My husband asked me for a divorce today

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Faustina_Marie

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And I haven’t a clue what to do. Please pray for my family.

We were married in the Church 17 years ago. We have 3 children, 16, 11 and 8. When we got married, we weren’t very devout Catholics. We went to Mass sporadically, used birth control, etc. Cafeteria Catholics as they say. I have been a stay-at-home-Mom for most of the years of our marriage.

About 6 years into our marriage I felt the Lord calling me more fully into the Church. At that time returned to the sacraments (confession for the first time in 17 years!) I quit taking birth control pills,because I learned they could act as an abortifacient. My husband approved, and while not thrilled with the concept, was willing to try NFP.

Using NFP has been a battle between us for the past 11 years, and we ended up using it sporadically. The past couple years we have just abstained. Neither of us is happy with this, but we cannot come to a resolution about birth control. And 11 years is just too long to argue about it any more. I have health concerns, some serious over the past few years, and a pregnancy would not be a good thing right now.

My husband did not follow me back “full force” to the Church. He attends Mass with us on Sunday. I know it is for the kids sake, and I am grateful for that. We also send our children to Catholic school.

Today he asked me for a divorce. He doesn’t want to live as “brother and sister” anymore. And NFP is no longer an option as far as he is concerned.

I have no idea what to do at this point. I’ve spent the day reading threads here, and looking at suggested websites and documents, but I don’t have an answer to my situation.

I do not want a divorce. I love my husband. I do not want to put my children through this. I just do not know what to do or say at this point.

Prayers and advice appreciated.
 
That’s a difficult situation. You’re in my prayers.

Have the two of you ever taken an NFP class together?
 
My heart goes out to you in your dilemma. I know what I want to say to you… I think you have to ask God and listen to His answer in the silence of your heart.
 
Did your husband give you an ultimatum? Either have sex or he’s going to divorce you? If that was what he said, then you still have a chance of working things out. I have heard great things about **Retrovouille **. It’s a Catholic workshop for couples who are having marriage problems. Also, try talking to your priest or a NFP teacher, they might have some suggestions. It’s a lot to ask a married man to be celibate for several years.

Do you have life and death health issues, that prevent you from having another child? Or is it that there might be some risk? Is your husband against having more children? Besides your lengthy abstinence are there other issues?

All of these things need to be a addressed with a good Catholic counselor.

God Bless You. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
I think somehow this could be resolved…it’s a tough situation…I have often times heard my priest say in church that God wants married people to have love, that was his whole point in creating man and women so that man would have a partner…not be alone…Living like brother sister is alot like …alone…Where is the loving fullfilling relationship that Christ wanted for you two in that.?..It is so worth going to Retrouville, before talking divorce, see if your husband would consider this.The advice in an earlier thread was good also about talking to your priest, there may be health issues of why no more children etc…See what he can help you with…You have three kids and alot invested in this relationship…I pray for the both of you to have Christ guidance in this serious situation…May your marriage turn around and become loving and wholesome once more…In Jesus Name I pray, Amen…Warmly, LynneMarie
 
Thank you everyone. To answer a few questions:

Have the two of you ever taken an NFP class together?

Yes. He actually understands it quite well. For awhile he even tinkered around with an idea he had for a new kind of NFP thermometer. He is well versed on the subject.

Did your husband give you an ultimatum? Either have sex or he’s going to divorce you?

Yes. Not in those exact words though. He wants a vasectomy. I, in good conscience, can not give my approval. But if he gets one, I take heart in the fact that IF God wants us to have another child, He could allow that to happen even with a vasectomy. He is concerned that if he has one, I will still have issues with having sex. I am not sure how I will feel about it.

Do you have life and death health issues, that prevent you from having another child? Or is it that there might be some risk? Is your husband against having more children? Besides your lengthy abstinence are there other issues?

Not life and death issues. But serious problems that would absolutey arise for me during a pregnancy. And yes, he is against having more children. Financially things are very tight. I am currently looking for a part-time job to help make ends meet…after being a stay-home-mom for the past 16 years.

He does not want to go to a Catholic counselor. He thinks they will certainly side with me on the issue.

We have both looked into Retrovaille. It sounds like the format is very similar to Marriage Encounter. We went on an ME in 1997, and neither one of us really liked it. So I don’t know how willing he will be to go Retrovaille.

Lynne Marie…thank you for sharing that wisdom with me, and thank you everyone for the prayers.
 
Please note that this writer has never been married and likely never will be.

But if I were married and in a similar situation, as described by OP, then I, too, would probably ask for a divorce.

To be denied intimate relations in a marriage, would be to defeat the purpose of marriage.
 
Now that I consider unfair. If you’ve never been married, then you really don’t know what goes on inside a marriage. Sex isn’t the whole reason people get married. They can be intimate in other ways as well.

But, I’ve noticed that the OP sounds like they want to work things out. And I hope and pray that they will.
 
I don’t understand how a couple can abstain permanently because they can’t abstain periodically. 🤷

There is a power struggle going on here, and the “I want a divorce” is the husband’s way of gaining control, getting the upper hand.

This is recoverable. This is solvable. Heck, after a while it becomes moot because of menopause. This looks like a couple that desperately wants to stay together.

The problem to solve, which requires outside help like a counselor, is that the poster is denying her husband relations (in his mind) and the man is not following Church teaching (in her mind).

I am not a psychologist, and I shouldn’t play one on the internet.
 
I’ll keep you both and your marriage in my prayers, and your children.

I’ll be praying for your marriage and for your own health.

Can you consult your priest about your husband’s decision.

While your unhappiness and worry must be painful, and also unhelpful to your health…your husband’s feelings are natural. Marriage carries at least promise of reasonable access to the physical purpose for a man and woman to be married, which is part of the reason for the existence of the Sacrament.

I’m truly sorry about the shock and grief and anxiety you are feeling. I’m sorry for your husband that he has suffered enough to come to the point where he can’t tolerate things as they are any longer. I hope that you can both find a resolution that is fair and loving to both.

I ask St Therese’s parents to pray for you both. They agreed to marital chastity at first, but fortunately didn’t stay with that, or we wouldn’t have St Therese and her holy sisters. The parents, Zelie and Louis Martin, were beatified by the Church last year.
 
Faustina_Marie said:
Yes. Not in those exact words though. He wants a vasectomy. I, in good conscience, can not give my approval. But if he gets one, I take heart in the fact that IF God wants us to have another child, He could allow that to happen even with a vasectomy. He is concerned that if he has one, I will still have issues with having sex. I am not sure how I will feel about it.

.
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There is no sin in having sex with your husband after he has a vasectomy. While you shouldn’t encourage him to have one, you would not be required to abstain from intimacy afterwards.
 
If your husband understands NFP, why is he against using it?

As for the counseling situation, counselors aren’t supposed to “take sides.” I would ask him to go with you, and if he feels that the counselor is “taking sides,” he can’t stop going. (But it might be wise for you to continue going so you can learn some good strategies for dealing with him.) Check out Catholic Charities – they have a sliding fee scale.
 
There is no sin in having sex with your husband after he has a vasectomy. While you shouldn’t encourage him to have one, you would not be required to abstain from intimacy afterwards.
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danimay makes a good point, one i’ll explore a little more:

husband: i hate NFP. i want a vasectomy.

wife: no. it’s wrong.

husband: fine. so i’ll divorce you instead.

at this point wife has her own moral responsibility-- to sorrowfully abide by her husband’s vasectomy (possibly making LOTS of penance and reparation with the intention of his conversion) OR allowing her family to be torn asunder.

after the divorce, husband will likely NOT abide by chastity, instead, he will further his sin with adultery.

this is all disastrous for the kids.

were it my choice? sorrowfully abide. participate in marriage relations with my altered husband. make many novenas and penances for his conversion. and trust God’s mercy.
 
Faustina_Marie said:
Today he asked me for a divorce. He doesn’t want to live as “brother and sister” anymore. And NFP is no longer an option as far as he is concerned.
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I am so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe your husband doesn’t really want a divorce. Maybe he wants his wife back. Several **years **is a long time to go as brother and sister. Part of marriage is sexual intimacy.

First, tell him you love him and don’t want a divorce.

Second, go to Retrouvaille ASAP.

Third, look at the Marquette Model of NFP. It uses fertility signs plus an electronic fertility monitor. I think it could be what you need to gain confidence to stop abstaining totally.

Stop withholding the marital embrace from your husband!!! I understand your need to avoid pregnancy, but the post-ovulatory phase gives you plenty of opportunity to be intimate and conservatively avoid pregnancy.
 
1ke said:
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Maybe your husband doesn’t really want a divorce. Maybe he wants his wife back. Several **years **is a long time to go as brother and sister. Part of marriage is sexual intimacy.

First, tell him you love him and don’t want a divorce.

Second, go to Retrouvaille ASAP.

Third, look at the Marquette Model of NFP. It uses fertility signs plus an electronic fertility monitor. I think it could be what you need to gain confidence to stop abstaining totally.

Stop withholding the marital embrace from your husband!!! I understand your need to avoid pregnancy, but the post-ovulatory phase gives you plenty of opportunity to be intimate and conservatively avoid pregnancy.
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Great advice as always.
I will be praying for you, Faustina.
 
Please forgive me for asking if I happen to be way off base here. But are there other reasons you are living as Brother and Sister? Besides the fear of becomming Pregnant?

I understand NFP may not always be 100% in letting a women know, (depending on if she has a normal cycle and such.) and this may be your “fear” about becomming pregnant.

I mean deep down is there another reason you may not want to have that closeness with your husband, (such as emotional, not in a bad way, but maybe it stems from some other sort of problem, that just went on and on?) Please don’t take what I’m saying wrong, really I don’t mean it badly.

By the sounds of things since (I take it you the wife) don’t want to have sex for fear of not trusting the NFP and you are afraid of getting pregnant…so you abstain, Yet this is not in argeement as a couple, (from what I gather from you posting.) and thus your husband is not a happy man.

In fact so much that he has even wanted to get a Vastecomy so that he may be allowed to have marital relations with you. Since you are against that also, he’s without a doubt feeling a lot of emotional things. (and truely who could blame him.) He feels like he’s in a corner no matter what way he trys.

Now here’s my question to you, (I’m not bashing, just asking) What do you want the man to do?
  1. Live like brother and sister for the rest of your lives?
  2. Get a divorce because he’s not permited to have matiral relations with you, his wife whom he dearly loves, and yet both of you have Not agreed to withhold from matiral love. (although true sex is not the most important thing in a marriage, it is however part of the Marriage bond between a husband and wife, if both parties don’t agee to abstain, then it will then later affect other parts of the “emotional bonds” of husband and wife.)
  3. You don’t want him to have a vasctomy.
So here’s my advice and thoughts. Use the NFP and Pray daily to God that His Will be done. God knows each of our lives, He knows all. Have faith that God will make the NFP work for you and only “abstain” at the correct time.

Without a doubt your husband truely loves you. By the sounds of things he has went a long way with you on the things you’ve wanted…he’s even tried to come up with ideas, (even if you didn’t agee with him) becaue he wants a Marriage, Fully. He doesn’t want to live with his sister, he wants his wife, and he wants a full relationship with you.

I’m not saying this is all your fault, by no means am I saying that but it dose seem the ball is in your court.

You seem to have only a few choices here, if I’m understanding your post.
  1. He either gets the Vasctomy and is allowed Full Material Relationships with you or He’s wanting a divorce.
    There is no sin in you having relations with him after he has a Vasctomy.
  2. If you get divorced what impact will this have on the children, you and your husband? This is indeed will break up a loving family.
  3. If your husband feels that strongly about a Divorce or a Vastocmy…then really what choice do you have. The results of a Divorce would do much more harm to many more people in your family than a Vasocmy.
 
Some of you might not like this reply, but I’m trying to weigh in with some sense. OP, if you get the divorce, you will risk harming your kids. Honestly, can’t you see why he’s unhappy? Another kid will not work, and he is using his common sense to prevent it. Let him get the vasectomy, and you can get a part time job. It sounds like you need to get out of the house a bit. NFP does not work as well as other methods. Another kid will drive you up the wall, harm you financially, and almost for sure end your marriage. I side completely with your husband in this one.
 
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