My heart breaks just a little

[lada]

I have a feeling her sadness might be coming more from the fact that he did this w/o her consent. But did he actually “agree” to four or did they just come? That might be interesting to know b/c it might explain why he got the vasectomy w/o her consent. Like maybe a way of punishing her? I don’t know, just wondering out loud. Either way, I agree w/some of the op’s have said. From a mother’s perspective, even though we “think” we’re done, if something happened to me and I knew I couldn’t have any more kids, it would hurt. It’s like, even if you know you’re not going to have any more, you want the option to still be there. Does that make sense?

Yes you hit the nail on the head. If my little one just turned out to be the last one, then that would be decidedly easier to deal with than the whole idea of KNOWING that he’s the last one.

And, yes, the four we have did just come. But, I don’t think he did this to punish me at all. I think he was just o.k. with NFP and the “failures” of it that we experienced…up to a certain point. Four was that point.

 

[lada]

Ma’am,

He seems like a very lucky man to have you in his life!

God Bless!

Thank you! And God bless you too!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Yes you hit the nail on the head. If my little one just turned out to be the last one, then that would be decidedly easier to deal with than the whole idea of KNOWING that he’s the last one.

And, yes, the four we have did just come. But, I don’t think he did this to punish me at all. I think he was just o.k. with NFP and the “failures” of it that we experienced…up to a certain point. Four was that point.

Kind of like “ok I gave her four i’m done!” Sounds like what my exhusband did to me! LOL But by then I didn’t really care, lol, we were done anyhow! But yeah he decided when we wre done with children without consulting me or talking to me about it…I mean I always wanted a big family he didn’t… that was it…HE said I got away with 3 but no more! LOL Thank GOD he’s in a way out of my life!

Of course I am not saying that’s what’s your situation, I am saying my situation! How kind of what your hubby did reminded me of my ex…

Your hubby seemed like he was really out of a choice… desperation or something when he did it…Mine was more of greed towards himself…lol…

 

[tampagrl]

Yes you hit the nail on the head. If my little one just turned out to be the last one, then that would be decidedly easier to deal with than the whole idea of KNOWING that he’s the last one.

And, yes, the four we have did just come. But, I don’t think he did this to punish me at all. I think he was just o.k. with NFP and the “failures” of it that we experienced…up to a certain point. Four was that point.

Yeah, “punish” wasn’t the right word, my apologies…maybe just his sense of taking control for what he saw were the “faults” of NFP, considering that the kids “just came”. Maybe he was thinking that you got 2 more than what you talked about or agreed upon and that was enough. Kind of like what “RascalKing” below was saying.
I’m sure he loves you and your kids very much, and while I certainly don’t agree w/what he did both for the reasons of being against Church teaching but also b/c he did it w/o your consent, I can understand where he was coming from. I do wish you peace. Try giving up your hurt as a sacrifice. I’ve started doing that a lot lately w/all my hurts or “sufferings”, and it helps tremendously.

 

[ac_claire]

Thank you all! I have talked to him about a reversal. I don’t think he is entirely against it, but not entirely convinced either. I think he was unaware how the V would affect our sex life. TMI, I know, but I do feel it has made him less attractive to me in ‘that way’. Which is something neither of us saw coming.

And that makes total sense IMO. Women’s sex drives are tied up with our emotional attachments. It can’t feel very good to have your husband not giving himself to you 100%, which is what’s happening since he had the V. There’s a little bit he’s holding back, whether he’s aware of it every minute of the day or not.

I hope he agrees to the reversal lada! God can work on his heart, keep praying for it.

 

[kage_ar]

If your husband wanted two, but agreed to four…isn’t that a wonderful thing to do and a great compromise?

Compromise is good for war, hostage negotiations, lawsuits and business matters. Marriage is about sacrifice and complete love, compromise is not part of marriage.

 

[ahollars]

… If my little one just turned out to be the last one,…

No offense, but this mentality seems to be common among mothers, much to do with the balding or gray hair and growing waistlines of their husbands . My wife and I have 5 kids, and I am done!!! :hypno:

She says that we have cute babies. Thing is, they do get bigger, and that is what I am thinking about. You husband probably is too, those his course of action was highly wrong, his logic and motive is not 100% selfish.

4 kids will seem like enough when they get to middle and high school (I’m only two years away from my first one starting the 9th grade), and your juggling seasonal sports (they always doing something), doctor’s appointments (girls have more of them), Church youth groups, scouting, social lives, group outings (not exactly dating yet), learning how to drive, more expensive clothing, more food, and worrying about you and your spouse taking care of yourselves and your own obligations.

I wanted many kids at first, until the oldest reached middle school. Then I began to connect the dots of busy teenagers. Your desire for another child won’t disappear, but may subside, when your kids get older and are capable of more.

FTR, I am the 3rd of 7 in my family. My parents have 19 grandchildren and counting with my two youngest sisters not having started yet. I’ve seen it all. Just my :twocents:

 

[Rascalking]

Compromise is good for war, hostage negotiations, lawsuits and business matters. Marriage is about sacrifice and complete love, compromise is not part of marriage.

I know of many people, happily married for long periods of time, that would strongly disagree with you.

Cheers.

 

[rayne89]

Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.

This is very rude.

 

[rick43235]

…compromise is not part of marriage.

It must be magic being married to you.

 

[PeterMuz]

Thank you all! I have talked to him about a reversal. I don’t think he is entirely against it, but not entirely convinced either. I think he was unaware how the V would affect our sex life. TMI, I know, but I do feel it has made him less attractive to me in ‘that way’. Which is something neither of us saw coming.

And, FYI, I am beyond happy and thankful with my four little blessings. Yet, yes, I do have that longing in my heart for more. I don’t think that makes me a bad person.

I will continue to talk to him about it and pray, pray, pray that God’s will be done, and that He grant me peace in this area of my life.

It does not surprise me at all that you are less attracted to him now. Its the same why with women on the pill. Read or listen to the contraception why not, Janet Smith talks about it. Isn’t it funny how we are not only attracted to a person, but also to their fertility?? I think that may be a sign.

And NO, it does not make you a bad person for wanting more children. You’ve been blessed four times, and would like to be blessed again!

But I am also sure you can understand how someone how wants kids and cannot have any would feel reading this. I feel sorry for those people, but I do not think you should have done anything different. You love kids and we need more parents like that in the world! I will pray for you.

 

[Serap]

I know of many people, happily married for long periods of time, that would strongly disagree with you.

Cheers.

You’re a very nice person! I can tell from your posts.

I compromise with my husband ALL the time, but maybe Kage-AR is referring to that as “sacrificing” one’s own pleasure to make the other happy.

 

[Ceil-1]

Thousands of couples feel the pain of NEVER being able to have children and you dare to complain with four happy healthy children filling your home.

Gee, can you try to be just a liiiiitle more nasty in your remarks, next time? It seems Protestants do not value God’s gifts the way we Catholics do.

 

[Tosk]

My wife’s friend has 12 children and she was a little depressed when she realized she was done having them. Infants are so sweet and lovable it is just natural to be depressed when you realize you will not have them around anymore. Just try to remember what they grow up into and maybe that will help.

Have you thought about adopting or becoming a foster parent? There are a ton of children in need of a good home.

 

[lada]

You’re a very nice person! I can tell from your posts.

I compromise with my husband ALL the time, but maybe Kage-AR is referring to that as “sacrificing” one’s own pleasure to make the other happy.

I would say that marriage is about love, but a huge part of love is compromise. I love my husband and SO I compromise. On what to have for dinner, what to watch on t.v., where to go, what to set the thermostat to, how the dishwasher should be loaded, what to name the kids, and yes, even on how many kids to have. And he has compromised too. People tend to attach some kind of negative connotation to the word “compromise” but for me, it means simply putting another person’s needs above my own. Which, when you get down to it, is what LOVE is all about.

 

[Ceil-1]

Except that the purpose of marriage is to have a safe haven to co-create and raise kids. It is not something in which one member should have to compromise by deliberately preventing themselves from having a child. That would be a corruption of the Sacrament of Matrimony. It makes a mockery of the marital act.

But, like everything else, marriage has lost it’s purpose.

 

[lada]

But, like everything else, marriage has lost it’s purpose.

“The purpose” of marriage is not procreation. That is one of the reasons for it, yes, but there are many others.