death was never discussed in this mass-production cookie-cutter eduction university.

Nevertheless, I developed my own thoughts about it. She is probably afraid of death mostly ***because of ***her religous upbringing. She didn’t go that far in school. She was a high school dropout. High school is that level of education where you have to commit to study and learning. It’s beyond the rote level of learning in elementary school. My mother did not thrive there.

My own experience of high school was discomfort that the paradigm of education had changed, with nobody explaining it – this shift to more rapid-paced learning and more involvement in the education process – more self-education.

That’s where I see my mother’s failure in general, is in proper self-education. That is a general problem for her – not capable to self-educate.

THAT is why the suggestions above are aimed at educating your grandmother.

So, you really have to be gentle. The direct, head-on “here it is Grandma” type of education probably will backfire.

One example of my mother’s recent discomfort with death was denial of her age. I was trying to tell her she was 86 and she was arguing that she was not that old. Hah, then when her birthday came around, all the cards said “happy 87th birthday.”

Well, the 87 year-old woman across the street just died. She was three months older than my mother.

Our local TV station was the first in the country (they say) to start broadcasting obituary notices several times a day. My mother’s glued to that, when it comes on. Most of the death notices are for people younger than herself.

I guess I’m trying to say I gave up on the direct approach. I mean, after all, what CAN you say to somebody who’s afraid of dying? I mean, at age 87, how can anybody convince her of what she’s been trying to avoid thinking about her whole life?

I agree – just be nice to her and live each day. If you don’t live close, why not call more often? Today long-distance phone service is a free add-on. It’s not like it is 30 cents a minute like it was 25 years ago. Try to keep her involved and from feeling isolated.

Everybody is stressed at the time of dying. Maybe the best IS to avoid thinking about it and being paralyzed by fear until the very end. Relax. Jesus says not to worry. Help your grandma to not worry. I don’t think it helps to say “don’t worry.”

 

[horselvr]

“I guess I’m trying to say I gave up on the direct approach. I mean, after all, what CAN you say to somebody who’s afraid of dying? I mean, at age 87, how can anybody convince her of what she’s been trying to avoid thinking about her whole life?”

I just had this same talk with my GodMother (the absolute best GodMother in the whole world by the way ) Thank you God.

Mona is 97 and will be 98 in June. Over the past year or so in her letters and phone conversations she has expressed the fear of her age, and exactly what lies ahead (death). I never knew what to say to her and always hung up the phone and cried a little for her and prayed. She is such a wonderful Catholic woman and to hear fear in her voice made me sad for her. Now, someone might say, “if she’s such a good Catholic woman, why is she afraid?”

My answer to that is ask that again when you are looking at 98. We all probably have that same fear in varying degrees. It may not actually be a fear of death but HOW we go, sickness, trauma, pain.

Anyway, I apologized to her for not calling sooner but explained that I just got over a heart attack and then right after that a head on collision. She was stunned and worried but I told her I’m doing very well but added, I could easily have gone before you Mona!!! Yes, she said in a little voice, and then we both cracked up. I told her this was a good learning experience for me and that I need to use my time wisely doing good and enjoying the time I have left.

Your grandmother does need to start living again and focus on life not death. Next time you speak with her approach the subject and explain that you are worried for her and ask if she has spoken to her priest about this. I know it’s hard to have yo bring the subject up again but maybe she just really needs to talk about it.

She’s 78 years old and according to Mona your grandmother still has at least another 20 yrs left in her.
She can spend it wringing her hands waiting for death or she can spend it enjoying life.

 

[InspiritCarol]

Can you pray with her?

The rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet are outstanding tools against anxiety.

Read the promises of the Divine Mercy Chaplet out loud to your Grandmother.

I am caregiver to my mother & I invite her to join the family in praying the rosary every night.

When you do the “Our Father”, add the part the priest says in Mass.

• Deliver us Lord from every evil and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
• (Add the part we say in Mass too) For the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory are yours now and forever Amen.

I have found that directly confronting Anxiety in this manner has been very helpful.

Is there any way you can get her to daily Mass?

The reason I ask is by the very nature of you posting your concern here; it seems you are being called to help her as much as you are able.

Pray with her. Even if she never prayed that way before.
The Angelus is amazing too.