I read lots of stuff about our faith and prayers in books, so the facts and information get into my brain, but I still don’t feel it really relates to my personally, and I know it should. I do feel sorrow for my sins, but I just feel like everything I read should hit me on a much deeper level, but I’m only accepting it on such a shallow, surface level. Or I read it, and want it to really sink in, plant down roots in my soul, but it seems like it all just skims across my brain, and that’s it.
It’s like St. Augustine-- his mental conversion far preceded his spiritual conversion. I think it’s always this way, and it always is for me.
First we conform our minds to the truth, and
then the conformity of our minds to the truth drives us to live rationally-- to conform our lives to the truth.
Remember that
feeling is always secondary. It matters not whether your
feel sorry but whether you
are sorry.
Part of the life of faith is learning to live purely on faith-- that is, purely because you
will to love God, and not because your senses and feelings give you incentive to love God. That’s what God direct the saints through in the dark night of the soul-- a privation of spiritual consolation so that the person may rely on God perfectly in faith, and not out of ulterior motives.
I think the answer is to pray more fervently and to persevere. I too wonder whether I am sufficiently contrite for my sins, or whether I love God. The answer is to, day after day, entreat God to give you sorrow for sin and love of Him, and to do what will, objectively, make you holier-- to go to Mass, receive the sacraments, pray, live in a holy way, and do good.
Modern liberal Protestant theologians-- quite literally, I mean it: those in the tradition of Friedrich Schlieremacher-- defined faith as a feeling. Obviously this subjectivizes religion. But we know that faith, hope, love, are not feelings. They are theological virtues infused by God. As such, they are
known by 1. faith in the sacraments (the sacraments are the visible signs of invisible grace), and 2. the effects (being holy).
So, just be careful not to subjectivize your religion too much. It is good to feel good about religion, but it is not necessary. For some people it is impossible. Measure things objectively as much as you can.
-Rob