My husband asked me for a divorce today

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Faustina_Marie said:
And I haven’t a clue what to do. Please pray for my family.

We were married in the Church 17 years ago. We have 3 children, 16, 11 and 8. When we got married, we weren’t very devout Catholics. We went to Mass sporadically, used birth control, etc. Cafeteria Catholics as they say. I have been a stay-at-home-Mom for most of the years of our marriage.

About 6 years into our marriage I felt the Lord calling me more fully into the Church. At that time returned to the sacraments (confession for the first time in 17 years!) I quit taking birth control pills,because I learned they could act as an abortifacient. My husband approved, and while not thrilled with the concept, was willing to try NFP.

Using NFP has been a battle between us for the past 11 years, and we ended up using it sporadically. The past couple years we have just abstained. Neither of us is happy with this, but we cannot come to a resolution about birth control. And 11 years is just too long to argue about it any more. I have health concerns, some serious over the past few years, and a pregnancy would not be a good thing right now.

My husband did not follow me back “full force” to the Church. He attends Mass with us on Sunday. I know it is for the kids sake, and I am grateful for that. We also send our children to Catholic school.

Today he asked me for a divorce. He doesn’t want to live as “brother and sister” anymore. And NFP is no longer an option as far as he is concerned.

I have no idea what to do at this point. I’ve spent the day reading threads here, and looking at suggested websites and documents, but I don’t have an answer to my situation.

I do not want a divorce. I love my husband. I do not want to put my children through this. I just do not know what to do or say at this point.

Prayers and advice appreciated.
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I suggest that you have sex with your husband when he wants to have sex. NFP to avoid pregnancy involves abstaining and it appears to be an inappropriate burden on your husband.

Only if you will die if you are pregnant (you say you have health problems) would I recommend continuing to force your husband to use NFP against his will. NFP should not be unilaterally forced in a marriage.

I hope this helps and I pray things work out for you two - as a married couple.
 
I was glad to hear that your answer came in prayer. If it’s from God, you can’t go wrong!
 
Faustina_Marie said:
**

UPDATE!**

Everyone…thank you! For the prayers, wisdom, advice, and opinions. Your prayers are working and we are going to be ok. I feel like I can breathe again. We talked out many, many things that have just built up over the years. Things we’ve discussed before (too many times) but never came to any agreement on, so they just kept building up. Finally the dam had to break.

In prayer on Thursday, the Lord told me I needed humility, and to step back and really look at things again. He told me that I am not always right. I cannot tell you how much those precious words helped me this weekend (Lord, I praise and thank You for your goodness and faithfulness!)

We both agree that you don’t throw 17 years away, and we are going to work on healing our mariage and our family and make them healthy and whole. Please continue to keep us in prayer as we heal.

God’s Blessings to you all,

Faustina Marie
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Wonderful! I thank and praise God so much for giving you both time to think and for giving you a real, healthy second chance!
I’ll keep you both in prayer. I ask God to help you grow and flourish together!

The best of wishes for your united future.
 
Praise the Lord! As the only child of a divorced couple, I really hope (and pray!) y’all can work things out. 🙂

That Our Lady’s prayers may bring an abundance of grace to your marriage.
Stephen
 
First of all, my prayers are with you that this breakthrough will last and the Grace imparted to you in your marriage will help you work everything out.

That said, I think I need to make some observations based on some of the comments I have seen in this and some other posts.

Many have claimed that “NFP (almost) ruined” their marriage. I think this is probably a gross oversimplification of what happened, and I want to explore that some.

Christ clearly teaches that “two become one” in marriage. This means that each person in a marriage must take into consideration the other when deciding important decisions, and issue of birth regulation is one of the most important. Neither spouse has the right to unilaterally decide for the couple what type of birth regulation they will use. Many have said that “you have no right to force NFP”, but then again, your husband has no right to get a vasectomy without your consent, and the fact that he is using an ultimatum to force your consent shows me that he did not want to work through these problems together. Hopefully, the conversation you have had with him has changed this for the better.

I know a couple who used NFP and the wife had severe health problems during pregnancy. They decided for the husband to get a vasectomy, which the world would see as a solution. However, the reality is that it hurt their marriage so much that they got a reversal.

We are all fallen, so none of our marriages are perfect, and we are all influenced by the society we live in. We all need to remember that it is the interior life that will make our marriages successful, something our society does not understand. That is why the Church is so insistent on the use of NFP in spite of all the pressures to change. Unlike contraception, NFPs successful use demands a deeper level of cooperation than contraceptive methods. In fact, it demands that the couple work with one mind, and where that doesn’t happen, it becomes a frustration to both husband and wife. Contraception however tends to hide the need for couples to ever deal with the serious internal issues that make a marriage blessed.

I will admit that sometimes NFP couples divorce, and contracepting couples remain married for a lifetime. But if contraception were a solution to the problems of marriage, then why has the divorce rate exploded in the century since Margaret Sanger started advocating it? I think we as a society need to really take a critical look at the messages we send to our married couples.

May God Bless you, your husband and your marriage
 
Faustina_Marie said:
**

UPDATE!**

Everyone…thank you! For the prayers, wisdom, advice, and opinions. Your prayers are working and we are going to be ok. I feel like I can breathe again. We talked out many, many things that have just built up over the years. Things we’ve discussed before (too many times) but never came to any agreement on, so they just kept building up. Finally the dam had to break.

In prayer on Thursday, the Lord told me I needed humility, and to step back and really look at things again. He told me that I am not always right. I cannot tell you how much those precious words helped me this weekend (Lord, I praise and thank You for your goodness and faithfulness!)

We both agree that you don’t throw 17 years away, and we are going to work on healing our mariage and our family and make them healthy and whole. Please continue to keep us in prayer as we heal.

God’s Blessings to you all,

Faustina Marie
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**HALLELUJA PRAISED BE THE LORD !
BARUCH HASHEM ** :dancing:
 
Faustina_Marie said:
And I haven’t a clue what to do. Please pray for my family.

We were married in the Church 17 years ago. We have 3 children, 16, 11 and 8. When we got married, we weren’t very devout Catholics. We went to Mass sporadically, used birth control, etc. Cafeteria Catholics as they say. I have been a stay-at-home-Mom for most of the years of our marriage.

About 6 years into our marriage I felt the Lord calling me more fully into the Church. At that time returned to the sacraments (confession for the first time in 17 years!) I quit taking birth control pills,because I learned they could act as an abortifacient. My husband approved, and while not thrilled with the concept, was willing to try NFP.

Using NFP has been a battle between us for the past 11 years, and we ended up using it sporadically. The past couple years we have just abstained. Neither of us is happy with this, but we cannot come to a resolution about birth control. And 11 years is just too long to argue about it any more. I have health concerns, some serious over the past few years, and a pregnancy would not be a good thing right now.

My husband did not follow me back “full force” to the Church. He attends Mass with us on Sunday. I know it is for the kids sake, and I am grateful for that. We also send our children to Catholic school.

Today he asked me for a divorce. He doesn’t want to live as “brother and sister” anymore. And NFP is no longer an option as far as he is concerned.

I have no idea what to do at this point. I’ve spent the day reading threads here, and looking at suggested websites and documents, but I don’t have an answer to my situation.

I do not want a divorce. I love my husband. I do not want to put my children through this. I just do not know what to do or say at this point.

Prayers and advice appreciated.
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Praying for you guys but let me just say that a Husband and Wife should not be living as brother and sister… that is not a sacramental marriage. The renewing of the Marriage Covenant, the union of husband and wife, is a critical part of a happy marriage for emotional, psychological and spiritual reasons.

Talk to your Priest about this but if you want to save your marriage, you AND your Husband must come to some agreement and resume your life as Husband and Wife. Even if you don’t want to use NFP on a regular basis you should know (from past exp) that there is little or no chance of pregnancy right after your cycle. Coming together as a couple once a month is better than nothing.

God gave us a pretty fantastic gift for us to share within the bounds of marriage. I would encourage you guys to take more advantage of it. Hopefully it’s not too late.

Joe
 
ALL THE GLORY & HONOR GO TO GOD AND HIS SON JESUS CHRIST! Faustina Marie I was so happy to see your wonderful words…I pray you both grow closer from this scare to your marriage and love for all eternity…Thank you so much for sharing with us this great news! Warmly, LynneMarie…It is nice to hear some happy news once in awhile…smiles…:)…
 
Faustina_Marie said:
**

UPDATE!**

Everyone…thank you! For the prayers, wisdom, advice, and opinions. Your prayers are working and we are going to be ok. I feel like I can breathe again. We talked out many, many things that have just built up over the years. Things we’ve discussed before (too many times) but never came to any agreement on, so they just kept building up. Finally the dam had to break.

In prayer on Thursday, the Lord told me I needed humility, and to step back and really look at things again. He told me that I am not always right. I cannot tell you how much those precious words helped me this weekend (Lord, I praise and thank You for your goodness and faithfulness!)

We both agree that you don’t throw 17 years away, and we are going to work on healing our mariage and our family and make them healthy and whole. Please continue to keep us in prayer as we heal.

God’s Blessings to you all,

Faustina Marie
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:extrahappy: Praise God! What wonderful news. You are so right that you never throw away 17 years of such blessed and holy work as marriage. It’s too precious a gift. I hope we make it to 17 and beyond along side you. 🙂
 
ForwardProgress said:
This whole situation is so sad. I’ve almost seen my marriage ruined from NFP…2 marginal catholics, one comes back to the church, goes full bore into NFP when the other partner had no interest in it.

Sometimes I think converts/reverts get a little too ‘hard core’ and don’t slow down and let things happen on their own; we end up forcing a lot of issues when the other party is not ready.

It’s all a journey, and not everyone is on the same path or the same position.
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Which is why a good, reliable spiritual director is so important.

I don’t think it’s NFP per se that does harm, but our attitudes about how to deal with changes in our spiritual lives.
 
Been reading this thread and was pleased to read the update from Faustina Marie that she and her husband “agree that you don’t throw 17 years away, and we are going to work on healing our marriage and our family and make them healthy and whole.”

Any other outcome would have been so incredibly sad for all involved.
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PaulinVA:
There is a power struggle going on here, and the “I want a divorce” is the husband’s way of gaining control, getting the upper hand.
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Another possibility is that it was the outcome of the husband’s frustration and need for a solution.
 
I haven’t read all of the replies, but I did read the original post. I just read an article about the terrible consequences of divorce, and your story brought tears to my eyes. I will pray for you, your husband, your marriage, and your family.

In the meantime, there is something which I think you should keep in mind, which could be very important: If your husband has a vasectomy, or uses a condom, and you have marital relations with him, you are not committing any sin. He may be sinning (depending on his culpability), but you are not, because it is not your will that birth control be used.

I hate to take such a pragmatic approach, but it seems to me that you and your children would be vastly better off by letting him use birth control (condoms or a vasectomy) if he must, even though you (correctly) disapprove, and even though you will not and should not use birth control yourself (e.g., the pill). And you can still pray that he will have a change of heart.

I also second a suggestion in one of the early replies that you investigate Retrouvaille. If there is any way at all that you can get him to agree to go to Retrouvaille with you, do it. Retrouvaille can and does save marriages, even marriages with problems that seem insurmountable. (That’s not to say that it saves every marriage – but you will at least have reason for hope.)
 
jwashu said:
Praying for you guys but let me just say that a Husband and Wife should not be living as brother and sister… that is not a sacramental marriage.
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If both parties were free to marry and are baptized Christians, the marriage is presumed sacramental.
 
Praise God, I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.
we- as a church need to do what is right- hold tight to our promises we made in marriage, and not be swayed by our society with its throw away-marriage- go find a new one-
mentality. “what God has joined together, let no man divide”
God brought you together for a reason and has blessed you with 3 children. Praying you and your husband will be that good example of fidelity to these children.
We are called to be an example of Gods Love for the church and I believe God will give us the graces we need to overcome the challenges that WILL happen.

Hang in there, God will help you. thank GOd your husband at least realizes your marraige is not something to throw away so easily.
Im in a similar battle at this time too. but remain confidant that One day mine will realize this too.) we have 18 years and two children )
Good Luck and prayers
 
Faustina_Marie said:
And I haven’t a clue what to do. Please pray for my family.

We were married in the Church 17 years ago. We have 3 children, 16, 11 and 8. When we got married, we weren’t very devout Catholics. We went to Mass sporadically, used birth control, etc. Cafeteria Catholics as they say. I have been a stay-at-home-Mom for most of the years of our marriage.

About 6 years into our marriage I felt the Lord calling me more fully into the Church. At that time returned to the sacraments (confession for the first time in 17 years!) I quit taking birth control pills,because I learned they could act as an abortifacient. My husband approved, and while not thrilled with the concept, was willing to try NFP.

Using NFP has been a battle between us for the past 11 years, and we ended up using it sporadically. The past couple years we have just abstained. Neither of us is happy with this, but we cannot come to a resolution about birth control. And 11 years is just too long to argue about it any more. I have health concerns, some serious over the past few years, and a pregnancy would not be a good thing right now.

My husband did not follow me back “full force” to the Church. He attends Mass with us on Sunday. I know it is for the kids sake, and I am grateful for that. We also send our children to Catholic school.

Today he asked me for a divorce. He doesn’t want to live as “brother and sister” anymore. And NFP is no longer an option as far as he is concerned.

I have no idea what to do at this point. I’ve spent the day reading threads here, and looking at suggested websites and documents, but I don’t have an answer to my situation.

I do not want a divorce. I love my husband. I do not want to put my children through this. I just do not know what to do or say at this point.

Prayers and advice appreciated.
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The same kind of thing is happening in my marriage although my wife wants me to get the vasectomy and I’m against it. Same as the original poster we keep putting this and other issues off because we cant come to an agreement. I’m afraid of her getting birth control because it can cause eptopic pregnancy. She has no interest in NFP. I would love the idea of being married celebate but she has no interest in that. We have withheld intercourse for over 3 years now and told me today like many times before that “just wait and see what happens if you dont get a Vasectomy” Another words maybe a possibilty of divorce or cheating I guess? She too has health issues and does not want another child. There is so much more to this but I feel if I get a vasectomy things will get worse and I will not feel right participating in contraception and will regret the decision. It seems like their may be a deeper issue here like fear and I feel if it wasnt this, would it be something else? Any help would help and God bless you all!
 
StMagdalene79 said:
The same kind of thing is happening in my marriage although my wife wants me to get the vasectomy and I’m against it. Same as the original poster we keep putting this and other issues off because we cant come to an agreement. I’m afraid of her getting birth control because it can cause eptopic pregnancy. She has no interest in NFP. I would love the idea of being married celebate but she has no interest in that. We have withheld intercourse for over 3 years now and told me today like many times before that “just wait and see what happens if you dont get a Vasectomy” Another words maybe a possibilty of divorce or cheating I guess? She too has health issues and does not want another child. There is so much more to this but I feel if I get a vasectomy things will get worse and I will not feel right participating in contraception and will regret the decision. It seems like their may be a deeper issue here like fear and I feel if it wasnt this, would it be something else? Any help would help and God bless you all!
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Your post made me sit up and take notice! To love the idea of being married and celibate after three years of no intimacy tells me that you and your spouse have a whole lot going on that no amount of forum posting could help. Have you tried counseling? If so, I suggest you try it again. One of God’s greatest gifts is marriage and you are missing out on the fullness of His intention for you. You are certainly in my prayers!
 
StMagdalene79 said:
The same kind of thing is happening in my marriage although my wife wants me to get the vasectomy and I’m against it. Same as the original poster we keep putting this and other issues off because we cant come to an agreement. I’m afraid of her getting birth control because it can cause eptopic pregnancy. She has no interest in NFP. I would love the idea of being married celebate but she has no interest in that. We have withheld intercourse for over 3 years now and told me today like many times before that “just wait and see what happens if you dont get a Vasectomy” Another words maybe a possibilty of divorce or cheating I guess? She too has health issues and does not want another child. There is so much more to this but I feel if I get a vasectomy things will get worse and I will not feel right participating in contraception and will regret the decision. It seems like their may be a deeper issue here like fear and I feel if it wasnt this, would it be something else? Any help would help and God bless you all!
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Are her ‘health issues’ life threatening if she were to get pregnant? :confused: How about trying a fertility monitor if she is having trouble ‘trusting’ NFP (is it that she doesn’t ‘trust it’ or that she doesn’t want to invest the time and energy into it??)?? We own a fertility monitor that works great for avoiding pregnancy (even tho the company will not say on their site that it can be used for such purposes, I just found out tho that now it is under study to be used to avoid conception). Yes we are having our 5th child (as you can see by my ticker) BUT they’ve all been planned, not what some would call ‘nfp mistakes.’ Just feel like I have to point that out since when people see we’re having our 5th they assume nfp failed us.🤷 Not the case tho, we want a ton of kids. 👍
I’m not a man and I’m not in your shoes, but in no way would I let someone tell me to destroy my reproductive parts because they ‘want me to do so.’ 🤷
 
"Your post made me sit up and take notice! To love the idea of being married and celibate after three years of no intimacy tells me that you and your spouse have a whole lot going on that no amount of forum posting could help. Have you tried counseling? If so, I suggest you try it again. One of God’s greatest gifts is marriage and you are missing out on the fullness of His intention for you. You are certainly in my prayers! ’

We could use counseling. I want to go see our parish priest but she says that even if he says that I could get a Vasectomy I wouldnt. Living married celebate would be a great blessing but if one spouse doesnt want that what can I do? I will keep praying for us.

“We own a fertility monitor that works great for avoiding pregnancy (even tho the company will not say on their site that it can be used for such purposes,”

THIS is something that I will look into, thank you very much. God Bless your family and your 5th child!
 
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